You are here: Home / Archives for January 2011

Pro-choice

January 31, 2011 By Joan 3 Comments

I am pro-choice in one area. I want my bipolar loved ones to have back their power of choice. When they are off their medications, they have a lot MORE creativity, energy, sometimes even a genius break through or two, BUT let me tell you, they also have a lot LESS power of choice over what they feel, say, do. And they feel, say, and do things that should never be felt, said or done.

God has things He loves, things He hates. I do too. I hate watching the tragic grief when mental vision clears and the bipolar sees the debris field left after their manic episode. For those around them, the nightmare has ended. For the bipolar, it’s just begun. Relationships, trust, job goals they’ve worked for can be irreparably damaged. My husband used to describe it by saying he’d look around him and realize he had emotionally beheaded all those he cared about.

BUT, may I say thank you-Jesus-for-revealing-this-chemistry-to-mankind, when the medications are in a good balance, the brain’s excessive electrical firing slows down enough for them to actually SEE the window of choice as it goes by. They can see the  “Go – No Go” moment, before their NASA-like launch of actions or words. It’s still no cake walk, but with practice, for many it is doable. Learnable.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3 “There is an appointed time for everything…a time to heal…and a time to build up…”

And there you have it, my little soapbox. I’ve waited 12 blogs to say it ;) . THERE IS A TIME FOR MEDICATION! I thank Jesus for them because they can give back CHOICE! Without power of choice, everyone is just spinning their wheels. Can’t heal, can’t build. And just to clarify — meds do not give character, they give choice. What you do with that choice reveals or builds character. Sometimes those choices reveal the need for healing, or maturity. But that’s another blog….

THANK YOU JESUS FOR MEDICATIONS!!

Thankfully,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Gratitude, Medication Tagged With: , ,

Good Word for Today

January 30, 2011 By Shannon 3 Comments

No One whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame. Psalm 25:3a

Filed Under: God's presence, Hope Tagged With: ,

We must be doing something right…

January 29, 2011 By Peggy 4 Comments

… Daniel ate a grilled chicken breast with a full side of mixed vegetables and cornbread for dinner last night. Wow. For 16 years his dietary preferences have ruled the roost, dominating the agenda of our lives, 3 times a day, every day.  And our attempts to share this pain with others were rebuffed with unsympathetic comebacks like,”Well, just let him starve until he eats what you want him to eat.” (I didn’t ask for your advice, I wanted to vent.) We tried this when he was 4, and he wouldn’t eat for 3 days. So we “caved” and abandoned that tactic. After that, we just said, “We’re not working on that right now,” but did we therefore forfeit the right to talk about how hard it was? Maybe so, I don’t know. I just know that 2 college graduates had to go to therapy to learn how to get him to eat a different flavor than strawberry yogurt when he was 10!

Each step was so microscopically incremental. It’s just been in the last year that he’s started to order (breaded) chicken sandwiches instead of nuggets, but grilled chicken is new territory.  The huge thing about the cornbread was that he changed his mind about it.  He looked at it, declared he didn’t like cornbread, then actually ate it, then exclaimed “This is just like cake!” He usually perseverates in his rigidity, so this flexibility was amazing.

One thing we have been doing differently in introducing new foods is to put something he really likes on the table in full view, with a simple ”first this, then that” directive (repeated calmly, without escalation, ad infinitum).  Or rather, that approach has only started working with the onset of his teenage years.  He’s hungry all the time, so that has worked in our favor.

Or just maybe our Prodigal God (read the book by Tim Keller!) lavished grace and mercy on 2 discouraged parents, reminding us once again that as Daniel ages chronologically, so does his delayed self.  He’s growing up.

Filed Under: Autism, growth, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Submission and Sanity

January 28, 2011 By Joan 4 Comments

I was asked to teach a seminar on the Joy of Submission. Can I just say how ironic this is? I laughed out loud when they asked me the first time, years ago, because I went to that seminar over and over myself. I’ve spent a lot of the last 25 years trying to find that elusive spiritually blessed place of submission! It’s an understatement to say it’s been a moving target in our home…imagine one of those Nintendo games where you must click on the box quickly before it moves. Compared to how fast the boxes can move, I was always behind.

I’ve decided submission and sanity must enjoy each other’s company, because when sanity’s gone on vacation, submission REALLY misses him alot. Sanity has sometimes been pretty scarce around here, and that’s given submission a full-time challenge. Every mood has it’s own requirements, and by the time I’d figure out what was wanted in one mood, the mood/thinking would change, and I was out of place. I felt like I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong plan. I felt I could never please my husband, or please God.

Don’t get me wrong – I do believe God is a God of order and relationship. He made us to work in teams (marriage being one kind of team) with order of authority to keep us from bumping into each other and duplicating tasks, or leaving important ones undone like protecting the vulnerable. It’s the proverbial umbrella that keeps me out of the spiritual rain. But let’s just state the obvious: by definition, insanity is when things are out of order in someone’s head…And heaven help you, and I say that with all reverence, if it’s the husband’s head that is messed up! You can’t serve two masters (the real guy, and the “off” guy). He was always moving the umbrella. I’ve spent a lot of time all wet….

But Heaven has helped me.

I told God my situation wasn’t in the Bible and it would’ve helped me out alot if He had included it in one of those 66 books. I knew it talked about the demon-possessed people, who became mentally healthy after a good demon-casting-out-session. And I believe in that. But we tried it right off and it didn’t work.

A little while later my pastor’s wife chose to teach on David’s life for two straight years. Two years. By the end, David was my hero. Every significant authority in his life was tied to one emotionally unstable man, Saul. Saul was David’s king (president), his boss (military commander), his father-in-law (family), his best friend’s dad (social). David spent years facing submission issues related to Saul and his elusive sanity. Saul was moody, vengeful, paranoid.

I’m sure you don’t want 2 years of my notes, but to any woman out there who is trying to sort this out, here were David’s choices:

He did not avenge himself.  He had a support team. He encouraged those following him to respect authority, including Saul. He did not stay and get hurt.  He did take evasive action. He did remove his family from harm’s way. He did point out to Saul evidences of his support and loyalty. He knew when to trust Saul, and when not. He depended on God to judge him fairly. He poured out his heart before God. He expected God to act on his behalf.

Someone once said, “Do what you know he’d want you to if he was thinking clearly.”

Not as wet as I used to be,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Change, mental illness Tagged With: , , ,

Of Meltdowns and Mothering

January 27, 2011 By Shannon 6 Comments

There are those moments that teach lessons to last forever. For me, one of those moments came years ago in a store in late afternoon. You know those moments. Most Moms have experienced them. But for most Moms, they end when your children are 3 or 4. For parents of children with hidden disabilities, those moments can extend much later in life.

Get the picture: I have unloaded my basket on the conveyer belt and am waiting for my items to be rung up. The boys are together and then it happened — a tussle began. Only, this was no ordinary tussle — I could tell it was going to be a doozy. My older son was becoming more and more agitated and his voice was rising to a deafening crescendo. I was trying all of the normal things to diffuse the circumstances to no avail — separate children, speak calmly, remind of “inside voice” and consequences to follow, don’t lose my cool, etc. You have been there.

But this day there was no comfort and the meltdown became full blown. Heads were turning, eyes were piercing me from every direction. I could feel the judgment. I could hear the wondering why I did not get control of my child.

I breathed a quiet prayer, sure that God would understand and have some kind word of comfort, “Oh God, I am so embarrassed.”

The words I heard next have rung in my ears repeatedly for years now. Not words of comfort but of rebuke, “I hung naked on a cross for you. Look at your son!”

I was stunned but in a flash it all made sense. Why was I worried about what these people thought of me? I would likely never see them again. They did not know our story. And probably, they would not care.

Of course, all of this happened in a moment, in an instant of time.

I turned my attention to my son who was still screaming full volume. I took his face in my hands to get his attention. “Sweetie, we will leave in just a minute. Could you please go stand in front of the cart and I will finish here?” To my amazed gratitude, he obeyed.

I paid for my items, gathered my things, and got us out of that store.

I will never forget that moment. It was a real life changer for me. One of those that has come up over and over in my mind as the years have passed. I am the mother of THIS BOY and his brother. They should be my focus of concern. If others do not understand, why should that concern me? If God is pleased with my mothering who else matters?

Filed Under: Discipline, grace, Journey, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Stereos and Shock Waves

January 26, 2011 By Joan 3 Comments

I have always easily felt others’ emotions. It’s like God set my internal sound system to hear a pin drop. Really comes in handy as a nurse, but can give me shell shock when the bipolar people in my life emote. Their emotional  stereos don’t sound that loud to their own ears, but to me, they’re sending out emotions in sonic waves big enough to stop an army in their tracks (think Desert Storm.) Sometimes I can’t think straight because it’s too much, too loud.  It crowds out any sense I have that God is with me, or for me. And when I can’t sense Him in the middle of all that input, my own anxiety rises, or hurt, or confusion, or anger, or any other negative emotion that is unfortunate enough to be passing by at the time. If it lasts long enough, I end up feeling soundly traumatized, and can emote with the best of them!

So, like I wrote before, I start giving thanks right in the middle of it all. But that’s not all.  Sometimes my emotional “ears” are ringing from all I’ve heard and felt. To balance the sensory overload, I  make spaces for quiet, silence, solitude…God knew I would need this… “be still and know that I am God….” Ps 46:10 Sometimes I just sit outside for ten minutes, staring at the clouds. Or listening to the rain.  It’s like putting on high end Bose noise reduction headphones tuned into Heaven (not that I HAVE high end Bose headphones, but I’ve HEARD they are heavenly.) Yes, this is counter-intuitive to a sanguine people-person like me, and may look like a luxury to anyone else, but it’s a necessity for my sanity. I gotta have time off from all that input and take long soaks in stillness to KNOW He is God over all things, my life included.

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, God's presence, mental illness Tagged With: , , ,

Melt-down Madness

January 25, 2011 By Louise 4 Comments

My husband and I like to travel–he enjoys the planning of it, I enjoy the break from normal routines and both of us enjoy the quiet time together. We went on one such trip last week. We left Wednesday and were to return on Saturday. My mother was staying with the children. School had been out the beginning of the week due to snow and stress was a little higher than usual in our home because it was a day-to-day decision as to when school would resume. Nonetheless we decided to continue with our plan to take a vacation sans children.

One of the most difficult parts of leaving my children with someone else is always the anticipation of a melt-down by Stephen and the resulting conflict that ensues with his siblings–who do not understand the scope through which Stephen views the world. And, sure enough Friday afternoon I got the call.

The details of what actually happened are not as important as the fact that the story that Stephen gave of violence and oppression toward him seemed very one-sided. He had done nothing and everyone was being mean to him. I began to feel guilty for not being there to intervene and thinking of what horrible thoughts my mother must be thinking about me for leaving her alone with the children for so long! After I told my husband about the phone call he texted our older son to find out the rest of the story. Granted, everyone will recount a situation from a different perspective, but it seemed that there were crucial elements of the story that Stephen had left out (which actually seems to be a common occurrence.)

With our other children we would have automatically assumed they were lying to protect themselves from punishment while incriminating their siblings, end of story. With Stephen it isn’t so cut and dry. People with Asperger generally are not manipulative–possibly because that requires one to think from another person’s perspective (notice I said “generally“). When confronted with eyewitness testimony from the three other people involved in the conflict, Stephen held his ground that he couldn’t remember any of the aggressions that he was said to have committed. And, he insisted that they didn’t happen.

So for now we are caught in the quandary of how to handle this situation. How do we help Stephen see that his perspective of a situation isn’t the complete picture? Our first step is to have him listen to accounts of the same story from the other people involved and walk him through how the scenario might have played out differently if he had communicated better. This is not an easy task and it takes great patience, but our goal is to teach Stephen to appropriately handle conflict situations because we cannot always be there to mediate.

Filed Under: Asperger, Discipline, Extended family Tagged With: , ,

The Bribery Conundrum

January 24, 2011 By Peggy 2 Comments

16 year-old Daniel announced today, “I’m DONE with going to (Sunday night) Youth Group, I’m NOT GOING anymore.” “Why, what don’t you like about it?” “The music is too loud and it’s boring.” “Don’t they let you go into the game room during the music time?” “Yes, but it’s boring.” “Well, Dad and I will talk about it and let you know our decision.” “OK, but I’m NOT GOING.”

So, a parent conference follows, and we can each see both sides of the issue. On the one hand, the room IS noisy and provokes anxiety. It’s probably boring because he’s the only one in the game room during the music, so he doesn’t have anything to do. He is going in the morning without fussing, so that’s a positive thing. Should we MAKE him go at night against his will? On the other hand, there is his spiritual development to consider. Plus he’s an only child and needs the socialization. And how will he spend his time at home if he doesn’t go? Playing video games (non-violent, thank God) or watching game shows on TV or Disney movies. But will he get anything out of it if he doesn’t want to be there?

Well, wait a minute, we’ve had this discussion before, and instituted Pizza Night on SUN after church if he went to Youth Group. Let’s just revisit that contract and see what he says. “Daniel, we’ve talked about this before and agreed you could have pizza for dinner after Youth Group if you go on SUN night. So you don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but we won’t be having pizza when you don’t go. It’s your choice.” “Oh, all RIGHT. I’ll GO.” He even came downstairs and told me when it was time to leave. Problem solved. Until next time :-)

Filed Under: Autism, Discipline, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Death Sentence

January 23, 2011 By Hannah 3 Comments

I will never forget the day our son was formally diagnosed with early onset bipolar disorder. We had been seeking answers for almost 3 years and had been through it all…prayer, counseling, parent coaching, and finally meds.

Bob and I met with the doctor that day and had many questions. She had been treating our son for months very intensively, trying to get him stabilized. She had talked with us about many things during that time but that day I had to ask the inevitable.

“Dr., do you think Jack has early onset bipolar?”

Her response still rings in my ears as if it were yesterday: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.”

In that moment I so longed for doubt. I so wanted her to say that she was still uncertain.

Her diagnosis felt like a death sentence.

I wept most of that day. In the days that followed I continued to weep but not as much. Over time, we came to peace about this new reality.

We knew that barring God’s miraculous intervention this meant our young son would live with this disability for the rest of his life. We had heard of the awful stories. We had heard of the suicides. It would affect everything.

We are farther down the road now. I am not going to say it has been easy. It hasn’t. But it has been rich.

There is richness in loving someone who has bipolar disorder. Our son’s perspective of the world is nothing short of amazing. He sees things that other people miss. He perceives things that take my breath away.

We still have days that are hard. We still have days that we weep. But after many years I can now say that I am more fully alive because of mothering this child than I ever was before.

God has been faithful.

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Diagnosis, God's presence, grace, Grief, mental illness, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

Dealing with Snipers

January 22, 2011 By Peggy 3 Comments

How to react in a Christ-honoring way to people with snide comments about our children’s behavior? Oh, this is so hard! Although I am tempted in my flesh to say to the offender, “Was it your intention to be mean, or are you just being thoughtless?,” I’m reminded of a tactic Greg Koukl (“coke-ull”) uses in his apologetics approach when someone makes an unfounded assertion. It’s a benign question, throws the burden of proof back on the statement-maker, and will either shame them into walking away (because their intention was just to be a “fire-and-forget” sniper) or it may even open a dialogue. Here it is: “What do you mean by that?” Your tone must be mildly inquisitive, not in-your-face offensive. Practice, so you will be ready the next time.

An even more radical approach was ordained by Jesus: “Bless those who curse you.” What would happen in our world if every time someone said something mean to us, we responded with an earnest “God bless you.” It just sounds wrong, doesn’t it? But think about it: God’s wrath will be against them for causing an offense to one of His “little ones,” and by saying this, we are asking God to turn away His wrath and to bless them instead. They need this! Wow, paradigm shift…..

Filed Under: General, grace, Parenting Tagged With: , ,
« Older Posts