And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:2-5
In my last post, I shared about our recent miscarriage and how God has been with us in amazing ways throughout the process.
I think one of the hardest parts of the whole experience has been the utter shock of it all. We went from the total shock of being pregnant, to the shock of losing the baby in less than six weeks, after the baby seemed to be developing normally.
The challenge was (and is) making sense of it all. Sure there were probably medical explanations for what happened, but even with those, the bigger ache was the truth that God allowed this to happen. Since we believe that God could have intervened by preventing or correcting problems with the baby’s development, how are we going to respond that He chose not to?
In my shock and numbness, I went to see my counselor who has supported me through the three bouts of major depression I experienced in my twenties. I talked about what I was thinking, my challenge to understand it and my fear that this would send me into another bout of depression.
However as I talked to her, I couldn’t help but recall so many of the amazing things God has done in my sweet family and me. I was so aware of God’s grace and mercy, in big and small ways, in my life over the years. Why did He choose to help my husband and me break free from some of the unhealthy and destructive patterns that have plagued our families for generations?
I knew I was blessed beyond measure by His goodness and love even if I wasn’t able to “feel” it at the moment. I knew what the Scriptures said about God’s nature, and if I personally knew Him to be loving and gracious up until this point, how could I accept any conclusion contrary to this now?
Despite my pain and lack of understanding, I chose to focus on what I did (and do) understand.
- We live in a world that has been completely affected by sin which causes death. We were never intended to die or experience death, as God is the giver of life. (Genesis 3:17; Romans 5:12; 8:19-22)
- God is good and never forsakes His children whom He loves with an everlasting love. (1 John 4:8,16; 2 Corinthians 13:11)
- God is faithful (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 1:9; 2 Timothy 2:13)
- God is unchanging (James 1:17; Psalm 102:26-27; Malachi 3:6)
- God redeems our suffering for our good. (Romans 5:3-5; Romans 8:28)
So I believe that God shares our grief for the loss of our baby, because it was not what He intended, but a result of the fallen world in which we live. While He could have intervened to prevent this outcome, He chose to let things happen naturally. In some way, this was a loving act towards us, His beloved children. (Honestly, I would rather lose a baby at 10 weeks than even later in my pregnancy or after birth.)
While I would never have chosen to go through this, I can already see how I have grown closer to the Lord and the hope I have gained. I also have the ability to come alongside others who have suffered a miscarriage with great empathy and have already done so.
Even in the painful moments that periodically arise, when I am sad and mourning the loss of our baby and shattered dreams, I choose to trust my loving Heavenly Father. It requires faith, but I don’t know any other way.
Pressing on,
Lynn
Lynn:
This is beautifully written and full of truth! I have been studying/memorizing scriptures on hope this past year. A year and a half ago, we lost our 28 year old daughter to epilepsy. It has been a tough couple of years, and yet I have experienced the comfort that only our Lord Jesus can give.
Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. It has been an encouragment to me.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Cherri. I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of your grief. I love the idea of studying/memorizing scripture on hope and just may have to begin such a study myself – thank you! I am so thankful for the truth of “blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4) in our lives. We are truly not alone!
Wow! I can completely understand what you have written. I had 3 miscarriages in a row after having had 2 children with no problems at all. I could NOT make sense of any of it. I could NOT understand how God kept allowing me to get pregnant only to allow them to die so fast. The grief I went through was different with each one based on different things going on in my life already or, with the last being the very hardest because I really thought God’s timing for that baby was right and that one was going to make it. That was the most crushing. After that, I did NOT feel complete. I did NOT feel my quiver was full, but yet I was trying to trust God on the fact that it appeared we would not have any more children. I did miraculously become pregnant again and of course, prayed for that one to make it as I did for the other 3, but knowing that God would choose His way. That time I had no doubt that God could preform a miracle and keep the baby alive or He could choose not to. My hardest thing was really trusting God to get me through another miscarriage if that’s what He chose. It was a complete 9 mos. of trusting God EVERY day for that baby’s life. We started going through the miscarriage kinds of symptoms at the usual # of weeks. I was positive that baby was gone. He WASN’T. It was a high risk pregnancy and we found out things that were wrong with me and the baby as it went along. I literally prayed for God to breathe the breath of life in him every day because I didn’t have it to give to him myself. The whole process was a test of a different kind than going through the miscarriages. After he was born, I would still look at him so many times and wonder why God chose that baby to live and not the others. I know God has a big plan for him, but still I would wonder. He is 8 yrs. old now so it’s been some time since I miscarried. I have been able to share my story with other hurting families who miscarried. At the time I was miscarrying, I couldn’t seem to find a support group of any kind. I think now, maybe God allowed me not to, because He wanted to be my support. I don’t know. Now I seem to find plenty of support groups for that. I found back then, that even my family (not my husband, but my sisters and mother) had no clue of what I was going through. Maybe because the baby was not visible, they were never born, they weren’t named. But yet, like you said also, the mother already has such high hopes and dates and dreams and such a strong bond with that baby, that it is the loss of a real member of your family, whether they ever made it to the family picture or not.
I’m thinking of you and praying for you. There was just so much I didn’t understand when I was going through those times and so much I still don’t understand. But now, I can look back and see how God was leading when I couldn’t see Him or feel Him. Really, one of the main things I learned is just how much of a gift those children are. I had the first 2 so easily and quickly and I thought I could just have another one. But then that didn’t work. God knew that last one WAS coming in His time. I had already given up hope. (I was going to name our last one Hope if she was a girl. ) But it was a boy and I had actually prayed for a boy and God gave me the name, Nathan Samuel: Gift of God because I asked the Lord for him. Now, I asked for the other 3 also but God’s will and God’s timing. Maybe that was another big thing I learned that I didn’t realize then. It was a long process of learning. And like the verse you used, “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” God bless you as you grieve for that child. And may God direct you in what He wants for you. And may He fill you with peace and comfort, and for as much understanding as He will allow. And may God allow you to see blessings in time, still pain, but some blessings to lessen the pain. From another Lynn
Thank you for sharing YOUR story and your prayers, Lynn. I am so encouraged and blessed by what you have shared. I know I don’t have the trust to try again at this time, if that’s what we choose to do. We are taking time to grieve before we decide. I especially loved what you wrote about “the loss of a real member of your family, WHETHER THEY EVER MADE IT TO THE FAMILY PICTURE OR NOT.” That really touched my heart in a special way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.