And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
In my last post, I shared about our recent miscarriage and how God has been with us in amazing ways throughout the process.
I think one of the hardest parts of the whole experience has been the utter shock of it all. We went from the total shock of being pregnant, to the shock of losing the baby in less than six weeks, after the baby seemed to be developing normally.
The challenge was (and is) making sense of it all. Sure there were probably medical explanations for what happened, but even with those, the bigger ache was the truth that God allowed this to happen. Since we believe that God could have intervened by preventing or correcting problems with the baby’s development, how are we going to respond that He chose not to?
In my shock and numbness, I went to see my counselor who has supported me through the three bouts of major depression I experienced in my twenties. I talked about what I was thinking, my challenge to understand it and my fear that this would send me into another bout of depression.
However as I talked to her, I couldn’t help but recall so many of the amazing things God has done in my sweet family and me. I was so aware of God’s grace and mercy, in big and small ways, in my life over the years. Why did He choose to help my husband and me break free from some of the unhealthy and destructive patterns that have plagued our families for generations?
I knew I was blessed beyond measure by His goodness and love even if I wasn’t able to “feel” it at the moment. I knew what the Scriptures said about God’s nature, and if I personally knew Him to be loving and gracious up until this point, how could I accept any conclusion contrary to this now?
Despite my pain and lack of understanding, I chose to focus on what I did (and do) understand.
- We live in a world that has been completely affected by sin which causes death. We were never intended to die or experience death, as God is the giver of life. (Genesis 3:17; Romans 5:12; 8:19-22)
- God is good and never forsakes His children whom He loves with an everlasting love. (1 John 4:8,16; 2 Corinthians 13:11)
- God is faithful (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 1:9; 2 Timothy 2:13)
- God is unchanging (James 1:17; Psalm 102:26-27; Malachi 3:6)
- God redeems our suffering for our good. (Romans 5:3-5; Romans 8:28)
So I believe that God shares our grief for the loss of our baby, because it was not what He intended, but a result of the fallen world in which we live. While He could have intervened to prevent this outcome, He chose to let things happen naturally. In some way, this was a loving act towards us, His beloved children. (Honestly, I would rather lose a baby at 10 weeks than even later in my pregnancy or after birth.)
While I would never have chosen to go through this, I can already see how I have grown closer to the Lord and the hope I have gained. I also have the ability to come alongside others who have suffered a miscarriage with great empathy and have already done so.
Even in the painful moments that periodically arise, when I am sad and mourning the loss of our baby and shattered dreams, I choose to trust my loving Heavenly Father. It requires faith, but I don’t know any other way.