Most posts I see at this time of year are about Back to School. As I was telling the children that I couldn’t focus in the chaos of everyone being home, I realized that I am truly just trying to survive my way through the summer. How much of my time is spent surviving until something changes? Maybe too much of the time. Sometimes I am intentional in the time that I have with my children but not always. It is hard to be “on top of my game” constantly and I like to have some down time as well.

Unlike most of the women who are posting about feeling teary at the thought of their children going back to school, I am looking forward to it. I love my children but their hidden disabilities make it hard to accomplish much when they are all home. I am so glad on the first day of school that I can have some clear headed moments and large blocks of time to tackle necessary tasks. Or even just to have my thoughts to myself and be able to string thoughts and ideas together without interruptions.

Contrast these thoughts to my thoughts in June when I was excited to have my children home for the summer. Visions of sleeping in and relaxed breakfasts with more time to cuddle filled my mind. Plans to experience activities together have been overshadowed by “I don’t want to go”, “She’s bugging me”, “She’s hitting me”, “She’s got my _____”, “He’s pulling my hair”, “We never get to do what I want to do”, “I’m tired”, “STOP IT”. Then there is my personal favorite “It’s not fair” followed by my response “Life’s not fair. Get over it. The sooner you realize that the happier you will be.”  And not to forget “Please get out of my head and let me think my own thoughts.”  I remember why I look forward to September. It is all of the above that inspires the celebration of the first day of school.

Please don’t judge me.  I feel bad enough about having these thoughts and emotions.   I just wanted to be brutally honest about the state of my life on a rough day.

~ Twyla