I am embarrassed by my son.
He looks fine out there on the basketball court – tall, handsome, athletic. But though he could be a star, he hangs back … too insecure to put himself forward and possibly fail. His team is losing, badly, so he yells directions at the other kids (he feels out of control so he tries to control the world around him.) The game is over (finally, mercifully) and he comes off the court blaming the coach, the referees, the other team – always the victim. All those broken, unhelpful, self-defeating ways of coping which have their roots in his traumatic beginnings – these strategies he developed to cope with a dangerous and unpredictable world in the orphanage – defeat him in his world now.
And I am embarrassed. It is so painful to watch. I talk a a bit to the other parents who acknowledge me with a nod and move on to talk to someone else. I feel their judgement. What kind of parent must I be to have a child who behaves that way? My son is burning my social bridges here in our small town. The other parents, the ones who are judging me, have no idea how hard I have worked to be the parent he needs to bring him healing: the books read, the seminars attended, the years of family therapy (God bless my good husband for taking 1/2 a day off work all year to join us), the money spent, the sacrificed career, the constant intentionality.
And they have no idea how hard he has worked, this handsome wounded boy of mine; the incredibly painful things he has had to face as a child: the abandonment, the starvation, the sickness, the neglect, the horrendous birth family story. We have made him face this awful abyss and talk about it, to relive his suffering in hope of his healing. What suffering have their children faced here in their comfortable suburban lives?
I go home, put my children to bed, and cry. These children of mine are a lonely road.
~ Trauma Mama
I can so relate to this as I see my adopted daughter do so many of the same things. We recently asked her to make a commitment to ask God for 30 days, “O LORD, teach me to receive your love.”
Please know you are not the only one on this sometimes lonely road. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this story, Trauma Mama.
I’m sorry you and your son have to go through this, but I hope your courageous story will open the eyes, and reduce the judgement, of those who have not walked the road you have.
God sees all the hard work and sacrifice of your parenting, and all the progress you’ve helped your son to make, even when others only see how far he still has to go.
He sees the inside while others see only what’s on the outside. You are His beloved daughter and I believe He is very very pleased with you.
Reenie and Steph, I love your encouragement to Trauma Mama. That is what this community is all about — SHARING THE JOURNEY! Don’t we need community? The Lord knows this about us. I appreciate your encouragement to her. Warmly, Shannon
I feel judged so much of the time and like no one can possibly understand. So many days I say to the Lord “I am so grateful that at the end of this life the only thing that will matter is what you say of me and I know you see my heart. May my life always be pleasing to you Lord.” Your life is being lived out in sacrifice to the Lord and it is a sweet smelling aroma to Him. He appreciates all you do even when no one else around you does. You are not alone. I feel embarrassed about my children’s behavior when they can’t conform to social expectations. May God bless you richly.
Twyla
Oh Trauma Mama, I feel your pain in moments like that. I’ve had some real doozies over the years. But I just encourage you to keep on, keep lovin on that boy like you’ve been doing, keep offering him the support you’ve been finding over the years, and keep seeking compassion for him from others. Others need to have children like ours in their life, God uses them to enrich their lives and make them better people. Just as we are better by parenting them. By accepting our children for who they are, and by loving on us in the midst of the storms, they will be blessed and our children will feel their compassion and be also blessed.
Prayers for you… Kara