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Again and Again

March 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

I am a repentant rescuer. I am working on NOT rescuing right at the moment, so it is on my mind….

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

I have rescued way too many times … especially in my family relationships, all because I HATED (uh, correction: HATE) all trauma and drama that comes when someone loses their temper. I hate the feeling like everything is spiraling out of control, and destruction is happening. So I used to do anything in my power to pacify it, make it go away … which usually meant being a human shield between “the man/woman of great anger” and the “penalty”. Not a place of bliss, I can tell you.

True, some ONE may be spiraling out of control. But it doesn’t have to be me and it certainly is not God. He is always in control, and more than happy to share His self-control with me, when I have to face down someone’s temper. He helps me control myself, and not jump in to rescue.

(To be clear: I am NOT talking about situations involving abuse.)

True, destruction IS happening when someone loses their temper. But it is not my mess to clean up. It’s theirs, whether it’s a relationship or a wrecked car. Cleaning up connects the dots for them.

Obviously, I did not realize I was interrupting God design of sowing and reaping … and I did not realize He was not being harsh when He set up that cycle. It allows the beautiful exercise of free will. So many times God begged Israel, “please choose LIFE!” (as opposed to death) but never once did He remove their power of choice. Nor did He remove the consequences:

See, I have set before you today LIFE and prosperity, and DEATH and adversity; in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways … that you may live, and that the Lord your God may bless you … SO CHOOSE LIFE in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your LIFE …. Deut 20:15, 16, 19, 20

I bring it up because mood issues can magnify, or inflame the character issue of temper. We spend a lot of time in counseling, sorting out the often blurry line between character and chemical issues. All of us are wonderfully complex, so if there’s ever a place to use the catch phrase, “It’s complicated” Baby, it is HERE.

But it IS worth the time to sort it all out, because if it’s a character issue, and I “rescue” the person, I am doing them a huge disservice … and it won’t bless me either.

Finally, what can I say? A jillion books have been written on this, so I will not bore you with more words, except to say, God sums it up in 22 words:

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

True.

True.

True.

True.

Truly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: anger, Bipolar Disorder, Marriage, self control, Uncategorized

A Win-Win

March 1, 2013 By 1 Comment

Honor your father and your mother … Exodus 20:12

My husband’s mother has bipolar, like him, and this common denominator often causes trauma between them. Neither older mother nor grown son can be the emotional rock the other needs or expects. If one is emotionally oscillating out of control, it generally introduces highly unwelcome waves to the other. This can be normal family dynamics, to be sure, but my husband and his mom will tell you they can set up cross current waves worthy of white water rafting level VI out of VI! And although it’s unintentional, it creates problems for me, since I am connected to both of them in a serving (non-leading) role to each.

I am conflicted sometimes. God is not. He says my husband is my first priority. I agree. But one of the things I do TO honor and bless my husband IS to care for his mama – which we are both glad I can and do. He works to provide the funds, while I oversee her physical and emotional care. I don’t generally find this hard. She has a delightful sense of humor! Plus, it’s unlikely I can ever give back more than she invested in parenting … so it’s generally easy for me to “honor father and mother”. God also strongly defends widows and orphans. At 75 years old and alone, my mother-in-law is essentially both. That said, there is a limit to how many waves I can absorb at any one time, any particular season, between these two personalities and responsibilities. Sometimes I have to choose between caring for my husband OR his mama. Unfortunately, that’s been the case this last year….

So, I knew when I got back from our son’s wedding, and after 2 other necessary trips, top priority was my mother-in-law’s needs. But before that could happen, while I was WAY out of state, I get a call. My husband, who is only slightly less allergic to hospitals than his mother, is telling me he’s taken her to the ER because of alarming symptoms. I didn’t get home for almost a w-e-e-k, which by the way, is a long time to someone out of their comfort zone. To my surprise, my husband encouraged me to finish my trip (him, taking care of me) while he chose to trust God for the courage and stability to stand by his mama, in the hospital – 2 of his great stressors pancaked into one. By the time I arrived, he had already seen her through an ER admission to the hospital, a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and the first days post-op. With NO emotional escalations on either part! I can’t tell you how A-mazing this is!! A first for him AND her!

This victory could only come IF he trusted God emotionally (his personal challenge). In addition, he got the blessing I usually get from doing life with her. A win-win.

I have an inkling of how my mother-in-law felt. I have a brand new daughter-in-law. She blesses me! But she is not a substitute for my son. He has the capacity to bless me in powerful ways unique to his role in my life. So I am admiring God’s timing: He knew my husband needed to do this storm (without me) so he could bless his mama directly (not indirectly through me) in a way only a son can.

Can I just say? We needed this positive indication God IS answering our prayers, on some level, in some area. Thank you Jesus!

Encouraged,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Courage, Extended family, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Married, but…

February 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I’ve been to 3 significant weddings in the last 6 weeks. THE Word of God tells me God designed marriage to be a beautiful 3 dimensional picture of how He loves us – He covenants Himself to us, never betrays us, understands us, longs to be WITH us, discloses Himself to us, close-as-possible-to-us/no-daylight-between-us intimacy, companionship (never alone, lonely), fellowship … security … safety … delight … playful.

I imagine how that is … but that type of marriage intimacy is not in my personal experience. Actually, none of us have ALL that. Elizabeth Elliot hit the nail on the head, saying, “We marry sinners. There is no one else to marry!” (THINK about that.)

But it is also painfully true – some have intimacy with their mate and some don’t. I am grateful for the glimpses of all these riches I see in other marriages … loving glances, gentle touches, their loyalty, their delight in each other … watching them shows me a bit of what is to come for me someday, in heaven. (Maybe sooner, we keep praying.) I have a longing for all that….

Then I think, having a painful lack in life doesn’t apply to just marriage.

Some are orphans – never knew what it was like to have parents around. Some could tell me what it’s like to be an only child – never having brothers and sisters. Some are barren, never felt a baby move inside … and for reasons I don’t understand, God gave me all those gifts. For reasons I don’t understand, I don’t have the gift of marital intimacy – in the way I imagine God designed. I am married to someone who (I discover) struggles to connect. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in his struggle to adjust to having bipolar, he will tell you he struggles to trust in the very ways that define marriage.

“You desire truth in the innermost being ….” Ps 51:6 Well, here’s the truth: I want a soul mate. Intimacy. Security. Reliability. Strength. Safety. I’m closer to the end of my life than my beginning, and I still long for those things. So does my husband.

Is God being cruel to us? Did we sin in some way so badly that we deserve to never stay connected in body and soul? Was the only way to improve our character to withhold this? (Have you ever asked these kind of questions about a particular lack?)

I know (most of the time) God isn’t being cruel. Dying on a cross was a cruel death suffered by a loving Savior.

I’ve sinned bad enough to deserve hell, so losing marital bliss is a drop in THAT bucket. Jesus paid for my complete pardon. But I still reap painful consequences to sin (that train me to NOT sin the next time). But honestly, most of the time, I can’t tell which painful thing in my life is from my past sin(s), someone else’s sin, or just living in a fallen world.

SO, in case you’re wondering, I am (currently) thinking of my unfulfilled longings as homesickness for heaven. (C.S. Lewis has a great quote on this, wish I could remember it.) I am not going to get it all down here. Period. But that doesn’t mean we are going to quit trying to improve our marriage.

There’s a mountain saying, “make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes.” Ruth Graham quoted that, and I’ve found it highly helpful.  The past years are gone. We want to make the most of what comes. SO, we are still going to counseling, to doctors, to pastors, to the Word. (not in that order….) I tell my kids some battles are worth the fight. We believe THIS battle (to grow closer) is worth the fight.

But, honestly,  heaven can’t come soon enough …. Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth … new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband …“Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men …God Himself will be among them, and HE will wipe away every tear from their eyes; …. there will no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain … behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Rev 21:1-5

Honestly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, intimacy, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Ode to Parents

February 15, 2013 By 1 Comment

Ever since one of our children had cancer, children and oncology have been near and dear to my heart. Often the side effects of chemo leave children with disabilities, cognitive or otherwise. We have no way of knowing if any of the ADD or learning disabilities our child faces is from chemo or not. Maybe future studies will reveal that. But regardless the cause, I am inspired whenever I witness the courage and resilience of young people doing life, at some disadvantage, while on the playing field with everyone else who is “normal”.

They school me. I totally understand how Paul could say to young Timothy, “let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, FAITH and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.” 

I Timothy 4:12

Recently I was given this blog post written by a young man who graduated to Heaven. He wrote this before he was diagnosed … before that refining suffering, yet God gave him insight beyond his years in particular areas. He gave his parents permission to share his posts with anyone who could benefit.

They did, I benefited. I think you will too. I believe God gave these words to this young man, who, though youthful, was an example of humility and faith … willing to pass along words of encouragement to older believers (parents, like you and me) who know we are turning out, in his words, “broken and incomplete” children …

An Ode To My Parents…

I was just thinking…

I guess I always knew that parents weren’t perfect. I was always told that, and I think everyone agrees that people aren’t perfect – and parents are people.

I was just thinking of the way I was brought up, the way I was taught, the patterns and behaviors that are with me now. And I just wanted to say that I think parenting has kinda gotten the bad rap – really gotten the bad rap. Like something was done wrong, something that has to be done better, something that has to be changed because of the baggage that has resulted – baggage that causes pain and hurt. And I see the changes that have been made and the intention to not produce the same baggage.

But maybe that’s the thing about parenting; no matter what methods are used, it will always be incomplete and there will always be baggage. Maybe God wants it that way, because He is the One that makes the method complete, He fills in the holes and takes the baggage that is produced. If parenting could be perfected, then no one would ever need to leave home, no one would never need to mature as an individual, no one would ever need any more faith than what their parents had, no one would ever need to have a personal relationship with God – their parents would be enough….

So parenting is not about turning out perfect kids before God, it’s about doing the best job you can and then turning them over, broken and incomplete, to God to continue His work and draw them towards perfection. I hope that’s an encouragement…

I am crying…

Craig Stoltzfus

 

Schooled by the young,

Joan

Filed Under: God's presence, Parenting, Uncategorized

Hiccups

February 8, 2013 By 1 Comment

My firstborn is pregnant with her first baby – a baby girl!

I just cannot believe life circled around this fast.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it was last month I was amazed, then amused, at her hiccups inside of me … so how can she be sending me a text (a form of communication not even INVENTED when she first hiccuped) because she feels her precious baby girl’s first hiccups? How is that possible?!

Twenty-five years of faith, fears, wonders, worries … and suddenly (it seems to me) it’s her turn to raise the next generation.  If you had/have hidden disabilities in your home, you know my fears and worries. If you’ve placed your faith in Jesus, you’ve seen some of the wonders I’ve witnessed. You know why I pray she will be Fervent. Fearless. Faithful. (As in “full of faith” – trusting God’s GOODwill towards her and her little ones.) I pray my parenting mistakes would not hinder her … God, please make Yourself famous (magnify Yourself) through her life, as You help her.

This song-prayer captured my heart …

Mother’s Prayer

Before you close your eyes to sleep

I have a promise still to keep

As I hold you in my arms.

I pray your little frame grows strong

and that faith takes hold while you are young;

This is my prayer for you.

Hold my hand;  I’ll teach you the Way to go.

Through the joys, through the tears,

The journey of these years,

May you trust Him ‘til the end.

May you trust Him in the end.

 

This world is not as it should be,

But the Savior opens eyes to see

All that’s beautiful and TRUE.

Oh may His light fill ALL you are

And the jewel of wisdom crown your heart;

This is my prayer for you.

You’ll travel where my arms won’t reach

As the road will rise to lead your feet

On a journey of your own.

May my mistakes not hinder you

But His grace remain and guide you through;

This is my prayer for you.

 

Take His hand

And go where He calls you to.

And whatever comes, seek Him

With all your heart;

This will be my prayer for you.

Father, hear my ceaseless prayer;

Oh keep them in your care.

Keith Getty, Kristyn Getty, and Fionan de Barra; © 2012 Gettymusic and Fionan de Barra (adm. by MusicServices.org)

Lovingly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Be Still

January 25, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I was in a peaceful cove of water, deep into a fjord, circled by mountains, hours inside a national preserve. Only a few dozen people wandered the schooner (9 of them my family), when the captain announced a 10 minute “all quiet” as he cut the motor. “No talking…just soak in the sight and sounds of nature….”

At that moment, I happened onto an obscure deck with a PERFECT panoramic view of mountains and waterfalls! Where’s my family?? (For me, a delight is multiplied when I can share it with someone.) SOOO for about 2 minutes (of the 10 “quiet” minutes) I ran through the boat searching for them. I don’t know where they were (it wasn’t THAT big of a boat) but I couldn’t find them … and my joy sagged as I made my way back to the hidden deck. I tried to absorb the view, but by then I was distracted by how LONELY I felt… which sharpened the loneliness I had been feeling for the whole trip. “Jesus, I’m alone again, and it hurts….” The sinful strongholds that accompany hidden disabilities sabotage close moments in my marriage until they are rare and fleeting. (Satan, the predator he is, likes to hijack normal feelings of loss and define my whole LIFE by them.)

I know Jesus cares, but…

It took about 5 minutes of the 10 “quiet” minutes before my soul was still enough to sense God wanting to be with me. Alone. Just me. He wasn’t trying to make me lonely. Or point out my alone ness. He was inviting me into a beautiful moment with HIM. (He, too, finds joy multiplied when shared – that part of me is like HIM.)

So I accepted His offer…

I felt the misty morning fog soak my face … new bird songs sent bubbles of joy through my spirit … I lifted my eyes to the tops of those magnificent mountains … then followed their green slopes all the way down until they disappeared into the cold, unfathomably deep, dark water. I looked up again, this time watching each waterfall, almost in slow motion, cascading down in wavy white ribbons from some unseen rivers of unknown sources inside the mountain. The sum of splashing sounds washed over my sore soul, soothing … smoothing the wrinkles of worry and want.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters (Ps 29).

Like a slow dawn, I realized the Lord’s voice was speaking to me in those waters. “God, You made this thousands of years ago…kept it hidden … it’s almost unreachable … I’m honored to see it.…”

I knew you would come, today,

and I knew you would LOVE it!

Those intimate words, whispered to my soul, wrapped me in love, evaporating my loneliness as the magnitude seeped into my spirit. Creator God handcrafted a magnificent multifaceted scene which He knew I would LOVE. He waited outside of time, for me, in time, to come see what He made! Then He joined me on that deck, as I soaked in all its beauty, by myself, with Him. My soul’s Lover.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters…

The Lord sat as King at the flood; Yes, the Lord sits as King forever.

The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.

Ps. 29:3, 11

Still, Travis Cottrell

Hide me now under Your wing, cover me within Your mighty Hand.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power in quietness and trust.

When oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God.

Be still and know I am God … Ps 46

 

Getting more still,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, God's presence, mental illness Tagged With: , , , ,

Do You Spell Bungee with One “g” or Two?

January 18, 2013 By 1 Comment

Tonight snow is falling … it’s mind-bending to think we were melting in 104 degree heat this time last week, in lands “Down Under” to witness our ADD son marrying a beauty from the Southern Hemisphere (where the water really DOES circle the drain in the opposite direction). It took every last point and mile his dad earned, in many years of travel, for all of us to see this son get married. Well worth it!

If I take the wings of the morning (or United Airlines), and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, (Down Under) even there Your hand shall lead me (in this new stage of life), Your right hand shall hold me (as my children start their own homes). (Ps 139:9)

I will never forget…

… seeing our new daughter-in-law’s country unfold below us, from 30,000 feet … beautiful translucent blue-green waters surrounding her island, wondering how heaven can be MORE beautiful…

… renting the car (AFTER 40 hrs. of mind-numbing travel), the steering wheel on the RIGHT side of the car (otherwise known as the wrong side), AND driving on the LEFT side of the road (also known as the wrong side of the road), in the dark, in the rain, for 2 hours … pure adrenaline flooding me every time headlights zoom past my right shoulder, while my daughter periodically warns, “Mooom!” as the ditch on her side of the car veers too close … Try me, and know my anxieties … v. 23

… the fragrance of stripping and wrapping hundreds of stems of lavender, bridesmaids bouquets … thinking God knows I LOVE lavender … You know me … You are acquainted with all my ways… (v.1,2,3) … and He led my son to a girl who loves these  flowers as much as I do …

… finding the bride’s gown not ironed – after the wedding was scheduled to start – and me, of all people on the planet, who does NOT iron (and God knows this), ending up with the iron in my hand, setting it down on her exquisitely sheer beautiful expensive gown, wondering if I am about to ruin it! THAT moment is seared into my memory! The fact the fabric did NOT melt is a miracle …

… watching the rain and gale force winds outside, having no power to change either to give the bride her dream outdoor wedding day … and no “Plan B”… thinking, “God, what kind of day are You going to give her?”… “in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them …” v16

… hearing the winds subside, seeing the sun peep through, for a single hour … at the exact right hour … beautiful sunlit outdoor memories …

… vows made, prayers prayed, rings given, and my once-a-little-boy-now-man sweeps up his bride, carrying her back down the aisle, through the trees, jubilantly MARRIED! …

… seeing this ADD son so at home at the reception, with all those strangers (to me), in this new country. His disabilities – inability to focus and sit in a school seat to read for hours on end – are now the very abilities God uses to help him transition from country to country, seamlessly adapting to new cultures, new relationships …” You hedged [him] behind and before, and laid Your hand upon [him]. (It seemed only limiting before … but no longer) … Such knowledge is too wonderful … v 5,6

When our son announced his intentions last spring, it shocked us. I was only a little less shocked when, on this trip, our daughter revealed she really wanted to Bungee jump off a bridge (not a crane, cliff, or other sub-level substitute), by her ankles (not a sling or harness) because we were in the vicinity of the ORIGINAL bridge where this particular thrill began. (Divine providence?) So, I will also never forget …

… watching my-little-now-grown-girl free fall delightedly down, down, down into a water filled gorge, hair streaming, voice screaming!

… THEN (I should’ve seen this coming) her daddy had to do the exact same thing, because he, of course, could not let her OUTDO him (and me thinking no bipolar needs that much adrenaline blowing through his circuits, but oh well …)

Just as surely as that bungee cord held my daughters ankles, so her hair only kissed the waters below and nothing more got wet, so God has surely held me in His grip this last month of bouncing around the planet, through life stages, and time zones. Every time I said, “Surely the darkness (of disorder, disease, depression) shall fall on me”… even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You ….”

Half of our planet is always in the dark, a line our plane crossed coming and going. But not to You. More than half my life is in the dark at any one time, the unseen and unknown. But not to You.

… the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You. v. 11, 12

Thank you, Jesus!

Joan

Filed Under: ADD, Bipolar Disorder, Blessing, Change, God's presence, humor, Journey, Parenting

Call Back

December 26, 2012 By 1 Comment

About 40 years ago, my mama gave me a small devotional book, which was first published in 1925. The 1st page says it’s the “thoughts, quotations, spiritual inspiration which helped to sustain Mrs. Charles E. Cowman during her years of missionary work in Japan and China – particularly the six years she nursed her husband while he was dying.”

So far in my life, her encouraging words go as deep as any pain I’ve faced, so I know her life hurt. She needed encouragement, like I do. Like David, when he begged God, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of heart are enlarged..” Ps 25:16. (like in the drive-thru when they say, “you want to super-size that?”)

So I LOVE God (when it came time to reveal one of Jesus’ names) specifically telling Joseph, “‘they shall call His name Immanuel,” which translated means (and I do need translation), “God WITH us.’” That says it all to me this Christmas. God is WITH me. I am not alone when I feel Lonely and Afflicted (the two seem to go together), when the troubles of my heart are Enlarged.

That’s why this poem from Mrs. Cowman’s Streams in the Desert spoke to me as I look at the New Year. It is why Chosen Families exists -

“If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back –

Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;

And if, perchance, Faith’s light is dim, because the oil is low,

Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;

Call back, and say He kept you when the forest’s roots were torn;

That, when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill,

He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.

Oh, friend, call back, and tell me for I cannot see your face;

They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;

But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim,

And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you’ll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,

And if you’ll say He saw you through the night’s sin-darkened sky –

If you have gone a little way ahead, oh, friend, call back –

Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track. – Selected.

December 19th, p 362.

This is me, calling back,

“I am NOT alone!”

Joan

Filed Under: Uncategorized

A Christmas Blessing

December 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

The phone rang, “Hello! I want to buy you tickets to a concert for Christmas!” It was the dear voice of my college roommate, flying high, fresh from a Keith and Kristyn Getty Christmas concert in her city. I LOVE their music, ever since their hymn “In Christ Alone” became our family’s theme song years ago. Their tour was coming to my city…would I accept tickets? Oh yes!!

At the last minute (as in, 2 hrs before the concert) we invited a friend of mine, and her husband, to join us. Double date. But God had His reason for this friend coming. He wanted to tell me something, and He was going to use her to do it….

So there we were, witnessing amazing talent, beautiful music, powerful lyrics. There was just one problem: my soul was completely flat. I mean, n-o-t-h-i-n-g  resonated with me…and I have say, when music doesn’t reach me, my wood is wet. All that planning (and expense) of my dear roommate, and my soul was completely out of tune with the Christmas spirit of the evening. I sat there wondering, what’s wrong with me? The year has been depleting, but what year hasn’t? My contacts need adjusting, so the stage was blurry. But this was music, for heaven’s sake. I should be able to CLOSE my eyes, and still connect. So much truth, so beautifully set….

Literally, only one phrase beamed through the fog to my soul, for a fleeting moment: “…the hope that will not deceive…”

An Irish Christmas Blessing

Now may the fragrance of His peace

Soar through your heart like the dove released

Hide in His wings oh, weary distant soul

He’ll guide your spirit home

 

And may His love poured from on high

Flow to the depths of your deepest sigh

Oh come and drink from the only living stream

And on His shoulder lean

 

And may the hope that will not deceive

Through every pain bring eternal ease

There is no night that can steal the promises

His coming brings to us

 

So may His joy rush over you

Delight in the path He has called you to

May all your steps walk in Heaven’s endless light

Beyond this Christmas night

 

 

Keith Getty and Kristyn Getty

gettymusic.com

 

The concert ended, and we were threading through the crowd to the exit doors, when my friend says, “you know, one phrase tonight brought you to mind…” and I’m thinking, is she going to say  – and sure enough, she says, “the hope that will not deceive.” My soul stood still. The Getty’s sang at least 3,000 words, probably more, and she says those 6.

God was telling me what was wrong with my soul. I need me some hope. He saw me, sitting there with thousands in the darkened arena – He who IS light, seeing in the dark – and He planned the whole evening, so He could connect some dots for me.

He is right. My soul is in the middle of processing deep pain from hopes dashed, deflated through deception this year.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick… Proverbs 13:12. So He reassured me…. You can hope in Me, sweetie. I will not deceive you with my words. Let your spirit rise…you will not be disappointed in Me.”

I will be told more lies. I will hope some of them are true. And discover they are not. Having perception disorders in our home makes it hard to know what to believe. But God offered me this hope –

Behold, I lay in Zion a choice stone, a precious corner stone,

and he [she] who believes in Him will NOT be disappointed.

I Peter 2:6

Love,

Joan

Filed Under: Hope, Uncategorized

Christmas Prayer

December 14, 2012 By 2 Comments

Unexpected God,

Your advent alarms us.

Wake us from drowsy worship,

From the sleep that neglects love,

And the sedative of misdirected frenzy.

Awaken us now to your coming,

And bend our angers into Your peace.

Amen.

Philip G. Ryken, Wheaton College

Those words “neglects love” and “misdirected frenzy” yanked on my spirit’s reins so hard last week, it forced me to s-l-o-w  d-o-w-n. I have angers. I need them bent into God’s PEACE.

Sooo I dropped off the map for a few days, stayed home, asked for space, got it (thank you, my man). Tended my love for Jesus. Soaked in the Christmas story…looking for any link to my life this year. Matthew…Luke…

……read Jesus was coming “to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:79

I need that – and Jesus does not resent giving it to me (James 1:5). He never gets bored or impatient with my constant need for His guidance. (I love Him for this.) Jesus doesn’t say, “you’ve been doing this 27 years, what’s wrong with you? why are you still asking for help?” This matters to me, because I am here to tell you: more time and experience with mood disorders does not make me less sinful, more skillful. Only time with Jesus does that.

Can you relate? Sometimes I get angry that I am facing the same old patterns, in myself or my loved ones. I need Jesus to bend my angers into His peace.

Do you need guidance, like me? Should I shut down? Move on? Stand still? Draw different boundaries? Speak up? Shut up? Discuss this issue with the kids? Disclose this to my friends? I wake up every DAY needing Jesus to guide my feet into peaceful ways to live in family with loved ones who have mood and perception disorders.

Then I came across these lyrics…

Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us (for me, hidden disabilities)
Get our attention to prove He is enough?

He’ll do and He’ll use whatever He wants to
To tell us, “I love you.”

Have you ever lost a loved one who you thought should still be here?
Do you know what it feels like to be tangled up in fear?
What if He’s somehow involved, what if He’s speaking through it all?…

His ways are higher, His ways are better
Though sometimes strange, what could be stranger
Than God in a manger…

God Speaking, Mandisa

I pray Jesus will guide you into peace today, and that you will hear God speaking to you,

“I love you.”

Being bent, in love,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Christmas, Prayer, Uncategorized Tagged With:
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