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The Goal of Parenting

May 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Every night when I put Jude to bed I pray the blessing of Numbers 6: 24-26 over him:

The Lord bless you and keep you

This ritual reminds me daily of a simple truth. While parenting a child with autism can be a unique experience, it is nonetheless an ordinary experience. Certainly, as parents we face peculiar challenges, and our prayers for Jude may often sound very different than the prayers of parents with neuro-typical children. Even so, our highest ambition for Jude–our greatest desire and joy for him–remains unchanged, even by his autism diagnosis. We want him to know Christ and make him known. We want him to love God with the entirety of his being.

We want him to understand our words, but even more we want him to receive God’s word. We want him to talk to us, but even more we want him to speak with God. We want him to look into our eyes, but even more we want him to seek God’s face.

Above all our hopes and dreams for him, we want Jude to have his greatest good and highest joy–we want him to have God. We want him to live a life wholly given to his Savior.

Joshua

Contact: joshua@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: Chosen Families, Expectations

5 Lessons from My Son with Autism

April 15, 2013 By 1 Comment

Autism Awareness Month causes those of us in the autism way to reflect on the uniqueness of our journey. Here are five invaluable lessons that my son Jude has taught me:

1. Being an autism parent is hard, but it’s not that hard.

God has given autism parents a special burden to carry. It is a hard road to walk. We spend months, even years, mourning the loss of our expectations after a diagnosis. But at some point we need to stop throwing our pity parties and realize that it isn’t that hard. We parent kids who have unique gifts and unique modes of intelligence. Sure life in the Hutchens house is hard. Nonetheless, you cannot quantify the abundance of joy Jude brings to our home. Joy outweighs sorrow, and the sorrows accentuate the joys by their contrast.

2. We communicate more than we say.

Every instructor in public speaking cites the well-worn line that 90% of communication is non-verbal. However, I never appreciated that until I had a non-verbal child. Jude says so much without ever saying a word. His smile when seeing you says “I love you” with one-million exclamation marks. The concentration on his face while playing with his VeggieTales toys communicates a fierce enjoyment of life. What we say with our words means much less than what we say with our lives.

3. Righteousness often doesn’t feel very righteous.

We used to live down the road from a monastery. The men there abandoned earthly-pursuits in order to live a life of righteous devotion to God. However, I tend to think that true righteousness cannot exist in separation from the world and genuine human relationships. Living a righteous life feels more mundane than it does sacred. Sometimes people comment about how much they have learned from our example of lovingkindness and patient forbearance with Jude. Truth be told, in public with my family, I often feel frazzled and on-edge. How God communicates his love and patience through me at such times, I don’t know, but he seems to do it. When righteousness shines through mundane lives, God gets the glory.

4. We need to be honest about our ambitions for our children.

We all know the parents who treat tee-ball like it is the seventh game of the World Series. Such parents are attempting to re-live their glory days through their kids. But let’s be honest. We all do the same thing in whatever area we value. I’m a learner, reader, and speaker. Before autism, I dreamed of giving my children an education full of language learning and the classics. After autism, I had to ask the question, “How much of those ambitions were about me?” We must be careful to make loving God and loving neighbor our highest desire for our children.

5. Every life reflects the image of God.

Disabled is not defective. Unfortunately, due to the technology of prenatal testing, countless disabled children today are never given the chance to live. Why? Because expecting parents see their unborn child’s disability as a defect. Parenting such a child might as well be a death sentence, the end of life as they pictured it. Certainly, a diagnosis like autism or Down syndrome will shatter your expectations. However, every gift from God is good and perfect (Jas 1:17). While Jude may have a disorder and while he may qualify as disabled, he is in no way defective. Take one look in his eyes and you will see the signature of his Creator. I cannot communicate how fortunate I am to father a child over whom God has spoken, “Mine!,” and in whom God has embedded his own image.

Thank you, Jude, for all you have taught and all you are teaching your daddy.

(Joshua)

 

Filed Under: Autism, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Moving: A Prayer Answered and New Prayer Requests

March 16, 2013 By 1 Comment

For over two years, my wife Stacy Leigh and I have been praying that God would give me a ministry position which would provide for our family and grant us long-term stability. In the fight to overcome the difficulties of autism, both money and stability serve as great allies. But for the past two years, God has kept these two things from us so that we would learn to rely upon him alone.

Yet, finally after this long wait, on Sunday God called me to serve as pastor of Mount Tabor Baptist Church in Buffalo, Kentucky. As any good Baptist knows, the search process for both ministers and churches can be arduous, but throughout this process, we witnessed God’s grace as he connected us with a church that exceeds our expectations and as he gave me favor in the eyes of that church far beyond what I deserve. In fact, he has so guided us that I do not hesitate to say that it was God himself who called me as pastor on Sunday when the congregation voted.

That said, big changes are coming for our family. As I turn a page in my ministry, our family has begun packing for a move to a town an hour away where we have no connections apart from the church. As we make this transition, we ask that you, ChosenFamilies.org readers, pray for us since we know that many of you understand the specific difficulties we face due to Jude’s hidden disability:

1. Please pray for a smooth move and a quick establishment of routine for Jude.

2. Please pray for deep, meaningful friendships to grow, especially for my wife.

3. Please pray for wisdom as we choose therapists and preschool options for Jude.

4. Please pray for us as we navigate bureaucracy. Even though we are only moving a few counties over within the same state, we must reapply for the grant that pays for most of Jude’s therapy. We have already been warned that there will likely be a lag in services as we transition to new providers.

5. Please pray that I will learn to balance all my roles: husband, father, pastor, seminary student, etc.

Joshua

Filed Under: Change, Family

Mental Illness and Community Disintegration

February 16, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Kentucky author Wendell Berry writes about something that many of us in our migratory modern lifestyles have never known–the vital connection between people and place that creates community. Following recent tragedies, a national dialogue has commenced–most prominently over gun control and less notably about mental illness. I do not pretend in these few words to offer any ideas about what legislators should do concerning these issues. I only hope that by sharing one of Berry’s stories I can highlight what too many miss–our need for connectedness, our need to mutually take responsibility for each other in our respective communities.

In his short-story “Watch with Me,” Berry takes us back to rural Kentucky in 1916. The story begins with the lovable, hard-working Tol Proudfoot who is laboring on his farm when his mentally ill neighbor Thacker Hample, also known as Nightlife, walks over the hill that separates their farms and grabs Tol’s shotgun. Nightlife declares, “Why, a fellow just as well shoot hisself, I reckon,” and then walks off into the woods. Over the next twenty-four hours as Nightlife wanders mindlessly through the county Tol, his nephew, and various other neighbors follow close behind him in an attempt to keep Nightlife from hurting himself or anyone else. By the grace of God, they evade several close calls, and on the following morning Nightlife returns to his right mind, puts the gun down, and goes on with life.

Berry wants us to ask, “What makes our world different from this past era?” Today our communities have disintegrated. Few of us live in the same town as parents and grandparents. We often live private and anonymous lives. Even at the grocery store, we opt for self-checkout in order to save time and avoid having to make eye contact with another human being.

In his story, Berry makes clear that the same types of tragedies we see today could have occurred and did occur in times past. However, his narrative argues that they were less likely to occur because of an essential safeguard that was in place, namely community. While the government can do many things to better assist the treatment of those with various mental illnesses, they cannot do for us what we will not do for ourselves. The government cannot resurrect our disintegrated communities.

We must personally take responsibility for those whom God has placed in our path and demonstrate genuine care and concern for their well-being. Mental illness, by its very nature, causes isolation. When community truly exists, people counteract isolation with loving interaction. In this way, we protect both the individual and the community at-large. We will never be able to avoid every tragedy, but we can attempt to protect others by resurrecting community.

Filed Under: community, mental illness

5 Characteristics of A Disabilities-Friendly Small Church

January 15, 2013 By 2 Comments

Jude and me at our church

On Sunday, our family took a huge step. With visual schedule in tow, Jude joined us in “big church” for the first half of the worship service and then attended children’s church for the remainder of the service. Most neuro-typical children find it difficult to sit still, remain reasonably quiet, and attend to the happenings of the typical worship service, but for an energy-filled child on the autism spectrum this can be an even greater challenge.

Thankfully, we have an outstanding church family. Many large churches fulfill the calling to love chosen families affected by hidden disabilities by creating special ministries and classrooms. Such an approach can be helpful, but many small to medium sized churches without the resources for disability ministries struggle to know how to help families like our own.

God has placed us in a relatively small church. In our children’s ministry, we have three classrooms for infants to 2 year olds and one children’s church class for both preschoolers and early elementary schoolers. We don’t have a large building or tons of money. Nonetheless, our church has embraced a gift named Jude with eagerness and flexibility. Below I list five characteristics of our church that have helped us enjoy gathering with them for worship despite the challenges involved:

1. Our church is a place free of judgment.

As a parent of a child with a hidden disability, you constantly feel judged by other people when your child doesn’t act “normally” in public. However, our church is a safe-place. When we are wrestling our little wild man in the fellowship hall and simultaneously trying to have a conversation, we never feel anyone’s eyes staring. Jude’s first time in “big church” didn’t go great. He didn’t want to sit. He didn’t know how to be quiet. He wanted to run down the aisle or crawl under the pew. Even so, we didn’t feel like anyone was saying, “Why don’t they do something with that child?!” Rather, we sensed the prayers of our brothers and sisters as they stood with us through this transition.

2. Our church has been flexible in classroom assignments.

Most children in our church leave the nursery and join the worship service and children’s church at 3 years old. Jude, however, turns 4 next month. He spent an extra year in the 2 year old class. He is a big boy who could pass for a first grader. You should have seen him towering over the other children! Still, no one pushed us to make the transition prematurely.

3. Our church has made classroom changes for Jude’s dietary restrictions.

On his gluten-free diet, Jude cannot have the typical nursery snack: Cheerios. Of course, he doesn’t know he can’t have Cheerios, and he thinks they look pretty appetizing. So Jude has his own snack table in the classroom, where he can eat his own snack free from Cheerio temptation.

4. Our church has demonstrated a willingness to learn.

Fortunately, we have a couple of women at our church who were formerly involved in special education, but even those who have no background in it whatsoever desire to learn about autism and about what makes Jude special. Furthermore, when leadership trains new volunteers, they take time to specifically discuss Jude and his needs.

5. Our church prays for us.

At certain times, our church has prayed corporately for our family. I cannot tell you how long we have gone fueled by that encouragement! Beyond those times, I know that many in our congregation pray regularly for us during their times of personal and family worship. Even when we suffer privately, like when the children of our church (many younger than Jude) sang Christmas songs for the congregation while we held him in the audience, we know that there are people who are sensitive to our sorrows and pray for us, even when they don’t say anything.

Love One Another

In summary, these five characteristics do not amount to anything revolutionary. We have been commanded to “love one another with brotherly affection” (Rom 12:10 ESV). Through these and other ways our church has loved our family specifically, and we cannot thank God enough for the love of Kenwood Baptist Church.

Joshua

Filed Under: Autism, Challenge, pastor/clergy Tagged With: , ,

Blessed Are You Among Women: The Exemplary Mother of a Suffering Child

December 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

When Gabriel greeted a teenage girl in Nazareth, he addressed her as the “favored one” (Luke 1:28). Following the angel’s announcement, the young woman left her Galilean home for a family reunion with her elderly cousin living in Judea. At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child danced with in-utero worship, and Elizabeth exclaimed, “Blessed are you among women” (Luke 1:42).

In his Gospel, Luke portrays Mary as strikingly different than Eve. Having received a message from a spiritual being, she seeks to discern the truth of the message and concludes by reaffirming her submission to God and his word (Luke 1:38; cf. Gen 3:1-7). Like Samuel’s mother Hannah, she worships God in magnificent song celebrating God’s sovereign power (Luke 1:46-55; cf. 1 Sam 2:1-10).

In light of these qualities, we can understand why both Gabriel and Elizabeth affirmed Mary’s uniqueness and blessedness. Also, when we think of the wondrous events that surrounded the birth of her Son–the singing angels, the shining star, and the worshiping Magi–we might be tempted to think of Mary’s blessedness in simple terms.

However, even the Lord’s mother found blessing through suffering.  Separated from her mother and family, she labored alone to deliver her Firstborn in a stable (Luke 2:7). How she must have been haunted by the screams of Bethlehem’s little boys, knowing not only that her Son could have been among them but also that her Son was the cause of their piercing screams at the hands of a murderous king (Matt 1:13-18). Often she did not understand her Son (Luke 2:50), and at times she even worried that he was losing his mind (Mark 3:20-21).

Finally the day came when she stood at her Son’s nail-pierced feet, watching him bleed and suffocate to death on a splintered tree. No doubt she felt that the darkness expressed the grief in her heart and that the earthquake emanated from her trembling soul.

No one has suffered like the God-Man who took upon himself the sins of his people. This season we celebrate his Incarnation, his becoming like us and experiencing our sorrows and temptations to the greatest degree. Mothers have a special way of absorbing the suffering of their children. So we cannot doubt that any woman has suffered like Mary–the very same woman who was greeted as the favored one and blessed among women.

Jesus knows the heartache of hurting mothers, and yet in his birth, life, death, burial, resurrection, ascension, and continuing reign, he promises mothers of hurting children a glory that cannot be compared with the sufferings of this present time (Rom 8:18). Perhaps he even had his own mother in mind when he declared, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt 5:4).

~ Joshua

Filed Under: Bible, Encouragement, Holidays, Parenting

The Autism Dad: The Danger of Becoming Insular

November 19, 2012 By 2 Comments

We’ve all met the Autism Dad or Mom. Maybe we’ve even been that person.

The Autism Dad (or insert your disease or disorder) is the type of person who can only think about and talk about autism. Every time you see him he wants to talk about a new therapy or group or school or whatever. His Facebook statuses vary between the sappy story to the empowering quote about…autism. You notice his car instantly because it is covered in autism bumper stickers, puzzle-piece magnet ribbons, and your state’s autism specialty license plate.

Autism has become his thing. He has assimilated it into his identity. He is, after all, the Autism Dad.

Hebrews 13:1 says, “Let brotherly love continue” (ESV). The author of Hebrews transitions so abruptly from the main argument (Heb 1-12) to his final instructions (Heb 13) that many liberal scholars have argued that chapter 13 was just tacked on to the original by a later editor. While I don’t believe that to be the case, we must admit that the author slams on the brakes when he goes directly from “our God is a consuming fire” to “let brotherly love continue,” especially considering that chapter and verse divisions were not added until over a thousand years later (Heb 12:29-13:1).

Nonetheless, the command the author gives flows naturally from his argument and has special application for those of us suffering through the trials of hidden disabilities. The original recipients of the letter–Jewish Christians–were suffering for their faith in Jesus Christ, and they were tempted to alleviate their suffering by re-assimilating into the legal religion of Judaism. The author warned his readers to continue in faith because the Son is greatly superior to the old covenant and there is no salvation apart from him.

People typically begin to reject Christ and return to their former lifestyle by first neglecting to meet together with their church (Heb 10:25a). The author contrasts this neglect of church participation with “encouraging one another” (Heb 10:25b). When people suffer, they tend to grow insular. They begin to focus almost entirely on themselves in order to survive the suffering.

I notice this tendency in myself, and it scares me. I fear that I might slowly be transforming into the Autism Dad. People kindly ask about us and give of their time, energy, and money to help us. Sometimes I begin thinking of myself primarily as a recipient. I talk more than listen. I gladly tell people how I’m doing when they ask and never stop to ask them about their life. I am the special case. I am the one who needs the attention and encouragement.

To counter this tendency, the author of Hebrews reminds us to “let brotherly love continue.” We should neither separate ourselves nor exalt ourselves over our brethren due to the trials we face. Our identity should not be rooted in a disease or disorder anymore than it should be rooted in a political party or favorite computer brand. We are the people of Christ. We are brothers and sisters in the family of the redeemed. Therefore, we must not forget to love and encourage one another.

~ Joshua

Filed Under: Autism, balance, Challenge, Confession, Journey, Uncategorized

One Year Living With Autism

October 17, 2012 By 5 Comments

After two years of growing concerns, Jude was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder last October. (You can read my bio if you you are unfamiliar with our family’s story.) This diagnosis gave my wife and me an immediate sense of relief. We kept saying to each other, “At least now we know what we are up against.” As the English proverb goes, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” Now one year into this journey, I want to record where we’ve been and look ahead to where we are going.

Over the past year, we have experimented with so many treatments and therapies that I’ve lost count. While a great number of recommendations helped Jude only minimally if at all, others have made some improvements in Jude’s language, social skills, and behaviors. Our greatest successes have come with dietary changes and supplements. Some sensory-seeking behavior and repetitive behaviors (like dropping rocks directly in front of his face or shaking his head rapidly) have been reduced, if not ended all together. Socially, we get the chance to look straight into his bright eyes much more now than ever before, and he consistently seeks us out for interactive playtime, whereas before we often felt like inanimate props in his own impenetrable world. Although we still want to see him engage with other kids more, overall he is more present today than he was a year ago. The fog he was living in seems to have begun to lift.

For us, the first red flags raised were in the area of language. By two years old, he did not speak any intelligible words, and he understood no more than ten words consistently. Today, Jude understands a good portion of what we say, although exactly how much is hard to determine, and he has also started using some words in play. He is like a non-stop jukebox of Veggie Tales songs. However, he still does not utilize language to communicate his needs or desires.

As we look forward, there are a few areas that we would like to ask readers to pray for:

Sleep. As is typical of children on the spectrum, Jude sleeps very poorly. We have experimented in numerous ways but have not achieved consistent sleep. Needless to say, lack of sleep inhibits Jude’s progress in learning social and language skills, and furthermore, over three and a half years, poor sleep wears on nerves and relationships.

Diet/Biomedical. We have made significant progress in this area, but there remains much needed wisdom to customize his diet and supplements even further. Thankfully, we have an appointment this year with a pediatrician who specializes in Autism. We hope that with her help we can fine tune what we are already doing as well as move forward with some physician-directed changes and treatments as well.

Therapies. Good sleep and the right diet only prepare Jude’s mind and body for learning. Learning actually takes place in therapy. Over the past year a psychologist and a speech therapist taught us to do TEACCH and play-based speech therapies on our own, and just this week we started utilizing a grant to hire therapy helpers. We hope to significantly increase the amount of time Jude has someone “in his face” over the next few months, but we know that this transition will challenge and frustrate him in the short-term.

Long-term. In only two more years, Jude will start kindergarten, and while we are thankful for the great number of educational options available for him, we are equally intimidated by these choices. Also, ultimately, our family desires to serve God again on the international mission field. Please pray for us as we seek God’s guidance in these big choices and seek to balance faithfulness both as parents and as those who are called to gospel ministry.

Filed Under: Autism, Family, Relationships, Sensory Processing Disorder Tagged With: ,

“God, How Could You?”: Choosing Lament or Grumbling

September 19, 2012 By 1 Comment

Last week, I watched a video featuring parents of disabled children giving advice to the parents of newly diagnosed children. While much of the video was encouraging, one father’s advice particularly disturbed me. This father warned that praying to the God who put you into this mess is futile.

Even though I wanted to dismiss his statement quickly, the frankness of his statement haunted me. Whether we like to admit it or not, in the midst of the turmoil and heartbreak, the sleepless nights and empty checking account, we’ve all wondered, “God, how could you?”

While some might disagree, I believe we shouldn’t be ashamed of such questions. The prayers of lament found in the Bible give us a model for handling anxiety and sorrow. For example, in Lamentations 3, the prophet accuses God of breaking his bones, attacking him like a bear or lion, and setting him up as the target for his arrows. How many times have you heard someone pray like that on Sunday morning? Yet, such words flow from the mouth of the prophet by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

But, you may ask, what makes lament different from the grumbling of Israel in the wilderness, which God condemns? The difference lies in the direction of the complaints. The prophet’s complaint leads him toward God. After saying in despair that hope is dead, he exclaims, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases” (Lam 3:21-22 ESV). The prophet did not list his complaints before God from a lack of faith in God. Rather, he sought to grapple with perceived inconsistency between the way things “should be” and reality; after engaging in this struggle, the prophet concluded that his initial viewpoint was not accurate. He had forgotten an important theological truth: God’s everlasting, promise-keeping, undeserved love. Remembering God’s promise-keeping love reoriented his outlook. However, the reorientation came through the process of lament.

The complaints of the wilderness generation, on the other hand, did not lead toward God. Rather, they led away from God causing them to replace God with an invented god. After the unfaithful generation dies, Moses warns their children, “Beware lest there be among you a man or woman or clan or tribe whose heart is turning away today from the LORD our God to go and serve the gods of those nations. Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit” (Deut 29:18). The author of Hebrews alludes to this verse when he warns, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb 12:15).

When we endure difficulty, especially over a long period of time, bitterness toward God can spring up in our hearts. God has not turned out to be who we expected him to be, and in our disappointment and disillusionment we reject God and commit the same sin of idolatry as the wilderness generation.

As we deal with our disappointments, we must be careful to come to God in faith. In prayer we can empty ourselves of our complaints, allowing him to remind us of his lovingkindness, or we can choose the path of those whose corpses fell in the wilderness. Let us guard against an overgrowth of bitterness toward him in our hearts lest we shrink back from faith in him.

~ Joshua

Filed Under: Bible, Faith, Hope, Parenting, Prayer, Trust

The Talent of Suffering

August 9, 2012 By 2 Comments

Your talents are not your only talents.

In Matthew 25, Jesus tells a parable contrasting two faithful servants with a slothful servant. Before departing on a journey, a wealthy master divides his monetary assets among these three servants. The first two invest the assets and receive profit for the master, but the third buries the money given him. Upon returning, the master rewards the faithful servants and casts the slothful servant into outer darkness.

In Matthew’s version of this parable, Jesus uses the Greek word talanton to describe the amount of money given to each servant. Our English word talent descends from this Greek word, but we cannot simply read the modern English meaning of talent into talanton. Talanton does not indicate special skills or natural giftedness. To Matthew’s readers, the word simply meant a standard of weight or an amount of money roughly equivalent to 6,000 denarii (One talent was equivalent to about twenty-years’ wages for the average laborer!).

So, every time I hear someone read the modern meaning of talents into the monetary talents of Matthew 25 I cringe. “If you can play the guitar,” the preacher says, “then do it for Jesus.” Who can argue with that? However, when we limit the symbolism of the talents in the parable to our natural skills we also limit the meaning of the parable.

To understand, let’s start by asking what is the main point of the parable? As we wait for King Jesus to return, we should invest all that God has given us for the kingdom of Christ. Hasn’t God given us much more than our talents? In fact, he has given us everything. “Every good and every perfect gift is from above” (Jas 1:17 ESV).

Jesus tells this parable toward the conclusion of a discourse warning about the end of this earthly kingdom and his imminent return (24:1-25:46). As in birth pains, suffering characterizes these last days prior to the return of Christ (24:4-14). Yet, in the midst of this present suffering, the saints find plentiful opportunities to demonstrate the love of Christ to “the least of these” (25:31-40).

On the basis of this context, I believe that the talents of the parable can also represent our suffering. In 2 Corinthians, Paul blesses the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (1:3-4). Our loving, sovereign God comforts us in the midst of affliction. The paths of righteousness run through the valley of the shadow of death that we might find comfort in the Shepherd’s rod and staff (Ps 23). But as Paul’s doxology in 2 Corinthians indicates, God comforts us that we might also comfort others.

As we patiently endure suffering, we must utilize our own experiences to love and comfort others. If we don’t invest our sufferings in this way, we will selfishly hide them from others, burying them away from the sight of anyone else. Yet, when the King returns, he will reward those who humbly gave their afflicted lives for others, just as he gave himself for us.

Filed Under: Bible, Encouragement, humility
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