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Encouragement

June 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

meet for a reasonI’m sure there are many reasons in the heavenly realms that I have been chosen to raise an amazing and sometimes challenging child like Daniel (age 17, ASD and learning disabilities). This week I re-discovered one of them and I am so glad the Lord allowed me a glimpse of it.

I was at a gathering with some friends and their children and was watching a very energetic teen bounce off the walls. He was a delightful young man and I really enjoyed his humor and energy. But his high energy also included some risk-taking behaviors – jumping off things, hanging out of the side and back of the hayride trailer. The moms in the trailer were constantly watching him with worry but his mom was very relaxed and, as long as he wasn’t in actual danger, let him “do his thing.” She explained that she was used to him and that he was actually just fine. It reminded me of when Daniel was little and was mostly demonstrating ADHD behaviors. He would stress others out but I was used to him.

I got to talk to the mom and told her how delightful her son was. I casually mentioned that God makes kids like him on purpose and has a wonderful plan for their high energy and risk-taking. I was surprised when she thanked me for this comment and said she needed the reminder. I also told her that I was VERY high energy as a child (so much so that my parents waited almost 8 years to have another child – but I’m sure I wasn’t the only reason they waited, right? ☺). Now, I am a caregiver for my father, disabled husband, son with Aspergers and learning disabilities and my neuro-typical daughter. I also work full-time as a teacher and homeschool. Now I know why I was (and am) so high energy – God knew what was in store in my life and made me that way on purpose, and I am so glad He did!

I was so thankful that I was able to encourage someone else, even if just a little bit, from the encouragement that I had previously received from the Lord and from his revealing of one of his purposes in making me and making my son Daniel. It reminded me of these verses: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

If you are in a stressful parenting situation with your “chosen child”, don’t forget to take note of the encouraging things, the things that God shows you. You may be able to use them to encourage someone else!

Brooke

Contact: Brooke@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: ADHD, Asperger, Encouragement, Teenager, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Sanctuary

December 15, 2012 By 1 Comment

There are times in all of our lives where we are looking for sanctuary – a safe, peaceful place. At this time of year, we all hear the story of Mary and Joseph looking for sanctuary – a safe, warm, peaceful place for Jesus to be born. Many of us moms are looking for just a few minutes of sanctuary where the crazy schedule and the multitude of demands upon us can be ignored in favor of a deep breath and a moment of peace.

Those of us with children with hidden disabilities are especially reminded this time of year that our children are seeking sanctuary from the chaos, unknown people & places, and unpredictable schedules. As much as this whirlwind season drives us “neurotypical” people crazy, that craziness is intensified in our children.

My 16 year old son, Daniel, (ADHD/ASD), has demonstrated that need for a peaceful place many times over the years and at this time of year in particular. Several years ago, at a family Christmas gathering out of town, we were spending two nights at a family member’s house. Daniel is used to having a place to retreat where things are quiet and safe and just like he wants them to be (a.k.a. his room or “man cave”). On this Christmas trip, there were so many people sleeping over that everyone was just grabbing a place to sleep on couches and recliners. There were absolutely NO rooms in the inn where he could retreat and be quiet and alone. So, while the games and music and video games were winding down late at night, Daniel decided to retreat to the bathroom for some quiet – to read and play his DS. This wasn’t a problem until everyone went to sleep and the master bedroom’s bath was behind closed doors for the night, leaving the bathroom that he was in as the only one for the rest of the crowded house. Unintentionally, Daniel fell asleep in there on the bathroom rug. Did I mention that he is a hard sleeper when he finally falls asleep? Needless to say, my husband wasn’t very happy when he had to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and found that the hall bathroom was locked, forcing him to go outside in the freezing cold! We have laughed over this story many times in the years since but there was no laughter that night (from my husband at least).

Since then, our extended family Christmases have been just as chaotic but Daniel has learned to stake out a place to call his own (sometimes behind a couch or in one of the free bedrooms) or we sometimes choose to only stay one night. Even on immediate family vacations to unfamiliar places, Daniel needs a sanctuary and often chooses a closet or extra bathroom or even his own room if there is one for him.

I hope we all can remember this Christmas season to take refuge and find sanctuary in the only true peaceful place – the person of Jesus Christ. I hope I can remember (along with all of you other busy parents of kids with hidden disabilites) to pray, focus on the Lord and his birth, take a deep breath and enjoy Christmas with our special Chosen Families.

~ Brooke

Filed Under: ADHD, Asperger, Autism, Christmas, Extended family, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , ,

What Tired Does

November 1, 2012 By 2 Comments

This is an un-enhanced picture of Tired. The bags are real.

Meet Tired.

Tired has been without power, locked in her house in the path of a Maryland-bound hurricane with three stir-crazy children. During this time, Tired’s children have subconsciously been looking to their eldest brother to set the pace. The same eldest brother whose ADHD LOVES a hurricane because it means he can run in literal circles, destroy his bedroom, scream, chase his sister, hit his brother, and wreak general, exceptional chaos.

Tired feels sick most of the time, and is coming off being sick again, which means she has recently been forced to miss the things like riding that energize her and make her less Tired. Plus, Tired’s health is getting worse, not better, and she has begun to dread her doctor’s appointments. Dread makes her tired. Tired has also just recently learned her post-chemo brother is back in the hospital all the way across the country, and this, too, makes her Tired.

Tired is staring down the barrel of the most challenging time of the year, which involves Thanksgiving, her wedding anniversary, her husband’s birthday, her daughter’s birthday, and Christmas in four short weeks. At this time of the year, Tired is also Broke.

Tired is often Worried, sometimes Cranky and Short-Tempered, and occasionally Sad. Because being Tired makes her a lot of other things.

So what does Tired do during a hurricane?

Tired sits on the couch with her children to watch a cartoon after the generator kicks in, wrapping each of them in a blanket and stashing their feet in her lap, because sitting on the couch feels good, but sitting with her children feels even better.

Tired pets her children often, touching their hair, kissing their cheeks, because connecting with them is so easy when they are so close, and there is so little she can otherwise do.

Tired gives up on the laundry because she has to – because there is no water, and no power, and she is quite surprised to discover that simply closing the laundry room door is as effective as “doing” laundry. Until everyone runs out of underwear.

Tired becomes Patient with her son, because she realizes how trying he can be when he has no outlet for his energy, and eventually, becomes more creative in how to let him blow off steam. This gives Tired AND her son some peace. But boy, it makes the basement a mess.

Tired breaks up fights by lowering her voice, and taking each child to her side because really, it’s just too much energy for Tired to yell. She is amazed to discover that this actually works.

Tired pulls back the covers in the middle of the night when the darkness and the silence is too much for her three-year-old, because she realizes that as the baby, these moments with him will fly with quickened pace each day he grows.

When the power comes back on, and the same litany of things is facing Tired, and the calendar is ticking like a clock hand, Tired realizes she is also Happy.

And that she might not mind another storm.

- Sarah

Filed Under: ADHD, Challenge, Change, Contentment, Emotions, Family, Parenting, Uncategorized, weariness

On the Edge of Glory

September 8, 2012 By 3 Comments

It is amazing to me how fast time flies. It seems like yesterday I was picking up Daniel (ADHD, Aspergers, learning disabilities) from preschool and hearing once again about how he had bitten someone or was having trouble with his letters and writing. Even with his challenges, I knew he was an amazing boy. Then, when we got the Asperger’s diagnosis in 3rd grade, although I had to readjust my expectations, I still knew he was an amazing boy.

I wonder how many of us would actually want a “normal” child. Yes, we want our children to fall within certain social or academic parameters to make life easier for them and for us. And we want them to look normal in their dress and appearance to some degree. But do we really want them to BE normal? I thought I wanted normal children – ones that follow the rules and succeed in school and are always obedient. But when the Lord gave me the two I have, and one of them struggled in school and in social life and in behavior, I realized I didn’t really want normal kids. Yes, I cried a lot when I couldn’t figure out what to do about social conflicts, academic challenges, or difficulties. I prayed a lot too. But, most of all, I loved my little critters and really enjoyed them.

As time has flown by, the Lord has taught me so very many things. One thing that he has preached to my soul over and over is that he has great plans for both my children. Now, as Daniel is sixteen and only two years away from his senior year of high school, I realize that he is on the edge of those great plans, on the edge of glory (God’s glory, that is). Daniel is showing me that all that struggle and therapy and regular schooling and homeschooling and prayer and Bible study and encouragement is going to be worth it. He is becoming a responsible driver, a child who is quick to help when I ask (even if he doesn’t see the need on his own, he is willing to help if I point it out), a young man who wants to learn about the Lord and grow in his faith (even if the noise and chaos of youth group and Sunday School can overwhelm him), and an eager learner. He has learned about himself over the years and can tell me how he wants to learn something and the pace at which he wants that learning to take place.

I am so thankful that as time continues to fly by, God will continue to reveal his glory in and through Daniel. I can trust in God’s faithfulness that I have seen in His promises and in our lives. So, for those of you who are struggling (and I know we will continue to have heartaches and struggles too), know that there are beautiful times ahead where God will begin to reveal the young man or woman that your chosen child will be someday. He will show you in many ways how HIS glory will be revealed in your life and your child’s life. Keep up the praying and moving forward – to the glory of God.

~ Brooke

Filed Under: ADHD, Asperger, God's presence, learning disabilities, Teenager Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Lord, hear my heart

May 30, 2012 By Leave a Comment

A friend was asking me questions about ADD/ADHD the other day. It took me back to the days before my children were diagnosed with ADHD/ADD. I remember noticing symptoms and wondering what they meant. It really concerned me that the kids couldn’t focus a lot of the time.

I have two children with ADD/ADHD.  My oldest was very hyper and hard to settle. His impulsivity caused problems on a daily basis. Both of them could hyper focus on television, books and games which I thought did not fit. I assumed that a person with ADHD would be unable to focus but what I learned is that it is more of an inconsistency of attention. At times unable to focus and other times hyper focusing. Impulsivity, hyperactivity, distractibility, restlessness, difficulty waiting for turns, easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, difficulty following instructions, difficulty completing tasks — these can all be hallmarks of the disorder.

A book I read during the process of diagnosis was Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D. I learned so much about the process of diagnosis, symptoms, treatments and in general what ADD/ADHD was about. It answered many of my questions and gave suggestions to help a person with ADD/ADHD.

There is so much misinformation and assumptions about all hidden disabilities. Some people are very understanding and others want to judge. I suppose that is a reflection on humans in general — how we process information about others and respond to it. I have learned to not get into discussions (or excuse myself from discussions) with people who obviously don’t understand. When people judge I have learned to take it to the Lord and cry my hurt out to Him. Who understands more than Jesus how it feels to be judged, ridiculed, belittled and punished for doing the right thing. He is the only one who really understands and feels my pain and He is also the only one who can HEAL my pain.

Lord thank you for your sacrifice on the cross and thank you that you understand and feel my pain. You alone hear my heart’s cry and you are the only one who can HEAL me. I release my hurts to you. All of the times I have been judged and misunderstood. I am so grateful that at the judgement day you alone will judge me and you know my heart and my intentions. Help me to allow you to guide me and give me Your wisdom because You are the source of all wisdom. I love you with my whole heart and I want your will in my life and for my family. Amen

Twyla

Filed Under: ADHD, healing, Parenting Tagged With:

Back on Track

May 19, 2012 By 2 Comments

My 23 year old son (ADHD, ODD) retook the driving test yesterday and PASSED!!!!! All praise be to God.

I went with him to practice on Monday and he was driving fairly well. On Tuesday when he was practicing before the test he was really nervous and saying that he thought that he would fail. I realized that so many negative words have been spoken over and about him since he was a toddler that he hears them in his head even when they are not present at that particular moment.

I think our children with hidden disabilities have heard far too many negative thoughts and comments. It is actually heart breaking to hear the negative words repeated back out of their mouths and feel the defeat that follows those words. So much judgment and so little grace has been experienced in their lives. I spoke to the negativity and the fact that it does not define my son and there is so much positive that needs to be said. I followed this with some words of encouragement.

When he was actually taking the test (and waiting for the test to begin) I was praying the entire time. I could feel the pressure and I was elated when the test was over and he PASSED. I had told the Lord that if he passed I would acknowledge the Lord’s intervention on my son’s behalf. Thank you Lord for helping my son to pray for your help and trust you to answer — and answer you did in a big way.

Help me Lord to speak words of validation over my children and remember to encourage them daily. Show me Your heart for my children and help me to value them every day. Help them to reach out to you as their source because you see their heart and you value them and love them so much more than I am even capable of. Lessen the impact of the negative and critical words that are spoken over them and open the eyes of the people speaking those words to extend compassion and grace to my children.

~ Twyla

Filed Under: ADHD, Parenting Tagged With: ,

@.%. is a swear word?

May 16, 2012 By 1 Comment

@.%. = M.A. – - – as in Medical Assistance (a federal or state run program that provides benefits for children with certain types of disabilities, such as cognitive or developmental, i.e. Autism)

Yep, I swore. I must have. They fawned over my husband and I as he looked at glasses frames, needing a new pair because he’d broken his over the weekend. I’d mentioned that I was also looking for my son because we recently learned he also needed glasses. I was getting a look at what they had for kids’ frames and would come back with him later, possibly that night after school. The clerk was so helpful and happy to show me options, even bringing out more frames from her back room.

And then I did it. I said “the naughty word”. My son has M.A. and we were thinking that we’d like to also get him a pair of frames through his M.A. insurance. We figured he could use those glasses when he was playing sports or in the yard. It was like someone turned the light off. I can’t even describe for you the STARK contrast in customer service from that point on. Wow, it was like they were saying – “Please leave now. If you want to use M.A. (even though we offer it as an option) we don’t want any of your business.” I was so thrown off, confused, dumbfounded – honestly, I just didn’t get it. I went so far… I actually came back there with my son!? He tried on frames, and his senses went into overload. It was overwhelming, for many reasons, but I don’t doubt he sensed the rude attitude oozing out of the clerks.

Grrr. It took me several more days before I was able to find out why this “M.A.” was so *awful*. I straight out asked another honest and compassionate provider who explained to me why that clinic may have acted that way, albeit – they were not justified in doing so. It’s costly for them to offer these frames and service to people. That simple. Wow. I called up the head optometrist at the clinic and explained to him what happened.  How disappointing it was to be treated that way. Especially when you consider we live in a small community and we’re likely to need glasses again in the future.  We came in there trying on frames for two members of our family, we were actually planning (and told them this!) to buy a pair of nice glasses through our private insurance and out-of-pocket expense and then on top of that do the M.A. glasses, and geez… you OFFER this (insurance) program – it is a provider’s choice whether or not to offer it. How rude.

I should have gotten up at that moment and walked out of there. I would have, had I been more educated about what they were doing to me, why they were treating me that way. But I guess this time God was using my lack of knowledge at the time to keep my mouth shut until He was ready for me to calmly face the situation.

Sadly, I still gave them my business. And we’re skipping on the M.A. frames. I don’t really like that I’ve caved on all fronts. I guess you could say I took one for the team. Trying on frames is hard for Owen (7 with Autism), and we actually found one he liked there that fit him. I couldn’t put him through looking at lots of different places. BUT, I have learned from this situation, and I really do hope that somehow God will work in the hearts of the people at that clinic… in particular one very rude woman there who needs a serious reality check. Really, get over yourself lady. There’s more to life than judging a sweet little seven year old who happens to have a hard time trying on glasses frames, gets wiggly, and his mother who happens to say “the naughty word”.

*Disclaimer: I wanted to note that I have had positive experiences with some M.A. providers (dental, medical) but sadly had very negative experiences with two eye care providers in our small community.

Filed Under: ADHD, Anxiety, Autism, Conflict Tagged With: , ,

Back to the drawing board (AGAIN)

April 30, 2012 By Leave a Comment

My 23 year old son (ADHD, ODD) failed his driving test today. He passed his test a few years ago and has been driving on his own since then. Our license system is three pronged. You take a written test and get a G1 license (formerly beginner license) that allows you to drive with a licensed driver who has had their full license for more than 4 years. Then you take a driving test which gives you a G2 license which allows you to drive alone with limitations until you take another driving test to get a full G license. You also must allow 9 months between each stage, from G1 to G2 to G. You have 5 years to get your full G or you have to start the process again. He had a G2 license and was due to take his test to get a full G license but he decided to retry for his G2 license since it is easier to pass and then he would get another 5 years to get his full G license. Since he failed he is back to a G1 license and can’t drive alone any more. This is going to be quite a challenge since we live out in the country and he lives in one town, works in another town and we live in a third town that form a triangle geographically.  It would be quite expensive to take a cab and there is no public transit.

It is such a challenge to get a license in Canada and hidden disabilities make that even harder.

My 21 year old has been unable to learn to drive yet. She has her G1 and took drivers’ ed but she has visual challenges as well as her ADD and OCD. She has passed the 5 year mark so she has to reapply to get her G1 again.

I never dreamed when they were younger that driving would be so hard, that they would have such a challenge with getting their licenses, and that I would be driving them around so long. Some days it feels like they are never going to grow up.

It was a challenge to surrender this to the Lord and know He can use even this to mature them in their walk with Him (and probably me as well).

Lord, I give this situation to You to use for our good and Your kingdom and I thank you for the tough times that force growth even when it hurts. Thank you for caring enough about me and my family to challenge us to grow again in you. I love you Lord more than life and I trust You completely.

~ Twyla

Filed Under: ADHD Tagged With:

Thank you Lord for effective meds

April 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Sometimes it takes going without to realize how deeply grateful you can be for something. The something in particular is Jocelyn’s ADD meds. She is back on them on a daily basis and I could dance with joy. I can hardly believe how much she has been focused and how much she has accomplished. It is simply lovely and amazing. In retrospect I wonder if I should have resisted the meds as long as I did when she was little. She started meds when she was 11 and they have been such a help. I didn’t trust the safety of them and held out as long as she could somewhat cope although coping is sometimes all she could manage. At puberty it was blatantly obvious how much she needed them and they really helped.

The last time she was off her meds was when she was switching meds to try a different one and she had to go off for three days in between. On the second day she went into the store she works at to do some shopping and she was skipping up and down the aisles saying Ohhhhh loooook! Her coworkers checked what department she would be working in the next day so they could come watch. She vacillated from sleeping to hyper in an amusing fashion but I was glad when she started the new med.

Thank you Lord for meds that work. I am deeply grateful all over again.

~ Twyla

Filed Under: ADHD, Medication Tagged With: ,

My Tool Belt

April 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tools. You just can’t get every job done with a Phillips or flat head screwdriver. Sometimes I have to get out my hammer. I love my level – probably one of my favorite tools. There are tools I’ve only used once, thus far, but had to have to get the job done: an electrical tester and caulk scraper. Then there’s the tool you won’t find in a kit, but often “saves the day” – Duct tape. ;o)

But I have another tool belt. Sometimes I use the tools in this belt almost every day for a season, and then find I don’t use them for what seems like years. I should almost create a visual model of this tool belt, so I don’t forget about all the handy tools I have available to me. Instead I store them in my memory bank and every once in awhile I pull one out and think to myself: “That worked like a charm! Why didn’t I think to try that sooner?!”

So what are the tools in this belt? Social Stories, Visual Schedules, Comic Strip Stories, PECS, Sensory Stimulators or “Calmers”, and more. So much more. See what I mean about needing a visual model of the tools I know? I can’t think of them all at this moment but I have used so many over the years.

Sometimes they are complex and require days to prepare, like the social story I wrote for our trip to Disney World. All the time and effort was worth it, our trip went very smoothly for Owen. He knew what to expect because of the story. Taking his shoes off at the airport’s TSA checkpoint was no big deal. Not knowing ahead of time exactly what color our rental vehicle would be, not a problem.

I often underestimate the value of a little sticky note. Here’s a very basic example of how I used one years ago. I was telling a therapist how difficult it was to take Owen with me when I had a few errands to do. She asked if I write myself a list when I go shopping? I answered, “Of course I do, it helps me make sense of what all needs to be accomplished and to make a plan for completing my errands with the least amount of back-tracking.” Then she asked, “Wouldn’t it make sense, then, that a list might help Owen?” So I tried it the next time I did errands. 

WOW!  It worked!  He followed along with my list of places we had to go and during our longest errand he followed along with each item we had to look at, in the store.

I recently pulled this tool from my belt, and it once again worked like a charm! Owen always has a hard time with the changing of seasons, or rather, the change of appropriate clothes for the weather. In the Midwest, we can have summer like weather and be back to winter temps, all during the Spring. This creates arguments when getting ready for school. Owen had gone through a week of wearing shorts to school during temps that were too chilly for it, because the battle was just not worth it. I figured he would learn his lesson eventually, but he just kept choosing shorts on chilly days. Then, I got out a sticky note and wrote down my requirement for shorts.

I showed Owen the note, stuck it on my printer and now each morning we check the weather together on my computer. If the high for the day is 55 degrees or higher, Owen gets to wear shorts. And when it’s 54 degrees or lower, Owen knows the “rule”. It’s right there in front of him, in “black and white” – it is concrete. And I am not the bad guy. That is just the requirement. Since I stuck that little note there and with our daily reference to it, there have been no more fights about having to wear pants on chilly days!

Yay, the tool belt comes to the rescue yet again!

- Handywoman Kara

Filed Under: ADHD, Autism, Communication Tagged With: ,
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