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Let’s Shift Again Like We Did Last Summer

May 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

This week, I received the most frightening email I think I’ve ever read:

photo

Yep. My girl’s moving up to the youth group at church.

We’ve been talking about the shift that’s looming, asking Cami what she thinks about it. Mostly, she just shrugs her shoulders, which usually means she either doesn’t know what she thinks, or she doesn’t know what we’re wanting her answer to be. Tonight at dinner, I think we determined that she doesn’t know what to expect from youth group, so she’s not sure what to think. She’s more like her dad when it comes to handling unknown expectations: they look forward to the adventure, and they’ll decide what they think about it when they get into the middle of it.

I wish I looked at unknown expectations that way. I tend to invent terrible scenarios in my head and expect the worst, guaranteeing that the actual experience can only be better than what I’ve imagined. I’m still working on changing that tendency.

My middle school experience (we called it “junior high school” back then) composes some of my most painful memories. That doesn’t mean this season will be painful for Cami. As my sweet friend Holly reminded me a few weeks back, Cami is not me. Her life path is already drastically different than mine was at her age, if for no other reason than she’s homeschooled.

Still…

Y’all please pray for us in the month of June. Our little family will be navigating some hidden, but huge, changes. And this momma is apprehensive and excited, terrified and hopeful, all in the same breath.

Counting on Jesus and expecting great things from Him,

Candi

 

 

Filed Under: Expectations, Journey Tagged With: ,

Spittin’ in the Wind

May 24, 2013 By 1 Comment

Consider the work of God: who can make straight what He has made crooked?  In the day of prosperity be joyful, BUT in the day of adversity consider that God has made the one side by side with the other, so that man may not find out anything that shall be after him.   Ecclesiastes 7:13, 14

Believe it or not, God makes some things c-r-o-o-k-e-d on purpose, and you are WASTING YOUR TIME if you try to straighten them out. I’ve tried. The results are about the same as spittin’ into the wind.

So, if I could go back in time (which, btw, I have NO desire to do), and have a frank talk with myself (like I don’t already talk to myself), THIS is (some) of what I would say:

  1. Honey, relax. If your children get to high school (and I know that’s an “if”), they will NOT be in diapers. (I thought we would never get through potty-training.)
  2. Yes, God knew EXACTLY what He was doing when He assigned each child (regardless of temperament, talents, or disabilities) to you, to parent.
  3. Don’t freak out when your mother, who you greatly admire, declares none of her children were anything like this. God didn’t give them to her.
  4. I know you don’t think you need to change, but you do. And wonder of wonders, this husband, this child, this season of life, is going to help you change.
  5. Remember: Jesus saves. Not education.
  6. No matter what anyone says, there is no one “right” way to educate a child.
  7. Welcome to war. There is no AWOL, so quit looking for an out. Make it count – ask God for ALL the spoils.
  8. You will need help, so get over it, humble yourself, and ask.  Lone Rangers do not last long.
  9. Suffering comes to EVERYONE. (I thought if I did enough right, I could avoid pain. Wrong.)
  10. Sweetie, God is perfect goodness, so His plan for you is perfectly good. It is never, ever pointless pain.
  11. There are RICHES in this dark place. Mine those treasures, girl.
  12. God will NOT fail you or your children. Ever.
  13. Sometimes you WILL feel BETRAYED by God, but it will never be true.
  14. I know you think this will never happen, but when you see the end results, you will completely AGREE with His choices for your life!
  15. You can (and will) live without everything you THINK you need (marriage, friends, children, good reputation, being understood, predictability) but you cannot live without GOD and His Word.

Live and learn. I know I am preaching to the choir….

Affectionately,

Joan

Contact: Joansjourney@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: ADD, Bipolar Disorder, Encouragement, Expectations, humor, learning disabilities, mental illness, Uncategorized

The Goal of Parenting

May 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Every night when I put Jude to bed I pray the blessing of Numbers 6: 24-26 over him:

The Lord bless you and keep you

This ritual reminds me daily of a simple truth. While parenting a child with autism can be a unique experience, it is nonetheless an ordinary experience. Certainly, as parents we face peculiar challenges, and our prayers for Jude may often sound very different than the prayers of parents with neuro-typical children. Even so, our highest ambition for Jude–our greatest desire and joy for him–remains unchanged, even by his autism diagnosis. We want him to know Christ and make him known. We want him to love God with the entirety of his being.

We want him to understand our words, but even more we want him to receive God’s word. We want him to talk to us, but even more we want him to speak with God. We want him to look into our eyes, but even more we want him to seek God’s face.

Above all our hopes and dreams for him, we want Jude to have his greatest good and highest joy–we want him to have God. We want him to live a life wholly given to his Savior.

Joshua

Contact: joshua@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: Chosen Families, Expectations

The Right Size

April 28, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Max Lucado remember you are specialAs far back as I can remember, I’ve thought of myself as overweight. Indeed, for many years, I have been overweight. Last summer, I embarked on a journey to reach the weight which God designed my body to carry. I’m well on my way in losing the extra poundage. (Thank You, Jesus!)  In this current season of my life, as I discover what my true body type is, and what styles best suit my physical frame, I’ve discovered another curious thing:

For much of my life, I’ve been content to wear clothes that are too big for me.

Today, for the first time in literally years, I put on an extra-large-sized t-shirt. And it was just a little too big! I have to tell you: the shirts in my closet in recent years have run as large as a 4X. And honestly, I’m not sure I was ever that large.

I just thought I was. Other people in my life affirmed that assessment of myself that I’d made. Overweight people wear plus sizes; I’m overweight; therefore, I must wear a 4X. Those big shirts hid my actual shape and, I dare say, made me look heavier than I actually was. But I wore them because I believed they were what I should wear.

As my body shape changes, wearing the right-sized clothes takes getting used to. I have to make a mental adjustment to my pants snugly fitting me and my shirts showing off my waistline. I don’t have adequate words to describe to you the freedom I’m finding as I give away the too-big shirts and purchase the fits-me-like-a-t clothes that are populating my closet now. I feel beautiful for maybe the first time in my life.

In the same way, finding the right fit for my daughter, and discovering the right size for our family, has transformed the way we do life. I shared with you awhile back the clothing hoops we jump through in order to accommodate Cami’s sensory struggles. Yet the fit I’m talking about here is in her environments, in her activities, in her friendships, in her transitions. Sometimes, it takes a major shift to find where Cami fits and what works for her. Sometimes, it’s as simple as a little tweak here and there in the status quo. Every time, it takes paying attention and being brave enough to say, “This isn’t working. Let’s try something different.”

My friend Betsy used to describe it as being a student of my child. She used to tell me that Cami’s learning glitches­—the dyspraxia, the dyslexia, and sensory processing disorders (vestibular, visual, and auditory)—were gifts from God because they made me slow down and pay attention to my girl. She was right. When we pulled her out of public school kindergarten all those years ago, we took time—time for Cami to heal from the traumas at school, and time for us to figure out who we were and what worked best for our family. We took time to discover the right fit for all of us.

We stopped looking at Cami as a problem to correct and instead embraced her as a puzzle to solve, an intricate, sometimes frustrating but always fascinating treasure to unlock. God forced Michael and I to take Cami out of the box the benchmarks and growth charts and child development books tried to keep her in. He helped us turn our girl loose in an open field and say, “Go be who you are. Let’s see what happens!” What we’ve discovered is this amazing human being who loves God with all her heart, loves other people in a truly selfless way, and loves to learn. We’re also discovering how to look at each other the same way we look at Cami.

We’ve stepped out of the trap of “supposed to be.” We’ve stopped comparing our family and our rhythm of life to other families around us. We’re finding the right fit for us. It isn’t easy. Sometimes, it’s downright chaotic. But every millimeter of the journey is worth it because we’re following Jesus, and I have to tell you: our family is brimming with life. Our hearts are settled and at peace with Him and with each other. We genuinely like each other!

As parents and caregivers, we must be careful—and intentional—to allow our loved ones to be who God created them to be. He made them fearfully and wonderfully, seeing them as His masterpieces, His beautiful, glorious works of art. He made us all that way, infusing us with His image. We are all different. It sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. Each one of us has a unique fingerprint, a unique DNA sequence, even a unique ear shape! God takes such great care to craft us each unique from anyone else. So why do we spend so much time and effort trying to look like everyone else? be like everyone else? do life like everyone else?

Be brave enough this week to ask Jesus to show you the right size and fit for your family. Just ask Him. And when you ask Him, be ready for the most amazing discoveries you could ever imagine.

Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. Ephesians 3:20, NLT

Flattening boxes of fear and expectations, dancing in fields of grace,

Candi

Contact: cassandra@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: Expectations, Journey Tagged With: ,

Time

January 16, 2013 By Leave a Comment

[It is] God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. Psalm 18:32 (NKJV)

I am about two weeks behind.

The fall was busy with moving into a new home in mid October, hurricane Sandy, sick children and a nor’easter just heading into the busy holiday season compounded with struggles from my daughter’s sensory processing disorder. Then already behind on Christmas shopping in mid December, I became sick (guessing it was the flu); and despite my best attempts, so did my whole family.

Thankfully none of us were horribly sick, but it did take a full two weeks to feel 100%. So Christmas Eve and Christmas day were spent just our sweet little family to keep the germs to ourselves.  It was very different, but we all made the most of it.

We started celebrating Christmas with extended family on New Year’s Day and again the following weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed each celebration and embraced the joy of the season. And just last week I began doing what I try to do every New Year: reflect on what God has done and ask Him for one word for the upcoming year. Beginning this process (I’m not yet certain on the word) has made me feel like I am finally ready for 2013!

As I have been journaling and reflecting on the past month or so, it occurred to me that what appeared to be behind according to the calendar, was actually on time for me and just what I needed.

While I cannot know for certain, I wonder whether I would have really celebrated and enjoyed Christmas as much if it had been celebrated the same as every year? This past year was NOT like every year for us (a future post or two) and it made sense that our celebration was not the same.

We are not the same people.

So even if our celebrations were on the appropriate days, it would have been different anyway. Trials and tribulations have a way of drawing you close to the Father that forever changes you if you let them.

Realization: I am not behind, but on time according to His schedule as I seek to abide in Him.

On time,

~Lynn

 

Filed Under: Christmas, Expectations, Holidays, Sensory Processing Disorder, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Back to School?

August 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Most posts I see at this time of year are about Back to School. As I was telling the children that I couldn’t focus in the chaos of everyone being home, I realized that I am truly just trying to survive my way through the summer. How much of my time is spent surviving until something changes? Maybe too much of the time. Sometimes I am intentional in the time that I have with my children but not always. It is hard to be “on top of my game” constantly and I like to have some down time as well.

Unlike most of the women who are posting about feeling teary at the thought of their children going back to school, I am looking forward to it. I love my children but their hidden disabilities make it hard to accomplish much when they are all home. I am so glad on the first day of school that I can have some clear headed moments and large blocks of time to tackle necessary tasks. Or even just to have my thoughts to myself and be able to string thoughts and ideas together without interruptions.

Contrast these thoughts to my thoughts in June when I was excited to have my children home for the summer. Visions of sleeping in and relaxed breakfasts with more time to cuddle filled my mind. Plans to experience activities together have been overshadowed by “I don’t want to go”, “She’s bugging me”, “She’s hitting me”, “She’s got my _____”, “He’s pulling my hair”, “We never get to do what I want to do”, “I’m tired”, “STOP IT”. Then there is my personal favorite “It’s not fair” followed by my response “Life’s not fair. Get over it. The sooner you realize that the happier you will be.”  And not to forget “Please get out of my head and let me think my own thoughts.”  I remember why I look forward to September. It is all of the above that inspires the celebration of the first day of school.

Please don’t judge me.  I feel bad enough about having these thoughts and emotions.   I just wanted to be brutally honest about the state of my life on a rough day.

~ Twyla

Filed Under: Confession, Expectations, Family, Parenting, school, summer

A New Normal?

July 9, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Before I had children I envisioned children from that vantage point. Then I had children and reality set in. Soon after I realized that they may not be neuro typical children (that realization dawned at about 6 weeks of age with my first born son). I know that seems early but he was a fast learner (especially in the ODD department) and he was so hard to settle and so easily over stimulated. This became our “new normal”. Four more children and 23 years later and the oldest two are bringing new prospective family members into the fold. Will they be neuro typical or part of another “new normal”?

In the same way that I had ideas about my children before they were born I think I have ideas about future daughter- and son-in-laws. Is it wrong to expect and desire normal? Was it wrong to expect and desire normal in my offspring? I don’t think so but I know God always knows better than I do what is in my best interest. May I be brave enough to embrace another “new normal”? I could have said will I be brave enough but I think it is a choice I have to make and should make ahead of time.

Lord you have shown me you know best and I love the spiritual growth you have brought to our family. Help me always to submit to your will and know you are steering this ship and release the wheel to you. You control the storms and the winds obey you. May I always be obedient as well. I ask you to bless my children’s future mates whoever they may be.

~ Twyla

Filed Under: Expectations, Parenting

What He Does

June 21, 2012 By

Noah’s going to the 2012 London Olympics.  Not as a spectator.  Oh, no.  He tells us that he’s going as a competitor in swimming.  Which should be interesting, considering he’s only recently mastered swimming in the deep end of the pool.  And why shouldn’t he be competing?  We’ve told him that there’s nothing he can’t achieve if he sets his mind to it.  But setting his mind and simultaneously applying his body does not seem to be a concept he’s mastered.  Noah is extremely perseverant. But this dedication manifests only when Noah is already into something – when he’s so far invested that to turn back would invite ridicule, or equate to failure.

Trying to ply my children with engaging activities while buying myself a few hours of solace, I’ve laid out careful camp plans this summer.  This week was art camp.  Run by a talented local artist with a lovely studio, there were children ages 5 to 8 in the class.  He got to go with his sister.  It was only a few hours, and the class was small.  It seemed perfect.   Seemed.

After the first day, Noah announced that he hated art camp because it was too difficult, and it required work. It was something he hadn’t mastered, and couldn’t pretend that he had.  He didn’t want to go back and try again when the shading or shape wasn’t quite right.  He was ready to quit after one day.  Well, we’re not quitters.

Plus, I’ve already paid for the whole week.

What Noah does is jump to the most extreme conclusion, the highest pinnacle of achievement related to the belief that he can – as we’ve told him – achieve anything he sets his mind to.  This means winning Olympic gold, writing a New York Times bestseller, or painting the next “Starry Night.”  Instantly. He will tell you he can do it all. And if he tries it without instant success, he automatically “hates it.”  Noah expects to be prodigious at everything he attempts, not understanding that even Mozart spent a few hours in practice on the harpsichord.

He hasn’t figured out that setting your mind to something also means setting your body in motion to achieve it.

I think Noah has the hard part down.  I’m excellent at brute achievement , the doing of things, the slaving away.  But the belief that I might be able to achieve something?  I’m often surprised when I meet a goal.  For me, the mental part is the biggest challenge.  I am sometimes hindered from achieving what I want because I get hung up in the “am I good enough?” minutiae and it frequently slows my stride.

We told Noah that art was a challenge, but a beautiful exercise in dedication.  We told him it would take practice, and that it would get better with every minute spent in his sketchbook.  We were right.  Not prone to emotions of extremes or anything (ahem), he told me today he LOVED art camp. Why?  Because the drawing of an egg that he’d been working to shade for 3 days finally, with hard work, came out just the way he’d already planned.

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, balance, Challenge, Emotions, Expectations, summer, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Waiting on Him

May 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I have copied a section of one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, 2 Chronicles 20, below.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do and at this time in my life have some major decisions to make which I hate to do. The passage below is one I read before the Lord.  I pray it encourages you.   God is faithful.

After this the Moabites and Ammonites, and with them some of the Meunites, came against Jehoshaphat for battle. Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, “A great multitude is coming against you from Edom, from beyond the sea; and, behold, they are in Hazazon-tamar” (that is, Engedi). Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the LORD, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah. And Judah assembled to seek help from the LORD; from all the cities of Judah they came to seek the LORD. And Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD, before the new court, and said, “O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you. Did you not, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel, and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend? And they have lived in it and have built for you in it a sanctuary for your name, saying, ‘If disaster comes upon us, the sword, judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before you—for your name is in this house—and cry out to you in our affliction, and you will hear and save.’ And now behold, the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom you would not let Israel invade when they came from the land of Egypt, and whom they avoided and did not destroy—behold, they reward us by coming to drive us out of your possession, which you have given us to inherit. O our God, will you not execute judgment on them? For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Meanwhile all Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. And the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, in the midst of the assembly. And he said, “Listen, all Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: Thus says the LORD to you, ‘Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s. Tomorrow go down against them. Behold, they will come up by the ascent of Ziz. You will find them at the end of the valley, east of the wilderness of Jeruel. You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.”  Then Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground, and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the LORD, worshiping the LORD. And the Levites, of the Kohathites and the Korahites, stood up to praise the LORD, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice.    2 Chronicles 20: 1-19

LORD, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on You!

Waiting on Him,

Gabrielle

Filed Under: Encouragement, Expectations, Prayer, schizoaffective disorder Tagged With: ,

Easter Surprise (A Lesson in Community)

April 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s a theme going in my life right now:

We  are created to live in community.

No brainer, right?

Not exactly. I have to be honest: staying in community is tough.

I used to depend on my church’s weekly women’s Bible study for my community. We stopped attending because Cami struggled so much being in a room with lots of other kids of differing ages (which meant lots of sensory input to process), it took the rest of our week for both of us to recover.

Finding community is tough not only because of Cami’s hidden disabilities. I have my own baggage and brokenness. What I’m finding lately is that both Cami and I struggle to find community and stay in community.

Because not many folks “get” us.

Our lives don’t look like any other families’ that I know of. Take our church attendance, for example. Cami struggles with crowds, so for awhile, my husband and I took turns going to church so Cami wouldn’t have to. Our local church has three services, so that solution worked for several months: Michael attended the first service and came home in time for me to attend the third service.

Then out of the blue, one Sunday Cami decided she wanted to go to church. So we took her to the service we thought would have the least amount of kids. She did okay by taking her sketch journal and drawing through the entire children’s service. She didn’t remember the Bible story or any of the activities because she didn’t participate.

But at least we were at church every week, right? At least she was in a room with kids her own age and not melting down afterwards, right?

On Easter Sunday, her Sunday school class held a VBS-type festival, so Cami chose to attend “big church” with me. I was nervous: past experiences with Cami and large crowds have seldom worked well. We chose to attend the special afternoon service because we thought it would have the least amount of people. I encouraged her to take her sketch journal, and we sat near the back on the end in case we needed to leave quickly.

Cami in big church was not what I was expecting. We were two of 624 people standing, singing, and sitting together. She didn’t sing any of the songs, even though some of them were her favorite worship songs. She drew pictures of stars and cats while our pastor preached about heaven, what it will be made of and how big it will be. I didn’t see her look up at all until it was time to leave.

Cami then spent the afternoon playing outside with all her friends, her “community.” My husband said I was trying to “manage her” that day. I think I was waiting for the meltdown.

But Cami didn’t melt down. She spent the afternoon sharing with the neighborhood kids how the City in Heaven will look like transparent green jasper; how the gates in the City wall will always stay open; how Heaven’s City will be a perfect cube with each side measuring 1,500 miles; and how there won’t be any need for the sun, moon, or stars because Jesus will light up everything all the time.

Shut my mouth.

Thank You, Jesus, that Your Word always accomplishes what it is sent out to perform. Thank You that You guide my daughter’s heart, that You choose her community, that You love her well. Lord, please, help me to trust You with my precious girl, with her hidden disability quirks that potentially isolate her. Help me to let You build her community.

And Lord? Help me to trust You to build my community, to give me exactly who I need to be my friend–even if she doesn’t look like what I expect.

Laying down my expectations for what “church” and “community” is “supposed” to look like,

Cassandra

Filed Under: Encouragement, Expectations, God's presence, growth, Prayer Tagged With: , , ,
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