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When disappointment comes

March 4, 2013 By 2 Comments

I have spent the past five months raising funds for my son’s service dog. He was matched in November with a dog named Kingsley. We met Kingsley in December and counted down the weeks until he completed his training and could come to live with us.

Two weeks ago, Kingsley came home. Jonathan was supremely happy. His siblings were equally thrilled. But then the unexpected happened. My youngest, who is two, began to exhibit signs of profound allergies to Kingsley. After a few days of watching him worsen, I had to make the choice to return Kingsley.

It broke Jonathan’s heart. It broke mine to put him through this. I was angry at God, whom we all know could have overridden whatever genetic makeup is responsible for the allergies my son has in the first place. Or He could have gifted me with the knowledge of my son’s allergies before allowing me to bring a dog into our home. But He didn’t.

Thankfully, our story may have a happy ending after all. The organization who trained Kingsley has located a standard poodle to begin training for Jonathan. Poodles are hypoallergenic. But we are once again months away from having a service dog for Jonathan.

There is this part of me that feels my child with special needs should be exempt from the disappointments we all face in life. Doesn’t he deal with enough already? Isn’t it unfair that his brain has been altered due to prenatal exposure to alcohol? How is the goodness of God to triumph over bumps in the road that feel as large as Mt. Everest?

I do not have answers to the questions in my heart. But, as I am honest with God, my questions turn to prayer. Deeper dialogue between us flows. And He reminds me that it is my heart He is pursuing and that my son’s special needs are one instrument He uses to chip away the rough edges. Faith does not make up easy answers, but it makes moving forward possible.

Father, give us all grace to trust you with our disappointment.

~ Rebekah

Filed Under: Disappointment, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, grace, Parenting, Trust, Uncategorized

Small Things

December 14, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Children who develop typically often slide effortlessly from one developmental milestone to the next. Those of us who parent a child with special needs are aware of the extra time and commitment it takes to help our children grow and develop. Our labors on their behalf make the tiniest glimpse of progress even sweeter. Jonathan’s baby steps of progress are a cause for celebration at our house. I am slowly learning that victory will be realized not only in the final moment of success, but in countless miniscule accomplishments along the way.

Jonathan can finally write his name! We have labored on this for more than a year. Handwriting has challenged his fine motor skills and learning differences as well as his ability to focus. But he has persevered and so have we and now we are celebrating! These days, I find his name written everywhere. In chalk on our driveway. In marker on our deck. On every page he colors. I love it.

It would be easy for me to focus on the fact that his peers have been writing their names for quite some time now. I could become discouraged. I could minimize this accomplishment as a little thing. In this context, the following verse convicts me.

“Who despises the day of small things?” Zechariah 4:10.

I ponder this question and realize the Bible is replete with examples of God delighting to take something with the appearance of smallness and do something enormous with it.

Like choosing one man with a speech impediment to speak on behalf of a nation of men.

Like using a young boy with one small stone to slay a giant.

Like stretching a small lunch of bread and fish for one to satisfy the hunger of thousands.

We serve a God of infinitely immense proportions. When we hand Him something insignificant, He often transforms it into something extraordinary. When He is in something, there is no such thing as nondescript. The baby steps of faith we take today do not go unnoticed by our Father. He is the One Who gives us grace to persevere in the tedious. He is with us in the midst of special needs. We can move forward with confidence in the knowledge that small things are of great use to Him. Nothing is ever wasted in God’s economy.

Embracing the small things,

~Rebekah

Filed Under: Challenge, Encouragement, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Gratitude, growth, Hope, Journey, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Gift

October 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I am often guilty of seeing my child only as a child with a hidden disability. My focus is on the diagnosis and resulting behavior. I easily forget that my child is a whole person, and so much more than his diagnosis.

A friend recently reminded me to think back to why we chose the name Jonathan for him. While we named him after my husband, we also found the meaning behind the name very symbolic. His name means God’s gracious gift. It seemed very appropriate, given our infertility and our journey to adoption.

His life is a constant reminder that life is sacred. His birth mother was counseled to abort him and she planned on it, but never accumulated the necessary money. God created him, knit every cell in his body together and has a plan for His life, not in spite of his disability, but because of it.

His name reminds me that he is a gift, and that God only gives perfect gifts to His children. While I often feel overwhelmed by his behavior and his needs, these are the very things that push me into a position of total dependence on Christ. The more I learn of His grace and sufficiency, the more I can enjoy Jonathan for who he is.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights…  James 1:17

Filed Under: Encouragement, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, grace, Gratitude, Hope, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Free to parent imperfectly

October 9, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Tomorrow Jonathan will begin a new school. He has been attending an inclusion class at a local preschool and it is just not working. The first few weeks seemed effortless. But then the long hours required so much mental energy in order to make it through the day. When he came home in the afternoon, his ability to cope was absolutely diminished. He would sink to the floor and melt down over any little thing that didn’t go his way. This took a toll on him, and on our whole family.

I feel at peace about our decision, but wish we had gotten it right the first time. I hate that he has endured several weeks of being so stressed while we researched and located an alternative school.

I have always struggled with the attempt of perfection. My special needs children heighten that feeling because I so yearn to make things as easy as possible for them. Yet I know that character is built from suffering and out of struggle is born the strength to overcome. So I pray for the ability to cultivate discernment for each child and each need they present.

And I marvel that God, in whose rich grace I stand, called me to parent my children. I am learning to quiet my heart when it quivers with anxiety over how inadequate I feel for this job. The truth is that everything He does is perfect so I don’t have to be.

He continues to show me that His abundant wisdom covers whatever dilemma or decision we are facing. That is more than enough to keep moving our family forward on this road paved with special needs.

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’” Isaiah 41:13

Filed Under: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, grace, Journey, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,