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When I Am Old

March 27, 2013 By Leave a Comment

When I am old, I will miss the night-time creeping that precedes a whispered request to sleep with me. I will miss peeking at the door through a half-closed eye to watch how carefully one of my children turns the knob, how gently the door is closed. This quietness will always mystify me, for when the sun is in the heavens, my children are only able to slam doors.

When I’m old, I will miss the elbows and knees and pointy joints softened by a covering of baby fat that dig their way into my ribs. I will miss the comfort of their presence beside me when daddy is away – which is often. I will miss how it brings me peace in a home that is still unfamiliar. I will miss having to pause for my evening’s final task – turning on the hall light – so that the path to my room isn’t dark or frightening.

When I am old, I will miss the screaming that takes place between two children above my head at three o’clock in the morning, because each wants me to themselves.

Who am I kidding? I won’t miss that at all.

When I am old I will be the one begging for “a hug and a kiss,” and not Jesse. I will be the one asking if she would lay down beside me, not Grace. I will be the one still seeking out a reticent Noah, wrapping my arms around him in the gorilla embrace that is one of the few he tolerates. And in that way, my world will remain a bit the same.

When I am old, I will miss the baby breath humming through lips parted in sleep. I will miss the fuzz of a Disney blanket carried to bed against my face. I will miss kissing the tops of their heads as they settle in, grinning like monkeys because they’ve had their way.

But for tonight, I’d just really like to get some sleep.

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, Attachment, Blessing, Contentment, Family, General, Journey, Parenting, Uncategorized, warmth

How Hard It’s Not

February 28, 2013 By 1 Comment

Today I sat down to write this entry, intending to enlighten, amuse and exhort the ChosenFamilies.org readers. In regaling you with stories about Noah, I reveal to you a window through which you might view the reality of life with a hidden disability. That life is often awkward. It’s challenging, and can be complicated, but it’s funny. There are many happy endings as we learn from Noah and his Creator. Our burden is comparably light. Even as Jesse’s own diagnoses have emerged to intensify our circumstances, I can’t plead impossibility of burden. I particularly cannot plead it today, when I opened my laptop this morning, and found this:

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/02/27/17112877-cops-two-boys-grandmother-found-dead-after-she-takes-them-from-day-care?lite

Another lurid headline pulled me in. Then I scrolled to the bottom, and there it was:

“Jeremy and Brenda Perry, parents of the two young boys, told NBC Connecticut that Denison had a gun and she had a mental illness.”

A mental illness. A reference to a “wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect mood, thinking and behavior,” according to Mayoclinic.com. A pattern of being that painted the whole canvas of Debra Denison’s life, and from which there was no escape. My mind went to a dark place as I imagined how she could possibly have thought that killing her grandsons and then herself was the right choice – if that was, indeed what happened. My heart aches for the Perry family, as I wonder what the prologue to this story would have revealed: why Debra was permitted to pick the boys up from daycare? Whether she was medicated for her illness? Whether she was being monitored by a psychiatrist or other mental health professional? Why she had access to a gun?

I wonder most of all why the healthcare system in America is failing those with disabilities. “But your family is doing fine!” you say. Why hasn’t the system failed Noah, or Jesse or me? Because we’ve probably spent $50,000 on medication, therapies and doctors (this is a conservative estimate). Because we’ve worked tirelessly at early diagnoses to alter history’s course at the earliest possible junction. Because we are our own best advocates and we never rest at getting “better.” We are our own champions. God has blessed us in giving us to each other. Yet there are those that must manage mental illness on their own. This is nothing short of impossible, as the way of thinking needed to get better is the very thinking absent from the start.

There is no “funny” in this post. Which is too bad, because Matt never ceases to be amused at the way I laugh when I’m writing (no one thinks I’m funnier than I am, unfortunately). I wish I could be more light-hearted today, but I am hearing the voices of those who are un-medicated, undetected, untreated, unhappy.

“He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:10-11.

I am lifting them up today, and I am lifting up those who care for them. I am praying for them, and asking the Lord to let us better see and help them whose lives are harder than ours.

- Sarah

Filed Under: Anxiety, Asperger, Challenge, Change, Church Response, community, Family, General, growth, Uncategorized

A Re-Birth Day

February 17, 2013 By Leave a Comment

On February 17, 1970, I asked Jesus to come live in my heart.

I was four years old at the time. Some people may say that I was too young to truly understand what I was doing. The thing is: I remember it clearly, as if I prayed that prayer yesterday. I know it was real.

I’m no spiritual giant, nor am I more special than anyone else. We’re all fearfully and wonderfully made by God for good things, heavenly things here on earth.

What did I have that made the transition from death to new life such a natural progression in my preschool years?

I had Mrs. Jessie Thompson and Mrs. Georgia Bishop, my Sunday school teachers. They loved me right into Jesus’ arms. And I am so grateful.

Mrs. Jessie and Mama Bishop made ripples in the water around them. They loved many, many children in their decades as nursery workers. Every hug they gave me counted toward my eternity. Every time they called my name, held my hand, wiped my nose, sat me in time out—it all mattered in my life. Their hugs and their time were Jesus’ hugs and time for me.

It all matters:
~every diaper we change,
~every bedtime story we read,
~every meeting we attend with teachers, therapists, doctors, pastors,
~absolutely every single time we advocate for someone who doesn’t have a say for themselves,
it matters.

Every bit of love we give, every blessing we send out into the water around us starts a ripple that matters somewhere, in someone’s life.

Lord Jesus, thank You for Your love, and the other people in our lives who show us the Way. Thank You for love ripples we both send and receive. Please help us love each other unhindered as You perform heavenly wonders through us.

Candi

Filed Under: General Tagged With:

Glimmers of Hope

November 10, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:31a

Life has been a little crazy for the past few weeks in our home. Between the challenges of moving, sickness and Hurricane Sandy we have had no shortage of excitement. While we personally only lost power for 27 hours, we still have friends and family without power and live only 20 minutes away from towns that were completely devastated by flooding.

My husband was able to volunteer with a large group from our church to reach out to some of these people. (Groups have gone daily since the Friday following the storm to lend a hand.) Their stories are heartbreaking and their despair palpable. Experiencing them first hand has recalibrated my priorities and minimized the inconveniences of life post Sandy: long gas lines, 8 days off from school, road closures.

So many churches are working TOGETHER in the hardest hit neighborhoods and people are overwhelmed that strangers would help them through their most difficult time and with such messy work. They have accepted prayer, asked for Bibles and inquired about the times of church services.

People we did not know existed before the hurricane have become our friends. We celebrate the progress being made as we follow up with them and distribute donated supplies. They are smiling and laughing again as they continue to grieve and rebuild. There are small glimmers of hope in their eyes. (As a depression survivor, I know the value of hope in any situation.)

God is moving and being glorified as His people seek to love their neighbors in very practical ways all over the northeast. As usual, our God is redeeming what was meant to destroy and drawing people to Himself – the True Hope.

Please continue praying for those affected by Sandy and find a way to serve your neighbors wherever you live.

Praying with expectation,

~Lynn

 

 

Filed Under: Depression, General, Grief, tragedy Tagged With: ,

A Timely Tweet

September 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3

God continues to surprise me how He speaks and reveals Himself ever so personally and often at just the right time.

I was recently processing a disappointment that I thought I had adequately dealt with and moved on.  However, I soon realized there was more work to do and I needed the Lord’s help with it – AGAIN!  So this morning, I searched my heart and confessed all I was feeling regarding this issue. I confessed my pain and brought Him my questions.

Then I returned to Psalms, where I had been reading, with no real answers or resolution. There were a couple of verses that jumped out to me and applied to other concerns in my life. I prayed through them and gave thanks for the insights I gained and the blessing of His Presence.

I woke up the rest of the family and went through our normal morning routine.  My son and I returned home after dropping my daughter off at school and I sat down at the computer to quickly check email and Twitter.

There it was.

My answer came through a tweet by pastor Rick Warren that the Holy Spirit powerfully impressed was for me in more ways than one.  It read: “Trust God’s timing. ‘Not yet’ isn’t ‘No.’ A delay isn’t a denial. Wait patiently.”

The Holy Spirit comforted me in a deep way through this truth and reminded me I really can trust His timing. I was filled with joy and peace about the situation and how the God of the universe would speak to me, even through Twitter. :)

I have learned that often times the Lord speaks to us not only for our benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. I am to receive His personal word for me and look for opportunities to share it so He can bless someone else. It’s just how the Kingdom of God works.

So friends, you really can trust God’s timing with whatever you are facing.  Although waiting is hard, it has the potential to move from ‘hardly bearable’ to ‘transformational’ when we focus on the Lord and allow Him to work in us.

Trying to wait patiently,

~Lynn

 

 

Filed Under: Challenge, Depression, Encouragement, General, God's presence, Prayer, Trust Tagged With: , , , ,

Beachcombing

August 25, 2012 By 2 Comments

We started our summer months with a trip to Fort Walton Beach, Florida, my hometown and where my folks still live. We didn’t go for vacation, really, but we did visit the beach while we were there. I waded in the surf, scooping up handfuls of sand and praying, “Please, Lord, just one sand dollar. Like last time.”

“Last time” was a day in my childhood when I found ten sand dollars in one day, each quarter-sized and completely whole. Whole intact sand dollars are an uncommon treat in the Gulf waters.

I found a sand dollar on this recent day, too—tiny, but perfectly whole. It’s in my treasure box now, with other items which remind me of special moments with Jesus. He answered my prayer.

Three weeks from now, we’ll head to Florida again, just a few hours east of Fort Walton Beach, where we’ll spend a week with Michael’s family all together in one beach house. Because I grew up on the Gulf of Mexico, the beach was usually a backdrop for my life, not a destination in and of itself. I’ve never spent a week at the beach to just be there.

All this beaching calls for some poetry.

beachcombing

I.
a shell
is a skeleton really

the old discarded body
of a creature who has either
died or moved out

the hard ridges on the outside
contrast the luminous
pearl lining
the rough exterior hides
a soft spot

some crunch, some clink
some mimic the sea’s sound
“Mommy, I heard the sea today. . .”
an auditory illusion
that gives certain comfort

preservative and decay
in the same whiff
some like salt
some like fish

I wonder what a shell tastes like:
“Our specialty of the day is
shell soup.”
the sea or the sea food?
the salt or the decay?

“With or without crackers?”

II.
the sun creeps
steadily toward its sleeping place
sandpipers race
in and out of the shore’s embrace
their fragile feet
keeping pace with the surf’s cadence

snow-bright grains
disguise the sand dollars
I venture out
among the kelp and driftwood
scooping up handfuls
of debris from the changing gulf
searching for the circlets
ankle-deep in the gritty water

shells crunch beneath my toes
I walk slowly
looking for only the pretty ones
like brittle white bones
the sand dollar pieces lay shattered
scattering with the tide

twilight washes the beach
with a restless quiet
in the shadows I squint to see
the pieces of treasure in my salt-sweaty hands
broken or whole?

there will be better light at dawn

Hoping your end-of-summer is filled with Jesus treasures,

Cassandra

Filed Under: General, summer Tagged With: ,

Growing Pains

April 2, 2012 By Leave a Comment

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)

Growing up is hard.

The other day my five-year-old daughter was experiencing some of the challenges of growing up.  In the chaos of getting ready for school one morning, she had an emotional meltdown that broke my heart.

I don’t remember exactly what I asked her to do, but it was something well within her ability to do by herself.  However, after watching me help her two-year-old brother with almost everything, she broke down and blurted what she was feeling inside.

“You don’t love me as much as you love Ben,” she cried as she stood by the sink and wept.

I immediately embraced her to comfort her and calm her down, which is not always easy with her sensory processing disorder, and we were able to finish getting ready as we discussed the situation.

Realizing that she thought I loved and cared about Ben more than her because I helped him more, I knew we needed a heart to heart no matter how late for school it made us.  So I invited her to come sit on my lap so we could cuddle.

Holding her tight, I looked into her eyes and affirmed my deep love and care for her.  I explained that one of my jobs as a mother is to help her do more and more things by herself so that one day she will be ready to be an adult and, Lording willing, to have a family of her own. Her face lit up, because she always talks about being a mommy someday.  Then we talked about some of the ways that I show her that I love her so that she won’t believe that lie again.  We prayed together and got up to put on our coats.

As I reflected on our tender moment walking out the door, I sensed that still small voice again. “That’s exactly what I do for you, precious child.” My heart was filled with love and joy over that truth.

Ever since, I visualize my quiet times like that heart to heart with my daughter: a time of peace and love, safe in my Heavenly Father’s arms.

Growing spiritually can be hard too, but if my daughter’s genuine angst moved my heart, how much more do we move the heart of God as we struggle to live in this fallen world?

In the assurance of His unfailing love,

~Lynn

 

Filed Under: Communication, Emotions, Encouragement, Family, General, God's presence, growth, Parenting, Sensory Processing Disorder, siblings Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

An Unusual Valentine

February 19, 2012 By 1 Comment

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)

When I began writing for Chosen Families, I intended to focus on my three bouts of major depression and all I have learned as a result of those dark periods.   However, after telling my basic story in the early posts, it has been a challenge to continue discussing depression, not a current struggle, while the obstacles of my daughter’s sensory processing disorder are in the limelight.

Recently, despite our sensory related struggles, I felt the Lord nudging me to revisit the topic of depression, but I was stumped as to how.  Then the Lord revealed what He was doing and inviting our participation.

God works in amazing ways, and the longer I live, the more amazed and awed I become as I discover in real and practical ways the deep love He has for people: whether still lost or found and struggling.

This past summer someone new moved into the small cottage next to our home, with which we share a driveway.  The landlord introduced us to Dave, who seemed like a nice guy and actually shared that his wife “no longer loved him” and filed for divorce, hence why he was our new neighbor.

We felt sorry for him, because he was obviously heartbroken. In the months since, we always exchange pleasantries in passing and my husband occasionally chats with him while doing yard work.

We recently learned from his caring landlord that he is suffering from depression and is currently on disability from work.  We had noticed his car home during the day right before Christmas, but figured he was trying to use up vacation days before the end of the year. The landlord, a Christian, learned that Dave didn’t have any kind of faith or religious background to help him through this difficult time.

God moved my heart a couple of weeks later in a big way.  I actually wept as I pulled in our driveway and looked at the little cottage with the grieving man in it. I believe the Lord let me feel some of His heart for Dave and I was motivated to act.  Then the idea came to me to send him a small note, from my husband and me, declaring God’s love for him on Valentine’s Day, a day when he might feel extra alone and forgotten.

Despite our apprehension, we wrote the brief note and included a small gift card to a local coffee shop.  We prayed that the Lord would soften Dave’s heart to hear and receive His great love.  Dave is not forgotten and is dearly loved by His Heavenly Father, whom we pray he will come to know in the days, weeks and months ahead.

We just received a thank you note from Dave for the pleasant surprise of our lovely card and how much he appreciated the message.  God is working and my husband plans to look for other ways to reach out to our neighbor.

Friend, you too are not forgotten and dearly loved, no matter what hopeless situation you may find yourself today.  The Lord is in your midst, longing to quiet you with His love and not just sing, but sing LOUDLY, of His great love for you, me and everyone.

In His love,

~Lynn

 

Filed Under: Courage, Depression, Encouragement, Friends, General, Isolation, Marriage, Prayer, Relationships, Sensory Processing Disorder Tagged With: , , ,

Please Stand With Me

January 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 2 Thessalonians 2:6-17

Perhaps, like me, you are still recovering from the Christmas celebration or barely hanging on this week while the kids are away from their normal routine.  Our celebrations and break have not been challenge free, but we did celebrate and we are getting through the week.

Just before Christmas, in the thick of all the preparations and stress, the children’s ministry director at our church posted the following message that brought me some much needed encouragement.  Please read the following out loud and multiple times if necessary. ;)

IMPORTANT PARENT INFO please read: “You are a good mom (/dad) my friends even if, like me, you’ve had a few bad moments … you are the exact mom (/dad) God knew your children needed. Let’s live in that truth today.”  (parenthesis my addition)

I am far from perfect, but I am the exact mom my children need, weaknesses and all.  I don’t have all the answers, but I do my best to stay connected and in the Presence of the One who does.  When I make mistakes, and I make lots of them, I ask for forgiveness and press on.  My kids don’t need a perfect mom and I don’t need perfect kids – what a great fit!  We seek to love and support each other the best we can and trust the Lord to cover the difference as only He can. (1 Peter 4:8)

I have been really blessed by the truth of this statement and I just had to share it with you, my sweet Chosen Families friends.

Please let God affirm you as the parent, spouse, sibling, etc. that your sweet one, wired differently, needs.  Please ask Him to seal this truth in your heart so when doubts come, you can stand on the Truth of God’s sovereignty and love for you and your family.

Standing on the Truth,

~Lynn

 

Filed Under: Christmas, Confession, Encouragement, Family, Forgiveness, General, God's presence, grace, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Power of Blessing

November 6, 2011 By 3 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, after reflecting on a few difficult days, I was saddened by all of the negativity in our home.   Unfortunately, despite the improvements my daughter (with sensory processing disorder) has made, we still have really bad days – even really, really bad days!

I confess I often lose my patience quicker than I should and yell far more than I want to admit.  Despite my best attempts to rephrase and put corrections of my daughter’s behavior in the positive, she still hears a lot of “no,” “please don’t do that” or “please stop [insert any myriad of undesirable or harmful behaviors].” This is not the kind of environment I want for our family.

So I prayerfully decided to start speaking scriptural blessings to my family.

I memorized Numbers 6, referred to as Aaron’s benediction, commonly used by clergy today where benedictions are still given.

Two weeks ago, I told my daughter I wanted to bless her by reciting some verses from the Bible to her.  I asked her to simply look me in the eyes as I spoke the Word of God to her.  I didn’t know what to expect, but she calmed down(!) and smiled as I spoke.  Then beaming she asked me to do it again!  So I did!  My 21-month-old son asked me to do it to him and had the same positive reaction.

We talked about how I am asking God’s blessing on them, for God’s grace and peace in their lives.  As much as a 4 ½ year old understands this, she continues to request “the blessing” pretty regularly at various times throughout the day.  She especially enjoys when I bless her before we drive to school.

This is one small way that I am trying to change the environment in our home for our family and all who visit with us (when appropriate).  I should also share that my daughter has almost completely memorized Numbers 6:24-26 and has started speaking it over me now. :)

So now I say to you, dear one, reading this blog:

The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, 
And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’ Numbers 6:24-26 (NASB)

Receive this blessing and with boldness go bless someone you love!

~Lynn

 

Filed Under: Encouragement, Family, General, growth, Home, Hope, Parenting, Sensory Processing Disorder Tagged With: ,
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