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Again and Again

March 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

I am a repentant rescuer. I am working on NOT rescuing right at the moment, so it is on my mind….

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

I have rescued way too many times … especially in my family relationships, all because I HATED (uh, correction: HATE) all trauma and drama that comes when someone loses their temper. I hate the feeling like everything is spiraling out of control, and destruction is happening. So I used to do anything in my power to pacify it, make it go away … which usually meant being a human shield between “the man/woman of great anger” and the “penalty”. Not a place of bliss, I can tell you.

True, some ONE may be spiraling out of control. But it doesn’t have to be me and it certainly is not God. He is always in control, and more than happy to share His self-control with me, when I have to face down someone’s temper. He helps me control myself, and not jump in to rescue.

(To be clear: I am NOT talking about situations involving abuse.)

True, destruction IS happening when someone loses their temper. But it is not my mess to clean up. It’s theirs, whether it’s a relationship or a wrecked car. Cleaning up connects the dots for them.

Obviously, I did not realize I was interrupting God design of sowing and reaping … and I did not realize He was not being harsh when He set up that cycle. It allows the beautiful exercise of free will. So many times God begged Israel, “please choose LIFE!” (as opposed to death) but never once did He remove their power of choice. Nor did He remove the consequences:

See, I have set before you today LIFE and prosperity, and DEATH and adversity; in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways … that you may live, and that the Lord your God may bless you … SO CHOOSE LIFE in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your LIFE …. Deut 20:15, 16, 19, 20

I bring it up because mood issues can magnify, or inflame the character issue of temper. We spend a lot of time in counseling, sorting out the often blurry line between character and chemical issues. All of us are wonderfully complex, so if there’s ever a place to use the catch phrase, “It’s complicated” Baby, it is HERE.

But it IS worth the time to sort it all out, because if it’s a character issue, and I “rescue” the person, I am doing them a huge disservice … and it won’t bless me either.

Finally, what can I say? A jillion books have been written on this, so I will not bore you with more words, except to say, God sums it up in 22 words:

A man of great anger shall bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

True.

True.

True.

True.

Truly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: anger, Bipolar Disorder, Marriage, self control, Uncategorized

Married, but…

February 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I’ve been to 3 significant weddings in the last 6 weeks. THE Word of God tells me God designed marriage to be a beautiful 3 dimensional picture of how He loves us – He covenants Himself to us, never betrays us, understands us, longs to be WITH us, discloses Himself to us, close-as-possible-to-us/no-daylight-between-us intimacy, companionship (never alone, lonely), fellowship … security … safety … delight … playful.

I imagine how that is … but that type of marriage intimacy is not in my personal experience. Actually, none of us have ALL that. Elizabeth Elliot hit the nail on the head, saying, “We marry sinners. There is no one else to marry!” (THINK about that.)

But it is also painfully true – some have intimacy with their mate and some don’t. I am grateful for the glimpses of all these riches I see in other marriages … loving glances, gentle touches, their loyalty, their delight in each other … watching them shows me a bit of what is to come for me someday, in heaven. (Maybe sooner, we keep praying.) I have a longing for all that….

Then I think, having a painful lack in life doesn’t apply to just marriage.

Some are orphans – never knew what it was like to have parents around. Some could tell me what it’s like to be an only child – never having brothers and sisters. Some are barren, never felt a baby move inside … and for reasons I don’t understand, God gave me all those gifts. For reasons I don’t understand, I don’t have the gift of marital intimacy – in the way I imagine God designed. I am married to someone who (I discover) struggles to connect. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in his struggle to adjust to having bipolar, he will tell you he struggles to trust in the very ways that define marriage.

“You desire truth in the innermost being ….” Ps 51:6 Well, here’s the truth: I want a soul mate. Intimacy. Security. Reliability. Strength. Safety. I’m closer to the end of my life than my beginning, and I still long for those things. So does my husband.

Is God being cruel to us? Did we sin in some way so badly that we deserve to never stay connected in body and soul? Was the only way to improve our character to withhold this? (Have you ever asked these kind of questions about a particular lack?)

I know (most of the time) God isn’t being cruel. Dying on a cross was a cruel death suffered by a loving Savior.

I’ve sinned bad enough to deserve hell, so losing marital bliss is a drop in THAT bucket. Jesus paid for my complete pardon. But I still reap painful consequences to sin (that train me to NOT sin the next time). But honestly, most of the time, I can’t tell which painful thing in my life is from my past sin(s), someone else’s sin, or just living in a fallen world.

SO, in case you’re wondering, I am (currently) thinking of my unfulfilled longings as homesickness for heaven. (C.S. Lewis has a great quote on this, wish I could remember it.) I am not going to get it all down here. Period. But that doesn’t mean we are going to quit trying to improve our marriage.

There’s a mountain saying, “make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes.” Ruth Graham quoted that, and I’ve found it highly helpful.  The past years are gone. We want to make the most of what comes. SO, we are still going to counseling, to doctors, to pastors, to the Word. (not in that order….) I tell my kids some battles are worth the fight. We believe THIS battle (to grow closer) is worth the fight.

But, honestly,  heaven can’t come soon enough …. Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth … new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband …“Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men …God Himself will be among them, and HE will wipe away every tear from their eyes; …. there will no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain … behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Rev 21:1-5

Honestly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, intimacy, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

S-e-p-a-r-a-t-i-o-n

December 7, 2012 By 1 Comment

Feelings are indicators, not dictators.

Lysa Terkeurst, Unglued

I found this quote on Pinterest, a website my girls introduced to me, like they introduced dangly earrings, country music, and the color RED. It’s an online way to personalize collections of quotes, ideas, images…it’s now my 30 min of therapy each night, finding images, words, ideas, that are delightfully pleasing to my particular soul. A very Philippians 4:8 thing… “whatever is true.. right… pure… lovely… dwell on these things.”

I’ve needed this because we have a lot of FEELINGS floating around our house, and not all of them lead to true, honorable, lovely thoughts. For instance, I feel emotionally separated from my husband right now, and so (for me) it’s easy to feel separated from God. (Yes, I know it’s wrong thinking.) That spiritual distortion I can see coming a mile away. It’s just a feeling, an indicator – not the dictator of what I believe. But I am being honest with you – in my own life, as a Christian wife. In classic Screwtape Letters (C.S. Lewis) sort of temptation, if I am “failing” in my primary role (as wife) I am “failing” God (here’s your grade, honey, you get an “F” in LIFE).  Sooo (and here’s the point) how can I possibly connect to Him??

That’s my real crisis: (to modify an old song) “I can take all the madness the world has to give (and hidden disabilities has a lot of madness to give), but I won’t last a day without You, Jesus.”

What does He say to this? Well, today, God reminded me HE knows all the bonding limitations of my marriage, and they do NOT separate me from bonding to Him. God is connecting to me, through Jesus, 100% of the time. NO one and NOthing is strong enough to pull me from His embrace. Just can’t happen. I am the only one who can disrupt the connection. I can clamp my spiritual lips together so tight, no spoon can be wedged in without hurting me. Even then, He still HOLDS me and LOVES me, but I am h-u-n-g-r-y.

So…“Who shall separate me from the love of Christ?”

Just for the record, God says, “let’s go there.”

• shall tribulations? …hidden disabilities, distortions in mood and thought

• or distress? …pain to our children, conflict, confusion, lack of funds

• or persecution? …being misunderstood, blamed by family, clerical or medical community

• or famine? …starvation for support, human affection, intimacy

• or nakedness? …my exposure in the community, church, of our home’s failures (No matter how I get uncovered, You cover me with Your blood, Your robe of righteousness.)

• or peril? …the regular loss of trust, security, protection

• or sword? ...rash words – slicing, causing bleeding, pain, loss of function – depending on where they are aimed, what they cut.

Do you need it reworded? “For I am convinced that..

• neither death, …of reputation, support, my hopes for marriage and home

• nor life, …with its endless details and tasks

• nor angels, …the supernatural

• nor principalities, …all the positions of domain around me

• nor things present, …my todays, what I know

• nor things to come, …my tomorrows, everything I don’t know

• nor powers, …secular, spiritual, formal, informal authorities over me

• nor height, …when things are great

• nor depth, …when things are beyond bad

• nor any other created thing, …fill in the blank_______, _____, ____

shall be able to separate us [me, you] from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Paul, Romans 8:35, 38, 39

Praying for your connection and mine to Jesus,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, God's presence, Marriage, Uncategorized

Journeying Together

October 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Walking the daily journey with hidden disabilities can be wearying.  We all know this.  Somehow it feels better to say it out loud.

Walking the journey with your spouse is meant to ease that burden.

I don’t know about you, but rather than lightening the load, sometimes I find it adds stress.

Like any relationship, our marriage is attended by two broken people.  We each have our way of dealing with stress and responding to the challenges in our lives (related to disability or not).

We are intended to be growing in intimacy and oneness but at times are strained with distance from the wearying journey. How do we deal with this to lighten the load, brighten the darkness, encourage the weary?

Perspective: We both love and serve the same Father.  He called us to this journey together and He will equip us to walk in it.  I am so grateful for a husband who has stayed when so many others have taken the easy road of walking away.  I am reminded of the passage in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12:  9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

Perspective: Let’s be honest.  At times we are weary from the dailyness of our lives.  The tasks can seem endless, the strain difficult.  Sometimes it can feel like the waves are crashing and you are going down.  Gratitude is a gift that changes your perspective even when your circumstances remain the same.  I am grateful for a husband who works long hours to support our family and then more hours to do homework with our son with gross learning disabilities.  Rather than focusing on how I wish we had more time together, I can choose to be grateful for his faithfulness in the dailyness of our lives.  And I can speak with kindness and gratitude for that faithfulness.

Will gratitude change the stresses of our lives?  Probably not.  But it will change my perspective.

Journeying with him and you,

Shannon

P.S. Bill can also make me smile:

Filed Under: Gratitude, Journey, Marriage, Parenting

MY MY MY

August 17, 2012 By 2 Comments

When my baby was two, my 5 yr old was diagnosed with cancer. It’s fair to say I was way beyond sad and stressed. I was sad because I could not prevent or protect my 3 three little ones from the suffering that slammed into their lives that year. I was stressed because, in addition to the cancer, I had NO idea what to expect from my husband who had become unstable on the home front. He was taking Lithium, which had worked well enough to keep him out of the hospital and employed, but it no longer gave us enough coverage at home. (It would be much longer before he was willing to try new medication blends.) To top things off, we were in a relatively new city, and unlike before (in our old city), or now (2 decades later), no one really knew about his bipolar diagnosis. Not that they would’ve known what to do if they had, but let me tell you – that particular “secret” quadrupled the weight of uncertainty I felt.

Despite everything that was going on, our 2 yr old was developmentally RIGHT on schedule, which means the favorite word was “my” –  as in, “MY daddy” “MY juice” “MY do it.” Since MY mama flew in to care for MY baby while I was gone to chemo, she heard this A lot. So when she came across this verse, she sent it to me, of course, because it clearly belonged to MY baby!

I love You, O Lord,

MY strength.

The LORD is

MY Rock (“crag” – hiding place) and

MY Fortress, and

MY Deliverer,

MY God,

MY Rock, in whom I take refuge;

MY Shield and the horn of

MY Salvation,

MY Stronghold.

Psalm 18:1-2

I kept it above MY sink for years. It became one well-used, faded and wrinkled piece of truth.

I remembered all this last night because that little 2 yr old is leaving for college once again…and I want this precious young adult to cling to these truths, in order to survive this year’s uphill climb of academics and a learning disability.

I wonder what are you facing today in your life with hidden disabilities? I am at least one witness to the truth that MY God longs to be

YOUR God – when others want to rule you

your Strength – when you are tired or weak

your Rock – when important things are unstable

your Fortress – when you need strong walls protecting you

your Deliverer – when you need a refuge

your Shield – when you are attacked

your Salvation – when you need rescuing

your Stronghold – when you need defending and safety.

From MY heart,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Courage, Family, God's presence, Grief, learning disabilities, Marriage, mental illness, Uncategorized

How to tell the Good from the Bad

August 10, 2012 By 1 Comment

Life in the world of bipolar emotions confuses me, which is absolutely NO secret, and never more than when issues of authority are involved. That is how I got into an abusive dynamic in my marriage, and what makes it hard to keep healthy boundaries now.

In contrast, God is NOT confused. He hates leaders using their authority to abuse. It is the opposite of Who He Is, against everything He stands for, and required His Son’s death to conquer. Nothing in the world/dynamics of hidden disabilities changes that (if you’re speed reading, slow down and let that sink in.)

So God has been using Ezekiel 34 to clear up my mental and emotional windshield like (new) windshield wipers. (It’s an Old Testament book, I confess, which I never read in my youth, but LOVE right now.):

He tells abusive authorities exactly where they miss the boat -

“those who are sickly you have not strengthened,

the diseased you have not healed,

the broken you have not bound up,

the scattered you have not brought back,

nor have you sought for the lost;

but with force and severity you have dominated them.”

It helps me to see how mad God was at them … because He is NOT LIKE THAT. He strengthens, heals, binds up, seeks, provides, protects. If you’ve been often mistreated under an abusive authority, even if a mental or emotional diagnosis was involved, you know how easy it is to get confused and shrink from God because He has ALL authority, and that could only mean going from bad to worse.

Is this a part of your story too? Your GOOD Shepherd really understands. He understands those cloudy and gloomy days in your life with abuse that messed with your mind and heart. That’s why He made this exquisite list of GOOD things He longs to do for you with His authority –

  • lead you to rest….wouldn’t that feel wonderful?
  • seek you when you feel lost,
  • bring you back when your thoughts and emotions are scattered,
  • bind you up when you are broken,
  • strengthen you when you are sick…
  • and cause showers of blessing to come down on you.

“I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. (He initiates rescue)

As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep,

so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day…

I will feed My flock and lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD.

“I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered,

bind up the broken and strengthen the sick…

and I will cause showers to come down in their season;

they will be showers of blessing.”

Ezekiel 34: 11, 12, 15, 16, 26

From my heart, to yours, about HIS heart for us,

Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Bible, Bipolar Disorder, God's presence, Marriage, mental illness Tagged With: , , , , ,

Size of the Rock DOES matter…

August 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Are you watching Olympic swimming?? What EMOTION! – cheering crowds, straining adrenaline saturated swimmers … all layered on top of meticulous ORDER – lanes, timers, judges. And last but not least, there is the water. It is positively churning at the end of every race. How long will it take to become quiet again? I have no idea. But I know it’s more than seconds.

Just like emotions.

For instance. Let’s keep the water idea. Picture a swimmer, on a raft, on a lake. A nice lake. (it’s possible I am overdue for some water time) You can even picture an iced Coke in one hand and a good book in the other. Next thing you know, a speed boat zooms by. (because we don’t have to pay for it, let’s make it a Ski Nautique – top of the line) Now you’ve got a rafter riding waves. But they’re only coming from one direction. The book is probably wet. But hey, they wouldn’t even BE out on this raft if they didn’t know how to take a few waves. That’s just life.

Want to make it pertinent to me? Have that speed boat come BACK, and for reasons we may NEVER know, drive in multiple circles around this once-restful raft. Waves everywhere, criss-crossing, churning turbulence. I think it’s safe to say there is no more Coke or book. In fact, given the chaos, there’s confusion, maybe choking.

That’s how I feel sometimes when my bipolar mate starts going in circles, emotionally doubling back, changing directions.

This morning I asked Jesus, “can You give me a picture of where YOU are in this picture?”

I’m seeing the water, the waves, me … and the next thing that comes to mind is a rock. OK, biblical “rock” references are obvious. Never overlook the obvious.

Suppose there is a low flat ROCK in this lake, and this rafter (me) has found it (thankyou Jesus), and is standing on the rock while this boat goes round and round. Still getting wet, but otherwise securely grounded. Waves don’t rock a rock.

All good, but I got the distinct impression from Jesus the size of my rock mattered. Sooo, I go there with Him. What would my emotions feel like if my rock were TALLER? He’s got a point. The taller the rock, the smaller the waves look/feel to me. The less stress I feel.

There. Better.

And that was the picture Jesus left me with this morning. As my personal Rock of Ages, He’s as tall as I need Him to be.

“If I should say, ‘my foot has slipped,’ Your lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up.

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul…

the LORD has been my stronghold, and my God THE ROCK of MY REFUGE.”

Ps 94:18,22

Wet, dizzy, but grounded,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, Marriage, mental illness, Uncategorized

On Marriage

July 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This Wednesday, Ben and I will celebrate twenty years of marriage!  We’ve grown in our marriage in so many areas, and I am so thankful.  But there is one question that I still haven’t figured out yet:  how can I separate myself and my moods from those of my husband?

I’m sure many couples grapple with this question.  Over the years as we’ve grown together in living as “one flesh,” I’ve found that Ben’s failures feel like my failures and his successes become my successes.  Of course, the opposite is often the case as well.  Many times, Ben’s strong faith helps me when my faith is weak.  Ben is there to lift me up, remind me of God’s truth, and pray with me and for me when I am struggling.  And I know I do the same for him.

These things make a marriage.  But when one partner in a marriage repeatedly suffers due to ill health, job loss, depression or other circumstances, I think this becomes much more of an issue.  Most times, I find that I struggle to remain positive or joyful when Ben is doing poorly.  When he suffers, I suffer.  I find that I define my day by the quality of Ben’s disability.  If he is struggling, I struggle.  If he is seizure free or not having problems with his memory,  I feel the freedom to do well … although often it takes a few days of Ben doing well before I can fully breathe freely and relax.

What does being “one flesh” really mean?  I would love to remain faith-filled and not have my moods dictated by the state of my husband’s disability.  But is this even what God wants?  What does it mean to love and care for someone, to bear his burdens and walk alongside him, when he is suffering in body and/or spirit?  And how do I live a full life, with friends of my own and work and responsibilities, without feeling guilty or depressed because my husband is often home suffering alone, without the opportunities and support that I have due to my own good health?

I would love comments on this issue.  I’m specifically thinking of this from a woman’s perspective.  How do I live with my husband in a God-glorifying way when he is suffering?  How do I support him and care for him without allowing his circumstances to completely define my mood?

I thank God for the twenty years that Ben and I have been together.  Happy Anniversary, Ben.  Life is both richer and more challenging than I ever could have imagined.  But I wouldn’t want to live it with anyone other than you.

2 Corinthians 4:16: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

~ Nancy

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With:

To Be or Not to Be (in an abusive situation)

June 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Peggy asked, “what was the final straw?” I don’t remember it. There were so many. I DO remember a point of no return … where I knew I could lose my home and marriage if I pushed for change. I also learned you gotta be sure and be prepared when dislodging abuse, because you wouldn’t BE in that mess if it were easy for you to know and keep your boundaries in the first place.

That does not excuse the abuser. No way. It just acknowledges the fact that in adult to adult situations (not child abuse) if you are in an abusive relationship, there was some point back there where your boundaries got crossed in a harmful way. Someone’s sinful nature took advantage of their position or power over you, and you did not allow the negative consequences of their behavior to fall on THEM (for reasons you will figure out as you heal).

So now the rut you are in is very deep, and the side’s slippery, and it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg (figuratively) to get out. You may even feel guilty about getting help, because someone who loved you may have warned you about getting into this kind of relationship, and you did not listen. And you may feel you deserve it, because of sin in your life, or you may think it’s what Christ is asking when He said “turn the other cheek,” etc….

I felt all of those things.

To be fair, I did periodically ask for help, but was blown off…which added despair.

Then one day our church did a seminar for leadership on abuse, sponsored by the abuse center in our city. It was startling to hear frank information on abuse, patterns, and statistics showing how things only get worse – not better. That shook my denial.

In addition, our kids got older, bringing their own dynamics into play – which made too many players…I couldn’t “control” the abuse by running interference enough. The stakes got higher. I asked Jesus for a healthy way to push abuse OUT of our lives.

About that time I read the books on Boundaries (in Marriage) by Townsend and Cloud…helping me understand I could change things around myself, by myself, by learning how to have and enforce healthy boundaries, biblically.

And when I was finished living in fear, appalled at what was happening to our children, and tired of waiting for someone to “rescue” me – I asked myself these questions:

What’s the worst thing that can happen (if I put healthy boundaries into play)?
Am I willing to pay that price to be healthy and free (and my kids)?
Is God OK with this plan?

Like a trampled spring and a polluted well is a righteous man (or woman) who gives way before the wicked. Proverbs 25:26

It took a team and years.

I asked the Lord for someone I could trust. I went to several pastors, and several men counselors, who only made things worse. The counselor who finally helped was a woman in our church, who understood the dynamics of mental health issues and abuse.  Jesus enabled her to help me formulate plans at each step along the way out. I eventually disclosed the abuse to several close friends who prayed for me as I drew boundaries. Ultimately, I disclosed to several close men in my husband’s life and asked for their help.

Since then, I’ve found tremendous clarity and healing through the ministry of Mending the Soul, http://www.mendingthesoul.org/ … – they have a great book and workbook that can be done alone or in small group.

Now, years later, my husband thanks me for requiring the changes…for no longer giving way before the sinful choices.  I didn’t see THAT coming  :) .

Hope this helps someone..

— free and loving it, Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Admitting Abuse

June 22, 2012 By 2 Comments

I was raised with the moral code, “if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all.”

That’s a problem, I came to find out.  God says point blank, “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up” (Eph 4:15)… and that meant I had to learn some truth is so “not nice”, it must be said – especially when it feels like it can’t be said. In fact, to not mention it is practically lying, depending on how bad things are. Abuse definitely falls in this category.

To quote a friend of mine, “there’s no use planting daisies ‘round a dead rat.” Which is to say, there’s not enough Pretty to cover up Stink.

If you are reading this, and you’re afraid to keep reading – then this is for you, dear one.

One of the dynamics in our marriage was abuse. This is part of our testimony, because it is something Jesus is saving us from. And I do mean “is saving” because we are a work in progress. “When I am tempted to hide or disguise the circumstances of my life when grace was most evident against the background of my sin, let me instead point to my failures to say, “Look what grace did!” (Jennifer Kennedy Dean)  That’s us.

“I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable….” Paul. (Acts 20:20)

I promised God I would not shrink from declaring to you anything profitable from my own story, as we’ve faced hidden disabilities. (And that in itself is an act of God in my life, I’m here to tell you.) This principle also helped rescue our marriage. I finally did not shrink back from declaring anything that could be profitable to my mate’s health (and by association, the health of our marriage and family). Ultimately, this meant I finally told the truth about the abuse.

Yes, in our case, as most, there were many factors making abuse possible. No, I am not going to address all of them in 500 words or less. I am not that smart, and you would not be that edified. But I am going to tell you two of the reasons I allowed abuse:

I believed the hidden disability caused the abuse, so it was unavoidable, and love required I tolerate it.

Then, I hid the abuse because I felt it would dishonor my husband to disclose it, and God wouldn’t want that.  I was wrong on so many levels….

With such terrible logic, damage kept occurring to our marriage and family (obviously).  Just because chemistry, temperament, heritage (to name a few) prompted reactions, it did not make the words or actions any less harmful. A broken leg is going to hurt and require medical attention, regardless of how it got broke … there’s no getting around it. It was foolish for me (and him) to pretend otherwise. It just about split me in two.

You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (Ps 51:6)  Truth, not duplicity.

Let me be clear: I have no idea where all the lines for disability, sin, and choice intersect. God alone can and will judge that.

But I do know God loved both of us too much to support anything that damaged either of us. Period. Regardless of diagnosis. Like Him, we now love each other too much to hide the behaviors that harm. When they occur, we seek help. 

My husband and I both long for you to know this – God does not support anyone abusing you, regardless of diagnosis. True, your relationship(s) may not survive telling the truth. But if there is abuse present, it will not survive anyway. That’s a given. Might as well give your relationship its only chance – speak the truth in love and get whatever help you need to break free. Please.

My heart is full on this topic, but I will wait to hear if this raises any questions in your mind. Let me know.

Loving and being loved,

Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Marriage Tagged With: ,
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