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Praying for Sunset…

March 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

“Remember what Amalek did to you along the way when you came out from Egypt, how he met you along the way and attacked among you all the stragglers at your rear when you were faint and weary; and he did not fear God….” Deuteronomy 25:17-18

For me, there is a place, between Egypt (bondage) and The Promised Land (Heaven), and it is the Here and Now. (Don’t put too fine a point on my theology here). In the Here and Now, I often feel we should be able to do our marriage and family with LESS support than we seem to require … but what can I say?  More times than I care to admit, we’re straggling along at the rear, faint and weary, not seeing victory – even WITH others pouring into our lives and keeping us on our feet, our family relationships intact.

Lately, God is using this particular storyline in Israel’s journey to help me resist shame and discouragement for needing so much help just to “do” our particular Journey of Life…

“Then Amalek came and fought against Israel.” In fact, God’s rage at Amalek is because they chose to fight by attacking all the stragglers at Israel’s rear when Israelites were faint and weary (Deut 25) – a pretty sadistic way to fight. Exactly how Satan fights every home with hidden disabilities.

“So Moses said to Joshua, “Choose men for us and go out, fight against Amalek.” Moses put the men/warriors into the equation, like they SHOULD’VE been to begin with. I am SO thankful for the godly men in our lives who have chosen to stand in the gap, take the heat, fight for our home.

“Tomorrow I will station myself on the top of the hill with the staff of God in my hand.” Moses was top-of-the-mountain obvious: Israel fights under GOD’s flag. Not their own. It’s always been, always will be about pointing men to the LORD. Men fought, but the LORD (of hosts) empowered them.

Joshua did as Moses told him, and fought against Amalek; and Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. If Moses did not go up alone … why do I think I could or should??

So it came about when Moses held his hand up, that Israel prevailed, and when he let his hand down, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands were heavy. Don’t think for a second it was because age was getting to Moses. He didn’t die for 40 more years, and when he did, the Bible says, “Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone.” Deut. 34:7 No man, young or old could’ve done what he needed to do that day … nor can I do what I need to, without help. These days, I am (usually) not too proud to admit it.

Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; Here’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: in my life, the ONLY thing that has been strong and stable enough to bear my whole sit-down-so-I-don’t-fall-down weight is the Word of God.

… and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set. Bilateral support. All day. Been there, needed that.

SO Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.  Ex. 17:8-14

Nobody could possibly mistake anybody in our home for a national leader, like Moses was. Nevertheless WE need stones to sit down on – rock solid truths. For me, these are God’s truths – forever sturdy, stable. In addition, we have stronger souls than ours, supporting our “hands” which get HEAVY. And in this way, Jesus is keeping our hands steady until victory comes, and the sun sets on our lives (which is getting closer and closer with each birthday…).

I’m tired, but I want ALL the victory possible from the battle for our marriage, our family … but I’d be lying if I said I weren’t watching the sky, praying for sunset….

Joan

Filed Under: Bible, pastor/clergy, Uncategorized, weariness

5 Characteristics of A Disabilities-Friendly Small Church

January 15, 2013 By 2 Comments

Jude and me at our church

On Sunday, our family took a huge step. With visual schedule in tow, Jude joined us in “big church” for the first half of the worship service and then attended children’s church for the remainder of the service. Most neuro-typical children find it difficult to sit still, remain reasonably quiet, and attend to the happenings of the typical worship service, but for an energy-filled child on the autism spectrum this can be an even greater challenge.

Thankfully, we have an outstanding church family. Many large churches fulfill the calling to love chosen families affected by hidden disabilities by creating special ministries and classrooms. Such an approach can be helpful, but many small to medium sized churches without the resources for disability ministries struggle to know how to help families like our own.

God has placed us in a relatively small church. In our children’s ministry, we have three classrooms for infants to 2 year olds and one children’s church class for both preschoolers and early elementary schoolers. We don’t have a large building or tons of money. Nonetheless, our church has embraced a gift named Jude with eagerness and flexibility. Below I list five characteristics of our church that have helped us enjoy gathering with them for worship despite the challenges involved:

1. Our church is a place free of judgment.

As a parent of a child with a hidden disability, you constantly feel judged by other people when your child doesn’t act “normally” in public. However, our church is a safe-place. When we are wrestling our little wild man in the fellowship hall and simultaneously trying to have a conversation, we never feel anyone’s eyes staring. Jude’s first time in “big church” didn’t go great. He didn’t want to sit. He didn’t know how to be quiet. He wanted to run down the aisle or crawl under the pew. Even so, we didn’t feel like anyone was saying, “Why don’t they do something with that child?!” Rather, we sensed the prayers of our brothers and sisters as they stood with us through this transition.

2. Our church has been flexible in classroom assignments.

Most children in our church leave the nursery and join the worship service and children’s church at 3 years old. Jude, however, turns 4 next month. He spent an extra year in the 2 year old class. He is a big boy who could pass for a first grader. You should have seen him towering over the other children! Still, no one pushed us to make the transition prematurely.

3. Our church has made classroom changes for Jude’s dietary restrictions.

On his gluten-free diet, Jude cannot have the typical nursery snack: Cheerios. Of course, he doesn’t know he can’t have Cheerios, and he thinks they look pretty appetizing. So Jude has his own snack table in the classroom, where he can eat his own snack free from Cheerio temptation.

4. Our church has demonstrated a willingness to learn.

Fortunately, we have a couple of women at our church who were formerly involved in special education, but even those who have no background in it whatsoever desire to learn about autism and about what makes Jude special. Furthermore, when leadership trains new volunteers, they take time to specifically discuss Jude and his needs.

5. Our church prays for us.

At certain times, our church has prayed corporately for our family. I cannot tell you how long we have gone fueled by that encouragement! Beyond those times, I know that many in our congregation pray regularly for us during their times of personal and family worship. Even when we suffer privately, like when the children of our church (many younger than Jude) sang Christmas songs for the congregation while we held him in the audience, we know that there are people who are sensitive to our sorrows and pray for us, even when they don’t say anything.

Love One Another

In summary, these five characteristics do not amount to anything revolutionary. We have been commanded to “love one another with brotherly affection” (Rom 12:10 ESV). Through these and other ways our church has loved our family specifically, and we cannot thank God enough for the love of Kenwood Baptist Church.

Joshua

Filed Under: Autism, Challenge, pastor/clergy Tagged With: , ,

Crisis Averted

December 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago Stephen decided that he wanted to record our church services so that people who had to miss church could view the message at a later time. It was a noble idea. Stephen had worked with my dad to record school programs so he has an idea of what would be involved.

In order to carry out his new mission he needed a video camera. Ours was ancient and he needed something more reliable. Stephen asked if his grandmother had a video camera he could use. I suggested that he ask her when he went to visit. He did and the next thing I knew, he had the camera and was ready to roll for the following Sunday.

Saturday evening he gathered the things he would need. The camera had both an SD card slot and a place for a video tape. Stephen got the SD card from his camera and put it in the video camera. He got out the tripod, and camera case. Everything was assembled and ready to go for Sunday morning.

When we got to church I told Stephen that I wanted him to ask the pastor if it was alright for him to video tape the service. Because, I told him, it is good to get permission from someone before you record them. You would have thought I had asked him to stand in front of the congregation and ask THEIR permission! He wanted me to do it. First he hid out, avoiding the pastor. Every time I passed by him I reminded him that he needed to ask first. I even punctuated my statement by saying that he could NOT record if he did not ask first.

I should pause here to say I did not think for one moment that the pastor would have an issue with Stephen recording the service. And, I could have easily obtained that permission for Stephen. But, the main objective was to help him learn the responsibility of the situation.

Finally Stephen worked up the courage to talk to the pastor and he got the go ahead he needed. Stephen set up the tripod in an out of the way location. He got the camera ready and put it on the tripod. Then, came the crucial testing of the camera. It was then that Stephen learned that the SD card slot was only useful for still pictures, not video. And he had not brought a video tape with him. He was so disappointed.

When I saw him he was obviously upset. He told me about not realizing that the camera would not record video on the SD card. I knew how much he had been looking forward to this. Fortunately, we were able to locate a tape that would fit the camera and he recorded the service.

At the end of the day, yes, I did step in and solve his problem for him. Even though I am interested in him learning to accept when things don’t go as planned, I was glad that this time in this small circumstance, I was able to help him. As important as it is to accept when things don’t go as planned, God created us to live in community with one another to help and encourage each other as we are able.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

~Louise

 

Filed Under: Asperger, Challenge, Church Response, Parenting, pastor/clergy Tagged With: , , , ,

The ABCs of Church Responses to Families with Hidden Disabilities

November 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Here are the thoughts of our bloggers on what the Church can do to help families with hidden disabilities.  I couldn’t decide between some of them so there are more than one for some letters.  Add your thoughts also.  This will be fun to build.

Affirm the positive.

Babysit so the parents can have a break.

Call to encourage.

Dare to believe God. Defend them to others. Don’t compartmentalize the “spiritual” and “neurological.”

Empathize.

Forgive when a person with a disability causes you pain or discomfort.  Fellowship with them.

Grieve with them.

Hug them.

Invest time.  Initiate conversation.

Join them in the pew.

Keep an open mind.

Love on them.  Laugh with them.

Make a meal (check for food sensitivities.)

Never simplify the complex.

Open your eyes to see as God sees.  Offer sibling support groups.

Pray.

Quicken your heart to kindness.  Quick to listen.

Respect a journey you do not walk.  Research common hidden disabilities.

Smile.

Tolerate atypical behaviors.  Tell them they are doing a good job. Tell their child he is loved.

Understand how little you understand.

Volunteer your services (accounting, handy man, car repair.)

Withhold judgment.  Wrap an arm around a shoulder.

eXpect setbacks as well as victories.  eXamine your expectations.

Yield up your expectations of “normal.”

Zip your lip of gossip and critical speech.

Filed Under: Church Response, pastor/clergy Tagged With: ,

The Silliness of Street Cred

November 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

As a counselor, God has given me the privilege of ministering to individuals afflicted with various types of struggles. One common problem that I see often is that of addiction. In working with people struggling with addiction, I have learned that no one can capture the addict’s devotion like a former addict. Since I have no history of addiction, I sometimes encounter addicts who would prefer to see other counselors. Earlier in my counseling career, this used to offend me because I felt that I had the answers if I could only get an audience. Generally though, the problem was that I simply did not have any “street cred” with addicts. I remember thinking, “I can’t believe the selfishness in these people! How dare they say that I can’t help them just because I don’t know what it is like to be an addict!?”

Fast forward to life after Fletcher’s autism diagnosis. Now, I find myself sitting with friends listening to them talk about their struggles. For example, Suzy can’t believe that her daughter didn’t make cheerleader. Joe is worried about his son not being accepted at Harvard and Phyllis can’t bear the thought of her child being overlooked for next month’s mission trip to Myrtle Beach. Depending on my mood, I often find myself thinking, “Who are these people? They’re talking about all of these ‘horrible’ things mean while, I’m still trying to recover from my 3:00 a.m. cleaning of the remnants of one of Fletch’s dirty diapers from the walls of his room! These people just don’t get it!”

At first glance it would seem that these people do not have any street cred with me. As I examine my reaction to them more closely, I realize that I have more in common with the addict than I have with my friends. The only difference is that the addict is more open and honest about his struggle than I am about mine. Despite this difference, the addict and I do share a common heart problem: pride. Instead of singing, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow,” perhaps it would be helpful to turn to someone who could offer me a clearer perspective on my troubling affliction.

Puritan pastor Richard Sibbes surgically slices into my shortcoming when he writes:

“A humble heart is a vessel of all graces … It doth better the soul and make it holy, for the soul is never fitter for God than when it is humbled … [A] humble heart hath in it a spiritual emptiness. Humility emptieth the heart for God to fill it” (p. 51).

As I think about Suzy, Joe, and Phyllis, I must understand that their pain is real. How can I expect them to understand my sorrows until I have loved them enough to understand theirs? I cannot cleanse their wounds of suffering if my heart is a spring of selfishness. With that said, Sibbes now confronts me with two possible heart-states, one of which I must choose:

“The proud swelling heart, that is full of ambition, high conceits, and self-dependence, will not endure to have God to enter; but he dwells largely and easily in the heart of an humble man” (p. 51).

Perhaps instead of swelling my heart by dwelling on my circumstances, I should try to lance my pain by seeing Suzy, Joe, and Phyllis through the eyes of Christ. Maybe I should stop worrying about them having street cred with me and start focusing on me having Christ cred with them. How can this be done? There are three simple steps that I must practice if I want to develop Christ cred:

1. Look to the interest of others (Phil. 2: 4)

2. Labor to think of others as Christ thinks of them (Phil. 2:5)

3. Love them by sacrificially serving them in their times of need (Phil. 2:8)

As I follow this path, the putrid pride in my heart will give way to flowing streams of grace and mercy that will not only glorify God, but will honor my son by conforming his father into a man who will one day be worthy of the title “Fletcher’s Dad.” For now though, I must go. I must fervently begin praying for Suzy, Joe, and Phyllis because they need the comfort of Christ much more than I do during this dark time in their lives.

~ Todd

Sibbes, R. (1983). Works of Richard Sibbes, volume six. Edinburgh, UK: Banner of Truth Trust.

Filed Under: Autism, Confession, humility, Parenting, pastor/clergy, Prayer, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,

Autism and Your Church

March 17, 2011 By 4 Comments

A friend and early childhood educator recently loaned me a DVD. It is a presentation by speaker and author, Barbara J. Newman, on Autism and Your Church (you have to scroll down to find it.) The material was excellent. So good in fact, that I ordered a copy for myself and am sharing this short review with you.

What I appreciated so much about this DVD was that I could see Barbara “got it”. She painted an excellent (albeit brief, as the DVD is about 50 minutes long – perfect for sharing during a Sunday School hour) picture of autism. What I loved about her picture was that she physically held up a large puzzle piece. Once you have a child with autism or learn more about autism, it’s obvious why a common symbol you see for autism is the puzzle piece. Autism can be confusing, the manifestation of this in your child changes from year to year, and there is no exact outcome for what you can expect to see in the future.

On this puzzle piece Barbara had two colors, red and green. In these areas she listed a child’s difficulties and their qualities. I loved this picture. Her ultimate goal of the DVD is helping the church to better minister to families of children with autism and she gives practical ideas for doing this. I also felt her material could be informative and helpful to educators. When your child’s teacher seeks to UNDERSTAND your child, success is more easily attainable. That in turn also makes the teacher’s job easier. I also felt the presentation would be excellent to share with family members and loved ones who just want to understand your child better.

When we embrace that our child not only has difficulties but also, and just as importantly, special qualities – we can empower that child. This can apply to ANY child, even those without diagnoses. This is a very general review of the DVD but I highly recommend it. After watching it I felt a desire to share it with our family, our son’s educators and therapists, and our church.

On a side note, I also highly suggest the movie Temple Grandin. At the following link you can see a two-minute Temple Grandin Movie Trailer. Watching it again just now brought fresh tears to my eyes. We’ve watched this just recently and can’t wait to pass it around our family – an excellent movie about Temple Grandin and her life with autism. As a mother of a child with autism knows… autism looks different in everyone. Temple is one example and while it’s not exactly Owen, I saw similarities in certain things and if anything it helped me to understand him better. What’s exciting about Temple is how verbal and articulate she is with teaching all of us what it is like to BE a person with autism… something I think every mother of a child with autism holds as a desire of her heart – to truly understand and connect with her child.

Filed Under: ADHD, Asperger, Autism, Hope, pastor/clergy Tagged With: ,

Diagnosis, Treatment and Pastoral Care

January 11, 2011 By 8 Comments

January 11th is a day that will ring in my memory forever.  Five years ago today I received a call that changed my life.  Lymphoma.  Wow.  Hard to believe.  I was seemingly in excellent health except for that tiny lump I found in my neck.  Our family began a journey of discovery that taught us many things.

Early in the process, when we did not know the extent of the illness, we went to dinner with our pastor and his wife.  Treasured time.  They were such an encouragement to us as we shared our fears with them.  They committed to pray for us.  It was just what we needed.

Importantly, we did not go to our pastor for a prognosis or treatment plan.  That would have been way out of his expertise, or, as my husband often says, “out of his swim lane.”  We went to the experts to discuss those things — my physician, oncologist, and even the National Cancer Institute of the NIH.

But we did need him to know the crisis confronting our hearts.  We needed him to pray for us.

We were fortunate that he responded so kindly to us.

Like most things God allows in our lives, there are broader lessons from this experience. 

In my experience dealing with hidden disabilities, I have seen a couple of different responses from families confronting a difficult diagnosis.

* Some hide their grief and bear it alone, without effort to share it with a pastor or clergy member.

* Some share it freely with their pastor or clergy member, expecting answers to the difficult questions they are confronting.  Some of these meet a warm reception; others hear painful “counsel” that often does more harm than good.

Upon reflection, I think there is a balance to strike here.  I think we should share our burdens of hidden disability with our pastors and clergy members — not for a prognosis or treatment plan — that is out of their expertise — but for prayer and spiritual encouragement.  Perhaps we are part of the teaching tool God will use to help our pastor better understand these disabilities.  Just as I did not seek a treatment plan for cancer from my pastor, I should not seek a treatment plan for the hidden disability our family experiences. 

We are committed at ChosenFamilies.org to be a place of resources to help our pastors and clergy understand your challenges better.  But you are part of that teaching as well.

Have you talked with your pastor lately?

Filed Under: Diagnosis, General, Journey, pastor/clergy Tagged With: , ,