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On My Reluctant Work History

April 3, 2013 By 4 Comments

I never expected I would be a working mom. I only wanted to care  for my children and husband, work at home, and volunteer in church in  ways I enjoyed and believed God could use me.

Several years ago, I was pulled away from being a stay-at-home mom and brought  unintentionally  into the workplace.  The situation was not planned … my husband had underestimated the extent of his disability and had  accepted a job with our church that he could not perform.  Ben, a former college music teacher and orchestral musician, was now spinning his  wheels to run our church’s Music Academy.   I am naturally organized and gifted administratively, so it made sense for me to pick up the  administrative portions of Ben’s job.

This arrangement worked well for us for a while.  But then Ben’s seizures started interfering with his work.

After several hospitalizations, it became clear that Ben could no longer work anymore.  I took on more roles in the church and school (my dual  degrees in Music and English education and my administrative giftings  served me well).  I was working a full school day,  administrating the  Music program, teaching Choir and English, and I was blessed to be able  to spend each day in the same school building as my children. My job was a mishmash of things I enjoyed and had been trained in.  Despite  the disjointed nature of my work, I poured myself into it.   I suffered  occasional burn-out, marveled at the unplanned ways I had become a mom  with a full-time job, but daily thanked the Lord that I could work in  the same school where my children attended.   And through it all, I  still believed God would one day heal Ben and I would no longer  need to work full-time.

Then things changed.  The doctors said there was nothing more they could do for Ben.  The school decided they really needed  someone who could teach band.  I was “let go.”   For the first time in  my adult life, I had to find a full-time job to support my family of  five in one of the most expensive counties in the country.  I had no  idea what I was qualified to do.  I have an undergraduate degree in teaching music and a graduate degree in teaching English.  But my  teaching certificates were not current and  I was burned out and  had no desire to teach.

I found a job working as senior staff with an educational association.   It seemed like a great fit.  I enjoyed the work.  But it required that I travel.  A lot.  And each time I traveled, Ben’s health grew worse. No  matter how hard I tried to arrange our circumstances, Ben continued to  have multiple seizures each time I would travel.  I grew weary with all  of the trying.  Trying to arrange family life so that Ben’s health would be OK.  Trying to do my best at work.  Trying to trust the God who had  provided this job for me, while allowing my family to suffer.  It was clear I needed to find a new job with no travel so that my husband could heal.

So I had to find  a new job.  Again.  With limited skills in a difficult economy and a now spotty work history.

God provided a new job for me in government contracting.  I wasn’t  really keen on accepting the position, but it seemed like God had  provide this good job with a good salary to help my family heal.

The truth is, my family is finally thriving … and I am miserable.  I vehemently dislike the industry where I am working.  I have not made a  single friend at my job.  I have watched co-worker after co-worker leave due to the poor environment. I find myself  wondering how I  could have so grossly misunderstood God’s plan for my life.  The truth is, my husband’s health is as stable as it’s been in years. My kids are thriving.  Yet I am withering on the vine in a job that is far from  home and seems to drain away all hope and good feelings I have.

How can I explain what it’s like, to be a working mother almost by accident.  I have really fallen into each of my jobs as a means to an end.  I have never had a chance to ask myself … what do I want to do?  What would I enjoy? What kind of people do I want to work with?  And who would hire someone like me, with such a spotty, unplanned work  history?  And where does God fit into all of this?  Does he even care?

Would you please pray for me?  I have finally realized that I will be the  sole supporter of our family for the foreseeable future.  I would love  to be happy … even fulfilled in my work.  But I feel so guilty for  asking for this.  And God seems so far off.  So I covet your prayers.

~Nancy

Filed Under: discouragement, Prayer, Uncategorized, work

Heartwork

January 28, 2013 By 1 Comment

As parents of special needs kids, it is easy to get bogged down with therapy and numerous additional appointments. Tending our child’s heart may be swept aside. Not that this is our intention. But there is only so much emotional and physical energy each day.

I felt convicted to pray consistently for God to work in Jonathan’s heart. Not elaborate or laborious praying. Just simple dialogue. I began asking Him for ways to bring up His name naturally to Jonathan. To share one attribute of His character that I see reflected in his heart as well. Weeks went by. I felt peaceful about the way Jonathan began to ask questions and open up more freely with his own thoughts about God.

In the van after carpool one recent afternoon, Jonathan’s questions turned to heaven. What is it like? What if we get lost up there? How will we find God? I carefully explained that the wonderful thing about God is that He knows just where to look and find us. We don’t have to look for Him. He comes to us. Jonathan pondered that. I shared that God is building a special house, just for Jonathan. Sunlight paled for a moment compared to the bright smile that exploded on his face. Really? A home of my own? Do I have to share it? I smile, not missing the quiet thoughts tumbling around his mind. At six, he is the oldest of my four children. He often covers his ears with both hands and shouts we have too many children in our house. He expresses in those moments sentiments I dare not admit out loud, but think quite regularly myself.

Yes, Jonathan, a home all your own, and you only share it if you want.

So how do I get to heaven, he wants to know. I respond that when you die, if you love Jesus and have asked Him to live inside your heart, you go to heaven to be with Jesus forever. Oh. He immediately follows with, have I done that yet? Not yet. Can I do it now?

Absolutely! So he did. And my precious son is now my little brother in Christ.

My prayers continue as I ask God to grow my son’s love for Him and His truth. May all our children choose to walk in the truth and purity and righteousness of our Father. And may He grace us to do the same.

~ Rebekah

Filed Under: adoption, God's presence, Parenting, Prayer, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Christmas Prayer

December 14, 2012 By 2 Comments

Unexpected God,

Your advent alarms us.

Wake us from drowsy worship,

From the sleep that neglects love,

And the sedative of misdirected frenzy.

Awaken us now to your coming,

And bend our angers into Your peace.

Amen.

Philip G. Ryken, Wheaton College

Those words “neglects love” and “misdirected frenzy” yanked on my spirit’s reins so hard last week, it forced me to s-l-o-w  d-o-w-n. I have angers. I need them bent into God’s PEACE.

Sooo I dropped off the map for a few days, stayed home, asked for space, got it (thank you, my man). Tended my love for Jesus. Soaked in the Christmas story…looking for any link to my life this year. Matthew…Luke…

……read Jesus was coming “to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:79

I need that – and Jesus does not resent giving it to me (James 1:5). He never gets bored or impatient with my constant need for His guidance. (I love Him for this.) Jesus doesn’t say, “you’ve been doing this 27 years, what’s wrong with you? why are you still asking for help?” This matters to me, because I am here to tell you: more time and experience with mood disorders does not make me less sinful, more skillful. Only time with Jesus does that.

Can you relate? Sometimes I get angry that I am facing the same old patterns, in myself or my loved ones. I need Jesus to bend my angers into His peace.

Do you need guidance, like me? Should I shut down? Move on? Stand still? Draw different boundaries? Speak up? Shut up? Discuss this issue with the kids? Disclose this to my friends? I wake up every DAY needing Jesus to guide my feet into peaceful ways to live in family with loved ones who have mood and perception disorders.

Then I came across these lyrics…

Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us (for me, hidden disabilities)
Get our attention to prove He is enough?

He’ll do and He’ll use whatever He wants to
To tell us, “I love you.”

Have you ever lost a loved one who you thought should still be here?
Do you know what it feels like to be tangled up in fear?
What if He’s somehow involved, what if He’s speaking through it all?…

His ways are higher, His ways are better
Though sometimes strange, what could be stranger
Than God in a manger…

God Speaking, Mandisa

I pray Jesus will guide you into peace today, and that you will hear God speaking to you,

“I love you.”

Being bent, in love,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Christmas, Prayer, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Love on the Border

December 4, 2012 By 3 Comments

I don’t know if borderline intellectual functioning (BIF) has ever been considered a hidden disability professionally, but I do consider it as such.   I am not an expert, a psychiatrist, or the American Psychiatric Association, but I am a parent who has one child, Cassie, who fits within this intellectual band and one child, Annie, who fits right under it, classified as mildly mentally retarded.

For now, Annie is doing well in school with all the help from the special education department.  She is spunky and has a passion for horses and plays the clarinet in the school band.   She carries with her many of the same challenges as Cassie, but not yet to the same extent.

Cassie is the one for whom I spend agonizing hours trying to understand how to educate and discipline her.   She is now 16 with her own ideas of how all this should be done, not unlike most teenagers.   So how do you merge this normal desire for independence with her lower functioning intelligence?   This is the discussion, along with many others, I hope to elicit from all of you who visit this blog.

The research is not extensive, but I notice it growing each time I do a search.  The educators who have just received their degrees have told me that they have been taught that it is not polite or politically correct to indicate that someone is not capable of going to college anymore.  As Chuck Colson would often point out, “The emperor is not wearing any clothes.”  Seven percent of our population has an I.Q. that falls within the band of borderline intellectual functioning which is 71-85.  These precious people are the ones who barely make it through school and claim they slept through all of their courses.   (It is difficult to stay engaged when everything is beyond your reach.)

Each time I share with you, I want to want to divide each entry into three categories.   I will begin with a passage of Scripture  that will be an encouragement to us all.  Secondly I will share a summary or a portion of some research or professional advice that I have discovered.  Then I will conclude with personal situations and experiences in which God has given me wisdom or in which I may need some wisdom from all of you.   We love our children and want the best for them, but I know sometimes I just don’t get it!   Today during our literature lesson, Cassie tried to convince me of something through tears of frustration.  It was a long five minutes.   I prayed within my soul for God’s help.   Was she taking advantage of me?   Was she again not trying?  All of a sudden, I did see her point of view and realized she was right.  I was so sure I was right.   I asked for wisdom and God gave it to me.

This brings me to the verse I want to share with you.  (I know that I am already breaking my sequence.)     Many of you can predict what this passage is.   James 1:5 (NIV) “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”    Take advantage of God’s wisdom and generosity in giving it to us.  In the middle of ambiguity, confusion, frustration and even anger, SNAP!   Stop Now and Pray.   His love for your child is above ours.   His knowledge and wisdom is above all the research we can find.   I am excited to begin this journey with you.  Please pray
for me as I will pray for you.

~Jan

Filed Under: Borderline Intellectual Functioning (BIF), Prayer, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Prayer and your Special Needs Child

November 12, 2012 By 2 Comments

I attended a CS Lewis Institute seminar on Effective Prayer this weekend, taught by Paul Miller, and was astounded that one of my most poingnant prayers should be answered by just one of his stories. This was not a special needs seminar, but Paul has a non-verbal autistic adult daughter and uses many illustrations from their life together to talk about prayer.

 

The story that most profoundly affected me was about his daughter Kim’s early morning stimming behaviors that, many years ago, were driving her parents crazy. While in the middle of writing a book about prayer, it occured to Paul that instead of yelling at Kim from downstairs to go back to bed (his admission), he should just go upstairs and pray for her. So he would get up, rest his hands on her, and pray. After a time, he started reading Scripture to her. HIS actions set HER off on a meaningful spiritual journey, which now includes resting her hands on people and telling them she is praying for them (on her iPad speech app).

 

I have been so focused on Dan’s life skills training over the years (18, HFA), that I have negected his eternal life skills training.  And now, I have less than a year to make up for it before he moves away to whatever post-high school residential program we can get him into.

 

We have always found churches over the years (due to frequent military moves) where we could attend “big church” services while he went to the children’s program or youth group. Why make him sit through a service that will mean nothing to him and keep us distracted with addressing his behaviors and wondering when the sermon was ever going to end? Looking back, I would probably do the same thing today. But, true to the law of unintended consquences, in one-on-one time with his youth pastor this week, Kris had to explain to Dan what baptism is! Duh, he has never seen one! I have been distressed over his apparent total lack of spiritual sensitivity, and underestimated the effect current culture has had over him. (I said something to him about Jesus’ second coming recently, which he characterized as “a myth.”)  Until now, I have laid Dan’s spiritual training at the feet of my church, prayed for God to work in his life, blamed autism for his inability to apprehend spiritual things, and was comforted by telling myself “I know God will do the right thing in regards to his eternal salvation.”

 

But Paul’s story gave me hope. I learned early on that nothing happens in Dan’s life until WE decide it’s going to happen. Showering independently, using a knife to cut his food, tying his shoelaces, laundry. Why would spiritual practices be any different? Well, if he will tolerate it (I’m praying about that), I’m going into Dan’s bedroom tomorrow at 6:20 am, rest my hands on him, pray for him and his day, and read a chapter of Proverbs aloud. I don’t think I can insert a “prayer coin” and a “Bible verse coin” into a heavenly vending machine, pull the lever, and expect Dan to fall on his knees and beg to be baptized. But God might show up and do something. And He might use even me to make it happen in my son’s life.

 

~ Danz mom, Peggy

PS: I highly recommend Paul’s book, A Praying Life. It’s FILLED with stories about Kim.

 

 

Filed Under: Autism, Parenting, Prayer, Uncategorized

“God, How Could You?”: Choosing Lament or Grumbling

September 19, 2012 By 1 Comment

Last week, I watched a video featuring parents of disabled children giving advice to the parents of newly diagnosed children. While much of the video was encouraging, one father’s advice particularly disturbed me. This father warned that praying to the God who put you into this mess is futile.

Even though I wanted to dismiss his statement quickly, the frankness of his statement haunted me. Whether we like to admit it or not, in the midst of the turmoil and heartbreak, the sleepless nights and empty checking account, we’ve all wondered, “God, how could you?”

While some might disagree, I believe we shouldn’t be ashamed of such questions. The prayers of lament found in the Bible give us a model for handling anxiety and sorrow. For example, in Lamentations 3, the prophet accuses God of breaking his bones, attacking him like a bear or lion, and setting him up as the target for his arrows. How many times have you heard someone pray like that on Sunday morning? Yet, such words flow from the mouth of the prophet by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

But, you may ask, what makes lament different from the grumbling of Israel in the wilderness, which God condemns? The difference lies in the direction of the complaints. The prophet’s complaint leads him toward God. After saying in despair that hope is dead, he exclaims, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases” (Lam 3:21-22 ESV). The prophet did not list his complaints before God from a lack of faith in God. Rather, he sought to grapple with perceived inconsistency between the way things “should be” and reality; after engaging in this struggle, the prophet concluded that his initial viewpoint was not accurate. He had forgotten an important theological truth: God’s everlasting, promise-keeping, undeserved love. Remembering God’s promise-keeping love reoriented his outlook. However, the reorientation came through the process of lament.

The complaints of the wilderness generation, on the other hand, did not lead toward God. Rather, they led away from God causing them to replace God with an invented god. After the unfaithful generation dies, Moses warns their children, “Beware lest there be among you a man or woman or clan or tribe whose heart is turning away today from the LORD our God to go and serve the gods of those nations. Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit” (Deut 29:18). The author of Hebrews alludes to this verse when he warns, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb 12:15).

When we endure difficulty, especially over a long period of time, bitterness toward God can spring up in our hearts. God has not turned out to be who we expected him to be, and in our disappointment and disillusionment we reject God and commit the same sin of idolatry as the wilderness generation.

As we deal with our disappointments, we must be careful to come to God in faith. In prayer we can empty ourselves of our complaints, allowing him to remind us of his lovingkindness, or we can choose the path of those whose corpses fell in the wilderness. Let us guard against an overgrowth of bitterness toward him in our hearts lest we shrink back from faith in him.

~ Joshua

Filed Under: Bible, Faith, Hope, Parenting, Prayer, Trust

A Timely Tweet

September 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3

God continues to surprise me how He speaks and reveals Himself ever so personally and often at just the right time.

I was recently processing a disappointment that I thought I had adequately dealt with and moved on.  However, I soon realized there was more work to do and I needed the Lord’s help with it – AGAIN!  So this morning, I searched my heart and confessed all I was feeling regarding this issue. I confessed my pain and brought Him my questions.

Then I returned to Psalms, where I had been reading, with no real answers or resolution. There were a couple of verses that jumped out to me and applied to other concerns in my life. I prayed through them and gave thanks for the insights I gained and the blessing of His Presence.

I woke up the rest of the family and went through our normal morning routine.  My son and I returned home after dropping my daughter off at school and I sat down at the computer to quickly check email and Twitter.

There it was.

My answer came through a tweet by pastor Rick Warren that the Holy Spirit powerfully impressed was for me in more ways than one.  It read: “Trust God’s timing. ‘Not yet’ isn’t ‘No.’ A delay isn’t a denial. Wait patiently.”

The Holy Spirit comforted me in a deep way through this truth and reminded me I really can trust His timing. I was filled with joy and peace about the situation and how the God of the universe would speak to me, even through Twitter. :)

I have learned that often times the Lord speaks to us not only for our benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. I am to receive His personal word for me and look for opportunities to share it so He can bless someone else. It’s just how the Kingdom of God works.

So friends, you really can trust God’s timing with whatever you are facing.  Although waiting is hard, it has the potential to move from ‘hardly bearable’ to ‘transformational’ when we focus on the Lord and allow Him to work in us.

Trying to wait patiently,

~Lynn

 

 

Filed Under: Challenge, Depression, Encouragement, General, God's presence, Prayer, Trust Tagged With: , , , ,

Finding the Security of Parental Inability

July 14, 2012 By 5 Comments

I love the security of method. I like to know that if I follow steps A, B, and C then I will achieve a desired result, and in this, I am not alone. Much of what passes for Christian teaching today attempts to boil the Bible down and condense it into method. So, we read about seven steps to this, or we hear about three steps to that, because we find a peculiar comfort in a method that guarantees Christ-likeness.

If you talk to us about parenting, then you will find much of the same thing. We recommend friends this or that book which describes our preferred parenting method, and if we follow the described method carefully, then we can expect our children to grow into the adults we desire them to be. Unfortunately, life isn’t so simple. It is possible to follow all the right steps and not achieve the desired result, especially in parenting, and furthermore, it is also possible to follow a method to the letter of the law without the godly spirit that makes the method effective.

Here I’ve found one of the blessings of parenting a child with a hidden disability. The Bible gives much wisdom on the subject of parenting. Methods attempt to take that wisdom and apply it to daily life, which allow us to have confidence that by following the method we are following the Bible. However, disability reveals the innate limitations of parenting methods. For example, when a child has limited to no communication skills, like my son on the Autism Spectrum, the sure-fire methods begin to break down. No one has written Shepherding an Autistic Child’s Heart (not to pick on Tedd Tripp and his useful book). The insufficiency of our method forces us to boldly confront a scary reality: parental inability.

There are no guarantees in parenting. Parents are fallen people raising fallen people. Only the Holy Spirit possesses the omnipotent and sovereign power to transform our children into the godly men and women we desire them to be. While the recognition of such inability might lead some to despair, it ought to rather give us great hope since it demonstrates that as parents we are dependent upon a good and great God. Our methods may be flawed and at times we may be inconsistent. We will even sin against our children in many ways. Yet, despite our imperfections, God remains on his throne.

Even though my flesh desires the security of a method, Jude’s Autism has taught me the security I have in God as a parent. I am learning that being a godly parent means much more than following steps A, B, and C. Being a godly parent means daily seeking the face of God, interceding on behalf of my family, and being daily transformed into a father who reflects the very character of God himself. Good methods can be helpful, but they are no replacement for a mom or dad who walks with God. Greater blessing lies along the paths that remove our inadequate securities and cast us more completely upon our all-sufficient God because these paths ensure that God alone will receive all the glory.

Joshua

Filed Under: Autism, Discipline, Parenting, Prayer

Pulse of Praise

June 19, 2012 By 1 Comment

When you parent a three year-old with Autism, God gives you a full-ride scholarship to the school of prayer, and I find the lessons I am learning expressed most astutely in the poem “Gratefulness” by George Herbert (1593-1633).

In “Gratefulness,” Herbert implores God to give him a grateful heart, and then goes on to compare himself to a beggar who works on God with the skill of a professional panhandler. God never satisfies this beggar. He always asks for more. He even says that if he doesn’t get his current request, then all of God’s previous generosity would be useless.

Despite this, Herbert considers that when God chose to save sinners he took our poverty into account. Heaven is like a beautiful estate (I picture Downton Abbey!) with beggars perpetually knocking at the door and filling the beautiful rooms with tears, and yet God gives gifts continually.

Remarkably though, God does not begrudge the beggars. In one of my favorite lines, Herbert says, “Nay thou hast made a sigh and groan / Thy joys.” God has the perfect heavenly melodies of the angelic choir to enjoy, but he has chosen to love “country-airs”–rough, folksy songs of poor country people. God regards our weak, sigh-filled prayers with as much love as the worship of heavenly beings.

So, Herbert cries out again and again, refusing to be quieted, until God grants him a thankful heart. Clarifying his request, he writes in the final stanza: “Not thankful, when it pleaseth me; / As if thy blessings had spare days: / But such a heart, whose pulse may be / Thy praise.”

Jude, because of his Autism, fills our home with sighs and groans as he attempts to communicate with the words he doesn’t possess. Admittedly, as parents, we don’t always enjoy those moments, especially knowing that a meltdown might lie just around the corner.

However, our prayers take on much of the same character for “we do not know what to pray for as we ought” (Rom 8:26 ESV). Yet, God has chosen to make our feeble noise his joys as he fills the heavenly throne room with the prayers of the saints like incense billowing forth before him (cf. Rev 5:8; 8:3-4).

With such a God as this, how can we be anything other than grateful? So, let us not be grateful only when the situation pleases us. Even in the midst of hidden disability, may our hearts beat to a pulse of praise!

(If you would like to read more from Herbert, I recommend A Year with George Herbert by Jim Scott Orrick.)

Filed Under: Autism, Parenting, Praise, Prayer Tagged With: , , ,

The Hardest Trip

May 24, 2012 By 1 Comment

We’re headed to the beach – the family home we haven’t seen in nearly 18 months. The kids are out of school, the weather promises to be idyllic. What for your ordinary traveler might be just a “nice weekend,” is for two war-weary parents with a disabled child, a chance to grasp at heaven. Matt and I may as well be first-classing it to the Maldives for as excited as we are.

The resort town is a perfect child’s playground – ice cream stands and pirate-themed trinket shops, a boardwalk and bikes to rent, and a playground and sand and lighthouses dotting the peninsula like giant candles. There are hours of activity in store for Noah, Grace, and Jesse. And from the second-story deck from which we can see the ocean, the adults can talk for hours in hammock chairs with the kids scrambling at our feet. It is very nearly perfect for everyone. Save for one tiny detail: the road trip required to get there.

Under “ordinary” circumstances, we should make the trip in about 5.5 hours. However, we’re lucky if we arrive in fewer than seven. And now, with the loss of modern conveniences like the car’s DVD player and CD player (thank you, Jesse for proving that both devices work just as well as coin slots as they do electronics), it’s going to feel a little like a Bonanza wagon train. Just imagine a very long, very hot, very boring, very crowded car ride with a child in the backseat repeating, “Bad, Jesse! Bad, Jesse!” Then imagine the offended child starts screaming, as anyone would, should their moral composition be repeatedly questioned. Then add another child, who will start whining that she’s hot, or that she didn’t really want chicken nuggets (even though she explicitly told you otherwise), and will extend her leg to Noah, whispering, “Noah, you better not touch me.” To which the first child will respond as anticipated, and the girl will scream with operatic shrillness and set every dog down interstate 95 to fits of barking. Then imagine all of this occurs in holiday traffic, with a whistling window seal resulting from a poor repair job, and a son who insists on eating the same sunflower seeds as his dad (and in the same abundance), which means potty breaks of more frequency and greater urgency than anyone could have anticipated. I usually need a wheelchair and a bag of IV fluids by the time we get there – just like some actress/singer/“celebutant” claiming exhaustion. Listen, I have no personal beef with Rihanna, but I doubt girlfriend’s taken a drive like ours.

So if you think of it this holiday weekend, will those of you without children, or with children who are better behaved, or with cars of better repair, headed on shorter drives – will you pray for us?

And then, sitting on the beach in what is left of the magenta sun, watching my son scream into the misty air as he delights in the roar of the coming tide, I promise to pray for you.

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, Family, FUN, Holidays, Journey, Prayer, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,
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