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Dark tunnels

March 5, 2013 By 1 Comment

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away your ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. Corrie ten Boom

I am so very thankful I know without a shadow of doubt that I can “sit still and trust the engineer.”  We all know life consists of traveling through dark tunnels and most of us have traveled through many dark tunnels in our lifetime. It was during one of those dark tunnels that the Lord called me out of the darkness and into the light, praise God.  It is when we are going through the dark tunnels in our lives that we develop a deeper relationship with the Lord. This makes me think of Acts 14:22 which says “through many hardships and tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God” Amplified Bible (AMP). Knowing this truth is how we as believers go through those dark tunnels “sitting still.”

Looking back at the verse above, did you notice “many”??? It is through many hardships and tribulations we enter the kingdom of God. I am not saying that someone who has an “easy life” cannot be a believer or have a strong relationship with the Lord but for me personally, even though sometimes (most of the time) I wish for an easier life or, should I say, less stressful life, then I know my relationship with the Lord would not be what it is today. My son’s illness (schizoaffective disorder) has kept me on my knees as I have said many times, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful I have Someone (the Lord) I can cry out to without fear of rejection or condemnation. I can be totally honest with Him because He knows my heart anyway. That is very comforting to me.

I have been blessed with being able to take Precept courses over the years and listen to Kay Arthur’s teaching. I love what she says about how we naturally want to run to the “arm of flesh” instead of the Lord when trouble comes. I remember her asking when a trial comes unexpectedly what is the first thing we usually do? We usually run to the “arm of flesh” either by telephone or car! I am so guilty of this. Isaiah 31:1 says: “Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, And rely on horses, And trust in chariots because they are many, And in horsemen because they are very strong, But they do not look to the Holy One of Israel, nor seek the Lord!” Then Isaiah 31:3 explains: “Now the Egyptians are men, and not God, And their horses are flesh and not spirit; So the Lord will stretch out His hand, And he who helps will stumble And he who is helped will fall, And all of them will come to an end together.”  I don’t want to jump off when I go through the tunnel. I want to “sit still and trust.” This is a choice I have to make. The Lord is teaching me greater dependence on Him. My help comes from Him, and from Him alone.

For an update on my son’s illness, he is doing very good. His psychiatrist changed his meds a couple of weeks ago and it has made a huge difference! He even went to “his” church by himself! That is major!!!!!! We are reducing one medication and raising up the new medication so pray it will continue to be a success! I am so proud of my son and I just wish people knew his heart the way I do. Mental illness has a way of humbling a person. Every time my son sees a person on the side of the road asking for money, he wants to give them some money, even if just a dollar, because he said that could easily be him. He understands his dependency on his medications and on me at this point but you know what? We are ALL totally dependent on the grace of God. I Corinthians 15:10 reads: “By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.” Thank you Father for your grace!

For an update on my job situation, that is the dark tunnel I am now in but I am not throwing away my ticket and jumping off the train because I know I can trust the engineer!

~Gabrielle~

Filed Under: schizoaffective disorder, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Updates . . .

January 2, 2013 By 2 Comments

Forgive me for taking so long to write. The past 6 months have been months of searching, seeking, changes, and at times overwhelming. God is faithful and I can’t even begin to imagine going through life without Him. Thank you, Lord, that You will never leave me or forsake me.

Now for the updates . . . First, my son (who has schizoaffective disorder) has a new psychiatrist closer to home which is a HUGE blessing! Since his last psychiatrist retired, he was going to have to see a nurse practitioner if he stayed at that same office. I have nothing at all against nurse practitioners; However, I felt with my son’s illness he needed to be under a psychiatrist’s care at all times since he has come so far yet still is having problems with finding the right combination of medications.

I saw an article in the newspaper about a new psychiatrist moving to our area who was going to be taking new patients. Praise God for our Jehovah-Jireh, “The Lord will provide.” My son loves his new doctor, who by the way is very compassionate and empathetic (which many of you know is very, very hard to find!).  I am so thankful for him.

When I was struggling with the decision of changing jobs, it affected him more than I realized. We are now working with his meds because the job change I was making caused some symptoms of paranoia.  Weight gain from the meds has also been a major issue. I am thankful he takes his meds and wants to take his meds because he understands he would go into full blown psychoses if he didn’t, meaning he would think that cameras were all over the room watching him.  Before medication, he thought that everyone, even those on TV, knew all him about him and were talking about him — major paranoia with auditory hallucinations saying no one liked him.  I can’t begin to imagine what my son actually goes through every day even with his medication.  The stigma of “mental illness” doesn’t help at all.  I have realized that there will always be those who don’t understand and those who don’t want to understand but I know who does and I know that I can trust Him.

As I Corinthians 13:12 says: “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

The next major change in our lives was I decided not to stay with the company I had been with for over 10 years so I am moving into a new territory so to speak with the new company I now work for.

Also concerning church, my son loves the new church we have been attending but my heart is still at my old church.   I am going with my son when he is able to go to “his church” and then have decided to go back to my church when I can. As I mentioned above, I know there will always be people who don’t understand my son’s illness, especially in the church, which has been a real struggle for me. I am finally getting that. It still hurts, though, knowing how my son has to deal with his very real illness along with death to the dreams he had of his life but I keep telling him God’s plans are a lot better than we could ever imagine and, we have to trust Him!  I just wish ”people” would put themselves in my son’s shoes but only God can change hearts.

Then I remember The Parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:29-37: 29 — But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” 30 Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. 32 So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. 34 He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 And the next day he took out two denarius and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ 36 Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” 37 He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Mercy. Go and do likewise. I need mercy.   My son needs mercy.  We all need mercy.

I would like to end with an excerpt from the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.   She refers to a quote from Jean-Pierre de Caussade, in A Guide to Prayer for All God’s People,  Rueben Job and Norman Shawchuck, eds. (Nashville: Upper Room, 1990), 244:

“You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies – though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God, and yet [God's] beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is.”

As my pastor says, God is good ALL THE TIME!

Gabrielle~

Filed Under: Change, Faith, mental illness, schizoaffective disorder, Uncategorized

Waiting on Him

May 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I have copied a section of one of my favorite chapters in the Bible, 2 Chronicles 20, below.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything I have to do and at this time in my life have some major decisions to make which I hate to do. The passage below is one I read before the Lord.  I pray it encourages you.   God is faithful.

After this the Moabites and Ammonites, and with them some of the Meunites, came against Jehoshaphat for battle. Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, “A great multitude is coming against you from Edom, from beyond the sea; and, behold, they are in Hazazon-tamar” (that is, Engedi). Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the LORD, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah. And Judah assembled to seek help from the LORD; from all the cities of Judah they came to seek the LORD. And Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD, before the new court, and said, “O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you. Did you not, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel, and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend? And they have lived in it and have built for you in it a sanctuary for your name, saying, ‘If disaster comes upon us, the sword, judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before you—for your name is in this house—and cry out to you in our affliction, and you will hear and save.’ And now behold, the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir, whom you would not let Israel invade when they came from the land of Egypt, and whom they avoided and did not destroy—behold, they reward us by coming to drive us out of your possession, which you have given us to inherit. O our God, will you not execute judgment on them? For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Meanwhile all Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. And the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, son of Benaiah, son of Jeiel, son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, in the midst of the assembly. And he said, “Listen, all Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: Thus says the LORD to you, ‘Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s. Tomorrow go down against them. Behold, they will come up by the ascent of Ziz. You will find them at the end of the valley, east of the wilderness of Jeruel. You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.”  Then Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground, and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell down before the LORD, worshiping the LORD. And the Levites, of the Kohathites and the Korahites, stood up to praise the LORD, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice.    2 Chronicles 20: 1-19

LORD, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on You!

Waiting on Him,

Gabrielle

Filed Under: Encouragement, Expectations, Prayer, schizoaffective disorder Tagged With: ,

A Time for Everything

April 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There is an appointed time for everything.  And there is a time for every event under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

We had a major event happen at our house yesterday.   My son had his hair cut!  You will understand my excitement when I tell you it has been over a year since his hair has been cut.  Somehow he was thinking he could “hide” behind his hair and no one could see “him” so when he told me he wanted to get his hair cut, this was MAJOR and we left IMMEDIATELY to get it cut!

Thank the Lord, his medications are starting to kick in and there is light beginning to shine in the darkness.  He even asked about going to church Sunday!  He has not been able to go because of the paranoia and auditory hallucinations but has been listening to his favorite pastors on his I-pod whenever he can.  He has about a 3 hour time span from mid-morning to afternoon when he can comprehend better and uses that time to read his Bible and listen to his favorite pastors.

I have been praying about us going to a new church and I believe the time is now. We left our church for a year after my son got sick because of misunderstandings about mental illness.   We went to another church for awhile but mostly stayed home and watched pastors on TV and studied the Bible.  It was a time for some soul-searching and healing for me, which was much needed, and a time for seeking the Lord privately.  I went back to my church after this because that had been my “church family” for many years and I needed the fellowship.  After some time, I realized I could not change their understanding of my son’s illness/disability, only the Lord could do that.  I have accepted that and God alone knows their hearts.  The Lord has brought closure now because I have realized my son needs a church family too who understands, accepts, and loves him with his illness/disability.   Pray for us on this journey.

Isaiah 58:6-11

6.  Is not this the fast that I choose; to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke?

7.  Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

8.  Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

9.  Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, “Here I am.”
If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,

10. If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday.

11. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

Gabrielle

Filed Under: healing, schizoaffective disorder Tagged With:

Still hanging on . . .

March 12, 2012 By 1 Comment

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a friend who I had not talked to in awhile.  She called to tell me her daughter, who has bipolar, was in the hospital for stabilization because of delusions. She had been doing great for at least 4 years and always took her meds regularly so that had nothing to do with it. It seems like stress may have been the trigger as she had decided to go back to school. Most likely, the same thing that happened to my son 5 or 6 years earlier happened to her with the stress of going back to school causing a major psychotic episode. My son tried twice within a 2 year period to go back to school, both times lasting no more than 2 days, and like my friend’s daughter ended up having major psychotic episodes with delusions, paranoia, and a desire to ”want to stay inside” as he has said so many times when his illness started to flare-up.

For some unknown reason my son has been more unstable the past couple of years. It is not as bad as it was in the beginning but maybe that is because it was all new to me and to him. He was doing really well for a couple of years – I was not afraid to let him drive and he wasn’t afraid to drive – but the past couple of years he has been having more psychotic episodes. (I don’t let him drive now.) He has not had to be hospitalized because we are seeing his psychiatrist once a month and we just saw him Friday.

It is really hard for me because he was doing so well.  He has been and is taking his meds. We are experimenting again with medication — stopping one, adding another, and increasing one — which is always so frustrating because it takes time to see the results. Right now he is so out of it he cannot do anything but sleep. I believe he needs this time of rest because he has been in a battle with those crazy voices he hears. They seemed to be getting worse along with his paranoia. It always starts with thoughts of everyone watching him and goes downhill from there. He went to the store with me the other day and on the way home asked me why everyone was judging him.    I was so ready to see his psychiatrist Friday!    As a side note, he is never violent during these times. People have asked me if I am ever afraid of him because of what they have seen/heard from the media about mental illness.  No, I am never afraid of him. My heart breaks for him.

A NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) workshop helped me understand his “voices” better.  My mom and I had been to a few of the local NAMI support group meetings and were told about an 8 hour workshop that helped caregivers understand more in depth about mental illness. It was a very informative workshop and it was great meeting other parents/caregivers who had a loved one with a mental illness.  At one point during the workshop the teacher had half of the group sit down and the other half of the group stand beside someone seated. She then told the ones standing to whisper negative comments into the ear of the one seated, like “you’re ugly”, “no one likes you” over and over.  She said that is what it is like with someone who has auditory hallucinations. That was eye opening for me and I must say it is hard to imagine hearing that all day. It is also hard to comprehend how that can happen.

I have a very good friend from high school who I stay in contact with and her father has Alzheimer’s dementia, which is more familiar. He told his daughter one day to go outside and tell all those kids climbing in his trees to go home when, of course, no one was there. Society understands Alzheimer’s, mainly because it is a disease of the elderly, but something like schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder that hits in the late teens to 20s as it did my son at age 18 is harder to understand and accept.

Believe me, it has been hard to understand and accept but I go back to my stones of remembrance, remembering the faithfulness of the Lord, and choosing to trust Him. I have to.

I love John 6: 67-69 but will start with verse 66 to better understand the passage: After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with Him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?”  Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

I am holding on to Jesus, the Holy One of God, but what is even more comforting is knowing He is holding on to me AND my son and He won’t let go.

Gabrielle

Filed Under: schizoaffective disorder Tagged With: ,

Acceptance

February 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what He has made crooked? Ecclesiastes 7:13.

My mother’s sister developed schizophrenia in her early 20s.  This was during the time when they institutionalized the mentally ill.  When I was around 7 or 8 years old I would go to the hospital in Knoxville with my mom and granddad to see her.  I don’t remember too much about those visits since I was so young.  When I was older she was moved to Moccasin Bend Hospital in Chattanooga, and I do remember my mom and I going to that hospital on many Thanksgiving mornings.  My mom would sign my aunt out for the day so she could eat Thanksgiving dinner with us.  I remember my mom saying how much she hated mental illness and what it had done to her sister.  When the hospital no longer kept patients long-term due to cut backs, she was moved to a group home where she eventually died in her 80s.

When my son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, it was hard to accept especially after being exposed to mental illness with my aunt.   When he first started taking the antipsychotic medications, I thought they were making him more psychotic when in reality he needed more of the medication.  I would call the psychiatrist’s office and tell the nurse the medicine was making him worse and they would increase it.  Just the word “antipsychotic” sounded bad to me.  It was doubly hard on my mom but she has been and is such support for me and my son for which I am so thankful.    My son’s illness is a very lonely and alienating illness.  It is not one that people want to talk about.  At one time I wanted to start a support/prayer group at my church for families of the mentally ill but it didn’t work out.

I recently found a copy of the Serenity Prayer, the full version.  It is beautiful so I copied it below as my prayer to close with.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Gabrielle

Filed Under: schizoaffective disorder Tagged With:

If they only knew . . .

February 4, 2012 By 3 Comments

I love I Samuel 16:7 which says: “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”    I would like to share a little about my son, his illness, and what he has to deal with.  I know the Lord knows, which is of great comfort to me.  I cannot even begin to imagine going through this without the Lord.    I have cried out to the Lord many times like Hannah in I Samuel 1:15,  pouring out my soul before the Lord concerning my son.  I am so thankful He hears.

My son’s diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder.   His illness hit one Saturday afternoon while working at his part time job his senior year in high school with only a couple of months left before graduation.   He had a psychotic break thinking everyone in the restaurant was talking about him.   After this, we had to cover the televisions because he thought people were watching him through the television.  He believed there were hidden cameras all through the house also watching him.  He had auditory hallucinations where he would hear voices that sound just as real as if I was talking to him but, of course, no one was there.   If we were driving in the car, he thought people in the other cars passing us and behind us were all talking about him.   He could not listen to music or television because he believed they were all talking about him.    He had a 3.5 average in school and with 2 months left until graduation, the school put him on the homebound program so he could graduate.  Thank the Lord!   After school was out, my daughter and I knew how much he loved the ocean and thought if we could get him away for a few days to see the ocean, maybe that would help him.  We didn’t realize at the time how sick he was.   We went to the beach and it was beautiful.   He stayed in the hotel room and would not come out thinking that everyone knew him, and of course, we had to keep a towel over the television.

I wanted to share a little bit of what he has experienced.  He is doing better now but he still hears voices and has delusions at times with paranoia.   Some days are worse than others. I don’t have to cover the television up anymore and he can watch it now for a while.   We are still working on his meds, which is so hard because it takes so long to find out if one works or not.   He has gained a lot of weight as a side effect of his meds and that has made him scared to try new meds.  It is sad that it seems like a choice  between his brain or his body.  Hopefully someday soon he will be able to get on a new medication without the side effect of weight gain.

I wish people, especially the body of Christ, would TRY to understand what my son goes through.    I have been told many things … he has a demon since he hears voices … or he is just spoiled/lazy and needs to lose weight.    My son has a heart for God.  I wish people would see my son’s heart and not his disability.  I know the Lord sees his heart and smiles.

Gabrielle

Filed Under: schizoaffective disorder, Schizophrenia Tagged With: ,