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Clueless Meets Titus Woman

May 3, 2013 By 2 Comments

My husband’s 1st manic episode (in our marriage) collided with the birth of our 1st baby. I didn’t have to be Einstein to realize I was in WAY over my head. My baby was crying all the time, my husband never slept, AND he thought the world was coming to an end, literally.

Now, I had taken psychology courses and even done a few nursing rotations on psych floors – but NONE of that education helped me recognize a manic husband. Scary, huh? By the time he was hospitalized, it became crystal clear how clueless I had been. Introducing words like “hypomanic” and “manic” to my vocabulary eventually helped me understand my 1st 18 months of marriage….

But I was still pretty lost. I had NO idea if I was loving my husband in any way remotely biblical. I felt my marriage had suddenly fallen into some category that was not even IN the Bible. I had had to call 911 on my own husband because he was no longer safe around me and our newborn baby – THAT just isn’t in the Bible anywhere.

One day I read these exact words, “… Older women … are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Titus 2:3-5

Well there. I definitely needed one of those “older women”!

I summoned enough courage to call the only older woman I knew in our church … You know anyone willing to be a Titus woman to someone like (as needy as) me?  - embarrassing, but I was desperate. I was so relieved when she said she would pray. Sure enough, a few days later she gave me a name. Since thousands attended our church, it was no surprise I didn’t have the slightest clue who it was….

Soo I never made the call. How could I ask a complete stranger for the level of help I knew I needed??

Three months later it was my turn to host the wives from our young married class. Someone had invited a guest speaker, but I hadn’t been part of that planning. When I opened the door of our tiny duplex to greet our guest, she introduced herself, and I recognized “the name” I had not called. Wow. 

I may have been chicken, but I was not blind. God personally brought her TO MY DOOR.

But did I say anything to her? Nooo.

SO about midway through her sharing, she mentioned (as a side note) she had begun mentoring a few young wives, about 3 months ago. She had been praying for women to fill the 4 seats at her breakfast table, but only 3 seats were filled….

I had been uncertain about so many things that year, but I was SURE I belonged in that 4th seat.  GOD lovingly prepared a place for me, and held it, every week, even when  I didn’t make the call …. He was waiting, she was waiting….

And this is what I love about Jesus: He knew I was too weak to initiate (that lesson would come later). He all but said out loud, “Here honey, I’m helping you….”

I couldn’t stand it any longer. That night I told her I was her “vacant” seat. I couldn’t believe how delighted she was! and how loving … it made me regret every single week I had missed.

For 5 straight years, every blessed Tuesday morning, I sat at her little round yellow table in her kitchen, where Jesus taught me how to love my bipolar husband.

When I get discouraged (like now) I remember this miracle, and it renews my confidence in God’s loving plans for me and my husband….

… accuser of our brethren has been thrown down,

he who accuses them before our God day and night.

 And they overcame him

because of the blood of the Lamb

and

because of the word of their testimony….

Revelation 12:10-11

 

Hold On, by 33 Miles

 

…a part of my testimony,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized Tagged With:

A Slit Throat

April 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

My husband got his throat slit on April Fool’s Day. No lie.

It was surgery, not a crime. But since it was true (and too good to pass up) I periodically mentioned, “Soo, you’re getting your throat slit on April Fool’s Day, eh….”  I’m pretty sure it did not bless him to hear it as much as it amused me to say it!

For several years doctors had been following a growing goiter in his neck. We mistakenly thought it was related to 30+ years of Lithium use for his bipolar disorder. These days it’s reasonable to assume some side effect is going to show up after long-term use of ANYthing, including soap and water. Turns out Lithium use and thyroid cancer are not related.

Faithfully the endocrinologists checked the growing mass for cancer tumors. Each test returned negative. Until this year, when I was out of town, of course. In fact, his mother’s tests came back positive for colon cancer that very same week. (Two too many cancers.)

The plan was to remove his thyroid gland in addition to the tumors because it was so enlarged. And since we watch plenty of murder/mystery shows, it was not hard at all for me to envision how the surgical knife was going to make the clean slice needed to do the dirty work!

We sat attentively in the friendly surgeon’s office while he listed the possible complications, confidently adding (after each one), “BUT in the hands of a highly trained and experienced surgeon, this is NOT a concern.” If he said that once, he said it 15 times. He thought quite highly of his skills, and since his professional reputation supported his boasts, his confidence put us at ease.

Interestingly, we knew he had another side to his personality. He didn’t realize it (maybe because she is married with a different last name) but our daughter used to be one of his recovery room nurses.  She raised her eyebrows and laughed when we told her who the surgeon was, then proceeded to tell us of his many rampages against nurses, including herself.  She was reassuring though, testifying to his superior surgical skills. She said we would think he was great. She was right.

Although … during our appointment, I did have this urge to say, “Hey – any particular reason why you mistreat the nurses, including our amazing daughter, when you are so ‘highly trained and experienced’??” But when the guy is going to slit your husband’s throat with a very sharp knife, it seems prudent to bring up that issue AFTER he puts the knife down.

Now, if what they say is true (minor surgery is what happens to YOU, major surgery is what happens to ME) this was definitely minor surgery. After all, I wasn’t getting my neck cut. And it was Day Surgery (in after sunrise, home by sunset) with no stitches either – just glue. Ice pack, meds, sleep it off, don’t lift heavy things  … all things considered, how easy can you get?

On the other hand, my husband – who spends every single day of his life trying to manage his mood swings – had some very significant, reasonable misgivings. For starters, if something simple like a cloudy day can push his mood down, what on earth happens when someone removes something so crucial it’s named “The Master Gland” of metabolism??

Not to mention he’s only a year out from a huge manic event, so any change with unknown implications feels risky. With medical sub-specialties compartmentalizing care, is a surgeon watching out for something like mood changes?

I, for one, am glad my husband is actively weighing the impact of events on his moods these days. This means he is not in denial. When he starts forgetting how bad it can be, THEN we have real problems….

It’s been almost one month since that fateful first day of April. There’s a nicely healing scar, and so far no adverse side effects! We’re thanking God for guiding the hands of our “highly trained” surgeon, and for our wise Christian psychiatrist who listens to our concerns and offers constructive feedback during bends in the road like this one….

Post-operatively,

Joan

Contact: Joansjourney@chosenfamilies.org

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized Tagged With:

Black Dog

April 25, 2013 By 9 Comments

“I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.” – Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

At the height of World War II, one of the world’s foremost leaders and the champion of Britain’s campaign against the Nazis struggled with a black dog whose appearance could never be predicted, and whose mastery was never guaranteed. When the “black dog” of his depression appeared, there was little but a gleam of discernible hope preventing Winston Churchill from acting on those drops of desperation. Charismatic, popular, and brilliant with a seeming inability to comprehend impossibility of circumstance, Churchill was later speculated to have been living with bipolar disorder.

He shared the plight of mental illness in common with some of the world’s most luminous minds, including Van Gogh, Beethoven, Handel, Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Sylvia Plath, Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf, Frida Khalo, and Edgar Allen Poe.

I won’t bother to bore you with a more contemporary list of celebrities suffering from mental illness, or more specifically, from bipolar disorder (and there are many). I will only reference a young man with bipolar disorder – Matthew Warren – who rose to ultimate celebrity through his untimely death. At the risk of over-elucidating the need for public awareness and acceptance of those suffering from mental illness, I cite Matt because it seems that within the Church, there are blocks of brethren that persist in wrongheaded notions about mental illness and, beyond that, how to treat their brothers and sisters when tragedy strikes. To quote Frank Viola (Christian Post guest contributor) in his blog likewise referencing the Matt Warren tragedy, Christians tend to fall in one of three camps where mental illness is concerned:

“1. Mental illness is demonic in origin. So the antidote is to cast out the demons that are causing it.
2. Mental illness is psychobabble. There’s no such thing as a “mental disorder.” All so-called mental illnesses are just sinful behaviors. So the antidote is for person to repent and get right with God.
3. Mental illness is a physiological disorder. The brain is a physical organ just like the heart, the thyroid, the joints, etc. Thus if someone has panic attacks or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or chronic depression or ADHD, they have a chemical imbalance in the brain, not dissimilar to a hyperthyroidism or high blood pressure or arthritis.”

My blogs are traditionally long, so I’m going to respond to these philosophies in as little time as possible. Mostly, because I’m trying to remain civil.

1. To say mental illness is demonic in origin shows a patent disregard for Scripture and a misunderstanding of Christ’s mission on earth. Matt Warren had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The Word is clear that one cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24) – a concurrent occupation by both the Holy Spirit and a demon would be impossible. Further, Christ’s mission was not to interfere with the aggregate of human knowledge about the world and to further confuse us in our path to the Father, but to redeem those lost to sin. It would have made no sense for Jesus to actively collude with a primitive misunderstanding of the nature of mental illness by calling it “demon possession,” instead. In Luke 9:1-2, we’re told that Jesus gave the disciples “power and authority to drive out all demons AND to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God AND to heal the sick” (emphasis added). The Bible distinguishes these activities, separating demons FROM illness and disease.

2. To say mental illness is psychobabble – that “mental illness” is just the consequence of sin – is ridiculous. If you sin by cheating the government on tax day, you will feel sadness or guilt. These emotions are proof of a quickened conscience, evidence of the Holy Spirit’s conviction. These emotions actually support the premise that the sufferer has a proximity to God sufficient to elicit them (contrasted with the “seared conscience” referenced in 1 Timothy 4:2 of the one who is unaware or apathetic toward his sin). Even Christ himself experienced sadness – and is described as a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3) So if sadness = sin, then was the entirety of the New Testament wrong about Christ’s freedom from sin? Also, what a cruel Savior we would serve if He brought “mental illness” on everyone who sinned! What of the criminals who’ve done awful things but maintained their sanity? Where is their mental illness? And what of the separate classes of mental illness? The cognitive disorders, such as dementia and Alzheimer’s, and the developmental disabilities, such as autism and ADHD, are included among these. Does it make sense to conclude that these patients are all in sin when (a) their illness would prevent them from even UNDERSTANDING they were in sin? And/or (b) their illnesses (in the case of developmental disabilities) were present from birth? How do you explain the “sin” for the child born with autism? How much sin was my Noah in when he was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 5? And if you’re trying to pass those developmental disorders off on the parents’ sin, that’s not going to fly.

“His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.’” (John 9:2-3)

3. Mental illness is an actual physiological disorder. And the weight of medical, biological, and neuro-scientific evidence agrees with me. If it wasn’t, then the (a) medication used to treat it wouldn’t work, and (b) the MRI’s, FMRI’s, SPECT’s, PET’s, EEG’s and MRS’s used to view structure, electrical impulses and connectivity within the brain would show nothing different for the neurotypical, than for the mentally ill. The last time I checked, demon possession and un-confessed sin weren’t reparable through modern medicine.

It’s because mental illness is an actual, physiological disorder that I was utterly shocked by some Christians across the web, who posted comments after Matt Warren’s death such as: “Suicide happens soon after your [sic] stupid enough to read ‘The Purpose Driven Life;’” and “Poor Matthew denies God’s love with suicide.”

“Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:11)

Did the authors of comments like those above read that passage from James?

I hope I haven’t come across too stridently. But my heart is so wounded for the Warren family, and I am so shocked by the pervasive ignorance and cruelty of some people in the Body that reigning in my tongue proved challenging. The bottom line is that those living with mental illness are struggling with challenges the rest of you – you 75%’ers, you neurotypicals – cannot possibly comprehend. We are told – commanded! – to love the “least of these,” to love our neighbors as ourselves. How much MORE SO ought this to be in the case of the Body of Christ? We who are separate from the world – in the world, but not of it? I urge those who are uneducated about the nature of mental illness to do their research. I urge you to pray for the mentally ill. I urge you to stop your hateful diatribes and lift up in prayer those whose lives are marred by a pain you do not know.

And now, finally, I’ll sign off.

I have to let out the dog.

- Sarah

Sarah@chosenfamilies.org

 

Filed Under: Asperger, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Diagnosis, hidden disability, mental illness, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Living with the Fear of Loss

April 17, 2013 By 2 Comments

God is all you have... what you needLike many believers across the world, I have grieved this week for Rick and Kay Warren.  The loss of their son, Matthew, is beyond sad.  I do not really know the Warrens except through their public ministry but still grieve for them.

In the midst of a wave of emotion I am struck with the reality that part of that grief is a familiar fear. Living with a child with bipolar disorder raises a specter of emotions most parents never even consider. What parent of a typical child has to consider the possibility of their child taking his own life? It is unimaginable, unspeakable. But when you live with bipolar disorder, major depression, or borderline personality disorder, it is a very real fear. It is even a reasonable fear. Sadly, it is a real possibility.

I know living with anxiety and fear is not God’s plan.  Frankly, most of the things we worry about never happen.  I know He wants me to trust Him with the future.  I also know that my husband and I won’t always be there with Jack so trusting God’s abundant care and love for him is critical.  We may be able to protect him while he is in our home but the day will come when he will no longer live with us.  And that day is approaching quickly.

I asked our family counselor years ago how to deal with this.  He reminded me of the scene in the movie, Apollo 13.  You remember this scene?   Here is what our counselor said should be our theme: “Not on my watch.”  We can take measures to protect him today.  We can take steps to prepare him for the day he will feel overwrought and hopeless when we are not there.  We can seek to connect him to a God who loved Jack with His very life.

I know three pastors’ families who have lost a child to their mental illness.  The Warrens are the latest family to grieve this unimaginable loss.  I am confident each of these families did all we have tried to do to protect their children.  It is this reality that raises the specter of fear.  A real fear.  A possible fear.

But ultimately, I have come to the place of accepting that I cannot control this any more than I can control our son’s journey in other ways.  There will likely come a day when he is overwhelmed with his life and considers ending it all.  It will happen no matter what we have done to prepare him.  Ultimately I cannot control these things.

How can we prepare him for that day?  We walk and talk with him about the love of the Father.  We teach him about the great leaders of old, their suffering, and how God used them.  We remind him that God created him for a purpose.

And what about our hearts?  How do we prepare our hearts?

We don’t.  I am sure these beloved pastors’ families who have lost children to their illnesses would tell us there is no preparation for that day.  The only preparation is to walk with God TODAY.  He is here with us.  He never leaves or forsakes us.  And if we ever face that awful day He will be there also.  He will be there with his nail-pierced hands to embrace us.  Just as I am sure He is embracing the hearts of the Warren family now.

This is all I know.  And for today, it is all I need.

Hannah

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia, suicide, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Be Still

January 25, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I was in a peaceful cove of water, deep into a fjord, circled by mountains, hours inside a national preserve. Only a few dozen people wandered the schooner (9 of them my family), when the captain announced a 10 minute “all quiet” as he cut the motor. “No talking…just soak in the sight and sounds of nature….”

At that moment, I happened onto an obscure deck with a PERFECT panoramic view of mountains and waterfalls! Where’s my family?? (For me, a delight is multiplied when I can share it with someone.) SOOO for about 2 minutes (of the 10 “quiet” minutes) I ran through the boat searching for them. I don’t know where they were (it wasn’t THAT big of a boat) but I couldn’t find them … and my joy sagged as I made my way back to the hidden deck. I tried to absorb the view, but by then I was distracted by how LONELY I felt… which sharpened the loneliness I had been feeling for the whole trip. “Jesus, I’m alone again, and it hurts….” The sinful strongholds that accompany hidden disabilities sabotage close moments in my marriage until they are rare and fleeting. (Satan, the predator he is, likes to hijack normal feelings of loss and define my whole LIFE by them.)

I know Jesus cares, but…

It took about 5 minutes of the 10 “quiet” minutes before my soul was still enough to sense God wanting to be with me. Alone. Just me. He wasn’t trying to make me lonely. Or point out my alone ness. He was inviting me into a beautiful moment with HIM. (He, too, finds joy multiplied when shared – that part of me is like HIM.)

So I accepted His offer…

I felt the misty morning fog soak my face … new bird songs sent bubbles of joy through my spirit … I lifted my eyes to the tops of those magnificent mountains … then followed their green slopes all the way down until they disappeared into the cold, unfathomably deep, dark water. I looked up again, this time watching each waterfall, almost in slow motion, cascading down in wavy white ribbons from some unseen rivers of unknown sources inside the mountain. The sum of splashing sounds washed over my sore soul, soothing … smoothing the wrinkles of worry and want.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters (Ps 29).

Like a slow dawn, I realized the Lord’s voice was speaking to me in those waters. “God, You made this thousands of years ago…kept it hidden … it’s almost unreachable … I’m honored to see it.…”

I knew you would come, today,

and I knew you would LOVE it!

Those intimate words, whispered to my soul, wrapped me in love, evaporating my loneliness as the magnitude seeped into my spirit. Creator God handcrafted a magnificent multifaceted scene which He knew I would LOVE. He waited outside of time, for me, in time, to come see what He made! Then He joined me on that deck, as I soaked in all its beauty, by myself, with Him. My soul’s Lover.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters…

The Lord sat as King at the flood; Yes, the Lord sits as King forever.

The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.

Ps. 29:3, 11

Still, Travis Cottrell

Hide me now under Your wing, cover me within Your mighty Hand.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power in quietness and trust.

When oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God.

Be still and know I am God … Ps 46

 

Getting more still,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Emotions, Encouragement, God's presence, mental illness Tagged With: , , , ,

His Deeds

November 26, 2012 By 2 Comments

Oh (Joan) give thanks to the Lord,

call upon His name;

make known His deeds among the peoples (of Chosen Families)….

I Chronicles 16:8

Tonight as I sit by the absolute last embers in the fireplace, watching my college girl scooch as close as possible to those fading embers to stay warm (in true “cinder”rella fashion), I’m reflecting (in a dazed sort of way) on all the things that happened this year – so many things I did not know were coming….

if it were not for God’s deeds on behalf of our family, we would be toast.

For instance, this time last year I did NOT know my husband (in a matter of weeks) would be in a full blown worst-in-twenty-years manic episode.  There are some things I just do NOT need to know ahead of time. God decided that would be one of them.

BUT, I also did not know God would use that episode to help us change doctors and medications — something we had been needing for YEARS. God accomplished those Medical and Marital Deeds through the manic episode.

I did not know, simultaneously, I would have to move an aging relative into assisted living. I’m too sentimental to be good at those kind of decisions…much less during a long manic episode.  But unknown to me, God would do many Moving and Logistical Deeds on my behalf, helping me dismantle and condense 84 years of life and belongings into a single room, in a city 16 hours from where I lived.

Don’t get me wrong – I still felt like God had double booked trials last winter (unnecessarily). But, as can be expected from Omniscience, He knew what was coming the REST of the year, and why that task had to be done THEN. (I thanked Him later). Not only that, but the “double booking” forced my blistered soul to live with elderly saints for 2 weeks, giving me fresh courage to endure the long manic siege.

On a different note, I did not know if my son, with learning disabilities, and ADD (and aversion to all medications) would graduate college last May. It would not have been the end of the world it he had not. But he DID! If you are reading this, you know God did 16 YEARS worth of Educational Deeds to make that happen.

Nor did I have the slightest clue this son would choose a bride this year. You would think, with the bipolar and then some disabilities around here, he would just go take a long walk off a short pier. But no. Because God is merciful, He answered our son’s prayers, and ours, leading him to a Jesus-loving life mate. Even though she lived half way around the world, one of God’s deeds was to make their paths cross!

I wish we had been the only ones with a manic episode this year, but we were not. One  dear in-law suffered as well, disrupting their young family for months, as the long search for the right med blend depleted their resources.  They were just getting some relief when they came for Thanksgiving….

SO…the sweetest moment of Thanksgiving for me was after dinner, when we were taking turns, naming God’s deeds on behalf of our family. It has been a HARD year because of hidden disabilities. But lo and behold, here we were, alive and well (all things considered)…I wept as I listed His deeds….

Thank you, dear Chosen Families readers, for letting me “make known His deeds” to you each week…for understanding what I mean, even when I am not skilled enough to explain….

Dearly Dependent on His Deeds,

Joan

 

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, God's presence, Gratitude, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

10,000 Reasons

July 20, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I am tired tonight.

Lately, there’s been enough back and forth swing to produce unpredictability,  uncertainty, like being swung too high on the swing set. It WEARS ME OUT.

“Look at the horizon” they say, to fight motion sickness.

I need a horizon. And it dawns on me what it is (oh. yeah.)

REMEMBER what the good God has done for us, as in “bless the Lord, O my soul … FORGET NONE of His benefits…”

… and in case I can’t remember them (which apparently I don’t), there’s this starter list…”Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.” (Ps 103:3-5)

This song is helping my tired brain think those right thoughts –

10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman (click the link to listen)

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love and you’re slow to anger
Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness I will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name….

With a tired love,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Challenge, Confession, Emotions, Journey, mental illness, Praise, Uncategorized, worship Tagged With: , ,

Sticks, stones and words…

June 27, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I was grateful for Joan’s post, Admitting Abuse, last week.  She touched on an issue that our family has struggled to address.  Addressing this issue with a child is different than with a spouse.  But I am so aware that how we address this issue in our son’s life will affect how he is as a husband and father one day.

No pressure.

I always try to look at the blessed side of an early diagnosis.  It is sad for your child to have his identity wrapped up in an early diagnosis.  But I have noted two specific blessings.  The first is that he has grown up with meds as part of his life so I don’t fear his deciding one day in his late teens or twenties that he doesn’t need them. There is no question in his mind that he benefits from them.

The other blessing is we addressed some of the early challenges of living with bipolar disorder when he was 1/2 my size.

This particular blessing plays into the follow up to Joan’s post last week.

We confronted the issue of abuse in our home very early.  Jack is the older sibling and in the early days of his journey he could get very out of control at times.  Sibling rivalry is as old as the sun but the level of the exchange can be unusually heated when you throw in unmanaged bipolar disorder.  So those early days when we were trying to establish medical stability were very difficult.  On more than one occasion I had to physically remove this child from his younger brother when he had thrown him to the ground and was assaulting him.

I will never forget a particularly painful conversation after one of these altercations.  When calm had been restored I sat down with my then eight year old son.  I made absolutely clear that if he ever hurt his brother he would no longer live in our home.  Period.  No questions.  No discussion.  This was a hard, fast boundary that was immovable.

It mattered.

What I learned in that moment and the months to follow was the importance of that one very painful exchange.  (What mother wants to ever say this to her beloved child?  How will it affect his security?  How will it affect his understanding of our unconditional love for him?)

The good news is this: It registered.  He heard me.  He understood that I was serious.  And it never happened again.

Oh there were the verbal altercations but there was never another physical altercation like the one that precipitated that discussion.

I am grateful we addressed that early.

But we are still on this road.  We still have to address the abuse issue.  It is just verbal now.

I so agree with Joan that it is hard to know where the lines of sin and disability and choice intersect. Only God understands where those exact lines are drawn.  All we can do as parents is to work to address the issues before us whether we understand all the nuances or not.

So today, we address the verbal issues… the harsh tone, the harsh words, the abrupt interruptions. These we are still working on.

I am told from other dear friends parenting teenagers that they deal with these challenges as well. It is just kicked up a notch when you throw bipolar disorder into the mix.

So here are a few thoughts for those of us parenting children with bipolar disorder and struggling to address the abuse issue in word or deed.

  1. Never allow physical abusiveness.  Ever.  You do not have to tolerate it and the child has to learn other means of expressing extreme emotions.  I have known parents who had to call the police when their teenage sons became physically aggressive.  That is something I have never had to do but have born in mind at moments when it looked like it might become necessary. (Keep in mind my son is no longer 1/2 my size.)
  2. Do not try to address these issues in the middle of a crisis moment.  Be safe. Walk away if necessary.  You don’t have to address every issue at the moment.  But, you MUST address them in the quiet moments that eventually follow. When the remorse comes (and in our experience, it always does) use that moment to continue to teach appropriate responses in those moments of seemingly overwhelming emotion.
  3. Have a backup plan.  Know when to seek help.  We are blessed to be a couple addressing these concerns.  At times I will go to my husband and let him know I need a walk or some other break.  We have learned when one of us asks, it counts as tag – you are in and I am out.  Know when you need to do so. If you are a single parent addressing these concerns, have a couple of people you can call who will come immediately when you do.
  4. Know this is a long road.  I would love to say that we have figured this one out.  But we are still in the process of learning and teaching.  We continue to have to lean heavily into God in the moments of verbal crisis that still occur.
  5. Keep the end in mind.  The end that constantly drives me is the awareness that I want my eventual daughter-in-law and potential grandchildren (assuming they are in our future) to bless us for having addressed this.  When I am tempted to just give it a pass and avoid the conflict, I remember this young woman.  I pray for her.  And I pray for us as we continue to work this challenging area with our son.

I don’t have all the answers.  I wish I did. But I continue to pray for wisdom for us and grace and growth for our son.  God is at work in him and us.  “The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.”  (Psalm 138:8)

His handiwork,

Hannah

Filed Under: abuse, Bipolar Disorder, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Clean-Up

May 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Not long ago I woke up to pounding and hammering – and it was NOT a headache. The house I am living in is being remodeled to make handicap rooms.  (I admire ANYone with the courage to remodel.)  It took a team of grown men just one day to make significant progress – or cause significant damage, depending on your perspective. They left a huge gaping hole where the side of the house had been, with wires and boards hanging open, unconnected, exposed.

But hey, that was nothing compared to the massive corresponding mountain of debris on the lawn. If a giant tornado had ripped open the house, shredded the parts, and dumped them in a pile, I think it would’ve looked similar. What a tangle of rotten boards, good boards, bent nails, old wasp nests – all things fascinating to little boys – torn insulation, siding, drywall, gutters…and things I don’t even recognize! It’s been weeks, and the family is still tediously sorting through the debris, salvaging the good lumber, drywall, which they are using in reconstruction.

Can you picture this? Then you can picture our relationship’s destruction and rebuilding after the tornado of a manic season rips through it.

But you don’t need me tell you this, if you’re living it. What you probably want to know is how we put it back together…….

V-e-r-y C-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y.

I can remember when my husband used to feel that since the destruction was part of his disorder that I could/should just dump all the debris in a box, labeled “manic disorder” –  shelve it, and move on. I tried that.

But somewhere in that debris was our relationship. Though he often does not, I DO remember the words, the tones, the actions, the emotions, MY emotions (if nothing else)… and it’s not always clear to me afterwards, exactly what goes in the “to the dump” box, and what are real issues that need pursuing if we want to rebuild.  (And you can bet I’ve been tempted to put the WHOLE relationship in the dump box sometimes – and so has he!)

I’m not a professional, and this is not Manic Recovery 101. (Someone needs to write that book). This is a simple outline of what we’ve found helps us survive and move on…build character….not walls.

Review: We’ve learned we do have to “recreate/review” the history of the “off” season (as tedious as that is, and as much as we may want to skip over it). It helps each of us understand when things went off the rails…and what we can learn from it, and what we need to throw into the “discard” bucket.  When Paul said, “this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,” (Phil 3:13) he had not skipped over the hard work of assessing his past actions and motives. Like all of us, you can bet he had to walk through the mistrust in relationships that his sins had produced, until trust rooted. (Acts 9:19-27)

Repentance, remorse: There is a level on which it doesn’t matter WHAT caused the 6 inch gash, it still needs stitches. Regardless of what prompted the inappropriate words or actions (sin, disorder, misunderstanding) if something harmful was said or done, repentance and restitution is needed to clear the air. No excuses. It doesn’t mean trust is restored – that takes t-i-m-e. It does mean everyone agrees on what was harmful, what isn’t, and that is how trust can begin. I am helped when someone asks, “what did I do that hurt you (this time)?”  Paul made this observation, “godly sorrow produces repentance to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: what diligence it produced in you….” (II Cor 7:10, 11)  I am blessed to have a man who diligently walks out restitution … which has produced godly character, and healed gashes in our relationship.

Relax: Humor helps! My loved ones with bipolar disorder have great senses of humor, and make good natured jokes about the things they said, or did, when off-the-reservation (as my husband describes it). Believe it or not, it helps reduce the tension for everyone. They lead out in showing the hard times are not a “taboo” topic.  When the meds are stable, don’t neglect the med for your spirits..”a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”Prov 17:22

And did I mention it was tedious? Tediously worthwhile ;) .

Rebuilding,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Manic Mates

May 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Someone wrote a few weeks ago, in the crisis of a manic mate. I could so relate. And here’s what I say, in 400 words or less!,  to any of you waking up to a manic mate:

It is scary when your mate’s mind is so out of control. I know your exhaustion is beyond exhausted. In your mate’s super charged state of energy and thinking, they can mess up things 24/7, faster than you can repair, explain, defend, mediate. You cannot keep up. It’s just not possible.

There are losses happening, and you can’t change that. BUT… God saw this coming, He is in charge of this flood, He is going to hold your head above water and bring good out of what looks like only chaos and destruction. It’s amazing how He does it, but He does. You will see.

This will last longer than you hope, but it will not last forever. That is why they are called BI polar – at some point, they will come DOWN, meds or not. The most important thing you can do is retain your own ability to think clearly, since you are thinking sanely for both of you right now. Let go of everything you can – this is a crisis (though they don’t recognize it).  Get any rest you can. Keep working with the Doctor until you know your mate has come back to their senses.

Get support – you need it. For now, do try to educate the relationships most affected, the best you can. If they don’t get it (which most people won’t) it’s OK. For some very good reason, God is allowing all those people to experience your mate in their manic state. God is working something in their lives, and you don’t have to prevent it, or make it go away for them. You can’t anyway. Educate those who have ears to hear, don’t waste precious energy trying to change the minds/opinions of those who can’t see/accept/understand right now.

And cry. This hurts. Things are being lost, and you can’t see the end yet … neither you nor your mate asked for this. God knows that, and He is tender towards you both right now. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  (Matt. 5:4)

Praying for you, right now –

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Marriage Tagged With:
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