Open for Business

Routine tasks often prove the hardest for my Noah. Tasks of a higher emotional and intellectual input are nearly impossible. This move of ours – wherein we moved a mere 6 miles from our former home, kept all children in the same school, and did it all slowly, as unhurriedly as possible over the course of a month so as to prevent any psychic earthquakes – sent Noah into a tailspin. I should have guessed this was going to be the case. There is only so much cushioning you can give an Aspie when his world begins to change. So, in the wake of the final push of our move, I should not have been surprised that Noah’s behavior fell somewhere between chaos and rage. On the day itself, Noah blasted past us in the foyer, hurtling down to his room, yelling over his shoulder that he had a project he was going to do. That this was his “plan for the day.” Before we settled into our new home, Noah had packed everything from torn posters to bits of tape he’d salvaged from the walls. There were figurines with missing heads, carnival slinkies stretched beyond use, shoes with shredded soles. He was unable to distinguish between useful and superfluous, between broken and functional. Everything that could possibly be thrown away made it into a moving box and came with us. Unpacking this all gave me apoplexy. For an almost 9-year-old, a request to send him to his room to pack his belongings is a natural one. One assumes that there will be some sort of self-governance that eliminates the moving of – for lack of a better term – “junk.” But Noah’s “junk” moving was just the beginning. Once at the house, this “project” of his ate the better part of a day, and I didn’t bother to check its progress because it kept him out of my hair. When he yelled from the bottom floor, insistent that I come see what he’d done, my jaw hit the floor. He opened his closet door to show me this:

Getting down to business.

“It’s my DS store,” he said. And sure enough, on every shelf, Noah had aligned his DS games with cases upright and inserts facing out, just as they are displayed at Gamestop. Now this was a puzzle to me. The boy who packs things like books with missing pages, or plush animals vomiting their stuffing; who throws every lego he owns in a giant box, but tosses the instructions (insuring that he’ll never construct the pieces from the set in their intended way, again), THIS boy had taken the case for every DS he owns and arranged them with the precision of a scientist. WHY? This was also a puzzle to me. All I can imagine – and this is where I must be content to let the questions end (because sometimes guessing is all I’ve got) – is that this was Noah’s way of not only controlling his environment, but controlling (channeling?) his emotions through the precise, repetitive task of touching and working with the familiar things that he loved.

Grace, ever the pragmatist, folded her arms in front of his closet. “Uh, that’s great, Noah. But you have one little problem. Where are your clothes going to go?” We still don’t know. For now, they’re still mostly in boxes on the floor. His room’s a mess, and so is mine. We’re not quite open for business. But we have a little peace.

~ Sarah

Time

[It is] God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. Psalm 18:32 (NKJV)

I am about two weeks behind.

The fall was busy with moving into a new home in mid October, hurricane Sandy, sick children and a nor’easter just heading into the busy holiday season compounded with struggles from my daughter’s sensory processing disorder. Then already behind on Christmas shopping in mid December, I became sick (guessing it was the flu); and despite my best attempts, so did my whole family.

Thankfully none of us were horribly sick, but it did take a full two weeks to feel 100%. So Christmas Eve and Christmas day were spent just our sweet little family to keep the germs to ourselves.  It was very different, but we all made the most of it.

We started celebrating Christmas with extended family on New Year’s Day and again the following weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed each celebration and embraced the joy of the season. And just last week I began doing what I try to do every New Year: reflect on what God has done and ask Him for one word for the upcoming year. Beginning this process (I’m not yet certain on the word) has made me feel like I am finally ready for 2013!

As I have been journaling and reflecting on the past month or so, it occurred to me that what appeared to be behind according to the calendar, was actually on time for me and just what I needed.

While I cannot know for certain, I wonder whether I would have really celebrated and enjoyed Christmas as much if it had been celebrated the same as every year? This past year was NOT like every year for us (a future post or two) and it made sense that our celebration was not the same.

We are not the same people.

So even if our celebrations were on the appropriate days, it would have been different anyway. Trials and tribulations have a way of drawing you close to the Father that forever changes you if you let them.

Realization: I am not behind, but on time according to His schedule as I seek to abide in Him.

On time,

~Lynn

 

Out of the Mouth of a 12-Year-Old

You have taught children and infants to give You praise,
silencing Your enemies and all who oppose You. (Psalm 8:2)

 

They asked Jesus, “Do you hear what these children are saying?”
“Yes,” Jesus replied. “Haven’t you ever read the Scriptures?
For they say, ‘You have taught children and infants
to give You praise.’” (Matthew 21:16)

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions anymore. I admitted to myself a few years ago: I just don’t keep them.

Last year, I tried something different. I asked God to give me a word: just one word, a word from Him for the new year looming before me. It wasn’t a deep yearning or anything. It seemed to be “the thing,” to have a word for the year.

So I asked, sort of haphazardly. I asked God for a word.

The next evening, I took my first walk of 2012. When I walk, I use a phone app to track my distance and my pace, and to play songs in random order while I walk. It’s quite an adventure, really, to not choose the music myself. I like to think of it as God being my personal DJ. I truly believe He talks to me through the music.

The moon was beautiful, and Jupiter was right beside her. The evening sky was still blueish; the night hadn’t stolen all the light yet. I was walking and listening. I was almost home when this Chris Tomlin song shuffled into play. The lyrics absolutely resonated with me. I thought, “Hey! Maybe this is my word!”

Awakening by Reuben Morgan & Chris Tomlin (click to listen)

Wow, right? As I walked, I found myself weeping, lifting my hands and crying out to the Lord.

But wait. There’s more.

After my walk, Michael and I watched The Two Towers in The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. It’s something we do every January or so: watch the extended version of all three movies in a row. In the scene where Gandalf releases King Theoden of Rohan, I started laughing and crying, clapping and hollering, “He’s waking up! Michael, look! Theoden’s awakening!”

Awakening.

Now it’s a year later, and I’m looking back for the awakenings in 2012. I can point to a handful of events, which include my girl maturing in ways I didn’t think I was ready for. (Yes, I’m referring to menstruation. We survived.) But God really brought it home to me yesterday as I was looking through my journal. I have a habit of jotting ideas down on random pieces of paper which I then collect in my journal. When it’s time to write, I look for those ideas to chase. I was looking for a certain set of notes I’d made, but what I found was a handful of Cami papers. I don’t remember specifically when I stuck these pages in my journal. I’m sure I found them when I was cleaning her room. She and I have determined that she wrote the following thoughts sometime after reading six of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, all seven of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, and Tolkien’s four main books about Middle Earth, all in the span of about six weeks. Not only did my girl’s reading ability expand dramatically, but her love for and her knack for telling a good story were awakened.

She said her brain was overloaded with information when she wrote these pages. I know it was before September because the pages are written in all capital letters except for the e’s. Cami changed her handwriting style this fall when she taught herself to write calligraphy. I share the following Cami thoughts with her permission.

INTRODUCTION
The world has just gotten crappy.
Here’s how:
There always seems to be a war going on somewhere, there’s drugs, there’s guns, people hurt one another on purpose, there’s litter everywhere, and where’s the modesty gone?
Have you seen what garbage there is on TV??!!
The world is just. plain. crappy. What more is there to say?
Sometimes, places like Narnia, Hogwarts or Middle Earth seem much more real than real life.

ABOUT WAR
Many boys (perhaps even you) have wished that they could fight in the U.S. Army. But do they really know what war is like?
Have they ever wondered whether or not they would live to see tomorrow?
Have they ever walked out onto the battlefield after it was over: all around, wreckage lay; but even worse, all around people are crying over dead brothers, fathers, sons, friends, and maybe even sisters.
Have they ever dreaded seeing their closest friend among the dead?
No, they have not.

And what about weapons?
Here’s a daffy definition:
“Firearms — a type of metal wand that muggles use to kill each other.” –Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling
I’m glad that there are at least responsible people out there. In war, innocent people, even little kids younger than me, are…killed.

ABOUT TELEVISION
It’s nice to know that there are still good books, and at least some things on TV are still decent.

Many kids, if they want something, they want it right now. And I should know, for I was like that once.
However, maybe everyone should take Treebeard’s advice, even grown-ups:
“We don’t say anything, unless it’s worth taking a long time to say.” — The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien

And what about some of the words used???
Honestly, I forget what half of them are, and I don’t know what the other half mean.
And I don’t want to know.
So don’t tell me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus, television makes smoking cigarettes look cool.
Here’s what I say to that:
Bleck! How do people stand the smell of those things??!!!

ABOUT BEING “COOL”
This part is for kids.

There are two kinds of ways to be “cool”:
1. Wear sunglasses, be agile, etc.
2. This one is chosen much less: to truely be cool, just be…you.
It may not be encouraging that i chose that way, and now I’m considered a weirdo and an oddball, but…that’s because I got caught up in something, shall we say…supernatural.
And no, I’m not a wizard or anything related.
Though, I have found that my life is like that of a hobbit’s in a couple ways:
I’m judged by height, for one.
However, hobbits have a problem opposite than mine.
Someone who doesn’t know what a hobbit is would mistake one for a kid: mostly, they’re four feet tall!
Me, well, some think I’m either a grown-up or a teenager.

When I asked Cami what other ways her life is like a hobbit’s, she added,

People don’t always want stuff to happen to them, but sometimes it happens anyway.
One particular picture comes to mind:
a hobbit standing on his front step, waving his mail at a wizard known for his fireworks, and saying,
“No, no, no, I do not want to go on an adventure!”

Guess what happened to Bilbo next?

An unexpected adventure, that’s what.

When I asked Cami if I could share her thoughts here on ChosenFamilies.org, I told her that her words brought tears to my eyes. She said, “It made you cry? Really? Why?”

“Because I didn’t want you to ever have to know about any of these things.” I began to cry again. She hugged me, and I said, “The truth is, Cami, Daddy and I can’t keep you safe. We have to trust God to do that. And that’s really hard sometimes.”

When Cami wrote down these thoughts last year, Newtown, Connecticut wasn’t in the news yet. Her awakening to the fallen state of our world came through reading quality fiction, books that portray deep-heart truths through made-up stories. Yet even with all our best efforts to shield our precious girl, real life creeps in. We couldn’t hide the Newtown tragedy from Cami even if we wanted to. Her friends in the neighborhood were talking about it. They prayed for the Newtown families in her Sunday school class. Those words she wrote last summer carry the weight of reality now.

When I read Cami’s words aloud to her, I asked her what supernatural thing she got caught up in. I asked her if it was her faith. As I was uploading this post, she handed me another paper, a paper with words written in her beautiful italic calligraphy printing.

Why is there war? Why is there drug abuse? Why do people have to die? Why do people hurt each other? Why?

These are all questions that many people ask. Another question is: Why would God let something like the shooting in Connecticut happen?

I don’t know why either. But I do know this:
God loves us, and He cares about what happens to us. He sees us. He knows what we’re going through.

God even loves the man who did the shooting. Even though that man doesn’t deserve it, God still loves him. In fact, none of us deserve God’s love. Come to think of it, why would God even look at us?

Though we don’t deserve it, God came down in the form of a man, fully God and fully man, and died on a cross for our sins.

So no matter what we do, God loves us.

And oh, how He loves us.

Only God could.

Looking forward to how He works out my word for 2013:  Unhindered.

Cassandra

A Lot to Be Thankful For

This past week included a day our country celebrates Thanksgiving, a day originally set aside to remember how blessed we are and to thank God for those many blessings. The holiday has become about parades with giant balloons, football games, and the obligatory dinner with family. The Virginia Dickerson Family’s traditional Thanksgiving usually ends up being about the food:

  • roasted turkey (we prefer the white meat),
  • cornbread dressing (made with lots of cream-of-chicken soup),
  • homemade cranberry sauce (my heart soars when fresh cranberries appear in the grocery store),
  • one can of Ocean Spray® Jellied Cranberry Sauce (because Cami doesn’t like all the ingredients we put in the homemade stuff),
  • fresh green beans (not from a can!),
  • corn (frozen is okay, but sweet corn is a necessity),
  • roasted zucchini and yellow squash (kosher salt, freshly ground pepper, and extra virgin olive oil),
  • from-scratch mashed potatoes (my husband’s specialty),
  • lasagna (a nod to Michael’s brother David, who doesn’t like turkey so every year, their mom made lasagna to take to Granny’s house),
  • sweet potato souffle (or casserole; the recipe changes every year but must include crushed walnuts, cinnamon, and nutmeg),
  • and, of course, pie (cherry, pecan, chocolate butter, and whatever other kind of pie Michael wants to try and bake).

When we cook all this food, we can’t possibly eat it all by ourselves, so we invite neighbors and friends to join us. Which means I have to clean the house. And figure out where everyone will sit. (We live in a townhouse, so space is always a concern.) And make sure I have containers to send food home with everyone. And, and, and….

As Thanksgiving approached this year, some things in our family were different than last year. For one, I’m on an eating plan that limits my carbohydrate intake to 80-85 grams per day. I wasn’t sure I could be in the same environment as our traditional Thanksgiving feast and stay on my eating plan. Secondly, in years past when our townhouse was packed with people, Cami and I both ended up on sensory input overload which led to my exploding and her imploding. As much as we love the people we invite to our home, all the visiting in one day is not, for us, conducive to a peaceful holiday.

So we didn’t have a traditional Thanksgiving. We took notes from all the Cami’s Birthday Adventure trips and got outta town. We used our hotel points and drove an hour away from home and did some things we’ve never done before. We still celebrated family and blessings, just in a new way. The weekend’s first activity was risky because Cami normally doesn’t like movie theaters. We never go to movies, choosing instead to watch Red Box® and Netflix® videos at home. We tried it anyway. The First Ever Virginia Dickerson Family Thanksgiving Getaway Adventure started by introducing Cami to an activity my family did often way back when.

When I was growing up, the drive-in movie theater was my family’s splurge of the month. The admission price was by the carload, so that made it affordable for a family of four, even one as stretched financially as we were most of the time. I remember wrapping sodas in aluminum foil so they would stay colder. My mom made hot dogs at home and wrapped them individually in aluminum foil so we could eat them during the movie. She spent the afternoon popping popcorn in the big dutch oven on top of the stove, shaking the pot over the burner until she’d filled a brown grocery sack full of yumminess for us to eat later. My sister and I took our blankets and pillows and camped out in the luggage rack on top of our Plymouth station wagon. I saw John Wayne double-features and several Herbie movies at the drive-in theater with my family back then.

This year, the Virginia Dickersons ate our Thanksgiving dinner at the only drive-in movie theater in Virginia. For less than the admission price Michael and I would pay to see a first-run feature, all three of us, including the dog, saw a first-run family-friendly movie and made some fantastic memories. The gentleman at the ticket booth took our admission money and gave us two dog treats for Roscoe. He explained how they were only showing a single feature that evening because they didn’t expect many people, and it was, after all, a holiday. My husband thanked him for being open on the holiday so we could have a family adventure.

Cami and Roscoe stayed in the warmth of the truck while Michael and I sat outside in lawn chairs to watch the movie. We were one of three cars in the entire parking lot. Because there weren’t that many people, we were able to chat with the concession stand workers, all members of the same family who owned the theater. Michael and Cami ate concession-stand food for dinner: hot dogs, french fries, popcorn, ice cream sandwiches, barbecue sandwiches, and mozzarella sticks. I ate three french fries, two handfuls of popcorn, and a bag of Medifast® cereal. We saw a shooting star. It was magical.

Cassandra Freezing at the Drive-In

What was more magical was how much the experience impressed my girl. Later, back at the hotel, she was writing as usual. As usual, I asked, “Cami, what are you writing?”

“A thank-you note.”

“To whom?”

“The people at the movie theater.”

Wow. In spite of all my stumbling and striving to make the holiday comfortable for myself, my daughter gets it. She gets Thanksgiving better than I do. She took the time to write out her favorite moments and say “thank you” to the people who made those moments possible. I’m ashamed to admit it, but we don’t make a practice of writing thank-you cards. Until the last year or so, getting Cami to write anything was more stressful than simply saying “Thank you” aloud to the giver. She decided on her own to write this note.

We drove to the theater on Friday night to deliver the note personally. We expected to see the same sweet gentleman who gave us our tickets the previous night, but it was someone different. When my husband handed over the note and explained what it was, the lady said, “Oh, Jim will be so tickled to have this. He’s been with his wife all day. She’s in critical care. Maybe this note will brighten things a little for him.”

I asked her if Jim’s wife would be okay. “We hope so. We’d appreciate your prayers.”

Jim’s wife was part of the crew that made our concession food on Thanksgiving night.

(On the front of the folded note)
TO: the owners of the Family drive-in thetre (have to work on spelling that word correctly)
FROM: C.M. Dickerson
DATE: Thanksgiving day, 2012
SUBJECT: one of the movies you showed, Rise of the Guardians

(left column)
I never knew that The Easter bunny had two boomerangs and an Australian accent. Weird, huh?

Now I know that I like drive-in thetres!

Great movie,
Great people,
And a shooting star.
There’s a lot to be thankful for.

(right column)
THANK YOU
(paw print, presumably from Roscoe)

Thank You, Lord, for once again using my daughter to remind me of what really matters. Thank You for loading this journey’s seemingly insignificant moments with meaning.

Thankful for so much, my heart can barely stand it,

Cassandra

It’s A Joint Effort

Remember how I told you we unschool?

This school year, we’re adding some structure to our days. Mind you, we aren’t non-unschooling. (Did you like that grammar?) It’s just that I’m not sure how to unschool and still teach math facts and cursive writing.

So I asked the Lord about it. That might sound overly pious, but I promise you: I can’t do what I’m doing with Cami. God teaches her through me and sometimes, in spite of me. No kidding.

Three little verses in Psalm 33 guide my parenting of Cami: “The LORD looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From His throne He observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do” (Ps. 33:13-15, NLT). God made my amazingly complex daughter. He “gets” her, even as her dad and I are clueless. God wired her brain; He designed its “atypical” neural mapping. I stay on my knees before Him, asking Him what to do next because most of the time, I don’t have a clue.

I hear this whispering sometimes, this fear that Cami will arrive at Adulthood and find she’s ill-equipped for whatever she wants to be or do because I didn’t make her memorize her multiplication tables. At the same time, I remember that anxious little girl who couldn’t perform the grade-level-appropriate tasks, who didn’t reach the kindergarten benchmarks, who felt stupid and inadequate and wrong. I remember the tantrums from pure frustration at wanting to please the adults in her world, yet having no idea how to accomplish that feat.

I remember, and I don’t want to go back there.

In the past six years, I’ve watched my girl blossom into this amazing artist-author with a deep heart for Jesus and His causes in her world. Whatever gaps in her knowledge, Cami knows the important stuff because she is constantly teaching me:

  • God is good, and He is for us.
  • All that really matters is how much we love each other and serve the folks around us.
  • Laughing is a necessary, worthwhile activity.
  • There will never be enough books.
  • Everything will work out because God works it out.

As we enter our seventh (!) year of homeschooling, I’ve been asking God one of Cami’s favorite questions: “What now?” I feel Him encouraging me to use all the material that’s stuffed in the closet downstairs—the curriculum I bought every year as I promised myself “This year, we’ll be more organized”, the activity kits friends have given us along the way, the books that are stacked in every nook and cranny of our house. I shared this plan with Cami, and she said, “Yes, ma’am.”

We’re not completely letting go of our unschooling ways. However, I am assigning “schoolwork” from textbooks and giving her math worksheets (one thing I thought I would never do again). Cami is completing those assignments with no resistance. We had structured school time every day this past week, and it went well, even with the comments on the first- and second-grade level worksheets (“Seriously?” written below the monkey dressed like a diamond miner).

I’m planning next week’s lessons and activities with less trepidation than before. However, we both decided Fridays will be No-Math days.  By then, both our brains are tired. Maybe we’ll play dominoes or Pass the Pigs on Fridays.

That counts as math.

I’m so grateful Cami’s education isn’t all up to me.

Cassandra

On Changes, big and small

The times, they are a changin…

Living with hidden disabiities has necessitated many changes in our family.  Many of these changes seem to take effect in the next week or two.

In order to eliminate the travel of my previous job that was taking its toll on my family and on my husband’s health, I started a new job in a completely different industry.   Today was my first day, and my head is swimming!

My kids start public school next week…3rd grade, 6th grade, and 8th grade.  We no longer have the finances for them to attend the private christian school where I’ve worked and they’ve attended faithfully for the past several years.

I am not one to second guess my decisions or regret the what-might-have-beens.  But the sheer volume of changes in our life is overwhelming.

However, the biggest, most life-giving change of all, the one I am most eager to share with you:  I took my therapist’s suggestion and started an exercise program.  I don’t think I could handle any one of these other, larger changes without the physical outlet of exercise.

I want to shout it from the rooftop:  “I feel better!”  In the midst of a crazy, unpredictable season for both me and my children,  I have regained some control and significantly helped my mood through exercise.

Who knew that it would be this easy? (don’t kid yourself; it hasn’t been easy at all!).  But who knew that it could be this simple? I am not writing this blog post to gloat, to motivate others, to make anyone feel guilty (been there), or goad others into cheering me on (though you can if you wish).

In fact, I am ending this post with a letter to MYSELF.  A letter to remind myself how to handle changes, big and small:

Dear Nancy,

I am writing this to you on the cusp of your forty-fourth birthday.  You have had a rough year.  Hidden disabilities and life’s continual changes have left you feeling battered and bruised, overworked and exhausted.  You have sought relief in food, in friends, in family, and in therapy.  You have tried multiple medications to “manage” your moods and your shifting hormones.  But here is the clue … you consistently feel better when you exercise.  Nancy, you say you have no time.  I know that you are busier than everyone you know.  And I know that you don’t particularly  like exercise.  You don’t like to sweat.  But the truth is, you FEEL BETTER when you exercise.  You are less depressed.  You feel stronger.  You feel more in control.  YOU ARE ABLE TO WORSHIP GOD more fully.

Keep it up, Nancy.  Exercise.  It will clear your mind.  It will clear your heart.  It will position you to love the Lord your God with all your heart, strength, mind, and soul.  It will position you to move faithfully in a season of many changes.

As our family moves into a new season of changes and firsts, new environments and changing relationships, I am thankful to God that I can strengthen my body and strengthen my mind to help prepare me for these many changes to come.

Hebrews 12:1 – 2: Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Nancy

Shaken

For thus says the Lord of host: Yet once more, in a little while, I will shake the heavens and the earth and the sea and the dry land. And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the Lord of hosts. Haggai 2: 6-7

See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape if we reject him who warns from heaven. At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken – that is, things that have been made – in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:25-29.

As I mentioned last month I have two major decisions to make. Both of these situations came up the same week; both were unexpected. One pertains to my son’s psychiatrist, as the psychiatrist my son dearly loved retired, and the other pertains to my job, a scary decision for a single mom.

Concerning my son’s psychiatrist, at first we were going to go to someone closer to home but my son really wants to stay at the office where his retired psychiatrist worked.  They have other psychiatrists and nurse practitioners there so it won’t be such a drastic change.  Hopefully it will be an easier transition for him this way so for now we plan on staying there and seeing where the Lord leads.

Concerning my job change, I will know more about that in 2 to 3 weeks so please pray I make the right decision when the time comes. When this first came up I went through a roller coaster of emotions.   The Lord is shaking those things that have been made in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain (Hebrews 12:27.) He wants me to know that He alone is my provider, protector, and deliverer. My trust is to be in Him and in Him alone.  Just as a wife looks to her husband as provider, I am to look to the Lord as my provider/protector, since He is my Husband.    I am excited to see what happens and I will share that with you the next time!

One more thing, the Lord has led us to an amazing church.  They love people, mental illness and all.  The Lord provided AGAIN.

Do not fear, only believe.  Mark 5:36

Lord Jesus, I believe.

Gabrielle ~

Of College and Comfort

I am sitting in a hotel room in a college town, USA.  My son, the boy-man child of my youth, is sleeping on the sofa bed.  I am wildly aware of the race of time as we look at colleges for 18 months from now.  Rocking this baby seems just days ago and yet many years.  I know this is a common mother experience.  For that I am grateful.  Many of my experiences have not been common so the ones that are invite a mixed response.

My Bible reader, the fancy electronic kind, won’t connect to the internet this morning … “weak connection” means no Bible reading so I pulled up the internet on my computer, longing for a good word today. The verse of the day is from Ephesians 1 and I decide to read the chapter.

Wow.  What a chapter, filled with rich doctrine – the heady stuff I could spend hours pondering.  But more. This morning, this Mom needs a verse for my HEART – not heady stuff.  My Mom heart needs to hear from God’s heart this morning.

And I read this from verses 3-9: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He lavished on us.  In all wisdom and insight 9 He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him….”

I am captivated by the heart words this morning.  Do you see them?  “In love…”, “…according to the kind intention of His will…”, “…which He lavished on us…”, “…according to His kind intention….”

I am strangely comforted by this.  It is, after all, the passion week.  I am reminded daily this week of the overwhelming sacrifice God made in Christ because of His love for us – for me, for my son.

I can trust “the kind intention of His will.”  I can trust the grace “which He lavished on us.”

He has a good plan for this boy-man.  It will become clear in time.

~ Shannon

Underground

I am ashamed of myself. Today, the swells of desperation and fatigue swept me under, and I again found myself saying and doing things around my children of which I am not proud. I’ve been told I’m a good mother. I fight the urge to say, “Really? You should see me when I’m at my wits’ end. I’m an utter fraud. Stay a while. I’ll prove it to you.” I’ve lain in bed at night wondering what my children will someday say in a therapist’s office in 20 years.

I’m reminded of what Paul wrote in Romans about his own struggles with self-control: “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” (Romans 7:19)

Can a sister get an amen?

Let me further expound. My husband and I have come to realize that without intending it, we’ve begun to somehow “favor” Noah. We favor him by the attention he gets – the attention that congregates in therapies, and discussions, and moments of correction. It piles high in one-on-one outings, quiet cuddles to calm his nerves, special equipment to ground him. We are doing it with the best of intentions, but we are doing it with a blind eye toward our other children.

I learned this from Jesse. Who, as it turns out, will have none of it.

Jesse’s terrible two’s might rattle the nerves of Genghis Khan. His convictions are more iron-clad, his speech more insubordinate than that of any child I’ve known. I’m convinced he has an adamantium skeleton. But today, at our Mommy and Me class, it was just the two of us. There was no diversion of my attention. I held him in my lap, kissing his exposed ears and pointing things out in the story we were sharing. What did I get from him? A child of an entirely different personality, accompanied by “Oh, sank you mama! Sank you so much!”

My eyes welled with my own gratitude, and embarrassment. I’d dropped the ball.

I’m possessed of an auspicious ability to self-deprecate, which, come to think of it, makes my “short comings,” really more like “long comings.”   So, when I think I’ve failed – particularly in a matter as critical as raising my children – it sends me further underground. Can I salvage enough days, and reverse enough damage to make them happy? Because that’s my job, right?   To make them happy.

Not exactly. Nowhere does Scripture speak of ensuring our children’s amusement, or entertainment, or protection from life’s manifest difficulties. It doesn’t talk about the creation of a “Neverland” experience replete with balloon lunches, ice cream days, chocolate dinners, or circus nights. If it did, we’d have a bunch of obese clowns running around.

What it says is that we are to train up our children in the “way they should go.” (Proverbs 22:6) It says we’re not to exasperate them, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) I endeavor here to try not to exasperate. I vow to bring in peace as much as possible, and instruct them well. Apart from that, I will take the blessing of each new day. I will take another rotation on a giant, unseen axis that provides a clean slate, and eyes that open to my two year old standing bedside with lifted arms, waiting for me to pull him up and under the covers. I get another day to feel his unconditional love – God’s love, through him – and try my best to get it right.

- Sarah

Acceptance – The Final Stage

It’s surprising to me that I’m still stuck here, camping out on the outskirts of acceptance. I already thought I’d moved through this stage – in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011.  *Ever since his diagnosis in the Fall of 2007, I seem to mark my years from one Fall to the next.*  We took him in for evaluations; we knew something had to explain his struggles. But it still came as a shock when they said, “he has autism”.

I just can’t believe I’m still dealing with acceptance. I’ve been through this. I’ve had the heart to heart with my husband, every year.   I’ve admitted, “it’s not going away” – as much as I dreamed and hoped it would.  It looks different now than it did when he was three, and that’s a major part of the struggle – never knowing what next year will bring for him and how it will affect him.

But why do I still ask myself – will it go away … someday?

The problem with still asking myself that is twofold. It delays true acceptance, which I thought I had but the opposite keeps rearing its ugly head. And it means my children, my family, are living in a holding pattern. This is so complex, it’s hard for me to even approach it via a blog. It’s just not as simple as … tell him, the knowledge will help him own it, will help him to better understand himself, and it’ll help his siblings to be more understanding. Oh sure, that’s the neat and tidy happily-ever-after ending to this situation. But I don’t have fairytale kids. I have REAL kids. What if it all blows up in my face? Older brother becomes less understanding, more condescending? What if my son with autism spirals into a state of pity? What if he thinks less of himself because now he really understands why his sister, four years younger, is doing and saying and understanding some things that are still hazy for him?

There should be an emoticon (one of those cute email smiley face emotions) for sighing. Insert Emoticon: Mom, tired from always worrying about an unknown future for her child. I used to appreciate the puzzle symbol for autism. I still do, it speaks volumes. But I also loathe it. It kills me that I have no idea how autism will affect him as he grows, how it will present in his life.

I am thankful I have God walking ahead of me, and my Owen, and the peace that comes from Him alone. But the struggle remains daily …  accepting this life and the unknown that comes with it, forever.

Kara