Job Success for This Aspergian

My friend, John, a top executive in a major American firm, was asked months ago by a church acquaintance to grant an “information interview” to a young man with stellar academic credentials. Assuming the request was, in fact, an effort to encourage opportunity and connections for a recession-stalled job seeker, John agreed.

Within seconds of encountering young Jeb (we’ll call him), John spotted issues. “It was like talking to a waterhose – he hardly paused for breath,” reported John. While intelligent, Jeb seemed “too determined to prove his brilliance” in an off-putting manner.

John’s firm happened to be locked in a hiring freeze, “but even if we weren’t, I couldn’t in good conscience hire someone who seemed likely to unnerve colleagues, sapping their energy with significant social radar issues. We’ve learned the hard way how much a single personality can demoralize many others, reducing their quality of life and ultimately the corporation’s bottom line.”

As it happens, it was my son, Henry, who helped rescue job-hungry Jeb. Henry’s Aspergerish monologues, IQ exhibitions and social miscues are well known to John. But John also sees Henry’s endearing qualities and ability to far out-produce others when the work focuses on his passions.

Thanks to Henry, the executive was motivated to consider multiple angles on this job candidate. Jeb’s social klutziness actually stirred sympathy and intrigue in John, who suspected he was viewing a Henry clone. Secondly, Jeb claimed to thrive on the very research essential to John’s firm, and his tsunami focus on the subject demonstrated, in fact, unusual knowledge. Thirdly, Jeb could be paid as a short-term consultant, as allowed even with the hiring freeze. Fourthly, a professional on staff offered to serve as Jeb’s mentor. These factors helped dilute Jeb’s liabilities.

But the bottom line, reported my executive friend, was his mental image of Henry, in whom he sees enormous potential in Asperger packaging. John is deeply gratified when others give his young friend, Henry, opportunity to grow and produce.

And so, John offered Jeb a contract as an independent consultant for research purposes. In and out of the office, collaborating with staff, reporting his research, Jeb quickly proved his mettle. Yes, the staff was confronted with an unusual personality that took some “getting used to.” But they’ve warmed to him. They’ve recalibrated. They’ve opened their hearts. They like him.

And what a researcher. Ole Jeb is a workhouse with such a passion for subjects essential to his adoptive firm that he has definitely gained traction for the future. If the job-freeze thaws, he would be well positioned now for a formal position within the firm. If that’s not feasible, he’ll gain stellar, heart-felt, convincing recommendations for other opportunities.

All because an executive exposed to a young Aspergian, and loving him, had eyes to see the gold in this breed. As for Henry – he has proven quite an effective Aspergian advance man.

This is a story worth sharing with gatekeepers of jobs and opportunity. The acquaintance who requested an interview for the young adult Aspergian wedged the first little crack in the door, a small opportunity. The employer’s prior exposure to both Aspergian assets and difficulties offered a little more wind under the wings. Finally, a compassionate heart and some creative thinking transformed another potential Jeb rejection into a zone of growth and acceptance.

Yes, there was some risk for the employer. But he discovered that a modest price paid at one end can produce a truly priceless payoff at the other. And such investments can return dividends that enrich not only the bottom line, but interior “virtue banks” of those willing to make an effort.

Just ask John. He’s quite pleased with himself that by doing good he also has done well not only for his firm, but for his own heart. John feels personally enriched by payoffs he sees in multiple lives after giving a break to a young Aspergian.

The Accidental Jokester

Humor is a funny thing. (You like what I did there?)

I realized recently that humor is one of the most unique of human expressions. It looks so much like something we’re born with: there are the funny people, and the un-funny people; the jokesters and the straight men. In truth, we learn humor. We acquire it over years spent in its practice and appreciation. A sense of irony, sarcasm or comedic timing isn’t necessarily an innate possession. And for the Aspies among us, none of these come easily – if at all.

For example, we learned the hard way not to use common figures of speech around our son, Noah. He was particularly troubled by “eyes in the back of my head.” So convincing was this colloquialism that he maintained a healthy perimeter around me at all times, striving for his best, least compulsive behavior because he was certain a ghoulish pair of peepers lay buried somewhere beneath my hair. “It’s just an expression,” we told him. (He’s now quick to use this phrase himself, but is sure to clarify for anyone listening, “Now remember, it’s just an expression!” Even this clarification is inherently Aspergian – his own mind-blindness prevents him from understanding that others ALREADY understand this figure of speech. As far as he’s concerned, the only true perspective is his own – even ignorant – one.)

Some of our earliest struggles with Noah involved his difficulty in distinguishing between when people were laughing because he’d said something funny, and when they were laughing to mock him. Whereas my daughter Grace is a card – gestures, postures, funny faces and slapstick – Noah is the accidental jokester. His inadvertent humor and its resulting laughter often startle him.

Case and point:

“I miss my five-year-old self.”

“I was born flapping.”

“It’s my destiny to bother Grace.”

Mom: “Noah, there are shavings all over your floor. Did you take the guinea pig out?” Noah: “I tried mom, but it was too risky.”

And one of my favorites: We are sitting on the pier in Duck, North Carolina enjoying an early dinner on the eve of Noah’s sixth birthday when two canoes cut the water in front of us, quick and silent as two minnows. Noah, given over to some particularly pressing galactic memory begins a recitation from “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” and raising a hand to the canoeists, proclaims, “Greetings! We come in peace, though we know you are from a warring planet!”

I think I spit cream of crab out my nose.

But for as many peals of laughter as he elicited, many tears were also shed. “You’re making fun of me!” he would wail. “Why are you laughing?!”

Let me assure you there is nothing so unpleasant as the pendulum sensation of swinging from amusement to anguish in four seconds flat. To feel as if you’ve emotionally battered your child simply by laughing at what you believed to be his intentional joke is about as loathsome as it gets.

We had to explain to Noah the subtleties of irony and sarcasm, what it meant to wait for a punch line, what a figure of speech was and how to identify one. Though I’m not one to trumpet its benefits, a great deal of Noah’s understanding came from watching television. Listening to jokes and laugh tracks – even watching his sister’s squeals of glee during “Phineas and Ferb” helped him better grasp what it meant to appreciate humor, and to be funny.

We now take Noah’s witticisms as an opportunity to remind him that laughter is not only good for the soul (Proverbs 17:22), but that the Lord has developed in him a wonderful sense of humor which is a blessing to others. “That was funny, Noah!” “You cracked us up!” To which he stiffens and flaps with glee – for Noah, about as happy as it gets.

- Sarah

Professor Fletch teaches Worship 101

The Syllabus

In the year 5 B.K. (before kids), I relished the thought of leading my family in worship. Now that Brenda and I live in the year 13 A.K. (after kids), I realize my dismal performance in this regard. My disappointment is complicated by Fletcher’s inability to sit non-disruptively while I assume the mantle of family worship leader (I long ago quit attaching the term “quietly” to our little man.) Since corporate family worship is nearly impossible, I am continually searching for creative ways to obey Deuteronomy 6:4-9:

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

As such, in my zealous pursuit of obeying this directive, I often lose my teachability. Instead of a festive leader of family worship, I tend to act like the Foolish Old King of Hardin Manor (Ecc. 4:13). I get so entangled at being the expert teacher on “all things spiritual” that I tend to overlook the fact that God may have some things that He wants my son to teach ME. It is at this point that I first encountered Professor Fletch.

The Lecture

My unexpected lesson began as I dutifully pounded on the keys of my laptop while Fletch played on our living room floor. Taking a break from this all-encompassing task, I suddenly remembered that I had recently downloaded an album by Christian singer Derek Webb.

Without much thought, I accessed the download and selected a song that sounded interesting. As the song started, Fletcher beamed with excitement. He giggled, jumped up, pulled me from my seat, and insisted that I “dance” with him. As we rocked back and forth to the beat of the music, I sensed a joy in his heart. He “spoke” to me through giggles, grins, and a pleasant gaze that reminded me of someone trying to place the name and face of a long lost friend. I remember thinking, “Now if Jesus would just show up, this experience would be complete!” It was at this time, that Mr. Webb sang the following stanza:

When I stand on the edges of Jordan,
With the saints and the angels beside,
When my body is healed and Your glory revealed,
Still I can boast only Christ!

The Lesson

There it was! Jesus did show up. Here is what He taught me through my little maestro:

1. One day…Fletcher and I will stand on the far side of the Jordan and we will talk face-to-face about the Wonderful Savior who pulled us out of the river.

2. One day…Fletcher’s body, as well as mine, will be completely healed and there will be no vestiges of the ailments such as autism and tone deafness that currently plague us.

3. One day…Fletcher and I will gather with our redeemed family members and collectively worship the Lamb for eternity.

4. But this day… I need to boast of how Christ can take a little boy with autism and use him to lift his father’s affections to a point that his foolish, proud and off-key heart sings:

Praise the LORD!
Praise the LORD from the heavens;
praise him in the heights!
Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts (Ps. 148:1-2)!

The Homework

So goes my first lesson in Professor Fletch’s Worship 101. As we part, I encourage you to search for ways that your special child can teach you special lessons about your special Savior. As parents, we often teach Deuteronomy 6:4-9 with the hope that our youngsters will ascend to our level of spiritual maturity. After this experience with Fletcher, I have found that it will take much more of his mentoring before I can hope to scale the heights of his love for Jesus. Perhaps that is why God gave him to me. As you think of your child, could this be true for you too?

~ Todd

Marriage Inoculation Starts with “Z”

Decades of research and eyeball-to-eyeball clinical encounters with adults lead to a conclusion about marriages. Many would be not only salvaged but dramatically upgraded with one act alone: zip the lip.

So treacherous is disdainful, contemptuous, critical speech that one researcher, after monitoring couples for as little as five minutes, has predicted with 91% accuracy those headed for divorce.

Personally, I’ve observed too much in clinical settings to doubt that claim.

“I should never have married you!”
“You are such a loser!”
“You’re a lousy dad.”
“What a sad excuse of a mother.”
“I never loved you.”
“You’re just like your mother.”
“You’re so like your dad.”

How spirit-curdling are such words. As if chemical bomb clusters on a time-lapsed, repetitive detonator, they linger for decades as if just spoken. Such verbal assaults seep to the core of the target, then migrate through neural, cardiovascular and immune systems, often mortally wounding the marriage.

That’s not figurative. Conflicted couples literally become sicker physically and shorten their lives by an average of four years, as noted by renowned researcher John M. Gottman, Ph.D., in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Words as weapons do not just cripple spouse and child personalities, but like acid, corrode our own souls. One major reason for this: hate-speech defies laws of creation, trampling on mandates of the God in whose image we are made. He says, “zip it.”

Yes, that’s a paraphrase. Here are some more for contemplation:

Push your “pause button” to avoid looking worse than a fool, Proverbs 29:20
Harsh speech is a weapon rooted in our own pride, Proverbs 14:3
Violent speech reveals inner evil, Proverbs 10:6, 11

So how can we gain greater control of our speech? A major tip from the ultimate source: don’t count on self-control (James 3:8).

Those who seek a heart-to-heart relationship with God are the ones who gain wisdom generating such personal virtues as peace, gentleness, mercy, approachability, impartiality and authenticity (James 3:17). Because speech is produced by our inner nature (Proverbs 16:23), a wisdom infused personality:

• Produces words that enhance safety and inoculate from danger, Proverbs 14:3
• Moderates mood and temper, Proverbs 29:11
• Leverages influence not only at home but far beyond, 16:13

Even better news is this bonus: we are promised that wisdom offered by God will literally prolong our lives (Proverbs 9:10-11). No wonder, as wisdom calibrates our inner nature and communication, as well as relationships that profoundly impact our health and well-being.

What better day than today to apply a gentler, healing touch to treasured marriages and families? Ironically, this divinely win-win-win strategy also serves as a potent act of self-love.

~ Bev

Nine Relationship Tips From an Aspergered Marriage

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”   Proverbs 27:12

I was surprised several years ago that a passing focus on Asperger Syndrome (AS)  during a Christian radio show on family relationships generated more audience response than any major theme of the program.

“My sister-in-law and I married brothers with Aspergers,” was the gist of one such  e-mail. “We’ve formed an Asperger spouse club to support our marriages to the men we love!”

Why such a club? Before realizing that they married partners with atypical neurology ill-equipped to reason or “see” as others do, spouses of AS personalities often grow bitter or despondent with a sense that they are glued to self-centered narcissists.

No wonder they think “narcissist!” The Asperger Syndrome personality is wired for:

  • Self focus
  • Rigidity: my way and my highway
  • Obsessive routines: same food, clothes, entertainment, hobbies and focus day after day – resistant to others’ influence
  • Blindness to others’ thoughts, hopes, desires, disappointments, aspirations, embarrassment or joy
  • Affection deflection: neither offering nor receiving affection well
  • Common sense failure tied to major inductive-deductive reasoning gaps
  • Social fiascos that baffle the AS personality while humiliating the neuro-typical partner

When it comes to matters of heart, mind and spirit, however, major differences  emerge between narcissists and Asperger personalities.

Research and my own clinical observations suggest AS types become more tender hearted, conscience sensitive and relationship responsive as small or major epiphanies gradually increase their awareness of social and relationship realities. But thoughtful strategies are essential at both ends of an AS marriage to minimize stress and maximize satisfaction.

Intriguing insights into such strategies come from – where else? – an Aspergered marriage of committed partners focused on mutual accommodation. In her book Pretending to be Normal, Liane Holliday Willey describes steps she and her husband have
taken to minimize fallout from her Asperger Syndrome patterns.

Asperger Strategy

  • Delay natural AS impulses or responses, which are likely to cause confusion or anger in others: ““Slowly, at a snail’s pace, I am learning to question my actions before I make them,” notes Liane, who believes she has emerged from the autistic spectrum to a more “ordinary” place
  • Borrow “social eyes” from others. Trusting her husband’s care and judgment, Liane reports “like a seeing eye dog, he leads me to safety each time I let him.”
  • Ask for affection radar. Liane asks her husband, Tom, “to tell me when and if he needs more from me than he is getting.”
  • Make a “to do” list of “social glue” behaviors that are unnatural or difficult for the AS personality: “I make lists that tell me how to act,” reports Liane, including “hold Tom’s hand for five minutes every day; hug Tom three times today.”
  • Allow others to feel typically about atypical AS behaviors: Liane affirms her family’s right to be “unhappy with my behavior, embarrassed by my reactions or even horrified by my conversations,” seeing this as both a radar and attachment enhancer.

Spouse Strategy

Through Liane’s eyes, her husband Tom appears to embrace the following AS relationship tools:

  • Patience, flexibility, empathy and objectiveness. Such traits are less strategy than a state of being for spouses who seem to congeal best with an AS partner.
  • Common interests. In this case, Liane and Tom both found enrichment and employment in academic settings that, as a bonus, offered a “quiet and calm” that “became our glue.”
  • Replay button: Restate opinions or complaints in multiple ways until the rigid, black and white AS reasoning grasps what the spouse means, not what the AS personality initially “hears”
  • Embrace AS realities. Tom “never missed a beat when he discovered I was different,“ reports Liane. His “you are so weird” statement actually felt endearing to her, as he affectionately acknowledged differences that are real, but do not trigger detachment, resentment or rejection.
  • On the other hand – challenge AS realities: “He keeps me safe. He reins me in. He lets me know if I am wandering too far in my thoughts or carrying on too long….”
  • Take in stride inevitable AS social “hiccups” – sometimes convulsions. Liane celebrates Tom’s calm acceptance, for example, if she feels compelled to flee a noisy crowd or makes a social blunder.

Atypical personalities and their partners face the same issues as everyone else – but in greater doses with stiffer challenges.  As in all relationships, they will either prudently examine risks to find safer shared refuge in each other’s hearts, or imprudently drift into mutual treachery (Proverbs 27:12).

Marriage and family shifts often start with one person – not a committee. Are you up for a challenge? How about a 30 day commitment (or longer) to nine principles explored here, asking God to enrich, and even heal, marital and family relations? Better yet, ask a friend to join you in the challenge, seeking God’s blessing as you nurture commitments sacred to him.

Nine Marriage Warmup Tips

  1. Ask for affection radar:  what revised actions or attitudes would make your partner’s heart happier? (Have smelling salts handy if this is a U-turn.)
  2. Review annoying traits: choose to accept some as the inevitable imperfections of human existence.
  3. Move to accommodate some differences that you’ve resisted.
  4. Restrain and limit critiques and other negative responses that fuel stress, assure a chronically toxic atmosphere, exacerbate frustrating dysfunctions, sabotage health and even shorten life.
  5. Identify partner strengths that are taken for granted, minimized or lost in the fog of wounds and resentments – traits others would celebrate in a spouse.
  6. Express gratitude for specific strengths – even with a touch of remorse for stinginess in the affirmation department.
  7. Regardless of a partner’s behavior, catalog your own contributions to conflict, coldness or stagnation: confession, even internally and to God, is good for the soul, softens the spirit, and is intuitively recognized by others as an appealing, often compelling, shift.
  8. Explore ways your heart can be more of a garden and less of a desert for those around you, then savor sweet relationship fruit produced in a climate-controlled environment.
  9. Pray that others will do the same, without playing God or conscience – which tends to backfire.

Shrinking a Communication Minefield

Entering the lecture hall, the renowned academic manned the podium – then waited. The audience also waited while two young men front and center continued an animated conversation. Sixty long seconds ticked by as the oblivious pair stalled the lecture.

Appalled, I shrunk in my seat at the back of the crowd, and would have been truly mortified had anyone known my family. The lead stalling culprit was my son, chatting away everyone else’s time and patience.

What an impression on the speaker and others. Henry definitely seemed highly inconsiderate – more likely to others, like a self-centered jerk.

Never having seen him in such a situation, I was truly stunned but also knew that Asperger Syndrome (AS) had struck again. With hobbled social radar, the AS personality is “mind blind” to others, failing to see what may be obvious even to young children.

The setting became a showcase for AS cognitive and communication traits. Overly self-focused AS personalities can exhibit superior verbal skills made painful to others through excessive, egocentric speech. Long, loud monologues often continue long after dull-eyed listeners check out. In this way, the AS brain is all accelerator and no brake.

Henry fell into additional Asperger traps in that lecture hall – a situation that was both “new” and “group” – factors tending to stimulate socially toxic AS responses. AS personalities also tend to be oblivious to social status or authority: Henry had as much freedom of speech as that prof, now didn’t he? Well, yes. But the audience arrived to hear a Ph.D. wax eloquent, not to listen to teenage musings. The AS deference failure can alienate influential people needed to open doors, or for that matter, to drop a marginal grade on the better side of the line.

Gently, I raised the subject later, asking Henry if he noticed when the professor arrived.

“No,” said Henry, which I believed.

“So, you didn’t see him waiting while you continued conversation?”

“No.”

“And you didn’t notice two-hundred people watching you delay the speaker?”

“No!” exclaimed Henry, anxiety surging as reality sank in.

“So this is the first impression you made on people in that room. You probably seemed selfish and rude to them, which I know is not you,” I said, risking current pain to inoculate Henry against worse pain later. “You’d be smart to look around in group situations, making sure you don’t block other’s desires unless you want to make yourself radioactive and isolated.”

Through repeated “social radar upgrades” from devoted family and friends and from agitated peers or teachers, Henry has honed his personal danger alert system. We’ve seen major modulation of long, loud monologues on favorite subjects, fewer alienating arguments to prove superior intellect, and less resistance to others’ views. He is gradually deactivating a communication minefield alienating to others and treacherous for himself. This slow process requires patient, repetitive coaching. But there are major payoffs – including more social traction, rewarding relationships, job opportunities and better quality of life.

And, of course, brighter prospects for Henry’s future.