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It’s Not Working

January 27, 2012 By 2 Comments

These last few months have been a real bummer in our marriage. Not exactly the uplifting words you’d like to see?  Me either. But it’s the truth. At the moment.

My husband was experiencing severe fatigue, and after a bunch of tests, it seemed perhaps his meds needed to be lowered. These would be the meds that keep him from going into inner or outer orbit, mood-wise.  When my husband gets off kilter, his perceptions get distorted and he feels I am targeting him, disrespecting him. Actually, it’s the reverse. And it’s bad. SOOO, my protective husband explained to the doctor that we (marriage wise) were doing really well and he did NOT want to jeopardize that. I thanked Jesus as I heard those insightful, sheltering words.  My dear man was doing what he could, while clear headed, to protect me. It’s been a long journey to get here. We all discussed this quite sanely, in the doctor’s office, and then proceeded to start the experiment.

I’m thinking, of course, “we’ve gotten pretty good at this – I’ll just give a little bit of feedback, if needed, we’ll course correct, and that’s that.”  Although,  I know, from experience, that if I miss that little window – where he’s off course, but still able to absorb my input – the only way he’s going to figure out things are not working, is when the plane crashes and burns (our marriage). But hey, sometimes there just aren’t any GOOD options….

Of course, during this, there was this huge deadline at work piled onto the daily international drama … and then two major holidays, lots of travel, and somewhere in the mess, it got harder and harder to connect. I tried the usual “reconnect” relationship stuff – (you cannot BELIEVE how many marriage seminars we’ve been to) — And I said the various things I say, like, “Hm, wonder if meds need changing?” I jumped up and down to force a bit of time off for the holidays. I tried to rule out everything else (including my own stuff) before confronting him with the dreaded words: “Honey, I think you are a little hypomanic.” Too late.

I bet there’s not a bipolar out there who wants to hear those wing-clipping words, and who LOVES the person saying them. At these times I feel like the ground crew at the airport, trying to wave off the crash landing of a jumbo airliner  –“Flight 29 Heavy, wave off!” (and let’s just be clear – anytime the head of the home crashes, it’s jumbo size.) Once the crash is over, and they clear the debris, there I am, a greasy spot on the runway.

If there was a window back there, I missed it. Let’s just say, there’s been a partial crash landing (yes, it can be partial) and the fire trucks are rolled out, pouring water on the flames. God’s family has been my dear medics, bandaging my burns. Of course, we will go back to the original med doses, and reconstruct. I’m not a cussing woman, but here’s where I’d cuss if I did.

After sobbing for a few hours last night, I rolled over this morning. My Bible was lying next to me, where my husband should’ve been this last week. All I could moan was, “I gotta have a WORD from You.” It was open to Isaiah 25.

“I will give thanks to Your name (no, I’m not there yet)

for You have worked wonders (no “wonders” around here),

plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. (this is “perfect”??)

For You have been a defense for the helpless (yes … that’s true, I am helpless to stop this … but it’s true, You have defended me before),

a defense for the needy in her distress, a refuge from the storm, a shade from the heat…(“yes, yes, yes, yes” to needy, distress, storm, heat)

He will swallow up death for all time (even death of my dreams), and the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces. (that’s an intimate, tender visual – You close enough to my face to use Your fingers to personally wipe away my streaming tears)

And it will be said in that day (which can’t come soon enough), “Behold, THIS is our God for whom we have waited that He might save us. THIS is the LORD for whom we have waited….”

Is 25: 1, 4, 8, 9

Waiting,

Joan

Filed Under: Bible, Bipolar Disorder, Conflict, God's presence, Grief, Marriage Tagged With: , , , ,

LD Boomerang

December 9, 2011 By 1 Comment

“A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.” Prov 18:19

The last couple of days have been painful. The cry-in-the-bathroom-where-no-one-can hear-you-kind of pain….but it’s not been all pain. In fact, I’ve just had one of the most amazing indirect boomerang kind of blessings – a direct result of one of my children’s learning disabilities.  If I can make it even slightly coherent, I want to share it because Jesus is so intricately amazing! In fact, Jesus is such a relief to think  about … He never misunderstands, is never impatient, never assumes the worst, never blames. He does not get distracted, and He does not discourage.

First, the backstory. I’ve hurt this year as a long term friend broke ties because of misunderstandings. And ministry was involved. (Yeah, this not the blessing part.) I’ve mourned, asked forgiveness, gotten counsel, spoken truth, sought restoration, asked the Lord for healing … but from what I can tell, the relationship is dead until Jesus resurrects it.

Complicated relationships are not new to me … hidden disabilities are spelled c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d.  But even with all “that” experience I’ve been beyond confused. What were my choices? Did I miss what Jesus wanted from me? What were NOT my issues? My Christian friendships are usually a steady arena for me. My brain was TIRED of it.

In a completely UNrelated event, one of our college kids came home for fall break (a misnomer for LD kids) totally snowed under with reading. I offered to skim a few skinny texts with thick words on ethics. How hard could it be to highlight the main points, and be a study partner?? Besides, Life is a constant study on ethics. Now granted, I’ve not made that offer to one of my college kids before … and I have to say, some 40 hrs of intense read-re-read-every-word-and-sentence-later, bogged down in “secondary causes and essential beings”  I wondered what possessed me to jump in the deep end.

BUT (and here’s the stunning part) in those two weekends of study and dialogue, the Lord systematically, logically, clearly, framed the whole confusing year of my hurting relationship, dividing into decision trees the critical junctions we had faced, helping me clarify my core values (personally and in ministry), pointing out my inconsistencies, while reinforcing my good choices.

And I just have to say,  I did NOT see that coming! After all the soul searching, prayer, counsel, Scripture, God decides to clear things up through my young adult’s learning disability. I am stunned. Clarified, but stunned.

Why do you say, “my way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due me escapes the notice of my God”?… The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator … does not become weary or tired. HIS understanding is inscrutable [mysterious]. He gives strength to the weary [mentally, emotionally], and to him [or her] who lacks might He increases power.  Is 40: 27 – 29 (emphasis added)

Clarified and amazed,

~ Joan

 

Filed Under: Conflict, learning disabilities, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Radar Love

November 17, 2011 By 2 Comments

I don’t know exactly when the perception of Noah’s disability rose up to me like smoke from a pyre. It is said that mothers are possessed of a sixth sense, a preternatural ability to determine when their children are in danger. If I were anyone else, I might write my awareness off to this convenient little maxim, but in truth, I believe it was God nudging me with a quiet, determined hand.

I remember first uttering the words “I think Noah might be autistic” when he was eighteen months old, but his late walking, late talking, his repetitive flapping, his difficulty in looking me in the face all gave it away far earlier than that. His tantrums were earth shattering. His sensory difficulties were stymying. We begged off on birthday parties or took him to another room because the strains of “Happy Birthday to You” set him to fits of screaming. But he was affable, sociable, and an easy laugher. He liked people. And more than that, he utterly lacked stranger anxiety (which, though delightful at the time, has since been revealed to us as a potential indicator for autism).

Not surprisingly, I was called alarmist. A lot. And though I knew little of “normal” developmental behavior – Noah was our first child, and we were the first among our friends to have children – something, Someone, told me to persist.

Big decision + major consequences + opposition = stomach cramps. My default is the distrust of my own decisions. I can make a federal case of the choice of movie, outfit or ice cream flavor (“But what if I pick the praline and the chocolate is better, and then I’ve wasted 500 calories on WHAT?!”). But God is changing my personal mistrust through Noah – who, ironically or not – trusts everyone.

We’re told to be “wise as serpents and gentle as doves” (Matthew 10:16). We’re also told that if we desire wisdom, we have only to ask our Father for it, and it will be freely given (James 1:5). So, though I was matched with criticism in the early stages of this journey, I persisted in the difficult task of reaching a diagnosis because the Lord gave me what I prayed for: discernment. Our neurologist has applauded our efforts toward early intervention saying that most high-functioning children on the spectrum aren’t diagnosed until they are seven or eight. Noah was five.

I had to resist the urge to make a few “I told you so!” calls, what with it flying in the face of that “gentle as doves” part, and all.

In trusting God, I have also learned to trust myself. I have learned to listen to His voice within me, quiet though it may be, and appreciate the mother radar that He’s tuned to just the right frequency.

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, Autism, Challenge, Conflict, Diagnosis, God's presence, Journey, Trust, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Love is a Battlefield

November 10, 2011 By 2 Comments

Into every family, a little sibling rivalry must fall. The days are hurly-burly, with much screaming, throwing, door slamming, hissing and wailing to accompany them. The children cannot be left to play on their own, nor even with each other. The acre backyard will not be big enough to control their skirmishing. Mealtimes, bath times, and bedtimes – when the children are necessarily gathered – become a thing to be dreaded.

Right? Well, imagine my distress when I discovered I was wrong.

On a trip to the beach with our dear friends and their own 3 children, I looked over Noah’s tear soaked face to plead to my friend Rhonda, “Why are your children so QUIET?!?” She offered a few answers: I’m a strict disciplinarian (check); I told them public places require inside voices (ditto); and on and on. I was heart-broken. I couldn’t keep my children under control. What was WRONG with me?

And then Noah had his first sleep-over. We decided to take Grace and Jesse out to dinner. It was the quietest meal with children we had ever had. At home, the two played sweetly on the floor with each other. They went down for bed with nary a complaint. What was different?  Noah, of course.

His nagging, his repetitive sounds, his theft of his sibling’s toys, the compulsive rubbing of his brother’s head, his inability to take turns; they were all missing. The patience of a four and two year old does not match that of their parents, and we realized that when he taxes US to our limits, his brother and sister are already past the point of insanity.

“Gracie, say hmmm. Gracie, say hmmm. Gracie, say hmmm.” “STOP IT, NOAH!!!”

This is our ride to school.

“Jesse, give me the train! Bad Jesse, Bad Jesse, Bad Jesse!” “NOOOOO NOAH!”

This is post-school playtime.

These are not gentle power struggles. These are shrill battles of will with physical aggression involved. I could go on, but I’m already eyeing the Ativan on the counter.

A sub-diagnosis of Noah’s is oppositional defiance disorder. Hard to believe, considering that Noah’s heart longs for approval and acceptance. His soul is tender and compassionate. This dichotomy is a part of who these children are: while they recognize that we are created for community, Aspergian kids cannot crack the entry code. Sometimes, fighting is the only way they know to make a connection.

Autism expert Dr. Jed Baker is quick to point out that 90% of teaching and parenting these kids is tolerance (just when I thought I’d already bit a big enough hole in my tongue….). “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14). Peace is a rare visitor in our home, but the responsibility to model it lies with Matt and me. It starts with our own willingness to compromise, wait, understand, and apologize. A certain gentleman learned this lesson the hard way when I told him to go back and apologize for something he said to a stranger a few days ago. I won’t elaborate, but Matt, you know who you are.

Every one of our days involves an altercation. We guide Noah in the best direction we can, avoiding triggers (biological, sensory, or fear-based), creating a reward system for when he makes the correct choice, and most importantly, asserting the value of an apology – something that doesn’t come naturally to an Aspie.

Sometimes though. when we are very lucky, that apology does not have to be extracted but comes of its own accord. Like today, when Noah attacked his little brother for taking a LEGO off Noah’s shelf. After separating the two, I discovered this note at the entrance to Jesse’s nursery:

If you can’t speak Noah, it reads: “Jesse, I sorry. Here you go, good boy.”

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, Autism, Challenge, Conflict, Emotions, Forgiveness, Parenting, Relationships, siblings Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Marriage Inoculation Starts with “Z”

October 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Decades of research and eyeball-to-eyeball clinical encounters with adults lead to a conclusion about marriages. Many would be not only salvaged but dramatically upgraded with one act alone: zip the lip.

So treacherous is disdainful, contemptuous, critical speech that one researcher, after monitoring couples for as little as five minutes, has predicted with 91% accuracy those headed for divorce.

Personally, I’ve observed too much in clinical settings to doubt that claim.

“I should never have married you!”
“You are such a loser!”
“You’re a lousy dad.”
“What a sad excuse of a mother.”
“I never loved you.”
“You’re just like your mother.”
“You’re so like your dad.”

How spirit-curdling are such words. As if chemical bomb clusters on a time-lapsed, repetitive detonator, they linger for decades as if just spoken. Such verbal assaults seep to the core of the target, then migrate through neural, cardiovascular and immune systems, often mortally wounding the marriage.

That’s not figurative. Conflicted couples literally become sicker physically and shorten their lives by an average of four years, as noted by renowned researcher John M. Gottman, Ph.D., in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Words as weapons do not just cripple spouse and child personalities, but like acid, corrode our own souls. One major reason for this: hate-speech defies laws of creation, trampling on mandates of the God in whose image we are made. He says, “zip it.”

Yes, that’s a paraphrase. Here are some more for contemplation:

• Push your “pause button” to avoid looking worse than a fool, Proverbs 29:20
• Harsh speech is a weapon rooted in our own pride, Proverbs 14:3
• Violent speech reveals inner evil, Proverbs 10:6, 11

So how can we gain greater control of our speech? A major tip from the ultimate source: don’t count on self-control (James 3:8).

Those who seek a heart-to-heart relationship with God are the ones who gain wisdom generating such personal virtues as peace, gentleness, mercy, approachability, impartiality and authenticity (James 3:17). Because speech is produced by our inner nature (Proverbs 16:23), a wisdom infused personality:

• Produces words that enhance safety and inoculate from danger, Proverbs 14:3
• Moderates mood and temper, Proverbs 29:11
• Leverages influence not only at home but far beyond, 16:13

Even better news is this bonus: we are promised that wisdom offered by God will literally prolong our lives (Proverbs 9:10-11). No wonder, as wisdom calibrates our inner nature and communication, as well as relationships that profoundly impact our health and well-being.

What better day than today to apply a gentler, healing touch to treasured marriages and families? Ironically, this divinely win-win-win strategy also serves as a potent act of self-love.

~ Bev

Filed Under: Communication, Conflict, Couple, Family Tagged With: , , , , , ,