Open for Business

Routine tasks often prove the hardest for my Noah. Tasks of a higher emotional and intellectual input are nearly impossible. This move of ours – wherein we moved a mere 6 miles from our former home, kept all children in the same school, and did it all slowly, as unhurriedly as possible over the course of a month so as to prevent any psychic earthquakes – sent Noah into a tailspin. I should have guessed this was going to be the case. There is only so much cushioning you can give an Aspie when his world begins to change. So, in the wake of the final push of our move, I should not have been surprised that Noah’s behavior fell somewhere between chaos and rage. On the day itself, Noah blasted past us in the foyer, hurtling down to his room, yelling over his shoulder that he had a project he was going to do. That this was his “plan for the day.” Before we settled into our new home, Noah had packed everything from torn posters to bits of tape he’d salvaged from the walls. There were figurines with missing heads, carnival slinkies stretched beyond use, shoes with shredded soles. He was unable to distinguish between useful and superfluous, between broken and functional. Everything that could possibly be thrown away made it into a moving box and came with us. Unpacking this all gave me apoplexy. For an almost 9-year-old, a request to send him to his room to pack his belongings is a natural one. One assumes that there will be some sort of self-governance that eliminates the moving of – for lack of a better term – “junk.” But Noah’s “junk” moving was just the beginning. Once at the house, this “project” of his ate the better part of a day, and I didn’t bother to check its progress because it kept him out of my hair. When he yelled from the bottom floor, insistent that I come see what he’d done, my jaw hit the floor. He opened his closet door to show me this:

Getting down to business.

“It’s my DS store,” he said. And sure enough, on every shelf, Noah had aligned his DS games with cases upright and inserts facing out, just as they are displayed at Gamestop. Now this was a puzzle to me. The boy who packs things like books with missing pages, or plush animals vomiting their stuffing; who throws every lego he owns in a giant box, but tosses the instructions (insuring that he’ll never construct the pieces from the set in their intended way, again), THIS boy had taken the case for every DS he owns and arranged them with the precision of a scientist. WHY? This was also a puzzle to me. All I can imagine – and this is where I must be content to let the questions end (because sometimes guessing is all I’ve got) – is that this was Noah’s way of not only controlling his environment, but controlling (channeling?) his emotions through the precise, repetitive task of touching and working with the familiar things that he loved.

Grace, ever the pragmatist, folded her arms in front of his closet. “Uh, that’s great, Noah. But you have one little problem. Where are your clothes going to go?” We still don’t know. For now, they’re still mostly in boxes on the floor. His room’s a mess, and so is mine. We’re not quite open for business. But we have a little peace.

~ Sarah

A Lot to Be Thankful For

This past week included a day our country celebrates Thanksgiving, a day originally set aside to remember how blessed we are and to thank God for those many blessings. The holiday has become about parades with giant balloons, football games, and the obligatory dinner with family. The Virginia Dickerson Family’s traditional Thanksgiving usually ends up being about the food:

  • roasted turkey (we prefer the white meat),
  • cornbread dressing (made with lots of cream-of-chicken soup),
  • homemade cranberry sauce (my heart soars when fresh cranberries appear in the grocery store),
  • one can of Ocean Spray® Jellied Cranberry Sauce (because Cami doesn’t like all the ingredients we put in the homemade stuff),
  • fresh green beans (not from a can!),
  • corn (frozen is okay, but sweet corn is a necessity),
  • roasted zucchini and yellow squash (kosher salt, freshly ground pepper, and extra virgin olive oil),
  • from-scratch mashed potatoes (my husband’s specialty),
  • lasagna (a nod to Michael’s brother David, who doesn’t like turkey so every year, their mom made lasagna to take to Granny’s house),
  • sweet potato souffle (or casserole; the recipe changes every year but must include crushed walnuts, cinnamon, and nutmeg),
  • and, of course, pie (cherry, pecan, chocolate butter, and whatever other kind of pie Michael wants to try and bake).

When we cook all this food, we can’t possibly eat it all by ourselves, so we invite neighbors and friends to join us. Which means I have to clean the house. And figure out where everyone will sit. (We live in a townhouse, so space is always a concern.) And make sure I have containers to send food home with everyone. And, and, and….

As Thanksgiving approached this year, some things in our family were different than last year. For one, I’m on an eating plan that limits my carbohydrate intake to 80-85 grams per day. I wasn’t sure I could be in the same environment as our traditional Thanksgiving feast and stay on my eating plan. Secondly, in years past when our townhouse was packed with people, Cami and I both ended up on sensory input overload which led to my exploding and her imploding. As much as we love the people we invite to our home, all the visiting in one day is not, for us, conducive to a peaceful holiday.

So we didn’t have a traditional Thanksgiving. We took notes from all the Cami’s Birthday Adventure trips and got outta town. We used our hotel points and drove an hour away from home and did some things we’ve never done before. We still celebrated family and blessings, just in a new way. The weekend’s first activity was risky because Cami normally doesn’t like movie theaters. We never go to movies, choosing instead to watch Red Box® and Netflix® videos at home. We tried it anyway. The First Ever Virginia Dickerson Family Thanksgiving Getaway Adventure started by introducing Cami to an activity my family did often way back when.

When I was growing up, the drive-in movie theater was my family’s splurge of the month. The admission price was by the carload, so that made it affordable for a family of four, even one as stretched financially as we were most of the time. I remember wrapping sodas in aluminum foil so they would stay colder. My mom made hot dogs at home and wrapped them individually in aluminum foil so we could eat them during the movie. She spent the afternoon popping popcorn in the big dutch oven on top of the stove, shaking the pot over the burner until she’d filled a brown grocery sack full of yumminess for us to eat later. My sister and I took our blankets and pillows and camped out in the luggage rack on top of our Plymouth station wagon. I saw John Wayne double-features and several Herbie movies at the drive-in theater with my family back then.

This year, the Virginia Dickersons ate our Thanksgiving dinner at the only drive-in movie theater in Virginia. For less than the admission price Michael and I would pay to see a first-run feature, all three of us, including the dog, saw a first-run family-friendly movie and made some fantastic memories. The gentleman at the ticket booth took our admission money and gave us two dog treats for Roscoe. He explained how they were only showing a single feature that evening because they didn’t expect many people, and it was, after all, a holiday. My husband thanked him for being open on the holiday so we could have a family adventure.

Cami and Roscoe stayed in the warmth of the truck while Michael and I sat outside in lawn chairs to watch the movie. We were one of three cars in the entire parking lot. Because there weren’t that many people, we were able to chat with the concession stand workers, all members of the same family who owned the theater. Michael and Cami ate concession-stand food for dinner: hot dogs, french fries, popcorn, ice cream sandwiches, barbecue sandwiches, and mozzarella sticks. I ate three french fries, two handfuls of popcorn, and a bag of Medifast® cereal. We saw a shooting star. It was magical.

Cassandra Freezing at the Drive-In

What was more magical was how much the experience impressed my girl. Later, back at the hotel, she was writing as usual. As usual, I asked, “Cami, what are you writing?”

“A thank-you note.”

“To whom?”

“The people at the movie theater.”

Wow. In spite of all my stumbling and striving to make the holiday comfortable for myself, my daughter gets it. She gets Thanksgiving better than I do. She took the time to write out her favorite moments and say “thank you” to the people who made those moments possible. I’m ashamed to admit it, but we don’t make a practice of writing thank-you cards. Until the last year or so, getting Cami to write anything was more stressful than simply saying “Thank you” aloud to the giver. She decided on her own to write this note.

We drove to the theater on Friday night to deliver the note personally. We expected to see the same sweet gentleman who gave us our tickets the previous night, but it was someone different. When my husband handed over the note and explained what it was, the lady said, “Oh, Jim will be so tickled to have this. He’s been with his wife all day. She’s in critical care. Maybe this note will brighten things a little for him.”

I asked her if Jim’s wife would be okay. “We hope so. We’d appreciate your prayers.”

Jim’s wife was part of the crew that made our concession food on Thanksgiving night.

(On the front of the folded note)
TO: the owners of the Family drive-in thetre (have to work on spelling that word correctly)
FROM: C.M. Dickerson
DATE: Thanksgiving day, 2012
SUBJECT: one of the movies you showed, Rise of the Guardians

(left column)
I never knew that The Easter bunny had two boomerangs and an Australian accent. Weird, huh?

Now I know that I like drive-in thetres!

Great movie,
Great people,
And a shooting star.
There’s a lot to be thankful for.

(right column)
THANK YOU
(paw print, presumably from Roscoe)

Thank You, Lord, for once again using my daughter to remind me of what really matters. Thank You for loading this journey’s seemingly insignificant moments with meaning.

Thankful for so much, my heart can barely stand it,

Cassandra

Showers of Blessing

Last month, we spent a week in a beach house with Michael’s mom, his siblings, and their families. Our anticipation about the trip escalated through August and September; we were both excited to go and nervous about going. Neither Cami nor I make transitions quickly nor gracefully. Add having other people watching us struggle to make transitions, and it can get stormy.

My sis-in-law found a house that had a third-floor suite, all one big room, but with doors to close—a place to pull away, calm our emotions, and regroup. Boy, did we need that space. The first night we were there, God put on a show with thunder and lightning and rain. While the family was gathered on the main floor, I found Cami sitting at the opened sliding glass door in our room, singing praises to Jesus as she watched the storm, as close as she could get to the powerful display without being in it.

I spent my week being an advocate for Cami, making sure she wasn’t left out or put on the spot, making sure she had space to do her Cami thing. It was exhausting. At home, in our normal environment with our usual routine, she hasn’t had an emotional meltdown in months. The week at the beach, she had three major meltdowns. I knew there would be rough spots, places to navigate skillfully being around different people with different personalities than the people we see in our lives at home. I didn’t expect things to be as intense emotionally as they were.

God knew, though. That night He showed off with the powerful storm? The next morning, I was catching a minute alone with Him, asking Him to give us strength to stay present in each moment, to celebrate Who He is and who we are because of Him, when I looked up and saw this promise:

He stayed so close to us that week. When I asked Cami what the most pleasant experience was from that week, she said, “I can tell you the most unpleasant experience, but not the most pleasant because there are too many to choose from.”

Her most unpleasant experience during that week? She fell on some rocks and scraped both legs. (More on that incident in another post.)

Her pleasant experiences?

  • seeing the Milky Way in the night sky (Let me just say: A.maz.ing.)
  • seeing multiple shooting stars on multiple nights
  • building unusual sand castles with her cousin

  • watching dolphins playing in the surf right off shore
  • looking down off a pier that’s only accessible by boat and seeing a momma horseshoe crab with her baby on her back moving through the sea grass
  • visiting a sea turtle nest, looking for signs of hatching
  • watching incredible lightning displays
  • chasing crabs and catching them

  • meeting a puppy named Monty in one of the shops in town
  • all the shells

  • eating some incredible chocolate chocolate chip cookies her dad made from scratch
  • making a birthday cake for her cousin from scratch with her dad

Were there rough moments? Oh, yeah.

But the brilliant, glorious moments? There were so many more of those.

Thanking Jesus for His showers of blessing,

Cassandra

A Day at the Fair (a photo essay)

The Virginia Dickersons visit the Virginia State Fair on Homeschool Day.

Cami's grown taller, but not as tall as a farm-equipment wheel.

Cami and yours truly standing by the best-in-show giant pumpkin. The agricultural exhibits tend to be our favorite activities.

Michael and Cami are chillin' with the banana mons on the midway.

We paid $2 each to see this hog. He didn't stand up much.

Of course, the fair is about the fun food. Cami and Michael share some hot mini donuts.

Cami spent a good hour taking pictures and video of the midway so she could share the fair with her friends. I sat on a bench while her dad went with her. (Too much sensory input for me on the midway.)

Cami holds an eastern mole snake because she's brave like that.

Yes, Brave Mommy is holding a corn snake. Anything for the children, right?

Roscoe Dog missed us. He waits patiently with his toys.

Roscoe thought the shirt Cami bought at the fair was for him. Either he liked the smell, or he liked the cats pictured all over the shirt.

Happy Fall, Y’all!

Cassandra

 

 

Dog Lovers, We Are!!

I have to start out by thanking those of you who responded (by public comment or by private email) to my prior posts from July 2 and July 10 about our contemplation of adding a dog to our family. Your advice, along with further research we did amongst pet-owner friends and relatives, and lots of reading books and online was so incredibly helpful and really helped lead us down a path of feeling fully prepared (or as prepared as one can really be).

We just picked up our sweet puppy at the airport today, yes he arrived via a flight. We chose a Labradoodle based on many peoples’ suggestions and research and while we did find a couple breeders in our state none of them offered exactly what we were looking for. We had our eye on a certain size (medium) and we also hoped to get our pup at a certain time so that we could devote a couple weeks training time after summer activities ended and before school started up. Thankfully, we also found a breeder who was raising the pups in her home and spending time with them, and could fully consider the temperament we were looking for and steer us to a pup in her litter that matched our needs.

All this led us to our sweet little Buster. God has such a sense of humor. I never considered myself an animal lover and I’m so excited to have a dog! This two plus months of research has just really solidified our desire to raise and love a dog. I thought I’d have a hard time still being particular or running a clean home, I learned some really interesting tips that people do with their pets to help with the things I was concerned about. To be honest … I’m also okay with being softened around those edges a bit. ;o)

We’re just so excited for what is ahead. We don’t have it all figured out but we have a good handle on what we’re doing right now. We’re still researching training options for once we get past house-breaking. We did find a service dog training opportunity in our area and may consider that again at some point but once he’s ready we’ll start with regular obedience training (it’s just a matter of where or who).

For now, I leave you with a visual of our past couple months leading up to today and then today’s big event. Enjoy, and thank you again!

At the wishing well at Animart quite some time ago. "Mom, Can I have a quarter to throw in instead of a penny?" =) "I wish for a puppy, I wish for a puppy, "I wish for a puppy"

Doing research included picking up many books at our local library!

While considering dog ownership we seized every opportunity to hang out with dogs. Here, Owen enjoyed reading with therapy dogs with his siblings and neighbor friends.

Owen learned to ask dog owners everywhere he went, "May I pet your dog?" He enjoyed petting many different dogs.

Meeting Buster at the airport

I love him!!!

Buster you are so cute!!!

Playtime outside!

Dad, Maella & Buster (Maella is very excited to be a big sister to Buster!)

Owen is so excited to have a dog, he loves Buster!

Our oldest, Ethan, is very excited for Buster too!

Buster's first shower! We knew he loved water from watching videos our breeder had sent and he kinda needed a cleaning up after his long day traveling so we decided to give it a try. Buster did awesome, loved it!

Before putting the kids to bed we read everyone a book about a little dog who looks alot like Buster, When Rocket Learned to Read (there's even a story about a dog named Buster in the book!)

Buster. We've fallen in love with a dog. :)

 

The Hardest Trip

We’re headed to the beach – the family home we haven’t seen in nearly 18 months. The kids are out of school, the weather promises to be idyllic. What for your ordinary traveler might be just a “nice weekend,” is for two war-weary parents with a disabled child, a chance to grasp at heaven. Matt and I may as well be first-classing it to the Maldives for as excited as we are.

The resort town is a perfect child’s playground – ice cream stands and pirate-themed trinket shops, a boardwalk and bikes to rent, and a playground and sand and lighthouses dotting the peninsula like giant candles. There are hours of activity in store for Noah, Grace, and Jesse. And from the second-story deck from which we can see the ocean, the adults can talk for hours in hammock chairs with the kids scrambling at our feet. It is very nearly perfect for everyone. Save for one tiny detail: the road trip required to get there.

Under “ordinary” circumstances, we should make the trip in about 5.5 hours. However, we’re lucky if we arrive in fewer than seven. And now, with the loss of modern conveniences like the car’s DVD player and CD player (thank you, Jesse for proving that both devices work just as well as coin slots as they do electronics), it’s going to feel a little like a Bonanza wagon train. Just imagine a very long, very hot, very boring, very crowded car ride with a child in the backseat repeating, “Bad, Jesse! Bad, Jesse!” Then imagine the offended child starts screaming, as anyone would, should their moral composition be repeatedly questioned. Then add another child, who will start whining that she’s hot, or that she didn’t really want chicken nuggets (even though she explicitly told you otherwise), and will extend her leg to Noah, whispering, “Noah, you better not touch me.” To which the first child will respond as anticipated, and the girl will scream with operatic shrillness and set every dog down interstate 95 to fits of barking. Then imagine all of this occurs in holiday traffic, with a whistling window seal resulting from a poor repair job, and a son who insists on eating the same sunflower seeds as his dad (and in the same abundance), which means potty breaks of more frequency and greater urgency than anyone could have anticipated. I usually need a wheelchair and a bag of IV fluids by the time we get there – just like some actress/singer/“celebutant” claiming exhaustion. Listen, I have no personal beef with Rihanna, but I doubt girlfriend’s taken a drive like ours.

So if you think of it this holiday weekend, will those of you without children, or with children who are better behaved, or with cars of better repair, headed on shorter drives – will you pray for us?

And then, sitting on the beach in what is left of the magenta sun, watching my son scream into the misty air as he delights in the roar of the coming tide, I promise to pray for you.

- Sarah

Whoa

Stuart (aka “Caspian”) in a rare moment of quietude.

I never struggle in trying to find a topic on which to write. The topic always finds me – sometimes quietly like a reverie, sometimes ungraciously as a brass band. Today, it was more the latter than the former.

I was at the barn today, riding my new gelding, Stuart. For those of you who know me, you know there’s little else I love in this world more than horses (save for the obvious husband, children, etc. etc.). I was a desperately horse-crazy child. I collected model horses, read books on horses, drew horses, dreamed of horses. All I was missing was the headgear and the Kirk Cameron poster. I never owned a horse or truly got a chance to ride until I was a grown up and my time was “my own.” (Notice the use of quotation marks here. With children, I lost most of whatever “my time” was actually left.) I’ve been at it about eleven years, with breaks for children and illnesses and travel in between. I’ve had a few successes in the show ring, but nothing noteworthy enough to mention. Lately, I’m thinking this might be the result of how hard I’ve been working. Which is very, very hard.

I am one of the hardest working, most doggedly determined woman you’re ever going to meet. My vices are many, but sloth is not among them. If I set out to fold laundry on Monday, at 11:59 pm on Monday night, I’ll be folding the fourteen hundredth sock pair, but by George, I’ll have gotten it all done. My life before the bar exam became forcibly monastic: I stuck to a rigorous eight hour a day study routine for six weeks before the big test. I took 22 credits a semester in college to get out with one (and nearly two) B.S. and two minors in three years. I’m fairly awesome at self-flagellation. Doesn’t stand to reason that I would have had such a horrific riding lesson today then, does it? Unless I’m actually working TOO hard.

I came in with my guard up today – my horse had had 5 days off. This is a potential nightmare for the new owner of a young Thoroughbred. I needed to prove to him I was still in control. But the harder I worked on perfect form, the more I tried to do his job for him, the more aggressive I was, the more agitated Stuart became until everything fell apart. We had some very ugly near-misses over a few fences. I imagine my guardian angel is having a cocktail somewhere to unwind. If I had just loosened up – it’s ONLY RIDING! – things might have turned around. I just need to work a little less, trust a little more, and open my hand.

I am exactly this way with Noah, as with all things in my life that I love. The more I love something, the more likely I am to suffocate it with a death grip. I am excellent at the striving part. I am quite weak at the letting go part. I will task Noah to death, correct mannerisms and social gaffs, double-check his tutoring work and strive to interrupt his compulsions. What I think I might need to do is lighten up a little. We have Noah’s diagnosis about as in-control as we can get it. We’ve wasted no time with doctors and therapists. We’ve had a plan from the outset, and stuck to it. Unfortunately, that plan doesn’t leave as much room as I’d like for the simple joy of simply being.

So I’m done working for the night. Noah is downstairs rifling the cupboards for a snack to feed his wiry frame. I’ve put his siblings to bed and daddy is traveling again, so it’s just us on the couch in a few minutes, watching whatever episode of MAD on TiVO that will set him to fits of hysterical laughter. And though it’s past his bedtime, I’m going to sit quietly with him on the couch with his feet in my lap, because I am – as he is – learning the art of the Whoa.

- Sarah

What’s in the Soup

Somewhere in our genetic code, something went off the rails. None of us can pinpoint its timing, but there is some speculation that our former hometown in Wisconsin had something to do with it. In prepping for my twenty-year high school reunion, stories have rolled in about classmates with cancer, multiple sclerosis, rare auto immune diseases, and more. In my own family, we’ve had four cases of blood-borne cancer within two generations, my own Behcet’s disease, my son’s autism, and my niece’s Apraxia. Add to that a few diagnosis of clinical depression, and you begin to wonder if there was something in the water.

I have thought often of Noah and his ASD as I’ve encountered more friends from high school whose children suffer from substantial developmental disabilities. One dear friend of mine has two children with autism – one case of Asperger’s, and another of Rett’s Syndrome, an extremely rare form of the disability that almost exclusively affects girls.

Autism has a strong genetic basis, but its connection is complex, and some have speculated that ASD is explained more by multi-gene interactions or by rare mutations with major effects than by a single gene.  Considering the garbage in our “soup,” I have no problem buying this theory.

I’m not wagging my head in despair here, but it makes a girl wonder what (if he should have children), my wonderful son Noah will bequeath to future generations. I distinctly remember a conversation Matt and I had before having our own kids. It went something like this:

Sarah: “Matt, I’m worried.”

Matt: “Well THAT’S something new.” (“THAT” is in caps, because my Dell doesn’t have
a sarcasm key).

Sarah: (Rolling eyes), “Seriously. We have a lot of nasty stuff between our two families. What if we pass something down?”

Matt: “We probably will.”

Sarah: “So what – we don’t have kids?”

Matt: “Is that what you want?”

Sarah: “No. You know I really want kids.”

Matt: “So do I. The Lord says kids are a blessing. If we have them, I guess the Lord wants them for us, which means He also wants them to have whatever illness or disability they might have. That part is totally beyond our control. Out of control means there’s nothing to do but trust Him. He’ll take care of them, regardless of whatever they have.”

Sarah: “Even if they have your big head? I mean, that’s really an enormous skull you’ve got there.”

Matt: “Oh they definitely will. This huge cranium holds all the brains.”

As it turns out, Matt was right – about our big-headed kids, and the Lord providing for them.

Even down to all the brains.

- Sarah

On Laughter

As a family, we watch a lot of movies.  They are almost all comedies (except for the Star Wars Trilogy, on which I have developed a strange adult fixation).  For us, movies are a way to relax and a way to connect.  We watch tv together, sharing food, laughter, pillows and blankets.

My husband loves to laugh.  He does not laugh quietly.  He is a “falling off the couch while laughing” kind of guy.  And he especially loves any kind of slapstick humor.  So when we find a movie that Ben likes, the entire family enjoys it more because of his genuine, childlike enthusiasm and laughter.

Because of Ben’s problems with short-term memory, he doesn’t always remember what movies we’ve watched.  So we watch movies repeatedly.  A lot.  Over and over.  Add to that the fact that he has no visual memory, he does not remember movies in the same way that we do.  He can remember funny moments.  But he can’t remember who said the lines or what movie the lines are from.  And if he hears a funny line, he will automatically laugh out loud and say, “What movie is that from?  We haven’t seen that movie in a long time.”  And the rest of our family will groan….

It’s gotten to the point where the kids and I no longer want to watch some of our favorite movies due to overexposure!

The other night, I created a game for our family to play.  I knew that my game would either make Ben very angry or he would be able to laugh and enjoy the game with us.  I didn’t mention anything to Ben ahead of time.  I took my cues from how he had been acting all afternoon and at dinner.   I took a chance and called the kids together to play a “family trivia game.”

We’ve played family trivia games before, always using Candy Corn as the prize for the winners who get the question right.  But instead of asking standard trivia questions (Bible verses, historical facts, movie actors), I called this game “Movie Memory Trivia.”  I would quote a line from one of our favorite movies.  Ben had to name the movie that the line came from.  If he couldn’t, the turn would pass to the kids and they would all yell the name of the movie and receive the candy corn.

Praise God, my husband enjoyed the game.

This game could have come across as mocking Ben’s disability.  I certainly did not want to do this.  Instead, we ended up laughing together as a family because of something that is unique to us…Ben’s poor memory for movies.  This silly game was a time for us to celebrate our unique family culture as we rehearsed dialogue from our favorite comedies and watched Dad convulse with laughter as each time as though it were the first time he heard these lines.

Hidden disabilities can be hard on a family.  I am thankful to God that we can still keep our sense of humor and find ways to be at peace with the life and some of the circumstances God has for our family.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
(Psalm 16:5-6 ESV)

~Nancy

 

Growing Pains

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22 (NIV)

Growing up is hard.

The other day my five-year-old daughter was experiencing some of the challenges of growing up.  In the chaos of getting ready for school one morning, she had an emotional meltdown that broke my heart.

I don’t remember exactly what I asked her to do, but it was something well within her ability to do by herself.  However, after watching me help her two-year-old brother with almost everything, she broke down and blurted what she was feeling inside.

“You don’t love me as much as you love Ben,” she cried as she stood by the sink and wept.

I immediately embraced her to comfort her and calm her down, which is not always easy with her sensory processing disorder, and we were able to finish getting ready as we discussed the situation.

Realizing that she thought I loved and cared about Ben more than her because I helped him more, I knew we needed a heart to heart no matter how late for school it made us.  So I invited her to come sit on my lap so we could cuddle.

Holding her tight, I looked into her eyes and affirmed my deep love and care for her.  I explained that one of my jobs as a mother is to help her do more and more things by herself so that one day she will be ready to be an adult and, Lording willing, to have a family of her own. Her face lit up, because she always talks about being a mommy someday.  Then we talked about some of the ways that I show her that I love her so that she won’t believe that lie again.  We prayed together and got up to put on our coats.

As I reflected on our tender moment walking out the door, I sensed that still small voice again. “That’s exactly what I do for you, precious child.” My heart was filled with love and joy over that truth.

Ever since, I visualize my quiet times like that heart to heart with my daughter: a time of peace and love, safe in my Heavenly Father’s arms.

Growing spiritually can be hard too, but if my daughter’s genuine angst moved my heart, how much more do we move the heart of God as we struggle to live in this fallen world?

In the assurance of His unfailing love,

~Lynn