Chosen Families

There were so many clues. The same clothes day after day. Bedroom slippers stubbornly worn to school despite protests from friends. Poor hygiene. Superior intellect, vocabulary and verbal skills. Rigid, literal interpretation of speech. Klutziness. Odd social relations, made possible at all, it seemed, by a sense of community and care in her small town high school.

With all that, Liane Willey had no idea she had Asperger’s Syndrome – as the constellation of neurological-behavioral-cognitive-social patterns were far off public radar at the time. Then came the brutal confusion, rejection and stark isolation of college, and a growing sense that she was drastically out of sync with peers and society, generally. Finally, the Asperger’s diagnosis made sense of what seemed so baffling and offered some tools to navigate life better. But she still encountered challenges in reasoning, relationships, logistics and employment that seemed overwhelming.

So how did Liane manage to land jobs on college faculties, to publish articles and books, to find love, to navigate marital challenges, and to establish warm relations with her children? Her story unfolds in Pretending to be Normal, which my adult Aspie son, Henry, finds much more useful and inspiring than the experts’ more academic approach.

A prior column noted some of Liane’s secrets of success, and here are more:
1. Plan ahead to avoid Aspie traps. Practice for job interviews, for meetings with bosses, for job challenges, and to better avoid behavior or speech that backfires.
2. Be teachable, accepting tutors in unusual packages – which for Liane include her husband and kids. She knows she at times embarrasses them by being “extremely invasive, obsessive, blunt, loud” or by making unusual requests, or remarks. She invites her children and husband to censure her worst moments – so she can sustain their support.
3. Romance carefully: seek good hearted, tolerant personalities. Liane reports that her husband takes in stride her atypical social “moments,” never uses her AS traits as weapons against her, and functions as her “seeing eye dog” in confusing social situations.
4. Look for opportunities that use strengths and avoid liabilities. Teaching jobs reduced social pressure through limited chunks of instruction time, while between-class breaks offered recovery from “people overdose” so depleting to many Aspergians.

No wonder Liane is in demand as a speaker and author. A gifted communicator, she offers rare insight into Aspergian interior worlds and exterior challenges.

Eloquently describing her desperate longing to belong, connect, and establish relationships, Liane powerfully conveys the enormous pain of those who can have so much to offer but are often shut out, slapped down, and straight-jacketed by demands of the neuro-typical majority.

Liane’s insights offer fellow Aspergians success strategies for school, relationships and vocations. But she also offers those blind to the AS journey eyes to see both the challenges and enormous potential hidden in the hearts and minds of Aspies in our families, schools, churches, neighborhoods and workplaces.

And yes, they are everywhere. Far more, I think, than commonly understood. So whether their gifts – sometimes astonishing talent – are cultivated or crushed will have profound consequences for us all.