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Married, but…

February 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

I’ve been to 3 significant weddings in the last 6 weeks. THE Word of God tells me God designed marriage to be a beautiful 3 dimensional picture of how He loves us – He covenants Himself to us, never betrays us, understands us, longs to be WITH us, discloses Himself to us, close-as-possible-to-us/no-daylight-between-us intimacy, companionship (never alone, lonely), fellowship … security … safety … delight … playful.

I imagine how that is … but that type of marriage intimacy is not in my personal experience. Actually, none of us have ALL that. Elizabeth Elliot hit the nail on the head, saying, “We marry sinners. There is no one else to marry!” (THINK about that.)

But it is also painfully true – some have intimacy with their mate and some don’t. I am grateful for the glimpses of all these riches I see in other marriages … loving glances, gentle touches, their loyalty, their delight in each other … watching them shows me a bit of what is to come for me someday, in heaven. (Maybe sooner, we keep praying.) I have a longing for all that….

Then I think, having a painful lack in life doesn’t apply to just marriage.

Some are orphans – never knew what it was like to have parents around. Some could tell me what it’s like to be an only child – never having brothers and sisters. Some are barren, never felt a baby move inside … and for reasons I don’t understand, God gave me all those gifts. For reasons I don’t understand, I don’t have the gift of marital intimacy – in the way I imagine God designed. I am married to someone who (I discover) struggles to connect. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in his struggle to adjust to having bipolar, he will tell you he struggles to trust in the very ways that define marriage.

“You desire truth in the innermost being ….” Ps 51:6 Well, here’s the truth: I want a soul mate. Intimacy. Security. Reliability. Strength. Safety. I’m closer to the end of my life than my beginning, and I still long for those things. So does my husband.

Is God being cruel to us? Did we sin in some way so badly that we deserve to never stay connected in body and soul? Was the only way to improve our character to withhold this? (Have you ever asked these kind of questions about a particular lack?)

I know (most of the time) God isn’t being cruel. Dying on a cross was a cruel death suffered by a loving Savior.

I’ve sinned bad enough to deserve hell, so losing marital bliss is a drop in THAT bucket. Jesus paid for my complete pardon. But I still reap painful consequences to sin (that train me to NOT sin the next time). But honestly, most of the time, I can’t tell which painful thing in my life is from my past sin(s), someone else’s sin, or just living in a fallen world.

SO, in case you’re wondering, I am (currently) thinking of my unfulfilled longings as homesickness for heaven. (C.S. Lewis has a great quote on this, wish I could remember it.) I am not going to get it all down here. Period. But that doesn’t mean we are going to quit trying to improve our marriage.

There’s a mountain saying, “make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes.” Ruth Graham quoted that, and I’ve found it highly helpful.  The past years are gone. We want to make the most of what comes. SO, we are still going to counseling, to doctors, to pastors, to the Word. (not in that order….) I tell my kids some battles are worth the fight. We believe THIS battle (to grow closer) is worth the fight.

But, honestly,  heaven can’t come soon enough …. Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth … new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband …“Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men …God Himself will be among them, and HE will wipe away every tear from their eyes; …. there will no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain … behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” Rev 21:1-5

Honestly,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, intimacy, Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

How to tell the Good from the Bad

August 10, 2012 By 1 Comment

Life in the world of bipolar emotions confuses me, which is absolutely NO secret, and never more than when issues of authority are involved. That is how I got into an abusive dynamic in my marriage, and what makes it hard to keep healthy boundaries now.

In contrast, God is NOT confused. He hates leaders using their authority to abuse. It is the opposite of Who He Is, against everything He stands for, and required His Son’s death to conquer. Nothing in the world/dynamics of hidden disabilities changes that (if you’re speed reading, slow down and let that sink in.)

So God has been using Ezekiel 34 to clear up my mental and emotional windshield like (new) windshield wipers. (It’s an Old Testament book, I confess, which I never read in my youth, but LOVE right now.):

He tells abusive authorities exactly where they miss the boat -

“those who are sickly you have not strengthened,

the diseased you have not healed,

the broken you have not bound up,

the scattered you have not brought back,

nor have you sought for the lost;

but with force and severity you have dominated them.”

It helps me to see how mad God was at them … because He is NOT LIKE THAT. He strengthens, heals, binds up, seeks, provides, protects. If you’ve been often mistreated under an abusive authority, even if a mental or emotional diagnosis was involved, you know how easy it is to get confused and shrink from God because He has ALL authority, and that could only mean going from bad to worse.

Is this a part of your story too? Your GOOD Shepherd really understands. He understands those cloudy and gloomy days in your life with abuse that messed with your mind and heart. That’s why He made this exquisite list of GOOD things He longs to do for you with His authority –

  • lead you to rest….wouldn’t that feel wonderful?
  • seek you when you feel lost,
  • bring you back when your thoughts and emotions are scattered,
  • bind you up when you are broken,
  • strengthen you when you are sick…
  • and cause showers of blessing to come down on you.

“I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. (He initiates rescue)

As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep,

so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day…

I will feed My flock and lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD.

“I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered,

bind up the broken and strengthen the sick…

and I will cause showers to come down in their season;

they will be showers of blessing.”

Ezekiel 34: 11, 12, 15, 16, 26

From my heart, to yours, about HIS heart for us,

Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Bible, Bipolar Disorder, God's presence, Marriage, mental illness Tagged With: , , , , ,

Saturday Night’s All Right

August 5, 2012 By 2 Comments

I had a meltdown this weekend. Right there in my laundry room.

I had it coming. I started a new eating plan this week: a low-carb, low-fat, change-my-body-chemistry type of eating plan. Mount Laundry erupted continually throughout the week, refusing all my efforts to tame it. We took a field trip to the Botanic Gardens with some friends, and the homeschooling activities I so meticulously planned backfired (the girls were bored).

Saturday was going downhill fast; Cami didn’t clean her room on Friday like I asked her to, so I said “no” to her inviting friends inside to play. It was too hot to be outside (although she tried, bless her heart), so all her friends went home. She harrumphed. She said, “It feels like none of my friends want to be with me.” I couldn’t make it better. Not even a little bit.

Then my husband told me he was meeting a friend at the shooting range after he spent the morning at a gun show.

I kind of lost my mind.

You know how I found it again? I was weeping, trying to (inwardly) calmly assess why I was feeling the way I was. My husband said he felt like he was doing everything wrong. I admitted that I was jealous (of his time with a friend? of his time with his hobby? of his having extra time at all?), that I was believing the lies in my head, the lies that told me what a horrible housekeeper I am, what an ineffective mother I am, what a petty wife I am, how things will never change, I’ll never be any different, it’s no use so why try.

As I began to confess the lies I was hearing, my husband uncrossed his arms and crossed the chasm of the laundry room towards me. And he hugged me. He spoke truth over me, spoke it until I heard it, until I believed it. He hugged me—told me he loved me—until I found my mind again.

Then he went to the shooting range, Cami played in her clean room with a neighbor friend, and I folded a lot of laundry.

Not such an explosive Saturday after all.

Grateful for God’s grace and Michael’s love,

Cassandra

Filed Under: Conflict Tagged With: , ,

On Marriage

July 16, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This Wednesday, Ben and I will celebrate twenty years of marriage!  We’ve grown in our marriage in so many areas, and I am so thankful.  But there is one question that I still haven’t figured out yet:  how can I separate myself and my moods from those of my husband?

I’m sure many couples grapple with this question.  Over the years as we’ve grown together in living as “one flesh,” I’ve found that Ben’s failures feel like my failures and his successes become my successes.  Of course, the opposite is often the case as well.  Many times, Ben’s strong faith helps me when my faith is weak.  Ben is there to lift me up, remind me of God’s truth, and pray with me and for me when I am struggling.  And I know I do the same for him.

These things make a marriage.  But when one partner in a marriage repeatedly suffers due to ill health, job loss, depression or other circumstances, I think this becomes much more of an issue.  Most times, I find that I struggle to remain positive or joyful when Ben is doing poorly.  When he suffers, I suffer.  I find that I define my day by the quality of Ben’s disability.  If he is struggling, I struggle.  If he is seizure free or not having problems with his memory,  I feel the freedom to do well … although often it takes a few days of Ben doing well before I can fully breathe freely and relax.

What does being “one flesh” really mean?  I would love to remain faith-filled and not have my moods dictated by the state of my husband’s disability.  But is this even what God wants?  What does it mean to love and care for someone, to bear his burdens and walk alongside him, when he is suffering in body and/or spirit?  And how do I live a full life, with friends of my own and work and responsibilities, without feeling guilty or depressed because my husband is often home suffering alone, without the opportunities and support that I have due to my own good health?

I would love comments on this issue.  I’m specifically thinking of this from a woman’s perspective.  How do I live with my husband in a God-glorifying way when he is suffering?  How do I support him and care for him without allowing his circumstances to completely define my mood?

I thank God for the twenty years that Ben and I have been together.  Happy Anniversary, Ben.  Life is both richer and more challenging than I ever could have imagined.  But I wouldn’t want to live it with anyone other than you.

2 Corinthians 4:16: So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

~ Nancy

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With:

To Be or Not to Be (in an abusive situation)

June 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Peggy asked, “what was the final straw?” I don’t remember it. There were so many. I DO remember a point of no return … where I knew I could lose my home and marriage if I pushed for change. I also learned you gotta be sure and be prepared when dislodging abuse, because you wouldn’t BE in that mess if it were easy for you to know and keep your boundaries in the first place.

That does not excuse the abuser. No way. It just acknowledges the fact that in adult to adult situations (not child abuse) if you are in an abusive relationship, there was some point back there where your boundaries got crossed in a harmful way. Someone’s sinful nature took advantage of their position or power over you, and you did not allow the negative consequences of their behavior to fall on THEM (for reasons you will figure out as you heal).

So now the rut you are in is very deep, and the side’s slippery, and it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg (figuratively) to get out. You may even feel guilty about getting help, because someone who loved you may have warned you about getting into this kind of relationship, and you did not listen. And you may feel you deserve it, because of sin in your life, or you may think it’s what Christ is asking when He said “turn the other cheek,” etc….

I felt all of those things.

To be fair, I did periodically ask for help, but was blown off…which added despair.

Then one day our church did a seminar for leadership on abuse, sponsored by the abuse center in our city. It was startling to hear frank information on abuse, patterns, and statistics showing how things only get worse – not better. That shook my denial.

In addition, our kids got older, bringing their own dynamics into play – which made too many players…I couldn’t “control” the abuse by running interference enough. The stakes got higher. I asked Jesus for a healthy way to push abuse OUT of our lives.

About that time I read the books on Boundaries (in Marriage) by Townsend and Cloud…helping me understand I could change things around myself, by myself, by learning how to have and enforce healthy boundaries, biblically.

And when I was finished living in fear, appalled at what was happening to our children, and tired of waiting for someone to “rescue” me – I asked myself these questions:

What’s the worst thing that can happen (if I put healthy boundaries into play)?
Am I willing to pay that price to be healthy and free (and my kids)?
Is God OK with this plan?

Like a trampled spring and a polluted well is a righteous man (or woman) who gives way before the wicked. Proverbs 25:26

It took a team and years.

I asked the Lord for someone I could trust. I went to several pastors, and several men counselors, who only made things worse. The counselor who finally helped was a woman in our church, who understood the dynamics of mental health issues and abuse.  Jesus enabled her to help me formulate plans at each step along the way out. I eventually disclosed the abuse to several close friends who prayed for me as I drew boundaries. Ultimately, I disclosed to several close men in my husband’s life and asked for their help.

Since then, I’ve found tremendous clarity and healing through the ministry of Mending the Soul, http://www.mendingthesoul.org/ … – they have a great book and workbook that can be done alone or in small group.

Now, years later, my husband thanks me for requiring the changes…for no longer giving way before the sinful choices.  I didn’t see THAT coming  :) .

Hope this helps someone..

— free and loving it, Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Admitting Abuse

June 22, 2012 By 2 Comments

I was raised with the moral code, “if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all.”

That’s a problem, I came to find out.  God says point blank, “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up” (Eph 4:15)… and that meant I had to learn some truth is so “not nice”, it must be said – especially when it feels like it can’t be said. In fact, to not mention it is practically lying, depending on how bad things are. Abuse definitely falls in this category.

To quote a friend of mine, “there’s no use planting daisies ‘round a dead rat.” Which is to say, there’s not enough Pretty to cover up Stink.

If you are reading this, and you’re afraid to keep reading – then this is for you, dear one.

One of the dynamics in our marriage was abuse. This is part of our testimony, because it is something Jesus is saving us from. And I do mean “is saving” because we are a work in progress. “When I am tempted to hide or disguise the circumstances of my life when grace was most evident against the background of my sin, let me instead point to my failures to say, “Look what grace did!” (Jennifer Kennedy Dean)  That’s us.

“I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable….” Paul. (Acts 20:20)

I promised God I would not shrink from declaring to you anything profitable from my own story, as we’ve faced hidden disabilities. (And that in itself is an act of God in my life, I’m here to tell you.) This principle also helped rescue our marriage. I finally did not shrink back from declaring anything that could be profitable to my mate’s health (and by association, the health of our marriage and family). Ultimately, this meant I finally told the truth about the abuse.

Yes, in our case, as most, there were many factors making abuse possible. No, I am not going to address all of them in 500 words or less. I am not that smart, and you would not be that edified. But I am going to tell you two of the reasons I allowed abuse:

I believed the hidden disability caused the abuse, so it was unavoidable, and love required I tolerate it.

Then, I hid the abuse because I felt it would dishonor my husband to disclose it, and God wouldn’t want that.  I was wrong on so many levels….

With such terrible logic, damage kept occurring to our marriage and family (obviously).  Just because chemistry, temperament, heritage (to name a few) prompted reactions, it did not make the words or actions any less harmful. A broken leg is going to hurt and require medical attention, regardless of how it got broke … there’s no getting around it. It was foolish for me (and him) to pretend otherwise. It just about split me in two.

You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (Ps 51:6)  Truth, not duplicity.

Let me be clear: I have no idea where all the lines for disability, sin, and choice intersect. God alone can and will judge that.

But I do know God loved both of us too much to support anything that damaged either of us. Period. Regardless of diagnosis. Like Him, we now love each other too much to hide the behaviors that harm. When they occur, we seek help. 

My husband and I both long for you to know this – God does not support anyone abusing you, regardless of diagnosis. True, your relationship(s) may not survive telling the truth. But if there is abuse present, it will not survive anyway. That’s a given. Might as well give your relationship its only chance – speak the truth in love and get whatever help you need to break free. Please.

My heart is full on this topic, but I will wait to hear if this raises any questions in your mind. Let me know.

Loving and being loved,

Joan

Filed Under: abuse, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Clean-Up

May 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Not long ago I woke up to pounding and hammering – and it was NOT a headache. The house I am living in is being remodeled to make handicap rooms.  (I admire ANYone with the courage to remodel.)  It took a team of grown men just one day to make significant progress – or cause significant damage, depending on your perspective. They left a huge gaping hole where the side of the house had been, with wires and boards hanging open, unconnected, exposed.

But hey, that was nothing compared to the massive corresponding mountain of debris on the lawn. If a giant tornado had ripped open the house, shredded the parts, and dumped them in a pile, I think it would’ve looked similar. What a tangle of rotten boards, good boards, bent nails, old wasp nests – all things fascinating to little boys – torn insulation, siding, drywall, gutters…and things I don’t even recognize! It’s been weeks, and the family is still tediously sorting through the debris, salvaging the good lumber, drywall, which they are using in reconstruction.

Can you picture this? Then you can picture our relationship’s destruction and rebuilding after the tornado of a manic season rips through it.

But you don’t need me tell you this, if you’re living it. What you probably want to know is how we put it back together…….

V-e-r-y C-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y.

I can remember when my husband used to feel that since the destruction was part of his disorder that I could/should just dump all the debris in a box, labeled “manic disorder” –  shelve it, and move on. I tried that.

But somewhere in that debris was our relationship. Though he often does not, I DO remember the words, the tones, the actions, the emotions, MY emotions (if nothing else)… and it’s not always clear to me afterwards, exactly what goes in the “to the dump” box, and what are real issues that need pursuing if we want to rebuild.  (And you can bet I’ve been tempted to put the WHOLE relationship in the dump box sometimes – and so has he!)

I’m not a professional, and this is not Manic Recovery 101. (Someone needs to write that book). This is a simple outline of what we’ve found helps us survive and move on…build character….not walls.

Review: We’ve learned we do have to “recreate/review” the history of the “off” season (as tedious as that is, and as much as we may want to skip over it). It helps each of us understand when things went off the rails…and what we can learn from it, and what we need to throw into the “discard” bucket.  When Paul said, “this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,” (Phil 3:13) he had not skipped over the hard work of assessing his past actions and motives. Like all of us, you can bet he had to walk through the mistrust in relationships that his sins had produced, until trust rooted. (Acts 9:19-27)

Repentance, remorse: There is a level on which it doesn’t matter WHAT caused the 6 inch gash, it still needs stitches. Regardless of what prompted the inappropriate words or actions (sin, disorder, misunderstanding) if something harmful was said or done, repentance and restitution is needed to clear the air. No excuses. It doesn’t mean trust is restored – that takes t-i-m-e. It does mean everyone agrees on what was harmful, what isn’t, and that is how trust can begin. I am helped when someone asks, “what did I do that hurt you (this time)?”  Paul made this observation, “godly sorrow produces repentance to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: what diligence it produced in you….” (II Cor 7:10, 11)  I am blessed to have a man who diligently walks out restitution … which has produced godly character, and healed gashes in our relationship.

Relax: Humor helps! My loved ones with bipolar disorder have great senses of humor, and make good natured jokes about the things they said, or did, when off-the-reservation (as my husband describes it). Believe it or not, it helps reduce the tension for everyone. They lead out in showing the hard times are not a “taboo” topic.  When the meds are stable, don’t neglect the med for your spirits..”a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”Prov 17:22

And did I mention it was tedious? Tediously worthwhile ;) .

Rebuilding,

Joan

 

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Marriage Tagged With: ,

On Connections

May 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

One thing that links all of us together in community is our ability to form connections with friends and family.  We connect through shared experiences, special conversations, even current events.

My husband, Ben, does not experience the same connectedness in his life.  He does share experiences with people.  But he can’t…connect the dots.  His impaired memory makes it hard for him to remember the last shared experiences or conversations he’s had with the friends in his life.  And so each friendship, each new interaction, provokes anxiety.  I imagine he often feels like someone lost in space.

I am just now realizing the profound level of anxiety that Ben feels on a daily basis.  At the core of his anxiety is an overwhelming sense of his own lack of context.

Ben feels alone and afraid most of the time because he doesn’t have a sense of connectedness to his own life.  He can’t easily remember what he’s done recently or what events are coming up  This leaves him feeling… lost.  Panicked.

This week, God revealed something to me.  Ben and I have been married for almost 20 years.  Contextually, we are one flesh.  People have repeatedly told me that I need to be the leader in our marriage.  But that is not the case at all. I am not Ben’s leader.  I am Ben’s context. I am his connection…to our friends, to our life, to our children.  And sadly, I have not been embracing this role.  I have been rebelling against what I have perceived as Ben’s neediness for me.  But now, I feel as though I can rejoice that we are a couple with a strong context and that I can help Ben to feel more centered, more connected, and less afraid.

A Prayer:     My schedule pulls me from home and from my family daily.  My presence is helpful for Ben.  Because my presence helps Ben feel centered and connected and so much more in control of his own life, I am praying that God would provide a change in circumstances where I might be able to support our family financially and still be home with Ben (and the kids) more than I currently am.

A Praise:     And I am so very, very thankful that my husband has such a strong foundation in the LORD.  He has a simple, easy context with His God.  He has a foundation of Scripture that serves to connect him to the Lord and to other Christians.  Regardless of his memory problems, Ben is most at home in any context that is filled with praise, worship, and devotion to Jesus Christ.

These are the connections that ultimately matter the most.

~Nancy

 

 

Filed Under: Acquired Brain Injury, Anxiety, Courage, Epilepsy, Marriage Tagged With: , , , ,

It Takes Three

April 27, 2012 By 5 Comments

It takes two to Tango, but it takes at least three to know if a bipolar is telling the Truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (Or the truth as near as truth can be known.) The sooner you learn this, the better off they are!

It’s not that someone with bipolar disorder is deceptive on purpose  (although nobody is above being deceitful.) Deceit just happens whenever their perspective is altered… which makes figuring out what really happened nigh unto impossible without verification sometimes.

Granted, everybody comes to the table with their own unique perspective – a prism of colors.  That’s the beauty of our differences! When all of our perspectives are combined, we’re more likely to see all the facets of a situation.

But what I am describing is not simply “different” points of view. It’s another dimension altogether – more like…say, the Twilight Zone.

We wouldn’t be having this discussion right now, except that it’s not always obvious to OTHERS that your bipolar’s view is coming from the 3rd dimension. Take a gifted mind, and extra stamina, and you’ve got yourself someone who can generally outlast and outwit everyone else at the table – even when they are dead wrong!

SO, since bipolar disorder is a disorder of perception, if ever there was a time where you need God’s wisdom that says “a matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses” (Deut 19:15, Matt 18:16) it’s when you’re trying to verify a bipolar’s perspective. You are just ASKING for trouble otherwise. Any bipolar worth their salt will be absolutely convinced they have a corner on reality, and everyone else is off. And YOUR problem will be they are usually bright enough to run circles around most minds (including yours) and persuasive enough to convince most hearts that they KNOW what’s really going on around here. As their loved one, you may feel like you’re spittin’ in the wind to tell them or anyone else otherwise. But if you live with them, you KNOW when they are off. Don’t sell yourself short.

So what can you do??

“Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart, so you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man.” Prov 3:3-4

The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition..” II Tim 2:24, 25

These verses are my guard rails. The easiest thing in the world is to argue with a bipolar whose perspective is off, or cave. And it’s even easier to become unkind. Don’t. If you know your loved one is off, don’t cave OR be mean. Kindly hold to what you know to be true. They need a lighthouse – and assuming your brain chemistry is healthy – Tag, you are IT. Hold steady, so they can find safe harbor.

But give yourself a break, too. Don’t beat yourself up if you get lost in their maze – again. If they weren’t so convinced and convincing they wouldn’t have earned their diagnosis! I’ve seen my man easily dupe  professional doctors and counselors who do this for a living. For years. I appreciate the ones who are humble enough to admit they can’t tell what’s going on. So don’t feel stupid when you can’t figure it out either.

What else can you do to help? Go to their psychiatrist appointments WITH THEM. Use your voice to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, kindly. You don’t have to yell, rant, plead. Just tell it like it is/was. Others, including the health care community need to hear your voice to help your loved one. If your doctor doesn’t use more than one opinion to determine what’s going on, then he/she doesn’t know what’s going on. Period. With that kind of overconfidence, somebody is going to get hurt.

Your loved one needs your voice, if they are willing and able, find their way back to a healthier perspective — real reality. In the end, they will have to humble themselves, in order to accept that their disorder (again) has discolored their perspective significantly in the WRONG direction. You can’t make that choice for them. It’s theirs, it’s hard. It’s humiliating. It’s scary… to once again realize their mind has deceived them, and others.

Your kindness and truthfulness helps.

Kindly, truthfully,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Resurrections…

April 20, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I know Easter is past, but indulge me – I’m still enjoying thinking about resurrections :) ….

For instance, Easter weekend 3 years ago, I remember driving to the beach for refreshment with a few friends. I love the beach!  Blue-green waves, diving birds, leaping porpoises, moonlight. Shells. I have many happy memories of my family on the beach…

My parents had just died, six months earlier, but I had done most of my grieving by the time they went to Glory. So I was really surprised when I saw the familiar sea, with its memories of days past, to be suddenly pushed under by a wave of grief. You know when you stand in the waves, with your back to the ocean, how a wave can sneak up on you, and plunge you under, leaving you choking for air? Exactly like that.

In fresh grief, I pored over e-v-e-r-y word of the Easter Story that weekend in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John…and eventually, dwelling on that event resurrected my joy. My parents were alive and well in glory, because Jesus has conquered death, forever!  “God will redeem my soul from the power of the grave, for He shall receive me. Selah.” Ps 49:15

Then last week I witnessed a completely different example of resurrection…

I am nursing one of the young adults in our extended family who is fighting cancer, for the 2nd time. Everything had smoothed out after the first treatment, when suddenly (and I mean in the incredibly short span of an hour) infection overtook his diseased body, and by the time we raced to the ER,  most of his body systems were failing fast. It was 36 hrs before life really took hold again. A LONG 36 hours. But 4 days later, after a speed pass through ICU, he had a spring back in his step as I followed his tennis shoes down the hall (pushing his IV pole, of course).  “Resurrection” was the single word that came to my mind!

Last but not least, by any means, a resurrection has happened in my marriage these last 2 months. We always live with bipolar disorder in our marriage, so in that sense, there is always chronic disease which, if not monitored, saps the health of our marriage – either slowly or dramatically. This was the slowly-turned-dramatic scenario. We ended up in the ICU of marriages, with a whole team giving personal and marital CPR. I could hear taps being played, somewhere in the distance.

But God intervened. Actually, I could just say, “But God.” Period. When I allow God into the middle of my crisis – any crisis, He changes the equation (for the good). This time, He gave me needed clarity and courage while medications stabilized, and granted my husband the breakthrough he needed to conquer the infection of suspicion that comes so easily to him. Our marriage was resurrected! (no more taps)

Now we’re in the dig-out-phase where it’s imperative we “make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.” Hebrew 12:13  This phase is slow, because there is woundedness and mistrust that can only be overcome by “straight” paths – consistency, patience, counsel, accountability. We’ve tried the “just put it behind you – move on,” but that’s like trying to run on a freshly broken leg. We will run again, but not today. Today we limp. BUT a limp is a long way from being in the grave!

And for this resurrection, we are humbly, eternally grateful.

Thankyou for your prayers…

Lovingly,

Joan

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Encouragement, God's presence, grace, Grief, JOY, Marriage Tagged With: ,
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