Black Dog

“I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.” – Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

At the height of World War II, one of the world’s foremost leaders and the champion of Britain’s campaign against the Nazis struggled with a black dog whose appearance could never be predicted, and whose mastery was never guaranteed. When the “black dog” of his depression appeared, there was little but a gleam of discernible hope preventing Winston Churchill from acting on those drops of desperation. Charismatic, popular, and brilliant with a seeming inability to comprehend impossibility of circumstance, Churchill was later speculated to have been living with bipolar disorder.

He shared the plight of mental illness in common with some of the world’s most luminous minds, including Van Gogh, Beethoven, Handel, Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Sylvia Plath, Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf, Frida Khalo, and Edgar Allen Poe.

I won’t bother to bore you with a more contemporary list of celebrities suffering from mental illness, or more specifically, from bipolar disorder (and there are many). I will only reference a young man with bipolar disorder – Matthew Warren – who rose to ultimate celebrity through his untimely death. At the risk of over-elucidating the need for public awareness and acceptance of those suffering from mental illness, I cite Matt because it seems that within the Church, there are blocks of brethren that persist in wrongheaded notions about mental illness and, beyond that, how to treat their brothers and sisters when tragedy strikes. To quote Frank Viola (Christian Post guest contributor) in his blog likewise referencing the Matt Warren tragedy, Christians tend to fall in one of three camps where mental illness is concerned:

“1. Mental illness is demonic in origin. So the antidote is to cast out the demons that are causing it.
2. Mental illness is psychobabble. There’s no such thing as a “mental disorder.” All so-called mental illnesses are just sinful behaviors. So the antidote is for person to repent and get right with God.
3. Mental illness is a physiological disorder. The brain is a physical organ just like the heart, the thyroid, the joints, etc. Thus if someone has panic attacks or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or chronic depression or ADHD, they have a chemical imbalance in the brain, not dissimilar to a hyperthyroidism or high blood pressure or arthritis.”

My blogs are traditionally long, so I’m going to respond to these philosophies in as little time as possible. Mostly, because I’m trying to remain civil.

1. To say mental illness is demonic in origin shows a patent disregard for Scripture and a misunderstanding of Christ’s mission on earth. Matt Warren had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The Word is clear that one cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24) – a concurrent occupation by both the Holy Spirit and a demon would be impossible. Further, Christ’s mission was not to interfere with the aggregate of human knowledge about the world and to further confuse us in our path to the Father, but to redeem those lost to sin. It would have made no sense for Jesus to actively collude with a primitive misunderstanding of the nature of mental illness by calling it “demon possession,” instead. In Luke 9:1-2, we’re told that Jesus gave the disciples “power and authority to drive out all demons AND to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God AND to heal the sick” (emphasis added). The Bible distinguishes these activities, separating demons FROM illness and disease.

2. To say mental illness is psychobabble – that “mental illness” is just the consequence of sin – is ridiculous. If you sin by cheating the government on tax day, you will feel sadness or guilt. These emotions are proof of a quickened conscience, evidence of the Holy Spirit’s conviction. These emotions actually support the premise that the sufferer has a proximity to God sufficient to elicit them (contrasted with the “seared conscience” referenced in 1 Timothy 4:2 of the one who is unaware or apathetic toward his sin). Even Christ himself experienced sadness – and is described as a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3) So if sadness = sin, then was the entirety of the New Testament wrong about Christ’s freedom from sin? Also, what a cruel Savior we would serve if He brought “mental illness” on everyone who sinned! What of the criminals who’ve done awful things but maintained their sanity? Where is their mental illness? And what of the separate classes of mental illness? The cognitive disorders, such as dementia and Alzheimer’s, and the developmental disabilities, such as autism and ADHD, are included among these. Does it make sense to conclude that these patients are all in sin when (a) their illness would prevent them from even UNDERSTANDING they were in sin? And/or (b) their illnesses (in the case of developmental disabilities) were present from birth? How do you explain the “sin” for the child born with autism? How much sin was my Noah in when he was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 5? And if you’re trying to pass those developmental disorders off on the parents’ sin, that’s not going to fly.

“His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.’” (John 9:2-3)

3. Mental illness is an actual physiological disorder. And the weight of medical, biological, and neuro-scientific evidence agrees with me. If it wasn’t, then the (a) medication used to treat it wouldn’t work, and (b) the MRI’s, FMRI’s, SPECT’s, PET’s, EEG’s and MRS’s used to view structure, electrical impulses and connectivity within the brain would show nothing different for the neurotypical, than for the mentally ill. The last time I checked, demon possession and un-confessed sin weren’t reparable through modern medicine.

It’s because mental illness is an actual, physiological disorder that I was utterly shocked by some Christians across the web, who posted comments after Matt Warren’s death such as: “Suicide happens soon after your [sic] stupid enough to read ‘The Purpose Driven Life;’” and “Poor Matthew denies God’s love with suicide.”

“Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:11)

Did the authors of comments like those above read that passage from James?

I hope I haven’t come across too stridently. But my heart is so wounded for the Warren family, and I am so shocked by the pervasive ignorance and cruelty of some people in the Body that reigning in my tongue proved challenging. The bottom line is that those living with mental illness are struggling with challenges the rest of you – you 75%’ers, you neurotypicals – cannot possibly comprehend. We are told – commanded! – to love the “least of these,” to love our neighbors as ourselves. How much MORE SO ought this to be in the case of the Body of Christ? We who are separate from the world – in the world, but not of it? I urge those who are uneducated about the nature of mental illness to do their research. I urge you to pray for the mentally ill. I urge you to stop your hateful diatribes and lift up in prayer those whose lives are marred by a pain you do not know.

And now, finally, I’ll sign off.

I have to let out the dog.

- Sarah

Sarah@chosenfamilies.org

 

Be Still

I was in a peaceful cove of water, deep into a fjord, circled by mountains, hours inside a national preserve. Only a few dozen people wandered the schooner (9 of them my family), when the captain announced a 10 minute “all quiet” as he cut the motor. “No talking…just soak in the sight and sounds of nature….”

At that moment, I happened onto an obscure deck with a PERFECT panoramic view of mountains and waterfalls! Where’s my family?? (For me, a delight is multiplied when I can share it with someone.) SOOO for about 2 minutes (of the 10 “quiet” minutes) I ran through the boat searching for them. I don’t know where they were (it wasn’t THAT big of a boat) but I couldn’t find them … and my joy sagged as I made my way back to the hidden deck. I tried to absorb the view, but by then I was distracted by how LONELY I felt… which sharpened the loneliness I had been feeling for the whole trip. “Jesus, I’m alone again, and it hurts….” The sinful strongholds that accompany hidden disabilities sabotage close moments in my marriage until they are rare and fleeting. (Satan, the predator he is, likes to hijack normal feelings of loss and define my whole LIFE by them.)

I know Jesus cares, but…

It took about 5 minutes of the 10 “quiet” minutes before my soul was still enough to sense God wanting to be with me. Alone. Just me. He wasn’t trying to make me lonely. Or point out my alone ness. He was inviting me into a beautiful moment with HIM. (He, too, finds joy multiplied when shared – that part of me is like HIM.)

So I accepted His offer…

I felt the misty morning fog soak my face … new bird songs sent bubbles of joy through my spirit … I lifted my eyes to the tops of those magnificent mountains … then followed their green slopes all the way down until they disappeared into the cold, unfathomably deep, dark water. I looked up again, this time watching each waterfall, almost in slow motion, cascading down in wavy white ribbons from some unseen rivers of unknown sources inside the mountain. The sum of splashing sounds washed over my sore soul, soothing … smoothing the wrinkles of worry and want.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters (Ps 29).

Like a slow dawn, I realized the Lord’s voice was speaking to me in those waters. “God, You made this thousands of years ago…kept it hidden … it’s almost unreachable … I’m honored to see it.…”

I knew you would come, today,

and I knew you would LOVE it!

Those intimate words, whispered to my soul, wrapped me in love, evaporating my loneliness as the magnitude seeped into my spirit. Creator God handcrafted a magnificent multifaceted scene which He knew I would LOVE. He waited outside of time, for me, in time, to come see what He made! Then He joined me on that deck, as I soaked in all its beauty, by myself, with Him. My soul’s Lover.

The voice of the Lord is upon the waters…

The Lord sat as King at the flood; Yes, the Lord sits as King forever.

The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.

Ps. 29:3, 11

Still, Travis Cottrell

Hide me now under Your wing, cover me within Your mighty Hand.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power in quietness and trust.

When oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You are God.

Be still and know I am God … Ps 46

 

Getting more still,

Joan

 

How to tell the Good from the Bad

Life in the world of bipolar emotions confuses me, which is absolutely NO secret, and never more than when issues of authority are involved. That is how I got into an abusive dynamic in my marriage, and what makes it hard to keep healthy boundaries now.

In contrast, God is NOT confused. He hates leaders using their authority to abuse. It is the opposite of Who He Is, against everything He stands for, and required His Son’s death to conquer. Nothing in the world/dynamics of hidden disabilities changes that (if you’re speed reading, slow down and let that sink in.)

So God has been using Ezekiel 34 to clear up my mental and emotional windshield like (new) windshield wipers. (It’s an Old Testament book, I confess, which I never read in my youth, but LOVE right now.):

He tells abusive authorities exactly where they miss the boat -

“those who are sickly you have not strengthened,

the diseased you have not healed,

the broken you have not bound up,

the scattered you have not brought back,

nor have you sought for the lost;

but with force and severity you have dominated them.”

It helps me to see how mad God was at them … because He is NOT LIKE THAT. He strengthens, heals, binds up, seeks, provides, protects. If you’ve been often mistreated under an abusive authority, even if a mental or emotional diagnosis was involved, you know how easy it is to get confused and shrink from God because He has ALL authority, and that could only mean going from bad to worse.

Is this a part of your story too? Your GOOD Shepherd really understands. He understands those cloudy and gloomy days in your life with abuse that messed with your mind and heart. That’s why He made this exquisite list of GOOD things He longs to do for you with His authority –

  • lead you to rest….wouldn’t that feel wonderful?
  • seek you when you feel lost,
  • bring you back when your thoughts and emotions are scattered,
  • bind you up when you are broken,
  • strengthen you when you are sick…
  • and cause showers of blessing to come down on you.

“I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. (He initiates rescue)

As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep,

so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day…

I will feed My flock and lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD.

“I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered,

bind up the broken and strengthen the sick…

and I will cause showers to come down in their season;

they will be showers of blessing.”

Ezekiel 34: 11, 12, 15, 16, 26

From my heart, to yours, about HIS heart for us,

Joan

10,000 Reasons

I am tired tonight.

Lately, there’s been enough back and forth swing to produce unpredictability,  uncertainty, like being swung too high on the swing set. It WEARS ME OUT.

Look at the horizon” they say, to fight motion sickness.

I need a horizon. And it dawns on me what it is (oh. yeah.)

REMEMBER what the good God has done for us, as in “bless the Lord, O my soul … FORGET NONE of His benefits…”

… and in case I can’t remember them (which apparently I don’t), there’s this starter list…”Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.” (Ps 103:3-5)

This song is helping my tired brain think those right thoughts –

10,000 Reasons, Matt Redman (click the link to listen)

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

You’re rich in love and you’re slow to anger
Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness I will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, Oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I worship Your holy name

Sing like never before, Oh my soul
I worship Your holy name….

With a tired love,

Joan

Trampolines Trump

“…teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.” (Titus 2:3)

I just want to say a word about in-laws while I am going into all the other zones where angels fear to tread! I have a great mother-in-law. Although she does not hold to my Christian beliefs, she is cheerful, funny, compassionate, creative, highly intelligent and generous.  She never complains. She is also bi-polar, and has chosen not to take medication. As a result, she lives most of her life hypomanic, flying just below (or above) the radar of the mental health care system, employability, and all social norms.  Since time is very elastic to her (as with most unmedicated bi-polars I know) she cannot keep track of dates, days, nights, bills due, etc. So I am her Power of Attorney for finances and health care, which is to say, I pay her bills and take her to the doctor. What she does with the rest of her time is solely up to her, and I generally take an “if I don’t ask, she won’t tell” approach to her activities since some fall into the irreverent category.

A few months ago she called. “Joan … thsomethings wrong wi me…” her speech was slurred and I was alarmed. She’s the most active, healthy 75 year old I know.  By the time I got to her, it was obvious she was having a stroke. As fast as you can rush someone who is having a stroke (which is to say that time stood still) we raced to the ER. As always, it was eventful on more than one level. When you have a loved one with a hidden disability, and they have another medical event occur, you STILL have a loved with a hidden disability – you do NOT get to check the disability at the door so you can face one thing at a time. And usually the medical event itself exacerbates the hidden disability because of fear or pain. (Which, I might add, tend to highlight everyone’s personal challenges.)

SOOOO, she told the ER doctor (and will happily tell you) that we are ALL bi-polar because we live on planet earth, which is BI-polar, in case they hadn’t noticed, since it has a north POLE and south POLE = BI-P-O-L-A-R.  I just loved watching the triage nurse triage that. Later, when the neurologist asked her to walk across the floor (to check her gait) she belly-danced, and I do mean that literally. I guarantee you her brief 18 hour hospital stay added color and variety to everyone’s shifts!

Although she was terrified to submit herself to the money hungry corporate medical system, she did let them evaluate her for one brief night – and only because she loves me, she declared. I don’t take her fears or her trust lightly. I know she would lay down her life for me. How many daughter-in-laws are convinced of that?

Since then, she jumps 30 minutes on our trampoline each evening, at dusk, to increase her circulation. She sometimes strips down because she gets hot. I have to say, that did startle our dinner guests the other night. Some things you can’t explain, so I didn’t. But I hope I am that active at 75.

I have dear friends with mother-in-laws who hurt them, whether intentionally or not. (As a new mother-in-law, this scares me.) Gossip travels fast, especially criticism of young parenting or marriages. Some wives feel discouraged and stabbed in the back. It puts my own situation in a rather good light. I’ll take my trampoline-jumping-bipolar in-law. Trampolines trump treachery :)

Grateful for the one God gave me,

Joan

Sea Sick

Our pastor did a 3 week series on Jonah, right before we spent our vacation at the ocean. So it was inevitable, when we got caught out in a little boat, with a huge storm between us and land-ho, we bantered about someone needing to confess their sin. Even without stormy waves, two of us survived the week only by taking daily doses of Dramamine. I could be the rep for that company, because at the moment, NO one is likely to be more grateful than I am for NOT being sea-sick. I thank Jesus, the Ultimate Chemist, for revealing that formula to man!

Now, you’d think it’d be easier to not sin on vacation. No work, all play (not that ANY vacation is “all play” for the mama.) I guess that’s possible, somewhere in the universe, but our family happens to have RELATIONSHIPS. Mix that together with hidden disabilities, and it was banana-slipping-peal easy for me to slide neck deep into a pit of anxiety about whether we will all make it through this life TOGETHER,  because of this little challenge of being a family with not-so-hidden disabilities.  My own emotions made me sea-sick, and where’s the Dramamine for that??

In Hebrews 4:15-16.

God had to push/cram those verses through my tight anxious emotions, to remind me I DO have a High Priest, Jesus, who sympathizes with my sea sickness. He’s not disappointed in me, He’s not discouraged. He KNOWS how my own sin of unbelief and the complications of hidden disabilities rock my boat. It’s  a mystery to me – how does Jesus know what it’s like to be emotionally, relationally seasick?? But then, I think, every single relationship He experienced had a hidden disability from HIS perspective, because “all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.” Heb 4:13 He had to feel nauseated, immersed in our endless waves of sin sickness. He was tempted like me (to despair, to frustration, to hopelessness) but He did NOT sin! … so run, girl, run on your little wobbly legs to His throne (all powerful) of grace and find all the mercy and grace to help in time of need. Yes, it was v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n, but I was in N-E-E-D. I kept humming, “not my brother, not my sister, but it’s ME, Oh Lord! standing in the need of prayer….”

Thankful for the dry land of His Word,

Joan

 

Despairing Words and the Wind

Job 6:26 (NASB) “Do you intend to reprove my words, When the words of one in despair belong to the wind?”

Despairing words. Anyone living in a home with bipolar has heard them. The frustrated, angst-filled words that roll so quickly off the tongue in moments of anger or distress.

I find those words are even more prevalent when my son is in a mixed state — racing thoughts and rapid speech combined with depression and/or anxiety.

Early on in our journey I used to try to reason with him when he was in one of these places. I felt that I needed to help him think clearly when he was not able to do so — so I would remind him of what is true and right and good and try to help him think more Biblically.

But what I have learned over the years is that it doesn’t work. At that moment in time he simply is not in a place where he can hear me. While I don’t want to get down and wallow in the mire with him, I have to recognize and acknowledge the mire he feels he is in.

This all made sense to me one day when I read this passage in my Bible: “… the words of a despairing man belong to the wind.”

Belong to the wind…. That means they are to be allowed to blow away and not taken to my heart. They are to be let go and not taken so seriously. They should not discourage or frighten me. They belong to the wind.

Don’t misunderstand me. It is important to go back and remind of what is true and right and good. But in those dark moments, those moments filled with despairing words, the best medicine is often to just listen and let them blow away with the wind. Later, when things have settled, I can go nuzzle up and prayerfully remind him how loved and cherished he is, what amazing plans God has in store for him, what a gift and treasure he is.

A special friend in my life recently sent me a thought. I do not know where it originates but wish it were with me. It so beautifully captures what I am thinking about this passage. Here is what it says:

Oh, the comfort – the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person – having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

Let’s be the kind of people who will listen thoughtfully to the despairing words, and then gently, with love and kindness, let them blow away with the wind.

Tow Trucks and Rest

Toddlers do not WANT to take a nap even when every indicator says they need S-L-E-E-P. Bipolars aren’t much different.  The more they need sleep, the louder they get and the higher they fly until they fall out of the sky and make a greasy spot on the pavement, to put it gently. Sleep matters.

We got a call from one of our daughters at sunset recently. She was driving her 26 year old Toyota truck with a friend, hours away from us. Some warning lights were blinking on the dash. Actually, they had been blinking on and off for two weeks, but it’s a bouncy, aging truck, and quirky sights and sounds is one of its charms, so she ignored them. (That won’t happen again, let me tell you.) For some reason, as it got dark, those lights started worrying her. Cell phones are wonderful, as in 1-800-DADDY. My husband had them pull the instruction manual out of the glove compartment and start reading … but it was too little, too late. The truck lights dimmed, the engine slowed down, and in no time at all there was no power at all. They were at a dead stop, in the dark, on a strange highway, mile marker 214. Two girls. (Now, all you with sons or new high dollar cars, see what you’re missing??) It took a tow truck to solve that problem.

This is exactly what happened to my man. He was 25 years old and had indicator lights going off on his dash, but he didn’t heed them, and I was clueless. By the time we knew there was trouble, it was time to call the tow truck and get hauled into the shop for repairs. You can believe we really read The Manual (as in “the B-I-B-L-E, yes that’s the book for me…”) because tow trucks and repairs are expensive. One of the first things God highlighted for us was His command to REST … something needed every 6th mile, like an oil change.

When God said “Let there be night … and it was good.” He wasn’t kidding. Lack of sleep lights up all my man’s indicator lights. When he’s tired, God designed his body to produce adrenaline, and probably 14 other things, to meet the demands of life, like everyone else. But over-drive is right before over-the-edge for a bipolar, so watch out for that driving up on two wheels. For any bipolar trying to stay in a stable state emotionally and mentally, pushing the adrenaline button too many times makes it near impossible to keep his/her car on the road. They may drive fast for awhile, but eventually the engine seizes.

Even God rests. In case you think I’m making that up … “on the seventh day He [God] rested from all His work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it He rested from all the work of creating that He had done.” Gen 2:2  Like the way He repeats Himself? Then, just to be super clear … “the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns, so that your male and female servants may rest, as you do.” Deut 5:14. Sounds like the level of repetitious detail I use when my kids are being dense.

This idea of rest is nowhere in the high tech industry manual, so that pivotal part of the 10 commandments is highlighted in our personal manuals now. We’re not legalistic (which is hard work) – we just rest, and get our spiritual oil change. “Then He [Jesus] said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” Mark 2:27

There’s a blessing to be had on that day of rest, and when dealing with hidden disabilities, we need all the blessing we can get.

Working on Rest,

Joan

To Tell or Not to Tell – THAT is The Question.

Reading some of the other blogs reminded me about how our children discovered their daddy’s bipolar diagnosis. When do you tell children about a probable genetic (as in “this could be you one day”) mental health diagnosis in their parent?? I don’t know. But here’s how God pushed us into the deep end of that particular pool.

One fine day we were all sitting around the dining room table eating breakfast when in the door breezes Grandma. Rather early in the day for a visit, but she comes and goes with the wind, depending on the mood of the moment, and it’s never a dull moment when she drops in, believe me.  She tried bipolar meds for a few years (at our request) but felt it clipped her wings and she, like most bipolars, prefer the high altitudes. As a disease, I’ve heard bipolar is unique because people generally feel worse (less wonderful) on their meds, not better, making compliance very unappealing.  Her meds did cause some weight gain and hair loss. “Who wants to be a fat bald woman?” she asked, and never went back on meds again. So she pops up into mania and dips down into depression, living most of her days in a hypo-manic state – which is to say she flies under the radar of the medical community. But not under the radar of our community.

No one can miss our beloved grandma, dressed in brightly often sheer clothing, walking our neighborhood, out to change the world,  animated in her discussions with friend and strangers alike, carrying her backpack of books (usually on sex)…all of which embarrasses our children to no end. Most parents embarrass their children, sooner or later. She just did it sooner. Though she is as different from us in theology and ideology as possible in this universe, I love her with all my heart. Her giggle is infectious, her wit delightful, and her generosity admirable. Our children, on the other hand, did not know what to make of this unpredictable strange woman. Up until that particular breakfast, she was the only living example our children knew of a bipolar diagnosis.

On this day, back then, she was on medication. Or so we thought. That morning she soared in, higher than a kite, and announced she didn’t need medicine anymore! (something every bipolar says at one point or another) Eventually it came out that she had run out of her pills. Thinking logically, to solve the immediate problem, my dear husband went into our bathroom and came out with his own medications (they were the same) to share with her, until we could refill her prescription. Unknown to him, this simple act rocked our children’s world.

The stunned look on their faces as they connected the dots was a sight to behold. I cannot describe it. Their daddy, who never dressed brightly or inappropriately,  nor sang at the top of his lungs to mother earth, who went to work in a cubicle every day, regular as clockwork, had just given his mama his meds to fix her problem.

Grandma soon blew back out the door,  their daddy left for work, and the dam broke loose. Questions poured out of our children’s hearts and minds for a solid hour and then some!  “Does Daddy have what Grandma has?? Can he act like her? Will he do this…that? Will WE get it?? How? When?”…just to name a few. Nothing is more direct or persistent in questioning than three 8-12 yr olds on a hunt for information they decide is vital to their well-being. I finally decided I should share the blessing of this bountiful barrage with my mate, so I called him at work.  “Hey honey, just a heads up… today the kids figured out you have the same diagnosis as your mother, and they have A LOT of questions for you…”

And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.   Psalm 139:16

Remembering that day ;)

Joan

 

Groans and Guarantees

I just opened the box of a sound machine (white noise) and threw aside the paper guarantee that came with it, not reading it in all 6 languages. In contrast, my mama kept all guarantees in a file.

But I can tell you this, when my loved ones lost their sound thinking to bipolar disorder, I scrambled spiritually back through the packaging of Christianity looking for the written guarantees. Didn’t I read somewhere that God gives a “sound mind”?? Isn’t that a guarantee of some sort? If not, just exactly what does Jesus guarantee about minds and brains?

I don’t have all the answers. I know II Timothy 1:7 in the KJV says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and of a sound mind.” But my man asked Jesus into his heart as a boy, and there’s been a lot of NOT “sound mind” since.  So did his mom. So did my grandma. I like the NIV translation “sound mind” as “self discipline”. I have witnessed that. Over the years, when my man has asked (which was not as often as I liked at first), God has given him  self discipline.….discipline to take his meds every morning, noon, and night regardless…to go to work every day no matter where his brain is…the discipline to remove himself from a setting when he’s hit mental or emotional overload…the discipline to submit to my feedback when his meds need tweaking, or the children say “you’re too intense”…the discipline to put the pieces of relationship back together after a mood tsunami.

I’ve searched the Scriptures but can’t find where God guarantees that any part of our anatomy, brain included, gets a free pass from the effects of the curse on creation. In fact, groaning seems to be the guarantee…as in, ALL of creation groans – brains included – waiting for Jesus to come back. “… the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth (pain I remember vividly) right up to the present time (2011). Not only so, but we ourselves…groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for…the redemption of our bodies.” Romans 8:22-23  I think it’s safe to say all of us at Chosen Families are eagerly waiting for the groaning inward of hidden disabilities to be redeemed. Jesus is comforting my guaranteed groaning with guaranteed glory,  so here’s one toe-tapping waiting child of God counting on His guarantee that “creation itself WILL BE liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.” Romans 8:21

Grateful for the guarantee,

Joan