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Sometimes I’m Slow

February 2, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Three years ago when my oldest son married and moved out of our home I was embarrassed to realize how little he could do for himself. He couldn’t cook … anything. He couldn’t wash his own clothes. And, we won’t even get into money management. I don’t blame him for those deficits—I hold myself responsible because those are things I should have taught him to do before he left the nest.

At that point I decided that all of our children should learn some basic self-sufficiency. So, they were going to begin getting up to an alarm clock, preparing their own school lunches, washing their own laundry, and we would increase the amount of their allowances to give them enough spending money to pay for their own snacks on the way home from school if they wanted them.

I should also tell you that I am not a morning person, so I don’t do well with getting up and preparing breakfast for the family before school. If there is going to be a family breakfast, it will be prepared by my husband who rises with the roosters (most mornings). But, most mornings it is more of a fend for yourself kind of thing. That is where this story really begins.

Stephen (our almost 16 year old son with AS) sets his alarm and gets up at 5:30 every school morning. The rest of the house is quiet. He does this so that he can take a leisurely shower (and steal all the hot water, even though he would never admit that.) After he showers and dresses he goes to the kitchen to prepare for breakfast. First he decides what to have for breakfast. I think he usually has frozen waffles. But, this morning we were out of frozen waffles and he had to use leftover homemade waffles. He begrudgingly prepared and ate them. But, as a result of the deviation from the routine it was 6:55 and he was just finishing his breakfast. Lunch had not been prepared and he had not yet brushed his teeth. (He can’t figure out what happens to all of the time—almost 1 ½ hours to shower, dress and eat!) He and his father usually leave for school between 7:00 and 7:15.

Normally, I would have stepped in to help save the day. But, after a discussion we had yesterday about how mom always helps him when he is short on time, I decided he had no reason to change his behavior. So, today when he commented that I could help him, I said, “no, I’m not going to.” To which he jokingly replied, “Why, because you don’t love me?” And I answered, “Because I DO love you!”

Sometimes I’m slow to learn, but I do eventually get it! It took 18 years with my first son. But, now, I think I get it.

~ Louise

Filed Under: Asperger, Parenting, Responsibility, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

Professor Fletch teaches Worship 101

October 12, 2011 By 1 Comment

The Syllabus

In the year 5 B.K. (before kids), I relished the thought of leading my family in worship. Now that Brenda and I live in the year 13 A.K. (after kids), I realize my dismal performance in this regard. My disappointment is complicated by Fletcher’s inability to sit non-disruptively while I assume the mantle of family worship leader (I long ago quit attaching the term “quietly” to our little man.) Since corporate family worship is nearly impossible, I am continually searching for creative ways to obey Deuteronomy 6:4-9:

“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

As such, in my zealous pursuit of obeying this directive, I often lose my teachability. Instead of a festive leader of family worship, I tend to act like the Foolish Old King of Hardin Manor (Ecc. 4:13). I get so entangled at being the expert teacher on “all things spiritual” that I tend to overlook the fact that God may have some things that He wants my son to teach ME. It is at this point that I first encountered Professor Fletch.

The Lecture

My unexpected lesson began as I dutifully pounded on the keys of my laptop while Fletch played on our living room floor. Taking a break from this all-encompassing task, I suddenly remembered that I had recently downloaded an album by Christian singer Derek Webb.

Without much thought, I accessed the download and selected a song that sounded interesting. As the song started, Fletcher beamed with excitement. He giggled, jumped up, pulled me from my seat, and insisted that I “dance” with him. As we rocked back and forth to the beat of the music, I sensed a joy in his heart. He “spoke” to me through giggles, grins, and a pleasant gaze that reminded me of someone trying to place the name and face of a long lost friend. I remember thinking, “Now if Jesus would just show up, this experience would be complete!” It was at this time, that Mr. Webb sang the following stanza:

When I stand on the edges of Jordan,
With the saints and the angels beside,
When my body is healed and Your glory revealed,
Still I can boast only Christ!

The Lesson

There it was! Jesus did show up. Here is what He taught me through my little maestro:

1. One day…Fletcher and I will stand on the far side of the Jordan and we will talk face-to-face about the Wonderful Savior who pulled us out of the river.

2. One day…Fletcher’s body, as well as mine, will be completely healed and there will be no vestiges of the ailments such as autism and tone deafness that currently plague us.

3. One day…Fletcher and I will gather with our redeemed family members and collectively worship the Lamb for eternity.

4. But this day… I need to boast of how Christ can take a little boy with autism and use him to lift his father’s affections to a point that his foolish, proud and off-key heart sings:

Praise the LORD!
Praise the LORD from the heavens;
praise him in the heights!
Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts (Ps. 148:1-2)!

The Homework

So goes my first lesson in Professor Fletch’s Worship 101. As we part, I encourage you to search for ways that your special child can teach you special lessons about your special Savior. As parents, we often teach Deuteronomy 6:4-9 with the hope that our youngsters will ascend to our level of spiritual maturity. After this experience with Fletcher, I have found that it will take much more of his mentoring before I can hope to scale the heights of his love for Jesus. Perhaps that is why God gave him to me. As you think of your child, could this be true for you too?

~ Todd

Filed Under: Autism, Communication, Encouragement, God's presence, Gratitude, growth, JOY, Parenting, Responsibility Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Blame Game

September 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

(Let me preface this post by saying that I have a 14 year old son who has Asperger’s Syndrome. He is very high functioning. It is our goal to prepare him to live on his own as an adult. We also have 3 other children.)

I’ve grown weary of the Blame Game. It never ceases to amaze me how easily we throw around the phrase, “It wasn’t my fault!” (I am included in that “we” even though I don’t always say it out loud.) All of my children like to play the game and are very good at it.

  • I was late, but it wasn’t my fault because the traffic was horrible.
  • My son made a bad grade, but it wasn’t his fault because he didn’t understand the directions.
  • I forgot my homework, but it wasn’t my fault because my mom was rushing me out of the house.
  • I knocked him down, but it wasn’t my fault because he wouldn’t get out of my way.
  • I hit her, but but it wasn’t my fault because I told her to stop singing and she wouldn’t stop.

My husband once told me that everyone believes their own excuses for their behaviors are justified. What I can’t figure out is who is to blame??? When I’m late because of traffic is that the fault of the lady whose car broke down blocking one lane of traffic? Or is it my fault for not giving myself any extra travel time? When my son makes a bad grade is it the teacher’s fault that my son didn’t ask for clarification? Or is it my son’s fault for not telling the teacher he was having trouble? When my son forgets his homework because he was being rushed out of the house is it my fault for rushing him? Or is it my son’s fault for not putting his homework in his backpack when he finished it?

Instead of always trying to assign blame for things that do not go according to plan why don’t we accept responsibility for our actions and teach our children to do the same. When we cast blame away from ourselves we are saying that someone else caused us to act in the way we did. While that can be true sometimes, wouldn’t we be better off as a society if we could own up to our own mistakes and shortcomings? Our children have enough to deal with learning to cope in a world that considers them ‘defective.’ How much stronger will they become when we teach them to stand up and take responsibility for their actions? But first we should model it for them ourselves.

~Louise

 

Filed Under: Asperger, Confession, Parenting, Responsibility Tagged With: , , ,