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To Sing or Not to Sing

March 6, 2012 By 1 Comment

One minute they were getting along wonderfully then next minute they were raising their voices and bickering, bickering, bickering. That is how quickly the temperature of the house changed.

Here is how the afternoon progressed. They played outside together. They planned to watch a video together. They ate dinner together while they watched the video. But then, as soon as the video was over and it was time to clean up, SHE committed the unpardonable sin (at least as far as her brother is concerned)—she began singing while she cleaned up.

And THIS is the ongoing battle in our home. Our daughter loves to sing … and dance … and make music. Our son with AS dislikes music and particularly dislikes his sister’s singing. He doesn’t really tolerate any of us singing along with the radio, but to refuse to let his eleven year old sister sing when music is in her heart just seems unreasonable at times. And, when she asks why he doesn’t want her to sing and he tells her that he doesn’t like her singing — never mind that he doesn’t like any of our singing — It hurts her feelings.

So, she sings, he asks her to stop, she continues because she believes she has a right to sing and we are torn with how to handle the desire to express herself musically with his desire to not hear her. Telling her just not to sing around him hasn’t worked. Asking him to be more tolerant of her hasn’t worked.

I guess the thing we have to figure out is who needs to have the bigger growth lesson here. Or maybe it is that they both need to learn to give a little and try to meet each other at some happy medium, if there is such a place that exists between a girl who loves to sing and a boy who doesn’t like music.

~Louise

Filed Under: Asperger, Parenting, siblings Tagged With: , ,

Love is a Battlefield

November 10, 2011 By 2 Comments

Into every family, a little sibling rivalry must fall. The days are hurly-burly, with much screaming, throwing, door slamming, hissing and wailing to accompany them. The children cannot be left to play on their own, nor even with each other. The acre backyard will not be big enough to control their skirmishing. Mealtimes, bath times, and bedtimes – when the children are necessarily gathered – become a thing to be dreaded.

Right? Well, imagine my distress when I discovered I was wrong.

On a trip to the beach with our dear friends and their own 3 children, I looked over Noah’s tear soaked face to plead to my friend Rhonda, “Why are your children so QUIET?!?” She offered a few answers: I’m a strict disciplinarian (check); I told them public places require inside voices (ditto); and on and on. I was heart-broken. I couldn’t keep my children under control. What was WRONG with me?

And then Noah had his first sleep-over. We decided to take Grace and Jesse out to dinner. It was the quietest meal with children we had ever had. At home, the two played sweetly on the floor with each other. They went down for bed with nary a complaint. What was different?  Noah, of course.

His nagging, his repetitive sounds, his theft of his sibling’s toys, the compulsive rubbing of his brother’s head, his inability to take turns; they were all missing. The patience of a four and two year old does not match that of their parents, and we realized that when he taxes US to our limits, his brother and sister are already past the point of insanity.

“Gracie, say hmmm. Gracie, say hmmm. Gracie, say hmmm.” “STOP IT, NOAH!!!”

This is our ride to school.

“Jesse, give me the train! Bad Jesse, Bad Jesse, Bad Jesse!” “NOOOOO NOAH!”

This is post-school playtime.

These are not gentle power struggles. These are shrill battles of will with physical aggression involved. I could go on, but I’m already eyeing the Ativan on the counter.

A sub-diagnosis of Noah’s is oppositional defiance disorder. Hard to believe, considering that Noah’s heart longs for approval and acceptance. His soul is tender and compassionate. This dichotomy is a part of who these children are: while they recognize that we are created for community, Aspergian kids cannot crack the entry code. Sometimes, fighting is the only way they know to make a connection.

Autism expert Dr. Jed Baker is quick to point out that 90% of teaching and parenting these kids is tolerance (just when I thought I’d already bit a big enough hole in my tongue….). “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14). Peace is a rare visitor in our home, but the responsibility to model it lies with Matt and me. It starts with our own willingness to compromise, wait, understand, and apologize. A certain gentleman learned this lesson the hard way when I told him to go back and apologize for something he said to a stranger a few days ago. I won’t elaborate, but Matt, you know who you are.

Every one of our days involves an altercation. We guide Noah in the best direction we can, avoiding triggers (biological, sensory, or fear-based), creating a reward system for when he makes the correct choice, and most importantly, asserting the value of an apology – something that doesn’t come naturally to an Aspie.

Sometimes though. when we are very lucky, that apology does not have to be extracted but comes of its own accord. Like today, when Noah attacked his little brother for taking a LEGO off Noah’s shelf. After separating the two, I discovered this note at the entrance to Jesse’s nursery:

If you can’t speak Noah, it reads: “Jesse, I sorry. Here you go, good boy.”

- Sarah

Filed Under: Asperger, Autism, Challenge, Conflict, Emotions, Forgiveness, Parenting, Relationships, siblings Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Dear Miss Manners…

September 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Bobby & the kids on Father's Day

Our two oldest children were fairly well versed in proper manners. They were taught & expected to say “please”, “thank you”, “I’m sorry”, “yes, sir”, you get the idea. Behavior issues were dealt with swiftly and decisively. They knew when mom started counting she was not supposed to get to two, but definitely NOT three!

But when son number three was born things were different. He was seven weeks premature and had to stay in the hospital until he weighed four pounds, which was 24 days after his birth (our first two sons weighed 8 pounds 10 ounces and 10 pounds 5 ounces at birth, respectively.) As you can imagine, we were very careful with Stephen. He was very small and although he didn’t have any health issues related to being premature, he seemed fragile to us. Time passed, Stephen grew and we continued to treat him differently than his older brothers. It wasn’t anything we intentionally did, but it happened. He was “quirky” and had his own way of doing things. It wasn’t until he was about 11 that he was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and his odd behaviors began to make sense.

In the meantime, we had a daughter. She was born when Stephen was four. Because she was the closest in age to Stephen she seemed to take her social cues mostly from him. He was ‘shy & reserved’ and she was ‘shy & reserved’. He didn’t respond to people when they spoke to him and she did the same. It was easy to pass the behaviors off as shyness and give them each a pass on proper social etiquette when they were young. Surely they would grow out of that….

Now here we are with a ten year old daughter who sometimes behaves in ways similar to her older brother who has Asperger Syndrome—although she does not possess the characteristics herself. She isn’t aware of the proper way to greet adults, she doesn’t seem to know how to respond to people who speak to her or compliment her—she often seems socially stunted, especially with regards to adults.

As difficult as it may be and as silly as I may feel having to do it I am now trying to correct those behaviors and teach my daughter the proper way to respond to others. Just like I did with my first two boys as toddlers I am now doing with my ten year old daughter. “What do you say?” “Say ‘thank you’.” “Did you say ‘please’?” There is still time for her to learn to be a polite young lady. I’m sure many of us could use some refreshing on our manners, after all.

~Louise

Katie & Stephen

 

Filed Under: Asperger, Parenting, siblings, Social skills Tagged With: , , ,

What DO You Say?

July 26, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Sunday was a sad day in our house. Katie (our 10 year old neurotypical daughter) discovered that her fish had died earlier in the week while we were on vacation. This fish had been given to her by my sister and he was all hers–as was the responsibility for caring for him. I will admit that I was the one who cleaned the fish tank, but that would have been hard for her to do alone. There were also many mornings that I fed him when I found the poor little fellow sitting in the dark presumably unfed during the morning rush. But, he was her pet.

When she came to us crying I resisted the urge to comment on the big responsibility pets are. Nor did I mention anything about the natural consequences of habitually not feeding one’s pet, although those are both thoughts I had. I just held her and told her I was sorry. This response has come from many years of repeating platitudes to ease other’s grief and then hearing those same comments in my own moments of grief. I have come to realize that there is much comfort in the heart-felt hug and sometimes in silence.

Stephen, on the other hand, wanted to try to cheer his sister. He offered these words of comfort, “well, at least you don’t have to worry about feeding him anymore.” Needless to say, it didn’t help.

Sometimes it is difficult for all of us to know what to say to someone who has experienced a loss or a tragedy. How much harder it is for individuals with Asperger Syndrome who don’t easily recognize that their comments might be offensive to others. So, I think some time very soon Stephen and I will have a talk about times when it is most appropriate to keep our thoughts to ourselves and just offer a comforting hug.

~Louise

Filed Under: Asperger, Grief, siblings Tagged With: , ,

Siblings

April 19, 2011 By 4 Comments

As young parents we were pretty sure we had it all figured out and knew what we needed to do to raise godly children. <go ahead and smile at that, I am!> We had a certain parenting style and definitely had an expectation of obedience and respect from our children. The two oldest boys were no strangers to the concept that their behavior had consequences and we were most often the enforcers of those consequences.

Then along came Stephen. He was born 7 weeks early weighing only 3 pounds 12 ounces and measuring all of 16 inches. He was in the hospital for almost a month before we were allowed to take him home. Neither my husband nor I had even held a baby that small before. Suddenly, this fragile, tiny baby was in our full time care and we weren’t quite sure how to treat him.

Premature babies are easily over stimulated so we were very careful to keep his environment calm and void of much excitement. Thus began the contrasts, with the first two babies we were at church by the time they reached two weeks. With Stephen it was a longer slower process as we guarded against germs and other dangers he might face. I’m not sure when I should have backed off of this hyper-protection of our third son, but since he had been treated differently from the start, it was harder to revert to previous discipline methods.

Fast forward 13 years and Stephen (as I have written about in previous posts) has trouble with authority and would rather debate than obey when he doesn’t agree with what he is being told to do. My two oldest boys are very intolerant of his behavior and don’t understand why he doesn’t listen/obey/comply. A diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome explains a lot. It answers questions we didn’t know we should be asking. The explanation is much more difficult for our older boys to understand.

Now as we are in the process of learning more about why Stephen behaves the way he does with respect to his Asperger diagnosis, we have to also educate our children about why their brother does not respond the same way they did to our efforts at discipline. This struggle within our own family gives me a glimpse of how others view Stephen. It makes me realize that our time is growing short to prepare Stephen to face a world of people on his own who do not understand, nor necessarily care about why he behaves the way he does. It also causes me to pause and consider that perhaps I should not be so quick to judge and should extend more grace as I interact with others.

Filed Under: Asperger, Discipline, Parenting Tagged With: ,